fun with the 2009 target catalog

omg... my besties gave me a copy of the target toy catalog for 2009 and pointed out the front cover.

at first i thought it was just your typical run of the mill gender socialization propaganda...

white girl on the cover? check.

is she wearing pink? check.

is she wearing a tiara? check.

is she wearing a tutu? check.

is the tutu pink? check.

is she smiling? check.

is she playing with barbie? check.

is there a little boy in the image? check.

is he doing one of the following: making a mess, eating something or expressing anger? check.

ok, the basics are covered.

but upon further inspection, i realize that the barbie is holding Lego flowers.... and...wait a minute...are those church bells i see?! is that a priest/pastor/bishop/knight/pawn getting ready to perform a marriage?! (clearly i know very little about church officials...or the game of chess)

holy shit... that little boy isnt just upset because she is playing with his (read: a boy's) toy... he is mad because she is marrying them!

so not only do we have an image of a smiling white girl wearing a pink tutu and tiara playing with barbie while a little boy is expressing anger...but we can add heteronormative relationships and male aversion to marriage to the list. yay! the only things missing are caption bubbles:

as a silver lining i like to look at this image and imagine that the little boy is upset for other reasons...

or maybe the little boy is a radical activist:

the idea of the little boy being a big ol' queer or a radical activist was quickly squelched when i turned the page to find the following images....

page 18...

page 21...

*sigh*

thank god im barren and dont have to deal with toy catalogs.

life is good.

10 thangs i dig today. drum roll......

1. ginger molasses cookies from Pioneer Woman. i baked them last night and mmmm.... they turned out so good!

(these are not my cookies... i forgot to take a picture so i jacked this one from PW)

2. this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cZfzch8vDo

3. this one too. it makes me want to quit my job and make videos like this for a living.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=17543732


4. ugly thrift store dresses. i recently bought a dress for $3.00 that NM thought i was planning to wear for halloween. imagine her surprise when i walked into the kitchen the other morning wearing the dress, ready for work. in her defense, i think the dress technically is an actual costume of some sort but since i cant figure out what the costume might be, i say "fair game!".

5. the blog Sociological Images. they have some really cool stuff on this site. check it out.

6. my dogs.

maddox doing circus tricks with follistim.

Gully rolling her eyes at me.

7. the movie Hard Candy. if you haven't seen it yet, rent it. now.

8. this picture of my mom. she was pregnant with me. my halloween costume for this year was supposed to look similar to this. NM said it was "bad taste" for me (barren lesbo) to dress as a pregnant woman for halloween but i disagree. if people can dress up like witches and fairies...then i should be able to dress up as something equally as imaginative and unrealistic!

9. bjork. whats not to love?

10. public transportation.

wouldnt you like to be a goddess too?

*peeking my head out from under my rock*


so.....its been a while. my last failed cycle proved to be much more difficult to cope with than i had anticipated. i have logged on many times with the full intention of posting something new, but i end up staring blankly at the screen. i didn't realize how much this blog was tied to my process of TTC. i mean, i always knew that writing and reading other blogs helped me with my past failed cycles but now that i have experienced my last attempt to get prego, i am realizing that it is hard to separate this blog from my feelings of disappointment. those of you who have struggled to get prego....you know the panic that sets in when you find yourself at opposite ends of the same grocery store aisle with a big ol' pregnant belly? even though the belly is undoubtedly attached to a human female person, all you see coming your way is a lush, fully functioning womb. your heartbeat races and you begin to have the internal dialogue that sounds something like this:
ok.
there is a pregnant belly
coming this way.
take a deep breath.
pay
attention
to the sale items.
dont stare at the belly
the lady attached will think you are strange
dont
stare
dont
stare
look at the cake mix
count the different types of icing
1- chocolate, 2- vanilla, 3- cream cheese
anything to
keep your eyes
off of
the
belly.

*sigh*

well that's kind of what this blog has started to feel like. i have spent so many hours day-dreaming about the days when i could post a photo of a BFP prego stick, or an updated photo from ultrasounds or a belly shot of my own. but, since i wont have that experience, i think i had to step away from this blog and heal a little.


i want to say thank you so much to all of you who posted such wonderfully supportive (and funny!!) comments on my last few posts. i know its a total no-no to go this long without reciprocation but please know that im keeping up with all of your developments (both happy and sad) and am working to get back on the "how to be a good blog community member" horse again.


i dont really have much to update today. im still barren and the world still sucks sometimes. NM and i teach a class together and we recently had a panel of guests come in to talk about parenting. some panel members are the parents of teens and some have young kids. some identify as fathers, some as adoptive moms and some as bio moms. it was fascinating to hear the differences in parenting as connected to social identities like race, class, gender and sexual orientation. "sexual orientation".... i hate that word. it sounds so nautical or something. like my "orientation" could be plotted on some graph or something. *shrug*.

anyway, i digress....

one panel member talked pretty explicitly about her thoughts about being pregnant and child birth. she spoke so freely and it seemed like the mere reflection on the past experience of pregnancy still fills her with energy. she said that being pregnant and giving birth reinforced the notion that "women are goddesses". *nod* it was a super cool moment.

and.... it made me lose my breath. i welled up and felt like i couldn't breathe. i guess i just want to be a goddess too.

i have realized that some of the most difficult parts of coping with infertility are those unexpected moments where the wave of emotion totally sneaks up on you and knocks you on your ass. its like being clotheslined by a giant pregnant belly or something. it sucks and i kinda cant wait for this phase of the infertility grieving process to be over.

im currently not sure about what to do with this blog in the future. it has been such a great source of support for me but im not sure how to transition out of a TTC mode and into something else. if i cant transition it comfortably away from being a TTC blog, then maybe its time to close up shop and start something new. we shall see. in the meantime...thanks again for the wonderful support.

oh... a friend shared this post from get born magazine and i loved it. check it out.

word.

little pink soldiers in my downstairs

i have a theory that relates to my infertility. it goes a little something like this...

i am convinced that past trauma coupled with my current work with victims of sexual assault creates the most hostile womb in the world for anything male. I think that when the doctors inseminate me with sperm, my body goes into attack mode and kills them all.

“put on your pink helmets, girls…. There is a whole school of perpetrators swimming this way!!! Kill them!!!”.

*sigh*

it sounds silly… but after 9 inseminations, I cant think of any other reason.

sad.

ill warn my sister in law (and anyone else who reads this) that this post will most likely be a long one. feel free to skim to the summary paragraph if you want.

this morning i woke up at 5am with a ridiculous urge to pee. i was shocked to realize that i got my period. today is day 25 in my cycle. i typically get my period between days 28 & 31. not sure why the heck it is here a whole 3-6 days early.

NM is out of town for the weekend on a college visit tour with 20 of her high school students. i wanted to call her right away but was afraid that she would be in the middle of some meeting with the kids and would have to figure out a way to keep it together. i decided to wait until she gets home tomorrow night to tell her. then i decided that was a dumb idea. eventually, i sent her a text and asked her to call me when she gets a chance.

for me, telling NM about AF’s arrival is one of the hardest parts of the infertility roller coaster. i want so badly to give her the family that we have been working so hard to create… so no matter how many times she assures me that she is never disappointed in me, i still feel badly breaking the news to her.

as always, she took it like a champ. we both cried a little on the phone, she told me over and over how thankful she is for what i have gone through, told me it wasn’t anything i did wrong and said that she has faith in our future. can you see why i married this woman (twice!)?

my doctor told me to make sure to wait until at least 11 days after the insem to pee on a pregnancy test because the HCG shot can cause a false positive. since it is only 10 days post insem, i decided to pee on a stick in the hopes that it would read “pregnant”. even though i knew it would be a false positive, i still wanted so badly to have the experience of reading that word on a pee-stick. in the end, it read “not pregnant”. *sigh*

im supposed to be working on my graduate research paper today but i cant stop thinking about all this crap. i shift between feeling so terribly sad…. to feeling shocked…. to feeling angry. im not used to wanting something this bad that isn’t within my control.

typically my coping mechanism for disappointment is to find all of the reasons why i didn’t really want something in the first place…

“who cares, that job probably would have sucked after a year anyway!”

or

“screw them…. im too good for them anyway!”

anything i can say or think to convince myself that i am somehow better off. this strategy does NOT work with TTC. my thought process goes like this….

man, who wants a stupid baby anyway?!

they are all loud and poopy and expensive,

i would rather spend that money on traveling the world with my babe.

yeah but traveling with a kid would be cool.

too bad we probably wouldn’t ever travel with a kid.

we would sit home and fight about laundry and chores.

but NM and I rarely ever fight.

that’s what makes our family so cool.

we disagree… a lot… but we never really fight.

we would have so much fun raising a kid together.

too bad we wont ever have one.

we will end up the crazy lesbo cat ladies.

but without cats since NM is allergic.

my self mutilating dog is the closest i will ever become to being a mom.

who cares, babies are dumb.

i told NM that i am nervous about traveling to see my family over rape and pillage day (thanksgiving) because there will be a pregnant lady there. she and i are not related but she is coming to hang with our family because her husband is overseas. they have one kid and are struggling to keep their marriage together because he is a jerk. its hard to be around folks in that situation when NM and i have such a wonderfully stable marriage and a strong desire to raise a child. im not meaning to sound judgy… because i really am happy for her that she is prego again… im just saying that it will be difficult to be around. pregnant women inevitably generate conversations about pregnancy and that’s hard for me right now.

im also feeling so annoyed at my body right now. like WTF is wrong with me?! 9 inseminations and i cant get pregnant?! meanwhile other people smoke crack and have noooooo problem reproducing a whole herd of kids.

my frustration with my body is also knocking up against some of my feminist values that have taught me to stop hating my body. as girls we are raised to hate our bodies… the way they feel, they way they smell, the way they are shaped…. and i spent years working on healing my self-hatred and have come to a place where i am truly happy with my body. and then i encountered infertility. i cant help but get angry at my body for being such a big friggin failure!

its so strange to think that i will be the only woman in my family to not experience pregnancy. and although i have never been the kind of woman who has fantasized about having a baby since the time i was 6 years old.... i still feel such a great sense of loss.

summary: i got my period. i’m incredibly sad. i miss my wife. my body is a loser.

*southern accent*... "a dingo with H1N1 killed my baybeee!"

ok seriously... if one more person comes to work sick as hell, im gonna mace them with lysol! im not typically the kind of person to get all worked up about getting sick, i mean hey...it happens to the best of us. but this whole swine flu (my students call it the "cop flu". lol) epidemic is creepin me out.

i was in a meeting yesterday with someone who said she had H1N1 but since she stayed home for 3 days, she wasn't contagious anymore. yeah right lady... then why all the hacking and sweating and shivering?! wtf?!

i know there are conflicting reports about the severity of H1N1 on prego women but i recently read that the flu can lead to an early term miscarriage. that will be my friggin luck... ill FINALLY get pregnant and then some idiot will give me the cop flu and ill miscarry! i dodged the hepatitis bullet from the run-in with the crack head nurse, but i'm not taking any chances with H1N1.

so far on campus we have had 1200 students report to the health center for the flu. i was conducting a sexual assault prevention session earlier today and one of the students in the room was clearly sick. i wanted to scream "GO HOME DINGO! STOP PUTTING MY HEALTH AT RISK!! I GOT LIKE $8000 RIDING ON THIS CYCLE!!".

grrr.

really? i mean come ON!!!!

ok, i get it. im infertile. my womb is probably drier than the sierra desert. i walk past house plants and they shrivel up and die. i have plenty of examples of my barren-ness every day.

not only do i have to deal with friends who unexpectedly get pregnant... "oops, we weren't even trying! *giggle*"

*deep breath*

and an ex-boyfriend who suddenly became a parent... "as it turns out, the paternity test says that i have twins"

*rolling my eyes*


but now we have to deal with pregnant women getting pregnant?

come on universe...what's wrong with you?!?!

ALREADY PREGNANT WOMEN GETS PREGNANT

the not-so-terrible two week wait.

i am officially 4/5 days into the TTWW. i am crampy as a mother-father and am still pretty irritable. im starting to think that my irritability has more to do with dealing with the nearly constant cramps and less to do with the raging hormones. *shrug* nevertheless...im in some pretty uncomfortable pain and its not fun. *pout*

we went to JC Penney this weekend with NM's mom (she was visiting for the weekend to help celebrate NM's birthday) and i was in the dressing room trying on a shirt when suddenly i looked at myself in the mirror. good LORD am i bloated! i pretty much look preggo. i am told that the joy of bloat is a side effect of the fertility drugs but my imagination cant help but think that maybe one of the past insems actually worked and im currently carrying a 6 month old baby in my belly. NM thinks im crazy but hey.... you never know! ive seen way weirder stuff on TLC!

this TTWW feels totally different that any of the previous 7 cycles. typically at this point in the ballgame i have my eye on the prize and cant WAIT for the 2 weeks to pass. every passing minute, hour, day is consumed with counting down.

this time, aka...my last try... feels totally different. its like i dont want the 2 weeks to pass.

i think im just afraid that this moment right now is the closest i will ever come to being pregnant. at the end of the TTWW i might get my period which then means that we will move on to other options for a child.

*sigh*
somehow, being maybe-pregnant is better than never being pregnant at all.

belly full o' swimmers

well... i have officially begun the TTWW. we had 2 inseminations (today and yesterday) so now all i can do is wait, wait, wait, wait.

the insems were no big deal... im pretty much a pro at this point. the new doctor's procedures differed slightly from our old RE but not too much. the biggest difference is the fact that they let me pee before the procedure. *wiping my brow* whew!! our old doctor said that a full bladder made it easier to "find the cervix" which always made me a little suspicious since we are talking about a space that is roughly the size of a grapefruit. how hard is it to find a cervix in there?

while it seems a small difference, it actually makes insems MUCH less annoying. i used to pee before we got in the car to drive to denver (our old RE was an hour away in denver) and then, since i didnt wanna flush $600 down the toilet, i would continue to hold my pee for hours after the insem. it wasnt fun. i have a very low tolerance for that kinda discomfort so having the opportunity to pee before the insem was a dream.

the nurse yesterday was this totally socially awkward lady who is probably really nice but in an insemination environment just seems odd. she put a hospital bracelet on me when we first got there with my name in big black letters. then, when she came into the room to do the insem she made me show her my bracelet and verify my identity. i still cant figure out why. she knows us...and has been our nurse for numerous other appointments. did she think we were gonna sneak some look-alike-jersey-double into the appointment? *shrug* weird.

i didnt have any freak out moments but did almost lose it when she showed us the vial to verify the donor number...

nurse: ok, can you look at this vial and verify that we have the correct number.
NJ: *checking the number on the side of the vial* yup...thats the one.
nurse: *looking at the vial* now, you do understand...that the red cap on this vial means that this is a mixed rate donor, right?
NJ: sorry but i dont know what "mixed rate" means.
nurse: no, *talking slowly* mixed raaaace. you do understand that this donor identifies as mixed race. right?
NJ: *not sure what to say*
NJ: yes. we are aware of the racial identity of our donor.

WTF!?!?!? she might as well have said, "excuse me miss white lady, are you aware that you might be creating offspring with.....A BROWN PERSON?!" because that's what i heard her say. i wanted to say, "yes...we lesbians are planning to create a queer multiracial family. stick that in your bible and pray about it". *deep breath* white people, i swear.

the second insem was pretty much the same but we had a much cooler nurse this time. well... i should say that NM had a much cooler experience since she and the nurse became BFF's while i was up in the stirrups. picture me, in stirrups, trying to keep my head off the dirty ass pillowcase, not able to see anything thats going on, feeling pinches and pokes and twists and i hear this....

nurse: ok, im gonna get the boys in the catheter.
NM: *laughing* oh, we call them "michael phelps" since we hope they are good swimmers
nurse: oh thats great! and speaking of phelps... isnt he amazing?
NM: i know! he was born to swim!

nurse: yes he was. imagine if he had never been exposed to swimming... what a huge loss. its crazy to think about how some people might be born to do something but because they are never exposed to it, they never have that chance.

NM: yeah...thats crazy.

nurse: so, what are you doing for the weekend

NJ: *resisting the urge to say, helloooooo?! i hate to break up the tea party but could you focus!

NM: oh, my mom is coming to town for my birthday this weekend.

nurse: oh that will be such FUN! we were just in california visiting my kids.

NM: oh really? where in california?

nurse: northern LA. we went to disney land and had a blast.

NM: oh i LOVE disneyland!

NJ: *thinking* ARE THESE PEOPLE SERIOUS?!?! WE ARE NOT AT A POTLUCK RIGHT NOW!!

nurse: well, let me tell you....we went with 4 adults and no kids and it was so much fun!

NM: *laughing* thats great! disneyland should be for adults only!

NJ: *thinking* the minute that i am im out of these stirrups, im filing for a divorce.

and....scene.

needless to say, NM didnt leave the appointment with the nurse's phone number or facebook info. *rolling my eyes*

men, i swear.

im not crazy, im just on fertility meds!

i had my final corn-dogging this morning and it went really well. well, i mean...as good as a corn-dogging experience can go, i suppose.

my eggs are frackin HUGE and it looks like we are set for wednesday and thursday of this week. woohoo! i told the RE that i feel like im about to get my period because my ovaries are KILLING me and my boobs are bigger than the usual DD...which is already pretty damn big. he said its all normal and part of the joys of hormones.

i shoulda known since i had the following interaction with NM on sunday:

NM: hey babe, where is the folder that we are using to store all of our doctor bills?

jersey: on the bottom shelf of the cabinet.

NM: which cabinet?

jersey: *impatient sigh and curt response* the cabinet with the drawer!!!

NM: hey babe...there is lots of other stuff in this folder. i thought we were gonna just use one folder for all of our doctor stuff.

jersey: *resisting the urge to claw her face off* well excuuuuuse me for living! i put the most recent bills in THAT folder because it was the only one i could find! if you dont like this system than make your own!! *fire spitting out of my mouth and eyes rolling back into my head*

NM: *long pause* oh, honey... are we gonna have..... "a day"?

jersey: "a day"?!?!?!? what the HELL is THAT supposed to mean?!?!?! god, i swear! how rude!! im on all these fertility meds that make my ovaries hurt and you're over there giving me grief.

NM: yeah, um... fertility meds.

jersey: *realizing what she is talking about* oooh, riiiiight. *nervous laugh* fertility meds make me crazy. *gulp* sorry.

so never the less, im pretty much one big raging hormone. its lots of fun.

but not more fun than the 7 inch needle that NM had to stick in my butt cheek today. after the corn-dogging we had to go home for an HCG shot. it was my first shot that had to go into the muscle and NM did a brilliant job. well, with the exception of one minor (read: irritating) freakout. i decided that she would have to give me the shot on the couch so that i could use our current free cable as a distraction. nothing like HGTV to take your mind off of a 7 inch needle.

i told her to handle the shot stuff on her own and then just stick me with it. but, bless her heart, since she was nervous, the experience was more like this:

NM: *attaching the draw needle to the syringe*

jersey: *watching HGTV*

NM: *drawing up the medication and then switching to the 7'' injection needle* oh....my.....god....

jersey: what?

NM: this needle is HUGE! *laughing nervously*

jersey: um, i dont need that right now! GOD!

NM: i know, im just saying! this thing is enormous!

jersey: stop talking and do it already! dont give me any warning and for the love of GOD dont count down. just do it.

NM: ok... here we go.... i can do this.... are you ready?.... here we go..... the nurse said to not hit the nerve... ok, i think i have the right location... oh my god.... are you ready?..... this might hurt.... ready? ready? ready?....one...... two.....

jersey: COULD YOU BUILD UP ANYMORE ANTICIPATION?! WTF!!! I SAID DONT COUNT!!! for the love of GOD! JUST DO IT!

and.....scene.

it actually didnt hurt that badly. it was way less painful than the follistim shots that go in my belly. anywhooo... tomorrow is the big day. send lots of fertile energy our way!!

ovary watch- 2009

i had the pleasure of receiving yet another corn-dogging yesterday morning to check the progress of my eggs. i couldn't believe the difference a couple of days can make! my ovaries looked like crowded NY subway trains.

i should have known that there was some growing going on in there because all weekend i was walking like the hunchback of notre dame. every step i took felt like someone was jabbing me in the ovaries and the only relief came from (very) small steps while hunched over. people on the street must have seen me and thought, "oh, i wonder what happened to that poor woman". little did they know, im actually subjecting myself to this torture. clomid made me crampy in past cycles but this follistim is no joke.

the doctor was actually pretty cool. he is a total ego maniac but im hoping that his ego is directly linked to his ability to get me knocked up. you know how men are... they love to spread seed around and then take no responsibility for the subsequent offspring. in some ways, being an RE is an ideal job for a dude.

i got a little freaked out though because in the morning before i went to the doctor, i was watching some dumb murder show called "snapped". we dont typically have television because we canceled our cable in may and never went to get the digital converter thingy but as it turns out, they never actually came out to disconnect it! they are coming in one week but in the meantime we are enjoying the free cable. yesssss! *fist pump*

i digress...

yesterday morning i flipped on some dumb show about women who murder their husbands. its called "snapped" and the women are profiled and totally portrayed like they are crazy. never mind the fact that almost all of them murder their partners in an attempt to escape abuse! but yet somehow this show manages to turn them all into gold-digging heartless psychopaths. *deep breath*

i digress again...

so, on this show there was a story about a woman who (along with her new man friend) killed her abusive ex husband. the new man friend was WAY crazier than she was and as it turns out, he was from the next town over from where i currently live! but wait, it gets weirder. to top it off, he looked just like our RE and...get this.... even shared the same last name!!

i texted NM to tell her and she told me that i should ask directly if he is the same guy. as tempting as this sounds, i havent been able to figure out how to make that conversation happen...

NJ: *in stirrups and getting corn-dogged* so... i saw the craziest thing on TV this morning....

doctor: *staring at the monitor* yeah?

NJ: yeah... i was watching this television show about murderers and they featured this story about a crazy murderer guy from the next town over.

doctor: *moving the corn-dog-stick around and watching the monitor* really. hm. interesting.

NJ: yeah. it was crazy too cuz he actually resembled you and shared your last name.

doctor: *totally ignoring me* really. wow. nurse, can you check the flux capacitor and issue a dose of blah-blah-blah.

NJ: so............................................did you do it?

and.... scene.

anywhoo... the doctor said that i have 3 big eggs that are ready to go and then over 5 that still need to bake a little. so the plan is for me to go in again for yet another corn-dogging and then a possible insem on weds and thurs. it will be our first experience doing 2 insems in one month. i know there are lots of conflicting messages about the success of doing 2 IUI's but we figure that it cant hurt. especially since this is my last shot.

in other news, i received a letter in the mail from my insurance company saying that they are going to help cover some of the $990 bill for anesthesia. not all of it, but most of it. needless to say, im very happy.

in totally unrelated news, we recently watched the film Hard Candy and loved it. if you haven't seen it yet, i highly recommend it.

WWIJD? (what would infertile jesus do)

ug. im in a bad mood. *folding arms and pouting*

we had an appointment for yet another corn-dogging this morning and even though that alone is enough to put anyone in a bad mood, we also had a pretty annoying conversation with the nurse.

we are hoping for an insemination this month (my last attempt) but we havent figured out how to get the swimmers to this new doctor's office. we have one rogue vial left at the other doctor in denver and apparently no one can figure out how we can get it shipped to the new doctor, 60 miles away. so then, the nurse comes in today and we have the following interaction:

nurse: i just talked to the doctor and we have bad news.

NJ: ok.

nurse: since we cant verify the quality of the specimen that you have at the other doctor's office we cant in good conscience use it for an insemination. sorry.

NJ: wait, im confused. what do you mean?

nurse: well, the doctor said that we really have no way of knowing what happened with that vial or how it was processed or handled so it would be irresponsible for us to use it. so we cant.

NJ: how it was handled? its been sitting in storage at the other doctor's office.

nurse: i know...but we cant be sure how it was processed so we cant in good conscience use it.

NJ: but the vial cost us $600. we certainly cant just throw it away.

nurse: *fake sympathetic smile* i imagine this is difficult.

NJ: so you're telling me that the doctor will only use vials that come directly from a cryobank?

nurse: im not sure. you see, the thing is... we dont typically deal with things like this.

NJ: *seething. and silent*

"things like this"?? what like, GAY people? ooohhh, did the gays throw a monkey wrench into your heteronormative medical procedures?

*deep breath*

so then, she also said that i have to go back for yet another corn-dogging on monday! WTF?! 3 ultrasounds in one month! im not katie holmes!!

im just so done with this whole process. its hard to make major decisions that involve major amounts of money when you don't really know if what they are telling you is legit. do i need 3 ultrasounds within 10 days? *shrug* how the hell am i supposed to know?! so there we are, forking over $300 for each one, not knowing if this is just some dumb protocol that helps pad their wallets!

and the other shitty thing is that i still cant completely shake the fears from the homophobic rumors. i want to believe that they are only rumors...but in the back of my mind i cant help but wonder. and i feel like i have to be on my best behavior and not challenge the system too much (which is nearly impossible for me) because otherwise their homophobia will cause them to screw us over. i know, i know... people arent that vindictive and im overreacting and i should learn to trust people more and and and... but when you have thousands of dollars on the line, its silly to not do everything you can to ensure success. its strange to be sitting in a doctor's office worrying about how likable you are and making sure that you try to do and say the right things so they will like you enough to not screw you over. i feel like im at some dating service trying to impress the staff so they will hook me up with a hottie.

and the other thing that kinda bugs me about this doctor is their facilities. i told NM that every time we go there i feel like i go back in time to the 70's. the walls have wood paneling and you can see the dust that has settled in between the panels. there are hand towels (yes, like actual towels) in the bathroom for people to dry their hands on. (is that even sanitary?!?!) and i swear they have the exact same pillow cases as my grandmother! you know how most doctors will use plain white pillow cases and then pull the paper over the top of the pillow? well not these guys. you have to lay your head on the same nasty ass pillowcase as who knows how many other women. laying on the table makes me feel like i went back in time 40 years and im in some guy's living room asking for an abortion!

we left the appointment and went home to do the third shot of follistim and i got this overwhelming feeling of relief that this will be my last time going through this madness. after taking the summer off from TTC i was excited to be back in the process again... but each passing day and each irritating experience and each bruise on my belly from the shots, seems to leave me feeling less tolerant of putting myself through this mess. enough is enough. we will go into this cycle with a positive attitude, zero expectations and lots of hope. and although i know that a failure this time will be sad and heavy and hard to recover from... in a small way, it will feel very freeing to be done putting my body through this.

those who cant birth, bake.

i love baking. if given my choice, i would spend all day, everyday baking.


i spent this past weekend working on my never-ending-thesis and baking two new recipes. the first recipe was one for jam thumbprint cookies. a few weekends ago we decided to can tomatoes and peach jam with some friends and like total amateurs, we bought WAY too many peaches and ended up with over 6 gallons of peach jam (not kidding). so, in search of a new recipe that would allow me to use up some of that jam, i made THESE cookies. they were pretty much the bomb.com.


the other recipe i attempted came from bakerella. i have wanted to make her famous cupcake balls for a while now but never had the courage. until this weekend. in another total lapse of judgement i also decided to try her cupcake pops. needless to say, mine didnt turn out nearly as good as hers.

i think my main problem was the thickness of the chocolate coating which didnt allow for much detail. anywhoo... im sure it takes a few attempts so ill try them again at some point.

this weekend also included a special little package on my doorstep.

......................drum roll..................................

three cheers for fertility meds!!

*deep game show voice* that's right folks, we have here 3 doses of follistim, 6 needles and an hsg shot.

but wait... there's more! just when you thought this offer couldnt get more exciting, there was one more thing in the box.....

....................drum roll..............................

a $432.00 bill!! *crowd goes wild*

*sigh*

at least we got one of those cool freezer packs out of the deal.

what part of "im from new jersey" dont you understand?

first order of business is to report that i successfully survived my first CD2 corn-dogging experience.

second order of business is to explain what the hell i mean by "corn-dogging". i have received a couple of emails asking what the heck i am talking about. yet another example that the thoughts in my head dont necessarily translate well to the outside world. allow me to explain...

*clearing my throat*

when infertile sally wants to have a baby she will most likely have to undergo many ultrasounds to check her innards. the method of said ultrasounds is not the typical goop-on-the-belly ultrasound like is seen in most movies when an already pregnant woman goes in for an ultrasound. oh no my friend...sally gets the pleasure of enduring the "internal wand probe" which, much like it sounds, is essentially a giant dildo-thing with an ultrasound camera on the end. so...when sally is in the process of receiving said "internal wand probe" ultrasound it is not uncommon for her to feel like a human corn-dog. there you have it.

third order if business is to share that yet another medical practitioner commented on how "easy" i am. what the hell!?!?! if you remember from THIS post, apparently i am "easy" to perform an insemination on. well this morning we had the following conversation with our ultrasound technician:

ultrasound tech: wow. you're so easy!

corn-dog me: um... excuse me?

ultrasound tech: its so easy to find your ovaries on the screen. i love giving ultrasounds to you because typically women aren't this easy.

*sigh*

if only i had a dollar for every time i heard that.

thoughts on money and getting corn-dogged

*heavy sigh*

so... i called the RE to tell them that its CD1 and they called back with excited energy and a plan for the next few weeks. yay!

step one: baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning (it will be my first corn-dogging experience that early in the cycle. um... fun.)

step two: start clomid on CD 3. stop clomid on CD 7

step three: follistim 150 on CD 8, 9 & 10

step four: second ultrasound on CD 10

sounds exciting, right? ok, aside from CD2 corn-dogging....it sounds like a great plan, no?

*sigh*

what started as excitement about being back on the insemination horse quickly morphed into a panic attack about how the hell we are gonna pay for this.

step one = $300

step two = $40

step three = $125 per shot for a total of $375

step four = $300

for a total of $1,015. and that's not including the cost of new swimmers and the inseminations. new swimmers will cost us $2,570 (after we use our $1000 credit at CCB), shipping will be $200 and then we still have one rogue vial at the old doctor that we will have to spend $125 to get shipped to the new doctor. then each insemination costs around $200.

so... the grand total for getting back on the horse will be.... *drum roll*.....$4,310.

*dry heave*

how the hell can i justify spending this kind of money? that is more money than i get paid to teach an entire course for the entire semester! it makes me so frustrated... and sad. *sigh*

and you know, i fully understand that we...as a non-hetero unit...are gonna have to face some additional challenges when it comes to getting prego. i mean after all, we are going against mother nature's plan and all that jazz. i get it.

so im totally ok with the notion that we might have to deal with doctors or pay more money to get knocked up. im certainly not advocating for free sperm dispensers on every corner. (although, i wouldn't fight anyone who attempted to get such a system implemented). what is so annoying to me is the grandness of the bills... the shear enormity of the cost...and that it isn't applied to everyone the same, across the board.

for example, if we lived in massachusetts, much of these costs would be covered by insurance. then, after a certain number of attempts, the entire bill would be covered... even up to IVF! its a trip for me to read posts written by women living in mass who are sad because they are "getting down to only a few more IUI attempts before they will switch to IVF because its free". um....what?? dont get me wrong, i fully understand and support folks for feeling sad because they aren't getting prego the new-old-fashioned way with IUI. IVF is painful and long and pretty invasive. but shit... at least folks have the opportunity to take that next step! for less than $30,000!

i think two things are bugging me right now.

1. if folks in other states have a policy that saves them THOUSANDS of dollars then for god's sake we should all have access to that same option. its not like NM and i live in some backwards country where gays cant get married...err, wait. you get the point.

2. and.... its so frustrating to make a decision and then immediately second guess our decision. we have talked sooooo many times and for soooo long about whether we should just stop now and move towards adoption but in the end we want to experience the process of pregnancy as a family and the process of birth together as a family. so we make the decision to try again and then one conversation later im back to feeling sick and scared and discouraged. not to mention the fact that im one day into my period (read: emotional) and im not really looking forward to getting corn-dogged tomorrow at the doctor.

so, in closing... im kicking rocks right now. not boo-hoo for me because im gay and we can get prego. more like boo-hoo for me because we cant afford to even try.

*singing* i know... all there.... is to know.... about the waiting game.

well, i finally took the leap.

i called the adoption agency and told them to put us on the waiting list. technically its the "waiting-for-the-waiting-list" waiting list...pero, its still a step.

the woman on the phone said that there are currently 25 couples on the "inactive" waiting list. those folks are waiting to be put on the "active" waiting list which consists of 30 couples. so...they have like 60 babies to place before we will see any action.

she estimated that we would spend 5 months on the "inactive" list before joining the "active" list. once we get to the "active" list, we get to hurry up and wait some more until we are chosen by a birth mom. this can take anywhere from 2 months to years.

in other news, today is CD1 and i called our RE to tell them that we are back in the race. we shall see what they say when the nurse calls me back. im excited to start trying again...especially with the non-homophobe doctor up the street. i certainly wont miss those long drives 3 times a month!

he's no marky mark but he's still quite a looker.

ok, let me just say that i totally heart california cryobank's new "celebrity lookalike" feature. prior to this feature we had to rely on some random staff person to describe in vague terms what the donors look like:

CCB staff: um...he has dark hair and dark eyes and his ears are kinda long

NJ: ok...im feeling creeped out because that description sounds exactly like my dad!

but now each donor's package comes...err, bad choice of words...lets try this again. now, each donor's profile contains a few celebrities that staff at CCB claim the donor resembles. so far in our process we have had 2 donors. the first donor is described to look like these three men:

1. John Leguizamo.....

2. Mariano Rivera......

and.... 3. John Secada.

JOHN SECADA?? um no offense to my mom but he is so not hot! im sure there are countless (ok, maybe 5) women who would count "having john secada's baby" on their list of life goals but come on! also, im not discounting how talented, down to earth and all around lovely john secada might be. but who wants a "lovely" donor??

not us. we want hot.

so...here is what the cryobank says our new donor looks like:

1. Cillian Murphy.

ok, so the photo on the right looks slightly boy-band which would make me mary kay letourneau... but do away with the wispy teenage hair cut and wow. he's a looker.

2. Olivier Martinez.

ok, i realize that the photo on the right looks like it was taken off of the cover of a romantic novel but still.... he's hot.

3. Rafael Marquez.

i have no idea who this dude is (im guessing soccer?) but he's pretty easy to look at. at the very least, he would certainly beat john secada's ass in a "who would you rather have sire your children?" contest.

the wind beneath my pee...

one day NM and i were visiting some friends when one of them shared that her friend had a friend who had a friend that didn't use diapers on her kids. at first i was puzzled by the statement and sought clarification:

NJ: oh you mean like she didn't use disposables?

Friend of a Friend of a Friend: no, i mean that she didn't use diapers.

NJ: wait... like she used towels or something? i don't understand.

Friend of a Friend of a Friend: no... she didn't use anything. like as in...nothing.

NJ: blasphemy! i don't believe it.

well... leave it to lovable childhood actress Blossom to prove me wrong. apparently this practice is called "elimination communication" and it means that parents don't use diapers. period.

much like having a new puppy, i suppose the parents pay attention to cues given off by the newborn and to timing (newborns pee every 10-20 minutes?). woah...sounds intense.

anywho... here is Blossom talking about her parenting techniques. i found this link on yahoo news and the title of the headline read "Child Star Blossom's Controversial Parenting Techniques". after watching the video i think that "controversial" is a bit strong. i hear "controversial" and think spanking or maybe letting the dog babysit... but to me, not using diapers falls more into the "strange things that other people do with their kids" category.

*shrug*

CLICK HERE FOR BLOSSOM VIDEO

yay!! an honest scrap award!!

wow... how cool?! Gaybie Rabies awarded me with the Honest Scrap Award...TIGHT! for those of you who haven't checked out her site, you must stop reading this and go there. now. the other day my best friend was talking about the possibility of having multiples as a result of clomid. she said, "well sometimes i wonder if it would be totally weird to keep one of the babies and then put the other one up for adoption". we agreed that it would be weird but i share this story now because sometimes i think that gaybie rabies is my twin sister separated at birth. i gotta call my mother ask if she ever took clomid!.

ok, here are the rules of this award:

1. link back to the blog that awarded you

2. extend the honor to 10 of your favorite blogs

3. list 10 honest things about yourself

so... in no particular order...here are my Honest Scrap Award Recipients!

1. eeeny meeny miney mommy ...i heart this blog because poppy has a way of making day-to-day interactions humorous and fun to read about. basically she allows us to get joy out of her gripes. plus, she has a fear of spiders that is comparable to my fear of bees.

2. Soulemama... i cant decide if i want to be the mom on this blog or the kids! soulemama is always full of awesome photos and their family looks like they have lots of fun.

3. eat poop love... carrie and becky are finally pregos...and with twins! *crowd cheers* carrie has some great posts about their process but i mostly love this blog because it has such great and positive energy.

4. are we there yet?... ok, this blog holds a special place in my TTC heart because it was my first official entry to the blogging community. one day while monitoring every single twinge in my body (during TTWW) i googled "symptoms 7 days post IUI" and found this post. i loved every word of it and ended up spending hours checking out her page and the links posted on it. eventually i decided to start my own so i have to credit "are we there yet" for introducing me to the wonderful world of blogging.

5. bakerella... those who know me know that i love love love to bake. one of the great things about working on a college campus is that there are always plenty of hungry mouths to feed in my office! this site has AWESOME recipes that range from complicated to super easy. i recently made THESE brownies and they were so easy and came out great. this isnt a TTC blog but its a great way to take your mind off of TTC.

6. margaret & helen...i have already shared how much i love this blog. go here and read why.

7. bulgy the blog... gotta show some love for a two-dad blog. these folks dont post very often but when they do its a hoot!

8. insert metaphor...another great blog that i go to when i need to feel like im not crazy or alone in this madness of TTC. plus, they met on the east coast so you know they gots to be coo!

9. dooce... i loved her book and can always count on a laugh whenever i visit her blog.

10. metal stork... last but certainly not least, metal stork is another great blog about TTC with lots of non-TTC related fun as well. they are also about to move from NM (the state, not my NM) to boston which kinda makes me hate them a little because i know ill never get NM (my NM, not the state) to move that far away from NM (the state, not my NM). whew...confusing!

and *drum roll* in no particular order...here are 10 honest things about myself....

1. in high school i dated the captain of the football team (you can read about him in here and here), was homecoming and prom queen (2 years in a row) and was the captain of the cheerleading squad (think bring it on...but worse). luckily i went to college and liberated myself. now im a big ol 'mo workin to take down "the man" and his patriarchal system.

*grabbin my crotch and spitting*

2. i have an irrational fear of bees that i inherited from my mother. i also inherited her inability to stick with one job for longer than 2 years. in her life she has been a singer, a school principle, a motivational speaker, a loan officer, a sales woman, a teacher for students with special needs and an entrepreneur. in my life i have been a sales person (i wasnt good at it), a waitress (i was even WORSE at that), a dog trainer, a baker, a photographer, a graphic designer, a cashier (my favorite so far) and now a college instructor.

3. i cant find a sports bra to fit my 36DD's. i dont understand why women with tiny boobs have 928,394 sports bras to choose from but those of us who actually need them cant find ONE!

4. i have lots of pet peeves but one of my biggest is when people get free sample rage. FSR occurs in grocery stores or wholesale clubs when people get so excited at the sight of a free dorito that they lose all awareness of the world around them and practically run you over in their pursuit of said dorito. chill out people...it will be there whether or not you run my toes over in the process.

5. i am technically bisexual. *gasp!* yes, sorry to disappoint the gold star lesbos out there but i have dabbled in the men folk and didnt hate every second of it. given that the vast majority of (straight) men are no good perpetrators, im very pleased to wake up every morning next to another set of boobs.

6. if allowed, i could eat bagels with cream cheese and coffee for 3 meals a day, every day.

7. although this might totally jinx me...i must report that i have never been happier or more emotionally stable in all of my adult life. im in a fantastic relationship with the coolest woman on the planet and our life together makes all the bad stuff feel like ancient history.

8. the highest math class i have ever taken was algebra II in high school. i managed to work the system in college so that my art history classes could count for my foundation credits. this means that im awesome at working the system and that im kinda dumb when it comes to numbers.

9. i dont make friends easily.

10. one of my life long dreams is to spend a year traveling with cirque du soleil.

excuse me...*posing like a body builder*....could you tell me where the gym is?

i went running this morning for the first time in over 4 years and it felt great!

by "great" i mean that i pretty much hated every second of it and felt like i was gonna puke the whole time... but beyond the physical reminder of how totally out of shape i am, it felt great.

my old workout goal was all about getting my body in shape for baby making but now my new goal is to get myself in shape so i can go to another water aerobics class and show those old people how its done!!!

the "tails" of a self mutilating dog.

*deep breath*
(why do so many of my posts start this way??)

so NM and i have been taking a break from TTC for a few months now. at first the break was an attempt to give my body (and my emotions) a much needed respite from tryin' to get knocked up. we had planned to start trying again in august...yes, the same august that is about to be over in 6 days...but our "let-NJ's-ovaries-have-a-break" break has now turned into a "let-us-pay-off-some-TTC-debt" break. and quite frankly, its pissing me off.

i recently received a bill from our old RE for almost $400 for ultrasounds and office visits that occurred in february. february??!! as it turns out, our insurance had a "delay in processing claims" so all the shit that we thought was being covered by insurance, wasnt. great.

and then, in addition, im still responsible for the $990 anesthesia bill from the hepatitis surgery in february! (oh, forgot to update and say that my test came back negative. my negative result has left me happy and sad at the same time. im sad because now we cant use my sue-the-hospital-for-millions-and-use-the-money-to-finance-TTC plan but im happy cuz...well, cuz i dont have hepatitis. lol. all joking aside, im super lucky. the current count says that the crack head nurse infected 27 people!!)

i digress...

between the stupid unfair ridiculous $990 anesthesia bill and the daily influx of late medical bills from our old RE, we have had to put everything on hold. again. *folding arms and pouting*.

i have heard many (straight) people say "there is never enough time or money to have kids so dont wait!" but that's easy to say when its essentially FREE to get knocked up! as many of you know, most RE's require payment on the day of service so it presents a slight problem when you dont have the funds to pay.

it also presents a slight problem when you dont have daily access to free sperm. when i think about the cost of a vial of sperm.... i swear, the person (most likely a man) who invented sperm banks was a true capitalist... step one: get men to come to the office and pay them $75 bucks to do what they are already doing at home for free. step 2: split each load into 10 vials and sell each vial for $600. step 3: sell these vials to desperate lesbos who dont have daily access to free sperm. holy crap they must make bank!

since we only have one vial left we need to buy another 6 pack which also requires money that we dont have. then, to top it off, our dog gully...

...decided to practically chew her tail off the other day which resulted in a $550 vet bill! she is fine now and the 9 pills that she has to take everyday seem to be helping her tail heal. i swear it was just a conspiracy to prevent us from having a kid which would inevitably interfere with the level of attention she receives. damn self mutilating dog!

in lighter news i heard the following joke the other day and thought i would pass it along...

how many TTC lesbos does it take to screw in a light bulb?

wait for it.....

wait for it....

screw in a light bulb??...hey, do you think it might help??

ba-dump-bump. im here all week.

as it turns out, i have twins.

i heard that my ex-boyfriend (the one from high school who i mentioned in THIS post) just had twin boys. typically this would be an occasion to offer congrats but here is a recap of our conversation which occurred via text:

NJ: hey...i see on facebook that your sister is holding 2 babies. the caption says they are her "new nephews". did you have a couple kids since we last spoke a month ago??

the ex: yeah...as it turns out, i have twins.

NJ: as it turns out? what does that mean? and how come you didnt mention the fact that you were expecting?

the ex: well i didnt know. we just got the paternity test back and it turns out they are my boys.

*deep breath*

i swear.

if i hear.

about one more person.

having a kid.

that they weren't intentionally trying to have....

i.

am.

going.

to.

scream!!!!!!

i survived surgery and a crack-head nurse and all i have to show for it is this $990 bill.

as you might remember from THIS post, i had surgery not too long ago and was exposed to hepatitis C from a crack head nurse who was swapping her dirty, saline-filled syringes with clean medication-filled ones. not only was this causing surgery patients great pain since they were essentially left with no pain medication, but she was also exposing people to hepatitis C.

the hospital sent me a certified letter saying that i had to go get tested. as i wait for my results, i have come up with a plan to sue the hospital for millions of dollars and use that money to finance IVF. muah-ha-ha (evil laugh). the only major flaw in this plan of course is the fact that i will have to test positive for a disease that will slowly kill me. damn it!

another minor flaw in this plan is that even if i did win settlement money i will most likely have to use it on the anesthesia bill from the surgery! WTF?? allow me to explain....

i got a bill for $990 in the mail from some doctor that i didnt recognize. we will call him Dr. Stranger. i called the number listed on the bill and had the following conversation with brittney, the unhappy worker at dr. stranger's office.

NJ: hi, i received a bill from this office but i am not a patient of dr. stranger.
brittney: did you recently have surgery?
NJ: yes.
brittney: he was your anesthesiologist
NJ: huh?
brittney: *starting to get irritated* dr. stranger is an anesthesiologist. if you recently had surgery then the bill you received is for his services.
NJ: but my surgery was covered by my insurance.
brittney: do you have blue cross?
NJ: yes.
brittney: dr. stranger isnt covered by blue cross so you have to pay.
NJ: ok, ill call my insurance and see.
brittney: fine. but im telling you that he isnt covered. and you have to pay.


as it turns out, brittney was right. i called blue cross and had the following conversation with sean, the unhappy worker at blue cross.

NJ: hi, i recently had surgery that was pre-approved by insurance but i just got a bill from someone who claims that they were my anesthesiologist and they arent covered by blue cross.
sean: could you repeat your member number?
NJ: *repeating my member number*...im just concerned because this is a pretty expensive bill.
sean: could you repeat your zip code?
NJ: *repeating my zip code*... and my doctor told me that the surgery was covered so....
sean: could you repeat your home address?
NJ: *resisting the urge to say, "what is the point of having automated answering service where we have to type all of this information into the system if you're just gonna ask me to repeat it all again!?!?!?!!?"*
NJ: *repeating my home address*
sean: ok, yup...it looks like he isnt covered.
NJ: and....?
sean: so you have to pay the bill.
NJ: but my doctor said the surgery was pre-approved!
sean: that doesnt necessarily include anesthesia.
NJ: excuse me? are you saying that i could have opted for surgery without anaesthesia?
sean: no but as the patient it is your responsibility to make sure that everyone involved with the surgery is covered by blue cross.
NJ: how the hell am i supposed to know who is involved in the surgery?! for all i know there is some random scrub nurse (or as time would tell, a crack head nurse) who isnt covered!
sean: ma'am, obviously every surgery involves an anesthesiologist.
NJ: obviously the insurance industry sucks! (i didnt really say that... but i wanted to really badly)


so... here i sit trying to figure out how to pay almost $1000 for a surgery that might have given me hepatitis C.

*shaking my head*

i aint a religious person but i believe there is a special place in hell reserved for crack head nurses and insurance agents.

some people have so much privilege they need to use google to find problems.

so.... its been a while since i have written. one of the fabulous things about working on a college campus is that we get lots o' time off in the summer. this provides ample opportunity to read new books, hang with friends, visit family, go on road trips, bake new yummy desserts, etc...but not too much blog time.

classes start here in 2 weeks so i suspect that my blogs will become more frequent as i write to vent about crazy students who make me love (and hate) my job. for example, in one of my classes a couple years ago we went to see An Inconvenient Truth and the students had to write a reaction paper (read: personal opinion) about a the film. one student wrote that the film was insignificant because "as a christian woman, i know that the earth did not exist more than 6000 years ago". um... ok... that's certainly an opinion.

and then another student wrote a beautiful response to the film...it had witty metaphors and clever word play. i told him that he could have a great future in reviewing films and he seemed nervous. on a hunch i did some digging and as it turns out, his review was so good because it was THE NEW YORK TIMES REVIEW OF THE FILM! oy vay.

then i had another student last year who plagiarized an entire 15 page paper on the topic of illegally downloading music from the internet. oh the irony.

ooh...one of my favorite student stories was the time when i taught a senior capstone class for liberal arts and the students had to identify a world problem that they were passionate about and then offer viable solutions for the problem. one student came to me a few weeks before the end of the semester and said:

jimmy: *deep meathead student voice* "um.... i couldnt think of a topic so i googled 'world problems' and the first thing that came up was 'world hunger'. can i write about that?"
ME: *blank stare and long pause*: "wait, let me get this straight... you GOOGLED world problems?"
jimmy: "yeah. so can i write about hunger or what?"
ME: *resisting the urge to punch him in the face* "jimmy, if you had to GOOGLE world problems to find a topic, do you honestly feel that you are in a position to offer a viable solution to world hunger?"
jimmy: *long pause* "yeah, that's true. so can i write about steroids?"
ME: "im sure you could."

and....scene.

im looking forward to the start of the semester so i can have more blog time and so that i can add to my list of ridiculous stories about students.

anywho...i digress. after all, this is a TTC blog so i should at least write about TTC. the problem is...there aint much to write about. loyal readers might recall that when we last left our heroines they were gleefully taking the summer off to rest the ovaries and then they were gonna pick up again in august. its now the middle of august and we still dont have a solid plan.

this is a lame post with nothing much to offer the TTC blogging community so i apologize to the 2 of you who have taken 3 minutes out of your day to read it. lol. ill be back on the horse soon enough with more TTC deets. stay tuned.

a wedding worth attending.

i stumbled across this video earlier this evening and it pretty much made me wanna get married again. ("again" as in for the 3rd time to the same woman). im sure the couple in this video is already well on their way towards a divorce but as far as im concerned, more weddings should look like this. err...but maybe without the Chris-domestic-violence-perp-Brown song since interpersonal violence kinda puts a damper on the festive mood. *shrug*

regardless...check this out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

indefinitely stranded at JFK.... hour number 3 and east coast charm.

as you may have noticed, my "secret identity name" on this blog is jersey. yes, as in THAT jersey....you know, the armpit between two cities. as a self proclaimed jersey girl i am often one of the first to proudly claim (read: defend) jersey culture and look forward to visiting the east coast when im feeling low on dunkin donuts, sarcasm or poor customer service. on a recent visit to jersey i was in the drive-through of mc donalds and had the following interaction with the discontent voice on the loud speaker:

unhappy 16 year old worker: *dry tone and in one breath* "welcometomcdonaldscanitakeyourorder?"
ME: "yes, hello. i see on your menu that you have something called a "big and tasty"...could you tell me what that is?"
unhappy worker: (long pause) "its big....... and its tasty." (long pause)
ME: "um.....ok.......but does it come with like tomato and cheese and lettuce?"
unhappy worker: (long pause) "............. i have no idea."

and....scene.

i was reminded again today of how much i love east coast customer service. i am currently stuck at JFK airport because my connecting flight to boston was suddenly canceled. upon seeing the big yellow "cancelled" next to my flight, i turned to get in line at the gate to ask the clerk what my options were. i arrived at the desk in time to hear the following:

confused customer: "i just dont understand what my options are"
irritated underpaid clerk: *raising his hand in the air* "sir, you are not my problem. you have to go to the information desk to get your answers."

*looking around* did he really just say, "you are not my problem"?? oh snap!!


in an attempt to avoid the hand-in-your-face service from the gate clerk i decided to follow the customer to the info desk. there was a line of about 784 people and two...count them...TWO clerks working the desk...although teeechnically only one of them was actually serving customers (the other one was probably writing a blog post about how much she hates her job). anywho...when it was finally my turn i walked up to the counter and had the following pleasant interaction:

slowest and least accommodating or pleasant clerk in the world (SLAOPCITW): "NEXT"
ME: "hi. hows it going?"
SLAOPCITW: *no response or eye contact*
ME: "ok, um....i was on the flight to boston that just got canceled and im just wondering...."
SLAOPCITW: "boarding pass."
ME: "huh?"
SLAOPCITW: *speaking slowly as though i am deaf* "Do..... you..... have..... your.... boarding... pass?"
ME: "oh, yeah. sorry. here it is."
SLAOPCITW: *tapping hard on her computer keys*
ME: *trying to make conversation* "man, what a pain in the butt, huh?"
SLAOPCITW: *no response or eye contact*
SLAOPCITW: *hands me a white sheet of paper and looks past me* "NEXT"
ME: "wait... what is this paper? whats happening with my flight? im confused."
SLAOPCITW: *looking at me like im the dumbest person she has ever avoided eye contact with* "THAT is your new boarding pass. your flight leaves in 2 hours. NEXT"


i think i have been living in the mountains too long. my east coast charm (and accent) is starting to fade away. im also feeling less appreciative of the sassy east coast customer service. this makes me kinda sad so perhaps i will go search the terminal for an old lady to knock over or something.

11 things i have learned during my TTC journey....

1. no matter how many people you know who have managed to get knocked up on the first try....it doesn't mean that you will.


2. comments like, "dont worry, it will happen one day!" and "at least you have more than one uterus" are irritating.

3. there are some pretty cool people out there in the blogging community.


4. there are some real nut jobs our there in the blogging community.


5. most people wont know how to treat you once you start having "fertility issues". i cant count the number of times that i have had the following conversation:

Friend A: "so, hows everything going?"
Me: "good, thanks. im working a lot which is good but also exhausting and NM is knee deep in the summer program so she is super busy too. we have been trying to do some yard work and spend as much free time doing crafts as possible."
Friend A: "ok. so how is everything going?...like with everything."
Me: "um....good. not much else is going on....oh, NM's family came to visit last week which was fun. the little nephew is growing so fast!"
Friend A: "ok. but what about everything else...*glancing down towards my stomach*... like, how is everything going with, you know...the whole....like baby thing".

the whole like baby thing?? why do people suddenly talk like this?


6. contrary to popular myth...being from jersey doesn't make you more likely to get knocked up.


7. not all gay women need an HSG before TTC. just because we lack a readily available fully functioning penis does not make us all "infertile".


8. "how to not be awkward when your patients are a bunch of queers" is clearly not taught in medical school. therefore, we queers should prepare ourselves for doctors who say, "oh, how nice that you brought your little buddy with you for the appointment". look lady, i'm gay...not a cast member from Gilligan's island! (true story)


9. most of us walk around not knowing jack 'ish about how our bodies work. our fallopian tubes are the width of a human hair....WTF?? then why do they draw them as thick as bubble tea straws in the middle school health textbooks?!
stupid patriarchal medical establishment. its pretty sad when i know more about erectile dysfunction than i do about my own damn ovaries.


10. while i cant say that the infertility roller coaster has been fun, i have learned that i wouldn't go back and change a thing. NM and i have had some of the most amazing conversations through this process and i believe that it will make us better parents than anyone else on the planet. well, maybe not better than sara palin...but close.


11. receiving comments from total strangers from the blogging world never stops shocking me. you mean to tell me that someone other than the people who i make read this thing actually read this thing??



ok...your turn. what have you learned during your TTC journey??

if my grandma had her own blog...

(my own margaret)

i simply have to take a minute and say how much i love THIS blog. margaret and helen are friggin hysterical and although they aren't technically a TTC blog...they certainly help me to ease some TTC stress through their humor.

the blog actually does remind me quite a bit of my grandmother. not only because her name is margaret but also because she is in her 90's and is sassier than a teenager! she curses like a sailor and has a biting wit that leaves me in tears. for example...we were out to lunch to celebrate mother's day and the waiter came to the table and said, "happy mother's day, ladies". my grandmother turned to him and replied, "happy mothers day to you, you MOTHER!". he failed to see the humor.

the other day i was talking to her on the phone and she asked me for a phone number. apparently i was taking too long because i suddenly hear, "whats taking you so long?.....as slow as you are, are you sure you teach college?". lmao. i love it!


anywho...if you haven't read their blog, check it out. some of my favorite posts include THIS one and THIS one and THIS one.

one more reason to give GWB the big middle finger.

we had our first meeting with the adoption agency today. it went really well. some of the misconceptions that i had going into the meeting included:

1. adoption is a looooong process that most often results in heartache.

2. birth moms almost NEVER select homo parents.

3. the process to adopt is a bureaucratic nightmare that will most likely cause us to get divorced.

after the meeting, my new information includes:

1. adoption is a loooong process that rarely results in heartache.

2. birth moms these days actually select mo's on a regular basis. our agent said that she has placed 5 babies with "same-sex" couples in the last year.

3. the process to adopt is a bureaucratic nightmare that we might actually enjoy!

the agency that we met with is one of 3 or 4 in the state that takes glbt couples. its still such a shock to me that i live in a country where it is 100% legal to say, "sorry, we don't offer our services to gay families". what is this the 1950's??? imagine someone saying, "oh sorry, we don't offer our services to asians or jewish people". grr.

*deep breath*

anyway...i digress. the woman we met with was super cool. she wasn't just "tolerant" of our "lifestyle" but actually expressed anger towards the other agencies that don't work with glbt couples. she said, "that just enrages me!". anti-homophobic passion from a breeder?? tight!

this organization is super small and only handles domestic adoptions. they only take 30 adoptive couples at a time so right now there is a waiting list to become a client. she said that the waiting list takes about 6-8 months before you will become a client. "becoming a client" basically means that your portfolio will be given to birth moms when they are choosing a family for their baby.

so it seems like the process looks like this:

1. join the waiting list

2. in the meantime, work on the portfolio (id love to hear from other bloggers about how they created theirs!!)

3. get other paper work completed (references, medical history forms, etc)

4. get off the waiting list and become a client.

5. complete the home studies

6. get finger printed and get background checks.

7. once we are "paper ready" our portfolio will be added to the available adoptive parents stack for birth moms to take home to review.

8. wait to be selected!

we left the meeting and both agreed that the process felt more exciting than we had anticipated. NM said that she wasn't expecting to feel excited but that the process of adopting seems very in-line with our values. it was really cool to see her excited about the process. *smile*

the other friggin wonderful thing about the adoption process is that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with my body!! i wont have to be poked with needles or turned into a corn-dog once a month with the ultrasound probe!! the agent didn't mention anything about injections or 5 people standing in the room while examining my downstairs or any medications that would make me Crampy McCramp! in fact, it kinda felt weird to not take my clothes off and get into a paper gown for the appointment. lol.

the thing that has been weighing on me since the meeting (because there always has to be something, right??) is that she said that she has already placed 9 times the number of babies this year as compared to last year. at first this sounds like a great thing because there are more babies to go around but when she explained that the economy is the reason....it broke my heart. and it made me want to punch george bush in the neck. for all the "family values" crap that he spewed...his decisions and actions have left us in a place where more families cant afford to keep their children.

when NM and i were looking for a house we looked at one foreclosed house and decided that we didn't have the stomach to go through with it. not that there is anything wrong with buying foreclosed houses... i totally support anyone who chooses that option. but for us it was so friggin sad to think that we were able to capitalize on another family's heartache. i felt that way when i thought about the increase of babies due to the crappy economy. its sad to think that in a different economic environment, some of those same parents would have the choice to spend their lives raising their children. *sigh*

anywho... not meaning to be a debby downer so ill close by saying that we are super excited about this new avenue. we are going to follow the agent's recommendation to meet with at least 2 other agencies so that we can compare services. since there aren't too many that will let us in the door (since after all, gayness is contagious...*rolling my eyes*) we only have a couple of options to try. the other two that she recommended do domestic and international adoptions so it will be cool to learn more about that option. yay!

one more reason to *heart* ikea!

its daddies. plural. has this photo on their blog from an ikea store in mass.

i *heart* ikea and i *heart* the idea that one day glbt families will be depicted as often as the breeders.

*day dream sigh*

and i didnt even share a needle with tommy lee!!

its no secret that NM is a "minimizer". not as in the bra, but rather in the "oh, stop worrying...im sure that gushing wound will heal right up! *big smile and a pat on the back*" kinda way. *rolling my eyes*

its also no secret that i am not a minimizer. i take a small thing and blow it totally out of proportion until before i know it, im practically planning my own funeral over a paper cut.

for example...right now i am sitting here typing this and cant take my mind off of my throbbing thumb. earlier this evening i cut jalapenos for homemade salsa and the oil from the pepper is still burning! (i wonder if anyone has ever lost a finger from pepper-burn?) while most people would have the ability to put the throbbing out of their mind (i bet im developing a blister... maybe if i suck on my thumb it will feel better... ow, that makes my tongue burn) i just cant stop thinking about it and (hm, its still burning...i wonder if there was some crazy pesticide in the pepper that is now giving me this intense reaction...i remember that movie the incredible shrinking woman where lilly-tomlin-the lesbian- shrinks away to nothing as a result of the combinations of chemicals in her system...what if that happens to me?) and all of the possible negative consequences! (what if my finger burns like this for the rest of my life?!). see what i mean? im ridiculous.

our different coping mechanisms typically make me and NM a well balanced pair. she keeps me grounded and i will no-doubt one day save her life by making her go to the hospital against her better judgement. im writing about this today because we have had a recent drama that is not only a perfect example of our differences in coping mechanisms, but also has something to do with TTC.

the other day a news story broke about our hospital. apparently some crack head nurse has been swapping her dirty needles out with clean surgery needles. so far 9 people have contracted hepatitis C from her dirty needles. she has since been fired but i shared the story the other day with NM and we had the following interaction:

NJ: holy shit...some crazy ass nurse has been swapping needles with clean surgery needles at our hospital! like 78 people have hepatitis C now!!!!!
NM: *flat affect* wow, that's scary. hey, what should we grill tonight?
NJ: did you hear me?? that's the same hospital that i had my fallopian tube thingy done.
NM: and by "fallopian tube thingy" do you mean your laparoscopy?
NJ: thats not the point!! what if that crack head gave me hepatitis C!!
NM: (feeling the need to balance my overboard-ness) you dont have hepatitis C. im sure it was during a different time or in a different wing than where you had your surgery.
NJ: (feeling the need to balance her minimizing) i think she looks familiar!! she was my nurse!! she totally gave me hep!! i dont think they let people with hep adopt babies! and people die like immediately when they get it!!
NM: listen pamela anderson...you dont have hep. plus, nobody dies from hepatitis anymore. calm down.


and....scene.


so... imagine my horror when i came home from work today to find out that i received this in the mail:


that's right... a certified letter from the hospital stating that "our records indicate that you had surgery at our hospital between october 21st and april 13th. if this is correct, we believe, as does the state health department, that you should take a free, confidential blood test. This test will help determine if you were exposed to hepatitis C as a result of your surgery".

um.... WTF???

naturally i called NM immediately to share the news (and to point out the fact that she shouldn't have minimized!!)

NJ: so...i just got a certified letter in the mail saying that i might have been exposed to hepatitis C from that crack head nurse.
NM: WHAT??
NJ: i hate to say i told you so, but.....cough-toldyouso-cough.
NM: babe! that's scary!
NJ: its kinda tight...i mean, if i have hep we can totally sue the hospital and use the money to finance IVF or adoption!!!
NM: but then you would have hepatitis C!!
NJ: well according to you, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, "people don't die from hepatitis!".

and..... scene.

so now i gotta go to the stupid lab tomorrow to get a blood test. wouldn't it just totally put the icing on the cake if we have spent all of this time and money and energy...and we have been driving hours and hours to use medical facilities in a distant city... just so that i would end up with pinche hepatitis C??? i don't even swim in public pools for god's sake!! mother father!!

i'd take mark ruffalo's swimmers anyday!!

i read tonight that

Lisa Cholodenko (director of High Art & Laurel Canyon) has a new film in the works. its called the kids are alright and apparently its about a lesbian couple and their children's quest to find, and meet, their sperm bank-donor-daddy. here is the synopsis....

"Nic and Jules have raised two smart and wonderful kids, Joni.and Laser. When Joni turns 18, she and Laser meet their biological sperm donor father, Paul, and his presence in their lives causes friction within their family. Mia Wasikowska (Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland) and Josh Hutcherson (Journey to the Center of the Earth) play the siblings who decide to find their lesbian moms’ sperm donor. Annette Bening and Julianne Moore play the lesbian moms, Nic and Jules. The donor turns out to be cutie Mark Ruffalo."

im cautiously optimistic about the potential outcome of this film. on one hand its nice to see a film that captures non-mainstream families that so many of us have, or come from. the whole young-stereotypically-beautiful-white-heterosexual-couple-meet-and-fall-in-love-and-almost-break-up-but-in-the-end-they-get-married-and-get-pregnant-on-the-first-try...story line is getting pretty played out if you ask me. hell yeah we want to see films about gay families, gay-ish families, single parent families, kids-being-raised-by-other-family-members families, foster families, adoption families, etc.

i think the "cautious" part of my cautiously optimistic view is that i really hope they dont screw it up. given all of the negative things that are said about GLBT families, it would be great if the film doesnt perpetuate the biology=destiny fallacy. even the talk about michael jackson's kids lately has been interesting in that so many people question if "those are really his kids?". those of us in TTC bloglandia know that biology has very little to do with whether a child is "really" yours or not. anywho... i got my *fingers crossed* that the film will do a good job of showing how totally normal we are in our abnormality.

infertile sell-out or is adoption the new pregnant??

you might have noticed that i have added some new blogs to the "you should read these blogs too..." list. if you play the sesame street "one of these things is not like the others" game, you will notice that these new blogs are about adoption. *gasp!* (enter dramatic soap opera music). those of us who follow TTC blogs will know that "adoption talk" typically equals "giving up hope" on ever getting pregnant. im certainly not there...yet.

our appointment with dr. to-be-or-not-to-be-a-homophobe went surprisingly well. we were treated very nicely by the front desk staff who asked me (without stuttering once) "is she (gesturing to NM) your partner?". they included NM in paperwork and asked for her insurance information as well. (not sure why since we aren't legally tied....but the gesture was still nice).

i only had one....ok, two... minor freak outs while filling out the paper work. the first one went a little something like this:

NJ: "look at the top of this form... it asks for my name, address, date of birth, and marital status. no big deal. but THEN it asks, 'How long have you been married?' AND 'How many times have you been married?'. WTF?? what does THAT have to do with anything??"

NM: *shrugs* "just leave it blank"

NJ: "Just leave it blank??? it makes NO sense that they would need to know how many times a patient has been married! even if i had been married 190 times...what does that have to do with my medical care today??"

NM: "but you haven't been married 190 times, so leave it blank."

i left it blank.

freak out number 2 looked like this:

NJ: *very audible sigh*

NM: "what now?"

NJ: "look at this form... what am i supposed to write???"

NM: "the form asks if you are legally married...?"

NJ: "i realize that. what am i supposed to say?"

NM: "we aren't legally married."

NJ: "we are legally married in Massachusetts!!!"

NM: (pause) "but....we aren't in Massachusetts...so leave it blank."

NJ: "but that means i have to put 'single'! that's a lie! i AM legally married to you! its not MY fault that colorado doesn't recognize it!!"

NM: "then put that you are married!"

NJ: "but we aren't married here!"

NM: (gives me the "are you serious right now?" look)

NJ: (pause) "ooh, i have an idea... how about i leave it blank?"

once we handed in the paperwork it was smooth sailing from there. while in the waiting room i flipped through a magazine about adoption and thought it was odd that they would have adoption magazines in a fertility clinic. that's kinda like having wheel chair brochures at an orthopedic surgeon's office. i would hope that the majority of patients wouldn't need information about adoption after using their services. *scratching my head*

we were called to the back by one of the PAs who sat with us in a consultation room. i have since renamed her Lesbo McDyke because i could barely hear her over the loud beeping of my gaydar alarm. NM and i laughed later about how my earlier emails and calls (the ones where i accused the office of being homophobic) caused them to choose Lesbo McDyke as our PA. regardless, she was cool. i pretty much knew i was gonna like her when she said, "The doctor will have a whole butt load of information for you". "butt load" and wood paneling in a doctors office?? this was my kinda place!

dr. turned-out-to-not-be-a-homophobe was pretty cool. he wasnt wearing a wedding ring but mentioned his "wife" on a few occasions. i thought this was a sign that he is an adulterer but NM said that it might mean that he isn't super rigid about traditional marriage roles. *shrug*

he said that we aren't crazy to try "2 to 3 more times" with me before "changing the plan". given that this doctor does 2 inseminations per cycle though means that 2 additional tries could be the equivalent of 4 tries with the other doctor! i cant really start talking about the finances right now because...well, i dont want to end up braking my keyboard from typing so hard. im sure that it will be another post all of its own. stay tuned for that rant.

i digress...

the point of this post is actually that we are tossing around the idea of adoption. im honestly not sure how i feel about it... and by "tossing around" i mean that we have had the following interaction:

NJ: "maybe we should meet with an adoption agency just to hear what they have to say."

NM: "tight. great idea".

so today i called the local agency that works with GLBT families. their website even has photos of gay couples! we have an appointment in 2 weeks with a specialist who will fill us in on the deets about the process. again, im not giving up hope... we are just expanding our net to include other possibilities.

*nod*

lets just hope that the specialist doesnt ask me if we are married. *smile*

cry me a river.

time off from TTC has been kinda nice. no charts or graphs or shots or opk's or counting days...i almost feel like a regular ol' person again. we have officially left our doctor and have our first consult with the new doctor tomorrow afternoon. im feeling both excited and nervous about the whole thing. here's why....

im feeling excited because it will be our first experience with the doctor in town that has a reputation for being homophobic. wait, that didnt come out right. what i mean is that im excited about meeting with a new doctor. period. im also somewhat excited (but also apprehensive) about meeting mr. new-doctor-the-homophobe to see if he is or is not a bigot. more investigation "on the street" has indicated that perhaps it was his father (who started the practice) who was homophobic but our doctor (the son) apparently isnt. i suppose only time will tell. it will be nice to travel 2 minutes to doctor appointments rather than the typical hour plus. an hour long appointment would require 3.5 hours off of work for me and NM. it will be nice to have less demand on our schedules. given that he is the only RE in a 60 mile radius...lets hope for a negative result on the bigot test...otherwise its back to road-tripping it for every ultrasound. grr!

im feeling nervous because our new doctor doesnt take our insurance. this isnt a super huge deal because most of the costs associated with TTC arent covered by any insurance company anyway. but, things like the initial consult ($450), blood work ($150) and ultrasounds ($270) will now be added to the pile of costs with each passing unsuccessful month.

i had a breakdown-of-sorts last weekend when NM and i sat down to look at our finances. we were hoping to put in a new back yard patio (nothing fancy...just some flagstone) but when we took into account the money that we will start spending again on TTC...little else fits into the budget. we are down to one vial of swimmers which means we need to re-order before we start any additional procedures. when i looked at our finances and thought about the fact that we are about to spend thousands of additional dollars in what might be a feeble attempt at pregnancy...i broke down.

its not so much the amount of money that bothers me....its the uncertainty of it all. im not the type of person who has ever enjoyed gambling and TTC feels like im standing at a poker table in vegas with $5000 in my hand! if i knew with 100% confidence that spending 5 or 10 or 15 thousand bucks would result in a child...i would say, "go for it!". but when looking at the plans that NM and i have for our future, do i really want to waste 5 or 10 or 15 thousand dollars on trying unsuccessfully to have baby!? *sigh* the whole thing makes me feel nauseous.

taking this time off from TTC has made having a child seem less imperative. not so much in the out-of-sight-out-of-mind kind of way...its just that taking a break from the constant mental strain of it all has allowed space and energy for other things.

and.... at the same time, as we watch 4 couples in our lives as they start (or add to) their families...its hard to not feel even more desperate to add to our own. last weekend we happened to see all 4 of these couples at various points throughout the day and the cumulative impact was hard. its not that im not happy for each of them... i totally am. and its not that i cant be around or talk about babies... because i totally can. i think that the thing that feels hardest is how far away the possibility feels for me and NM. we are no where close to conceiving so its hard to grasp that it will be a year (at LEAST) before we have the chance to experience children together.

this post has turned into a bit of a whiny sad story which wasnt what i had intended so i think ill stop here. *fingers crossed* for a positive experience at the new doctor. im feeling hopeful about what he will have to say.

yeah, your grandma kicked my ass...so what?!

in an attempt to get my ass at least a little bit more in shape (studies show that being 10 or more pounds overweight can negatively affect fertility...*rolling my eyes*)....i took my first water aerobics class tonight. the class was held at the senior center which means that i was the youngest member of the class by about 20 years.

when i first got there, the pool was packed with women...mostly young, blond and stereotypically pretty....so i was slightly irritated. if i wanted to be around physical trainers and fake tanned barbies, i would have used the pool on campus! much to my shock however, when the class ended and the group began to exit the pool, every single one of them had big ol' pregnant bellies. wtf?? just what i need...yet another reminder of my barren womb. i laughed to myself as i looked around at my classmates, "i bet these old ladies are more fertile than i am!". then, mostly out of guilt, i thought to myself..."hey! maybe the herd of preggies left some fertile energy in the pool!!" (trying to not think about limited bladder control that most of them were probably experiencing. *dry heave*)

anyway...i digress....the class started out as i suspected, a total yawn. we bounced around a little and stretched our muscles but nothing even remotely strenuous. in fact, 2 of the women had their sunglasses on top of their heads the entire time, all but one of the women in the group had at least a pint of hairspray (most likely aerosol aqua net) in their hair, and 2 were wearing dangle bead earrings. i was clearly in the "no water above the neckline" class.

as the class continued i spent most of the time trying to come up with an excuse to leave. the pool's lap lanes (all TWO of them!) were as empty as my uterus and they were calling my name. just as i was about to make my exit, the instructor called out "baby frogs!!" which i soon realized meant that the class was picking up speed. good.

"baby frogs" basically means that you jump in place but when you bring your knees up, you try to bring your knee caps out of the water on either side of your body. it took me a minute to get the hang of it but once i did it was actually kinda fun. jump.... jump... jump.... oh, this is fun... jump... jump...wow, im starting to feel out of breath...jump... jump...hm, interesting. could i possibly be getting an actual workout at the senior center!??! jump....jump....jump...

as i continued to baby frog, my knees dropped lower and lower with each jump.... jump....jump....we should be stopping at any moment... jump....jump....jump.... surely the instructor must have lost track of time or messed up the counts... jump....jump...jump....(instructor's voice) "ok ladies- keep jumping, but now bring those arms over your head!".... jump...reaching up...jump....reaching up...jump....reaching up....starting to feel panicked.... jump.... is this instructor trying to kill these old people??....jump...jump... i start to look around in a desperate attempt to make eye contact with one of the old bags.... but... jump....jump.... they are all jumping and chatting and laughing....what the??....jump....this cant be... jump...jump...how the HELL are they still jumping....jump... jump...and i can see all of their knee caps.... jump...jump... wiping water out of my face.... and how the HELL do they keep their hair so dry??.... jump... jump... (the instructor's voice) "ok ladies-"....jump... oh good, we are about to stop... jump... jump..."-time to get serious! no more baby frogs- lets start to MAMA FROG JUMP!"

??!?!?!?!?!?!

*heavy defeated sigh*

no wonder god wont give me a baby... i just got SCHOOLED by a bunch of old ladies!!!

*tail tucked*

cant wait till class on wednesday!

maybe i want to drive my OWN car!!

when we share the fact that we have had trouble getting prego, people will often respond with, "well, its a good thing you have more than one uterus between the two of you!". this comment used to bug the shit out of me but i couldn't ever put my finger on why. the further along we got in our journey....and the more failed attempts we had...the more i came to learn that my ability to give life has more to do with my own feelings of self worth than i had initially realized.

im not sure if its about our socialization as women...from day one we are molded into little mothers... or if its just something in my biology.... *shrug*... all i know is that NM's spare uterus "between the two of us" (*rolling my eyes*) doesn't change the way i feel about my OWN ability to get prego.

one day, after a particularly difficult appointment at the doctor, NM was driving and was trying to be as supportive and caring as possible....

NM: "you know, maybe its time for me to get over my aversion to getting pregnant. if it would be easier, i can start to try if you want?"

NJ: (long pause)

NM: "i mean, i don't really want to get pregnant.... *shiver*... but if it would make it easier, i don't mind trying"

NJ: (long pause) "oh sure..... that sounds GREAT!.... lets just drive your car!"

NM: "um... huh?"

NJ: "well, you talk about it like its just as simple as, 'oh, your car is broken down on the side of the road? that's ok, we can just drive my car!". never mind the fact that i might actually WANT to drive MY OWN car!!!"

NM: "i think you have officially lost it."

the "lets just drive your car" conversation has now become a humorous story between us. but in the moment, it dawned on me that the reason why i don't like when people say, "well why doesn't NM try to get prego?" is because it discredits and dismisses my feelings about my own infertility. imagine losing a grandparent and then someone (in an attempt to console you) saying, "well, good thing your wife still has a grandmother!". i realize its a bit dramatic but you get the point.

its also interesting having two uteri (uteruses? uteri? NJ public schools = *shrug*)between us because it has really confirmed my belief in reproductive rights. i believe that women... technically all people, but especially women... have the right to make decisions about what happens with their own bodies. period. i don't want NM to feel pressured to get prego simply because my womb sucks. if she doesn't want to put her body through that... then we will find another way. *nod* and... if i want to carry a child, i want people to respect that desire and not try to make me feel better or distract me from my sadness by reminding me that my female partner has a uterus! no duh!

that's just my baby daddy (oh and my high school boyfriend)

so, interestingly enough, in the last two days, two different male friends have volunteered their little swimmers to us in the hopes of helping us with our baby quest. ever since we have started on this journey we have only ever considered using anonymous donor sperm. the idea of using a sibling, cousin or close friend as a donor just creeped us out. (no judgement for those who have chosen that route...its just not for us).

we have had lots of humorous conversations with the men in our lives about all the reasons why they should be our donors.... "because you would make a great dad!", "because you could have sex with lesbians, make a couple hundred bucks in cash, and not have any parental responsibilities for the subsequent offspring", "please?? you have the best hair and fashion sense of all the men we know!".... but we have never actually considered using a friend as a serious option.

honestly, im not entirely sure that we would ever consider it, even with the recent offers. im blogging about this today mostly just to process via writing and to sort through some of the questions that are swimming around in my head. the first (and most sincere) offer came via a conversation i was having yesterday with a very old friend of mine who i had lost contact with until recently. he and i dated for quite a while and broke up while i was in college because we both grew apart. well, technically i grew into a lesbian but that's a different story for a whole different blog.

anyway... we were chatting yesterday and i asked him if he was happy with the path he is on in his life. he responded by saying that the one thing he wants in life is to have kids...but he doesn't really want to settle down and get married. i jokingly suggested that he find a couple of lesbos who live in the same state he lives in and offer his swimmers! he laughed and then said, "i would totally do that for you guys, actually". hm. interesting. suddenly the idea of using a friend didn't seem so weird.

which brings me to the point of this entry.... where do we get our ideas about what a "normal" family even looks like?? i mean, i work with a woman who had her partner's nephew's baby! when i first heard that, i couldnt even believe it was real... but the more i am around her and her daughter, the less weird it feels. i mean, how much less weird is her situation than the idea of 2 straight people accidentally getting knocked up after only dating for a month?!? who is to say which is more or less "normal"? i mean, is it really THAT weird to think of NM and i having a baby using my high school boyfriend's sperm??



um..... actually....*shiver*....... yeah.... it is. lol. (again, no judgement on those who have chosen this option... but its a little too much for me!)

i digress... the point is that i sometimes wonder how to keep a grasp on my own moral compass thorough this whole thing. like, 2 years ago i totally scoffed at the idea of people spending years and thousands of dollars trying to have a kid.... "i mean come on! if its not meant to be, why would you spend all of your time, money and energy on it?? move on already!"....

......but now that i sit here on the opposite side of the fence, 1 year and thousands of dollars later, i cant imagine ever giving up hope! so i cant help but wonder if our beliefs about what is "normal" will continue to change as our options continue to dwindle. and if in the end, we have a happy, healthy, loved, wanted baby.... does it really matter who the donor was?

i guess the point of this entry is that im working through the idea of "desperate times call for desperate measures". one year ago i thought that spending $15,000 on IVF was a desperate act. i judged women who chose this option and felt sorry for how desperate they were to have a baby. "Psh... that would NEVER be me!".


*swallowing my words*


now that it IS me, i have a greater understanding of why couples practically get a second mortgage in order to have the money to continue trying to have a baby. its about the dream...and about not giving up on the dreams that you have for your family. *nod*.

and to top it all off, the whole process is so damn complex and mind numbing that it stirs up emotions and values that you didnt even know you had! like for example, desperate times make the idea of having your high school boyfriend's baby (15 years later!) seem not so outrageous.


*sigh*
i need a beer.

the water is cold!! *brrr*

its been a few weeks since aunt flo came to visit and im feeling better than i had expected. in true universe-will-take-care-of-you fashion, i got my period in the midst of one of the busiest 2 weeks of the year. between grading final exams and spending a week in the mountains on a student retreat, i had lots of stuff to keep my mind off of my bleeding womb. interestingly enough, two of our friends had a baby the day after i got my period and i didnt even break down after visiting them in the hospital. i left the visit thinking, "man, kids are a lot of work!" and took the opportunity to appreciate some time alone with NM................

(sidebar: welcome to baby maya!)

.............thats not to say that i didnt have a few breakdowns. i certainly did. but interestingly enough, this time around the disappointment seemed to affect my general mood more than it created full blown breakdowns. i mostly just felt down and irritated. sorta like having a paper cut or a small pebble in my shoe. one positive thing about getting my period was the fact that i could go an entire day without cramps! (the small joys). fertility meds make you bloated and irritable and give you cramps...and then, just when you are ready to pull your hair out...your period brings a whole new level of crampy crapness!

so, needless to say, i have somewhat enjoyed having my body back to myself for the last 2 weeks. it has felt great to not have to worry about counting days or peeing on sticks or getting poked and prodded by the doctor.

and

at the same time, its somewhat sad to come to grips with the fact that we are no closer to having a kid of our own. as maddening as the TTWW is, at least there is hope that in the end we will get a positive prego stick. we are mostly spending these days trying to balance feeling relieved with feeling sad...relieved to have a break but sad that there isnt a baby in our future yet.

i can tell that we both are beginning to open our minds to the idea of talking about a new "plan". this never comes in the form of a full conversation with a list of actionable steps...typically the conversations happen in moments when we both know we dont have much time to talk about it, like while in line at the grocery store:

NM: look, john and kate are on the cover of people.
NJ: how sad. its terrible what the media has done to their family. speaking of family, how are you feeling about the idea of you trying to get prego next?
NM: (long pause)
NJ: oh look, its our turn to pay.

its not that we dont want to talk about the plan...its just been so nice to not have the daily "what if" conversation. "what if i dont get prego this time?", "what if we have to change donors?", "what if the new doctor is a homophobe?". i think we are both just slowly allowing ourselves to tip toe back into the frigid barren lesbo waters. *brrr*

sick humor to help ease the pain....

Aunt Flo...

no energy to write.... my stupid aunt flo came to town. *sigh*