the woes of a barren lesbo... si se puede!

the woes of saying goodbye...

2011-10-06T08:32:00.000-07:00

after much thought, i have decided to bring the woes of a barren lesbo to an end. i have not come to this decision easily... in many ways, this blog has been my substitute baby for the last 3 years. i have loved it, nurtured it and spent countless sleepless hours contributing to its growth.

i have decided to start another blog that more accurately captures my newest life path. at this point i want to blog less anonymously in the hopes that it will allow our friends and family to stay updated on the adventures of our family. for this reason, im not posting the new address on this page yet but am happy to share the link with folks if you shoot me an email and de-lurk.

one of the reasons i am shifting to a new blog is out of respect for those who are still fightin the good fight with TTC. i remember first finding the TTC blogging community and feeling for the first time like i wasnt alone. so often i would stumble on a great TTC blog post about struggling to get prego and then as i clicked on other posts, realize that the majority of the recent posts contained baby pictures and stories about parenthood. i would feel sad and frustrated... like the only kid who wasnt being picked for the kickball team.

now that i have secured my very own kickball team uniform, i dont want to taint the "woefulness" of this blog. i want it to remain a space where other folks can come and vent, grumble (and hopefully laugh) at how shitty TTC can be.

im not dismantling the blog and will be sure to post any TTC related references i stumble across.

in the meantime, i want to thank all of the fabulous blogger folks out there who take the time and energy to share little bits of your hearts and minds for the world to see. im proud and honored to have shared this part of our journey with you all and thank you for making the bumps along the road a little more bearable.

in solidarity....
jersey.

a baby and two blisters on my toes.

2011-10-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

holy crap... i wanna start this post off by sending a huge shout out to everyone who has sent messages of love and congrats. it felt like a big ol' cyber hug. *smile* serio, its been wonderful feeling so supported by my blog peeps.

theres lots of stuff that i want to get documented so i guess ill just dive right in.

tuesday 8/30 - 1:30 pm
i was chillin at work when the caseworker called. "she is officially in labor. you're having a baby today." i tried my best to resist the urge to sprint immediately to the hospital as she gave me more details. "birthmom is 4 centimeters dilated and is about to get an epidural. the epidural will most likely slow down labor so there is no need to come to the hospital just yet. you could probably finish out the day at work, get some dinner and then head over to the hospital".

i hung up with the caseworker and called NM...
NM: hello?
me: *southern accent* daddy, its time. (steel magnolia reference, anyone?)
NM: time for what?
me: *exasperated sigh* babe. its like time.
NM: OH!!! ITS TIME!!

1:45 - NM and i walk to a friends office on campus to tell her the news.

2:00 - chatting it up with our friend... talking about random stuff like what to wear to the hospital, when we might want a food delivery, etc. when i realize i have a voicemail.

Voicemail = "jersey, this is your caseworker. birthmom is currently being wheeled into the operating room for an emergency c-section! you need to get to the hospital as fast as you can!!"

now, on a side note... NM has a friend who delivers babies for a living (i cant think of the official doctor word for that job right now. im running on fumes these days.). anywho, this friend claims that she can complete a c-section in 17 minutes. with this knowledge in mind, NM and i start RACING across campus to get to the car. naturally i had to pick this day to wear my super cute snooki leopard print flats. i could feel them digging into my pinkie toes with each stomp. i thought about taking them off but could totally hear NM in my head saying, "ew. why do white people always walk around bear-foot?!"

so... we got to the car and began the 3 mile journey to the hospital. i was tempted to start the text/phone chain but NM looked at me and said, "lets just be present in this moment together." it was crazy to think that the next time we would ride in our car, there would be a tiny human in the back seat.

2:25 - we arrive at the hospital and race up the elevator. as we make the turn into the hallway leading to the maternity ward, a nurse walks out of the operating room with a baby in her hands.
she yells down the hallway:"are you jersey and NM??"
me and NM: "yes!"
nurse: "well come meet your baby!"

we made it just in time. *smile*

the nurse escorted us to the nursery where they began to clean the little dude up. he was screaming his little head off and full of life. as it turns out, the umbilical cord was on top of his head so every time the birthmom pushed, it would cut off his flow. at some point they lost the heartbeat so they decided to go in. he was pretty far wedged into the birth canal so they had to use the vacuum to get him out. poor little guy had some pretty bad bruising and raw skin on his head.

luckily our hospital is pretty adoption-friendly so the nursing staff was supportive of us as parents. the only hiccup came when it was time to put on the baby lojack bracelets that prevent anyone from stealing him. our birthmom said ahead of time that she did not want a bracelet. that would mean that NM and i would both get to have one. the nurse said that they had already put one of the bracelets on the birhmom while she was knocked out in surgery and it couldnt be changed. apparently hospital policy dictates that the birthmom always have one of the bracelets.

i wasnt too concerned about me and NM... one bracelet would be fine since we were pretty dead seat against separating while in the hospital. i felt bad for the birthmom though. she had clearly indicated that she didnt want to know anything about the baby or have anything that would remind her of the baby and then they go tying a giant nursery bracelet on her when she is passed out.

we spent the first hour of the boy's life with him in the nursery. he had an IMMEDIATE sucking reflex and since his head was super sore, the nurses gave him a pacifier to help him self-soothe. it worked immediately. he ate a full meal and got a bath before being wheeled into our room.

since we werent admitted patients in the hospital, we coudlnt exactly get a free room to crash in. there are a bunch of adoptive parents on the nursing staff so as a group they have collectively done quite a bit to make the hospital adoption-friendly. they set us up in a room called the "sun room" which was essentially a large conference room with a tv and pull out sofas. the hospital provides that room for free to allow adoptive parents to spend the night with thier new baby. it was so awesome to have the opportunity to have a private space to spend 2 nights with him rather than being stuck in a waiting room or being forced to go home overnight.

while we were in the sunroom we had the opportunity to meet birthmom's father... our boy's birth grandfather. birthmom wanted someone to meet the boy but wasnt up for meeting him herself. she asked her father to meet him (and us). it was a very emotional meeting... something straight out of lifetime tv... and we all cried. he held the boy and said that he looked like his daughter. he thanked us and said that his daughter felt at peace as soon as she found our profile. it was a beautiful moment shared between us all... ill write more about it in a later post. in the meantime... i have a diaper to change!!

baby rolls and tiny toes

2011-09-06T17:07:00.000-07:00

woah... life with a tiny human is busy. im working on the birth story but in the meantime thought i would share some photos. nothing cuter than baby rolls and tiny toes. *day dream sigh*

he's here!!!

2011-09-03T17:16:00.000-07:00

healthy baby boy born on tuesday... 6lbs 13 oz.
totally perfect in every way.

more details as soon as we settle into a routine.

*biggest smile ever*

because of course we have to wait.

2011-08-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

its one day past the due date and here i sit on a monday morning, ready to start yet another work week. you know, after years of waiting... waiting for the TTWW... waiting on the adoption waiting list.... waiting to be picked.... waiting for the 8 weeks to pass until his due date arrives.... you would think that the universe would do me a solid and let this dude come ON TIME! shit. im so sick of waiting!

actually, im feeling kind of torn. you see, today is michael jackson's birthday and i gotta be honest... im not wild about the idea of my kid sharing a birthday with the king of perps. err, i mean pop. so, im hoping he will bake one more day and come tomorrow.

ive been having crazy dreams the last few nights about waiting in the hospital for him to come. the first two dreams included the announcement that he is a girl. im not sure what that might mean.

in last night's dream our case worker came into the waiting room and told us that our birthmother hasnt been paying her taxes so if we want the baby we will have to pay the last 3 years of taxes for her. it was thousands of dollars so we left the hospital without a baby.

i think i might be starting to legitimately worry about the what-if-she-changes-her-mind possibility. *sigh* through this whole process we have both tried to remain focused on the fact that above all else, we support reproductive rights... including a woman's right to parent her child. we intentionally chose an agency that provides tremendous resources for birthmothers and in fact, more than half of the birthmothers who seek services at our agency choose to parent their children before they even reach the stage of picking an adoptive family. if a birthmom goes to the agency and says, "i want to choose an adoption plan for my baby", the agency will do lots of counseling with her to determine why she is choosing adoption. if the birth mom lists things like child care, school, limited funds, etc as reasons why she is choosing adoption, the agency will connect her with community resources that might help her have the ability to parent her child. if after the counseling, she still prefers to make an adoption plan... she is then allowed to look at adoptive parent portfolios.

given all of these steps, the agency's disruption (failed adoption) rate is super low.... they have only had one disruption in 11 years. i have the utmost confidence that the birthmothers in our agency choose adoption because it is the right decision for them. this is super important to me because as much as i want a baby, i have zero interest in adopting a child that a birthmother would have preferred to parent, had she been given the resources to do so.

i often feel uncomfortable with the sense of entitlement that adoptive parents express once they/we are "chosen" by a pregnant mom. when disruption happens, its not uncommon to hear adoptive parents talk about being "screwed over" by a birthmother. i have never experienced a disruption so im not sure how i would feel should that happen... but i would hope that NM and i will remain committed to our belief in reproductive rights. should our birthmom decide to parent her baby, i will be crushed and upset. AND... i will support her right to do what she feels is best for her life.

i realize that this is all easy to talk about on a blog, when im not actually experiencing a disruption. who knows... perhaps this time next week i will be writing a post saying how much i hate our birthmother for stealing "our" baby. lol. only time shall tell.

NM and i have decided that should we experience a disruption, we will take a 2 week vacation someplace warm and secluded with lots of beach sand and booze. i personally think we should go to belize and visit the big blue hole.....

its pretty much a giant sinkhole in the ocean but the photos look like ultrasound picture of a barren barren empty womb. quite fitting, i think.

let hope this little dude comes soon. in the meantime, i suppose ill head to work for the day. *grumble*

Positive Adoption Language - PAL

2011-08-26T07:31:00.000-07:00

"she gave her baby up for adoption."
"are they natural sister and brother?"
"do you have any children of your own?"
"do you know your real mom?"

at some point in my life, i have no doubt said one or all of the above statements. like most things in life, my language was a reflection of my knowledge and understanding of the world around me. the more experience i have had with adoption however, the more i have grown to understand the importance of positive adoption language (PAL).

i first learned about PAL in our adoption class. basically, PAL is the choice to use language that frames adoption in a positive way rather than in a negative or second-option kind of way. a good example is the phrase, "gave the baby up for adoption" (which i have said countless times). without even knowing it, using words like "gave away" unintentionally creates a feeling of negativity. the phrase "give away" sounds cold, careless and inhumane..something a person does when they dont love something.

the reality of adoption however couldnt be farther from cold, careless or inhumane. birthmothers go through unbelievably selfless and painstaking moments as they create an adoption plan for their baby. they spend countless hours, often under stressful circumstances, to do their best to create an adoption plan that will be the best for their baby... even if it means emotional pain for them in the process.

to think of it from the perspective of the child... to say that someone "gave you up" feels like you werent valuable enough to keep. the reality though is that adopted babies are SO valuable, their birth families only wanted the best for them. the use of PAL means that the child wont hear "your birthmom gave you up" and will instead hear, "your birthmom chose an adoption plan for you".

this article says it best....
PAL begins with the concept of family. Historically people have been considered to be members of the same family when one or more of several conditions are met: they are linked by blood (father and son,) they are linked by law (husband and wife,) they are linked by social custom (woman and her husband’s sister), they are linked by love. We don’t blink at the concept of two non-genetically-related people being members of the same family if one or more of the other criteria are met…except in adoption.

Though in adoption parent and child are linked by love and by law, the fact that they are not connected by blood has often meant that some people are unwilling to acknowledge their relationship as genuine and permanent. Thus they use qualifiers (“This is Bill’s adopted son”) in situations where they would not dream of doing so in a non-adoptive family (“This is Bill’s birth-control-failure son” or “This is Mary’s caesarean-section daughter.”) They tend not to assign a full and permanent relationship to persons related through adoption (“Do you have any children of your own?” or “Have you ever met your real mother?” or “Are they natural brothers and sisters?”) They assume that adoptive relationships are tentative (“What if his real parents want him back?”)

now that i have begun to make a shift in my language its amazing to me how many blatantly negative messages i am starting to notice about adoption, birth mothers, and adopted kids. ive heard lots of "you were adopted" jokes, have had people make terrible assumptions about our birthmother's personal habits and have begun to notice how frequently the term "gave up" is used to describe the choice of adoption.

last semester one of my students (who was adopted at birth) said that she saw a book in the "comedy" section of the bookstore called "Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals". basically the book has tons of cute photos of baby animals with captions that help you break bad news to someone... like, "you're fired". she said that she flipped through the book and laughed at some of the captions. but then she came across this page...

she was struck to read that being adopted would be included in a book about terrible news. she said "i know lots of people who have such shitty parents, it would be bad news for them to hear 'Sorry, you were NOT adopted'". lol. i love students.

anywhoo... the point of this post isn't to be the language police. its mostly to share that i am learning a lot about how our society frames adoption and am hoping that our family can be one of the small examples that helps create change.

in other news, 2 days until the due date. getting so excited to meet him!!

thoughts on nesting

2011-08-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

we have started working on the boy’s room! the tiny human will be inhabiting our craft room which is directly across the hallway from our bedroom. the original color of the room is kinda sorta like this….

which is actually a pretty cool color but we want something a little less electric for the nursery. we were inspired by these nurseries.................

.............and decided to paint the room a warm brownish/grayish color with pops of color in the accessories. we figure grey will allow him to make an easy transition from baby into boy and neither of us could stomach the baby-pastel colors. *shiver* it just aint our style.

as the descendant of carnies, i have an unshakable desire to turn the inside of my house into a circus tent. you can only imagine the strength of this desire when faced with the task of decorating a kid's room. *breathing into a paper bag* if i had it my way (which i rarely do) we would go all out and have a room like this:

but as you can imagine, NM heard the words "ferris wheel" and refused to even listen to reason.

as far as baby items…. we haven’t purchased anything yet other than a car seat. a lot of adoption literature recommends that adoptive families resist the urge to shop, or paint, or set up a nursery, etc until the baby is actually in their care. I guess the idea is that its good to keep the “what if she changes her mind” perspective. personally, I have come to the decision that this advice is total bulllshit. well, maybe that's too judgey. ill just say its bullshit... for us.

dont get me wrong, I understand that some couples are afraid that the deal will fall through and they will be forced to face an empty crib the next day. but how is this any different than a regular pregnancy? its not like we advise pregnant couples to hold off on nesting until after the baby arrives "just in case you miscarry". that would be silly. plus, I don’t think I will be any LESS depressed simply because I haven’t purchased anything yet… “whew, thank GOD I didn’t buy that baby swing! losing the baby would have REALLY been hard then!” *rolling my eyes*

also, i feel like our choice to adopt makes the nesting process even more important. when you are 8 months preggers, you have a daily reminder that this tiny human will soon be joining your family. we dont have that reminder and although we certainly never forget about him... its just hard to make it feel real when there are no physical reminders.

so…I think that NM and I have found a happy medium when it comes to “nesting” and have decided to paint the room (cause who wants to paint when there is a tiny human in the other room?) and get some of the bare essentials. and clearly by “bare essentials” im referring to this onesie

"you had a baby, bob. its a girl and we named her brenda." -la bamba

2011-08-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

we are still chewing on names for the little dude. sadly, NM has vetoed jersey, camden, trenton, bronx, brooklyn, paulie d, the situation and biggie smalls. she is such a killjoy.

im realizing that naming a kid is kind of intense. im sure we have all played the "what would we name our kid" game... you know, the game that always ends with the most ridiculous names and a hearty bout of laughter. my favorite is a friend who said, "im gonna have a son and name him steven, but im gonna spell it a-l-e-x-a-n-d-e-r. so when people say 'alexander' he can say, 'no, its pronounced steven'."

but now its like, for reals. at the end of the game i gotta have an actual name for an actual human. woah. intense.

and speaking of intense... answering the "have you thought about names yet?" question sure does open the floodgates of opinions. jesus. who knew people were so die hard about naming a baby. I can talk to 50 different people in the span of 2 minutes and get 50 different -yet equally passionate (read: manic) opinions about the same friggin name.

the most common reactions look like this...

person #1 (also known as i-might-stalk-your-baby): “roger? wow. I love it! I don’t think I have eeeeever heard such an angelic name. its like the sound of angels singing on sunday. he is destined for greatness with a name like that. I wish I could change my OWN name to roger. strong, beautiful, angelic roger. *day dream sigh* if you love him you will pick that name.”

person # 2 (also known as you're-the-reason-gay-people-shouldnt-be-allowed-to-name-kids): “ROGER?! is that some sort of sick joke?! what kind of person names their baby rooooger?! I swear, if you name that baby roger I will call child protective services and report you for abuse. god. its like the sound of poop sloshing in a toilet. how could ANYONE. EVER. consider such a name?!?! *dry heave*”

person # 3 (also known as the oversharer): "did you say Roger? as in, r-o-g-e-r? omg... that's totally my uncles name! he was my faaaaavorite uncle growing up. well, until he was arrested for child pornography. he should be getting out of jail in 2015 though, so that's good. i only knew one other roger my whole life and he was a guy i worked with at the mall. he came to work one day with a knife and threatened to kill everyone so i never saw him after that. hm, i wonder what happened to him? strange... i cant remember. anywho... i think roger is a great name!"

person # 4 (also known as the united nations police): "roger? really? its nice but..... its sooooo *long pause*.... ethnic. and the baby wont even teeeechnically identify as *insert random ethnic identity*. im just saying that EVERYONE knows that roger is a *insert ethnic identity* name. so dont you think its straaaange to name a baby *finger quotes*-"roger" when he isnt *insert ethnic identity*?"

person # 5 (also known as dr. seuss): "roger? hm... that's a cool name. but you know what would be even cooler? dodger. ooh! or how about bodger. yeah! have you thought about bodger? that's a great name! bodger. bodger. yeah...that's it. that's the name. oh wait... what about modger?! i like that best. yeah. modger."

someone set me on fire, please.

ps. we arent really considering roger. its a great name, really. just not for us.
pps. no offense if your have a perpie uncle named roger.

the boy's first paparazzi shot!

2011-08-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

everything is still moving along as planned. the boy passed the 36 week mark on sunday and will technically be considered "full term" on august 8th. eeek! the last ultrasound was 2 weeks ago and he weighed 5 lbs 2 oz. (the photo above was from an earlier ultrasound taken in april)

the due date is still august 28th though and since most first-time pregnancies tend to go late... im thinking we have some time. he might even be a september baby.

NM and i leave for our babymoon on saturday. a whole week in the florida sun... i cant wait! we have our fingers crossed that the little dude wont decide to come early and force us to fly home mid-trip. if he does, im sure it will be an omen of things to come in his teenage years.

our caseworkers said that the birthmother is doing much better emotionally and physically. as it turns out, she has very little support from anyone other than her mom and had been feeling pretty overwhelmed with the whole process. they said she still attends all of her meetings and medical appointments alone but is in better spirits. (*sigh* i can barely attend my annual pap exam alone so im pretty impressed with her strength!) it’s a strange feeling to care so deeply about someone we have never met. in many ways, she is a part of our family and its been difficult to not be able to offer her our direct support. closed adoption is tough in that way.

although, knowing me… its probably a good thing that we aren’t in contact. I could SO easily end up adopting a birthmother right along with the baby…. “babe, she just needs a place to stay for 2 weeks.” lol. NM would surely divorce me.

she has decided that she doesnt want one of the hospital bracelets (the ones that give access to the nursery) so NM and i will each have one. we are fortunate that the hospital in our area is very adoption friendly so we will most likely get our own room and will spend the night with the boy.

we are still in seemingly constant dialog about names and circumcision (we welcome any suggestions on either topic!) and continue to watch the clock tick down with anticipation. we arent quite at the TTWW stage yet (which officially starts on august 14th!)... but getting close!

and then jersey punched her computer screen...

2011-07-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

yo... is anyone else getting trapped in the never ending loop of login screens and comment verification codes anytime you try to post a comment on another blog?!? AAAAAHHHHH!!!

i was about to set myself on fire from frustration but i think i might have found the solution...

1. close all of your open browsers except one.
2. while that browser is open, click on "tools", then "internet options"
3. under "browsing history" click "delete" (i was pretty much going for the enema of computer cleaning so i chose to click all of the boxes. you could experiment and see if it still works without wiping it all out.)
4. go back to blogger and login WITHOUT clicking on the "remember me" box. leave that box unclicked... apparently this is the secret solution. *shrug*

i have no idea how permanent this solution is... but it worked for me so i thought i would pass it along as a temporary fix for anyone who is about to destroy their computer. feel free to comment with other solutions/tricks that might work better than this!

"congrats! wanna hear a nightmare adoption story?"

2011-07-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

the process of telling people about our news has been fa-scin-a-ting. by far the most common response goes something like this:

"oh my god!! im so excited for you!! what are the chances that she might change her mind?"

while this question definitely comes from a good place (ie. wanting to protect us from harm), it has started to get pretty annoying. i have decided that from now on, when i see a pregnant woman im gonna say "congrats! im so excited for you! what are the chances that the baby could die?". lol. kidding, kidding. but you get the point.

another interesting thing that we are learning is that most people expect that we will be adopting an older child. when we mention that we will be at the hospital when he is born people often say, "wait... youre getting a baby??! like a baby baby?!?" then the excitement goes through the roof.

these reactions remind me of how many misconceptions i used to have about adoption, birthmothers, legal nightmares, etc etc. its funny how something that once seemed so foreign and scary has now become so run-of-the-mill.

anywho... i have gotten lots of questions about what we know so here goes:

* birthmother is a 19 year old college student
* birthfather knows about the baby and has already signed away his parental rights. (this is a big deal because if the birthfather isnt int he picture, we would have to run ads in newspapers announcing the adoption to give him a chance to come forward. as you can imagine, few people even read the paper anymore so there is always a fear that a birthdad could resurface and say, "i had no idea this baby existed and i want rights")
* birthmom is super healthy... no drugs or alcohol.
* birth family lives locally and all seem to support her choice for adoption

the only somewhat negative part about the birthmom is that at this point, she prefers a closed adoption. for folks who dont know, a closed adoption means that we wont get to meet her or know any identifying information about her or her family. we had really hoped to have an open adoption so that our kid could have access to his birth family and grow to know them. we believe that everyone has the right to know where they come from so this part is kind of a bummer. its not that we would want to co-parent with them or anything... but occasional visits and photo updates would have been great.

our caseworker said that the birthmom is feeling super overwhelmed right now and is pretty miserable physically. it sounds like the pregnancy has been really rough on her so we are hopeful that maybe after all is said and done... and some time has passed... she will reconsider the no-contact rule. *fingers crossed!*

let the roller coaster begin!

2011-07-15T08:46:00.000-07:00

Written on June 30th at 11am

its been a little over 48 hours since we received the news and its juuust starting to sink in. yesterday was a rough day for me and im not entirely sure that i have figured out why yet. i spent most of the afternoon crying and crying and crying... with little understanding of what, exactly, was making me upset.

after processing with NM and a couple of close friends, i think that it all boils down to a feeling of loss. i know that probably sounds strange since we finally seem to be GAINING a family member... and im not sure if anyone else has felt this way immediately after hearing news about being picked.... but its like im suddenly TERRIFIED that i will lose NM through all of this. like i fear that one day we will wake up, roll over and think "i hate my life. when did everything go wrong?". you know those couples who were once so in love but somewhere along they way they lost each other? *sigh*

a friend told me, "dont worry about that. NM would never leave you and even if she did, you would be totally fine". on one hand i get it. im strong and independent and *waiving finger in the air* dont need no' man to make me happy. i pretty much majored in feminist discourse so i get it. its not so much that i fear NM leaving or being a single mom... its that i fear losing HER in the process of day-to-day life. like losing who she is. im so afraid that as we inevitably shift and change to accommodate this new path in our life, that we will lose the very things that are so wonderful about us right now.

as i know i have mentioned, i have a history with self injury and have struggled with suicidal thoughts/actions. i have worked SO. FREAKIN. HARD to dig myself out of the depths and work towards a life of meaning, balance, integrity and love. i honestly NEVER thought i would be where i am today and i never dreamed that i would end up in a marriage like the one i have been blessed (in a totally non-christian way, of course *wink*) to have. so i think that maybe whats going on for me right now is that im standing on the edge of be-careful-what-you-wish-for and realizing that with great change also comes great risk.

sometimes i think i must be crazy to be feeling like this. the thing i have wanted for 3 freaking years is finally coming true... why would i be sad about anything?!?! but then i think that maybe this is a great way to enter into a new family dynamic. i want to make sure NM and i are committed to keeping our marriage as the priority and remembering that our relationship was what made this family possible in the first place.

dont get me wrong, im gonna love the shit outta this little dude. and im fully prepared for the fact that the first year will pretty much be non-stop baby. i guess im just trying to say that it is my intention that NM and i remain the strong family unit that we were before he got here. i dont know a better model to show him that love, respect, humor and commitment are possible in a marriage.

*shrug*

in the meantime, ill work to stop crying. lol.

the apprentice

2011-07-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

Written on June 28th, 2011 5:00pm

if all goes according to plan, in exactly 2 months from today.... we will be meeting our new baby. wow, that feels weird to write.

as i wrote about in THIS post, we received notice that our paperwork was due to expire in july and needed to be updated. part of this packet includes the reference forms which need to be filled out by various members of our community. my best friend is one of our references and since she lives out of state, i called and left a message for our new caseworker (who we havent met yet) to see if the forms could be emailed rather than snail-mailed.

so, yesterday we receive an email from the caseworker inviting us to come in and meet her in person and hear about "some new updates". i read the email out loud to NM and immediately said, "what if 'new updates' means that they arent working with gay couples anymore??!!" i was nervous but responded and set a meeting for 9:45 the next morning.

the next morning we get to the agency and were greeted by M2 who you might remember from THIS post. it had been nearly a friggin YEAR since we last saw her, so she hugged us and welcomed us into the conference room. i thought that the crew in the conference room must have been finishing up a meeting or something because there were like 6 people in there, sitting around the table.

they invited us to sit down and i suddenly got VERY nervous. i thought, "omg... they are totally gonna kick us out of the program for being gay!!"

we took our seats at the table and waited for the director of the agency to speak. before she had a chance i said, "man, i feel like im on the apprentice." ... after which, nobody laughed.

there were nervous looks between staff at the table and finally, the director said, "we are really excited to report that we have some good news. a birthmother has chosen you two."

um, WHAT?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

M2 chimed in and told us that birthmom is due to give birth at the end of august (LIKE IN 60 days??!!?) and then asked, "would you like to know what she is having?"

we both responded "YES!!" in unison, without even looking at each other.

"its a boy. congratulations, you are gonna have a baby boy."

she shared that the birthmother was in 2 weeks prior (while we were in vegas!!) and was flipping through portfolios when she got to ours and said, "well, lets see what the girls have to say". M2 said that typically birthmoms skim portfolios but our birthmom took her time reading the details, cover to cover and even after putting ours down to look at others, she kept coming back to the feeling that we were/are the right fit. i totally love that she was deliberate and intentional in her process of choosing... it was really validating and made me feel honored.

im realizing right now that one day, a grown man could be reading this and learning about the day his parents found out he was gonna be their son.

son.

thats still a weird word.

woah.

as you can imagine, its a whirlwind here. we have 8 weeks to prepare and 3 of those weeks we will be traveling out of state. so... FIVE weeks to get ready for a tiny human. since i am not releasing these posts publicly yet, by the time you are reading this, we may have even LESS time. aaaahhh!!!!

pssst.....

2011-07-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

ok, ok... its time for me to "come out" on this blog. about 2 weeks ago, we were called to the adoption agency for a "quick meeting" and found out that we have been selected by a birthmother. aaaahhhh! i have been blogging about the process (and my meltdowns!!) ever since, but havent been able to publish the posts because the news was still top secret. now that most of the people in our lives know... im free to shout it from the rooftops!!

so, here is the first post i wrote- about 2 hours after we found out.

June 28, 2011

*whispering*

we got picked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

more info to come.

Challenge 9, 10 & 12

2011-07-05T15:08:00.000-07:00

challenge 9 - how important you think education is

ok, this is pretty much the dumbest question ever. but... ill play along and answer by saying that as an educator, i believe education is very very very important.

challenge 10 - first 10 songs on shuffle

we have a "family" ipod in our house which NM is mostly in charge of. so, answering this question as it is written would tell you more about NM's music tastes than it would about mine. but again, to play along... if i WERE to have an ipod, and that ipod were switched on "shuffle", im sure the top 10 songs would include bjork, a tribe called quest, adele, rihanna, regina spektor and julieta venegas. im a big fan of lyrics and tend to connect more to the storytelling aspect of music than i do to the musical quality-ness. (clearly, im not a musician). i can typically hear a song once or twice and know most of the lyrics. but ask me to identify which instruments are involved in making a song and i wouldnt have a clue. well, other than the cello and banjo... my 2 favorite instruments.

challenge 12 - five men i find attractive

the hard part about this question is that so much of what makes a person "attractive" to me is their character. what i mean by this is that almost anyone, with the right amount of authenticity and strength of character can be attractive. and on the flip side, even the hottest of all hotties can suddenly lose all their attractiveness when they act like an ass. so, here is my best attempt at answering this question.

*resisting the urge to list marky mark 5 times*

#5 - dhani jones

#4 - jake gyllenhaal

#3 - johnny depp (especially as Roux)

#2 brandon pereyda (from cirque du soleil)

#1 - marky

example #495 of NJ public school education

2011-06-24T11:25:00.000-07:00

NM: babe, its midnight, why are you cleaning the bathroom?
me: because its nasty! there is a little pink ring around the drain in the sink! EW! we are practically curing penicillin in here!
NM: um, penicillin IS a cure.
me: oh.
NM: its a good thing you're pretty.

aaaand, scene.

Contrast: fun with street photography in vegas

2011-06-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

last week i shared THIS post about our recent trip to las vegas. we were there for nearly a week because NM had a conference to attend for work. while she was at the conference, i was left to wander the streets "enjoying" the sights and sounds of vegas. i dont gamble and i pretty much dont drink, so for me vegas was kind of like watching an electrified train wreck.

after the first full day of walking the strip, i began to notice an interesting dynamic present in the tourist culture of vegas. despite the exorbitant resources invested in creating a magical adult-disney-like atmosphere for tourists....everyone around us seemed absolutely miserable. couples fought with one another, women sobbed as husbands/boyfriends/children yelled at them in public, kids whined and cried while parents jerked them to and fro. perhaps it was the heat, or the alcohol, or the pressure to have a "totally vegas" experience. *shrug* whatever it was, it became more and more difficult to not absorb the negative energy around me.

also, i should mention that htis was my first trip to vegas since beginning my current job (im a sexual violence prevention educator and victim advocate). so, it was nearly impossible for me to remove the lens of advocate as i watched men carry intoxicated women to hotel rooms, groups of guys cat calling and groping women around them, public advertisements selling various parts of women's bodies, etc etc etc. *sigh*

the smothering examples of rape culture coupled with the over-the-top displays of forced-fun made it really difficult to relax and enjoy my time in vegas. i felt tense and frustrated and needed desperately to do something with that energy building up inside me. so, i decided to do a photography assignment.

i have recently become reengaged with the art of street photography. if you aren't familiar with street photography i recommend THIS site or THIS site but the basic gist is that street photography aims to tell the story of culture around us...often the ignored/invisible/forgotten parts of society that become so commonplace, we hardly notice they exist.

another great element of street photography is that it is often shot "from the hip", without looking through the viewfinder. so, unlike formal photography where elements like blur and bulls-eye are discouraged, street photography welcomes unorthodox composition so long as it causes a visceral reaction in the viewer.

so, to make a short story long, i spent two days shooting street photography of vegas. i paid attention to what was happening in the backgrounds, behind the scenes, in the directions opposite to where tourists were looking. if hoards of tourists pointed their cameras up, i pointed mine down. if i saw someone taking a photo of a famous attraction, i searched for the keepers and maintainers of those attractions. for any fans of the book Hunger Games, i became katniss everdeen looking for the ripple in the sky of the arena.

i ignored the attention-grabbing flashiness of vegas and instead started tracking service workers, examined the concrete, looked at the colors in discarded rubbish. the more i did this, the more i realized that the real vegas, is actually quite beautiful.

here are some of the photos i shot along with a brief description of what i found compelling about some of them. some shots were composed with the use of the viewfinder, but most were shot from the hip. you can click on the photo to see it in full size. my hope is that these shots tell the story of my time in vegas better than a slide show of postcard-quality images might.

Contrast: 6 days in vegas


Momentary Rest

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Colors on the Strip

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The Eyesore

(this shot was taken while standing in a crowd, waiting to cross the street. people in the group stretched their arms and bent awkwardly, attempting to capture a shot of the bellagio that did not contain this groundskeeper. i happen to think the shot is better with him in it.)

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Fountain Blues

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The Post

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A Superhero's Smoke-Break

(you cant tell from this image but this shot was taken in a small little alcove-of-sorts where the NY, NY casino stores its dumpsters. as one of the few spots with complete shade, it inevitably becomes a smoke-break location for street performers like this red power ranger.
i loved how human he was in this moment.)

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Herds

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Blood Red

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Taking 5

(this shot was taken shortly after noon. i loved the juxtaposition of the activities being done by both people. while the man on the left takes a break from work and pulls an apple out of a plastic bag from home, the woman on the right sits on a bench sorting through the photos on her camera.)

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Self Portrait - Black and White

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12-Hour Shift

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Going Green

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Bellagio Valets

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Bellagio Groundskeeper

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Tattooed

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Bellagio Groundskeeper 2

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Cabs

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Shine

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Ants in the Sky

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Daylight

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Gay Vegas

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Curb

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The Sweeper

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Self Portrait - Girls

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Lost

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Blood Red 2

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Yellows

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Grey

The Sweeper 2

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Beautiful Day Outside

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Free Beer Culture

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Window

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Music

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Invisible Girls Girls Girls

(this was one of many shots that demonstrates the invisibility of the escort promoters who hand out "stripper cards". i have to admit that i wasn't sure how to respond when they offered me cards. it gets pretty ridiculous saying, "no thanks" every 30 seconds so without realizing it, i quickly adopted the i-dont-see-them strategy too. it was amazing and somewhat disturbing how little time it took for me to learn how to completely zone them out... as if entire human beings ceased to exist. *sigh*)

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Colors of Life

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Train Wreck

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While You were Out

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Fixated

(this shot was taken in MGM. these three men were playing the slot machines when a female server began dancing on the bar in the background. i was struck how these men sat at their slot machines, continuing to push buttons and gamble while their eyes remained glued to the woman dancing.)

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Lost 2 - Winter in June

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Invisible Girls Girls Girls 2

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Modifications

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Grey 2

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To Tourists, With Love

how cool!?

2011-06-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

i was contacted recently by someone requesting to use my fun with the 2009 target catalog post for a podcast. i honestly had no idea what the heck that would entail but i said yes and hoped for the best.

today i received THIS link via email and it turns out sage turtle created an audio clip with actors voicing the content from my post. how cool is that?!??!

30 day challenge 6, 7 & 8

2011-06-20T10:16:00.000-07:00

challenge #6: thoughts on mainstream music
eh, its cool. ive never been a huge music aficionado. its not that i dislike music or anything... im just not the wild and crazy music fan that lots of people seem to be. *shrug*

challenge #7: five pet peeves
1- free sample rage (FSR)

picture yourself in the grocery store, minding your own business picking out a bag of chips... when all of a sudden WHAM! you get side swiped by someone's shopping cart and then PINCH! your toes get run over by someone else. you turn around to see an onslaught of carts racing your way ZOOM! SCREETCH! WHIZ! you ask yourself, "what on EARTH could cause such a commotion? is markey mark in the grocery store? perhaps aliens are invading?" and then you see it... the table at the end of the aisle with free samples of popcorn/chips/cliff bars/juice/bagel bites/fritos. FSR in full effect. calm down people, its only a dorito.

2- obligatory hugs under ridiculous circumstances

im not a big hugger. there are like 5 people who make my list of people-i-like-to-hug and those people get hugs quarterly. maybe. only NM gets daily hugs and half the time they are accompanied by a rolling of the eyes. so coming in at #2 on the list of pet peeves is obligatory hugs under ridiculous circumstances. if you're a co-worker/acquaintance/instructor/wife-of-a-co-worker and we run into each other at the gas station/grocery store/restaurant/work parking lot why on EARTH would it make ANY sense for us to hug?

3- people who are rude to service staff

4- words that end in "-ts" or "-ks" but sound like "sss-tss" or "sss-kss"
examples: vests, dusts, tasks, beasts, desks, asks, pests & blasts

5- intentionally misspelled business names

examples: Kum-and-Go, Blu-Ray, Pak-Lite, Kwik Stop, Qwest, Kar Wash

challenge #8 -what i ate today
so far ive eaten an egg and bacon burrito made fresh by NM and a venti coffee. mmm.

viva las vegas

2011-06-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

just got back from vegas, baby!! NM had a conference to attend so i tagged along. we were there for 6 days which i have come to realize is a LONG FRIGGIN TIME to be in vegas. here are some of the very few photo highlights that wont blow our cover. this is an anonymous blog, after all. *wink*

we stayed here:

and spent lots of time watching this:

we gambled a total of $1.00 (which we lost) but i had fun shooting pictures in the casino

the trip included my very first in-and-out burger. the hype is well earned... it was yummy!

we decided, without a doubt, that the next time we come to vegas... we will stay in the cosmopolitan.

its SO tight! the ambiance is retro-chic and the restaurants are beautiful.

we bought some dope art from the artomat vending machine in the lobby. i HEART art-o-mats!

we also checked out the fremont experience which was complete with neon lights, booze and giant beads! giant beads make perfect self-portrait tools.

NM was in her conference sessions for most of the afternoon and since i could only do this for so long...

...i spent lots of time on the streets shooting away with my camera....

...and eating yummy food.

all in all, a great little vacation (and distraction from TTC!).

30-day challenge post #5: things you want to say to an ex

2011-06-08T22:35:00.000-07:00

ive been pretty lucky in the ex department. perhaps its my cancer tendencies but im one of those nostalgic freaks who still keeps in touch with most of my ex lady/man-friends. there is only one ex i can think of who has caused me legitimate harm and that was mostly due to age and immaturity. the rest have been a collection of mostly well intentioned human beings who, like me, were just trying to make it.

so, rather than single out one person, ill generate an anonymous collective list of things that i would want to say to my ex's... some positive and some negative. ill let them try to figure out which statements are directed at them and which statements are reserved exclusively for the immature doucher referenced above.

*clearing my throat*

an open list of things i would want to say to my ex's....

* i stole your sweatshirt.
* thank you for sharing so much of yourself with me.
* i was never very fond of your family.
* i wish you would have spent more time focused on growing yourself.
* im sorry for the times i treated you poorly.
* you were a lousy gift-giver.
* you helped me heal some of the most wounded parts of myself.
* i dont really care about women's basketball.
* im sorry i cheated.
* you pretty much sucked at kissing but you always smelled great.
* you taught me how to trust.
* you taught me to trust nobody.
* you were fantastic in bed.
* i faked it. every time.
* you changed the course of my life.
* i didnt believe you when you said you didnt steal from the mall.
* thank you for never being violent.
* you have an addiction and should seek help.
* your father had an affair with our friend's mother. he asked me to promise that i would never tell you.
* you made me feel young and free.
* you made me feel cheap and worthless.
* you were everything i always thought i wanted, until i had it.
* i knew you were a gay man but i stayed in the relationship because you were the first man to never pressure me for sex.
* i dont like porn.
* my family never liked you.
* i did the best i could at the time.
* rent isnt free.
* what happened to you wasnt your fault.
* you're one of the best human beings i have ever known.
* being a survivor of sexual violence doesnt make you less of a man.
* you should have defended me.
* i miss having you in my life.
* i truly wish you happiness.

30-day challege day 4 - bullet your whole day

2011-06-08T20:42:00.000-07:00

challenge #4- bullet your whole day

6:00 - out of bed
8:00 - open the office
8:05 - check facebook
12:00 - haircut
1:00 -stop at home to let the grrrls out to pee
1:10 - drop off mojito cupcakes for inconsistently the same's bday
1:15 - meeting about a new logo for our office
3:00 - vet appointment (x rays were clean. whew!)
5:00 -pick NM up from work
5:30 - family meeting
6:00 - dinner at 5-guys. mmmm.
7:00 - NM goes back to work. boo.
8:30 - bubble bath
9:00 - check out the new ready made magazine!
10:27- update blog
11:00 - investigation of the crazy hail storm outside (turns out hail hurts. ouch!)
11:30 - try to stay awake long enough to welcome NM home after a VERY long day at work
11:39 - losing the battle....

starting to doze....

zzzzzzz

30-day challenge post #3- books!

2011-06-08T10:16:00.000-07:00

photo credit

challenge #3- book(s) i love

i cant go with just one. its simply not possible. i could probably do a new list of 10 books for each of these 30 days but ill spare you and pick a few of my faves.

1. water for elephants

i read this a few years back and absolutely. loved. every. minute. of. it. its exciting, romantic and includes circus culture. what more could you ask for?? i saw the movie recently and eh... it was ok. it wasnt as good as the book (duh) but i didnt want to set myself on fire while watching it either. if you have only seen the movie, i HIGHLY recommend that you take the time to read the book. its awesome.

2. the hunger games

wow... what a surprise this trilogy was. i picked one up last summer after it was recommended to me by the woman who cuts my hair and OMG... i couldnt put them down. the movie will be out soon so if you havent read the first book yet, walk...nay, RUN... to the store and pick up a copy before your mind is tainted with trailers, commercials and mcdonalds happy meal toys.

the main character is a teenage girl named katnis but they never make her a trite female heroine. she is smart, sassy, intelligent, honest and brave. i alternate between wanting to BE katniss and wanting to raise a daughter like her.

rumor has it collins got the idea for the book while being stuck on the couch for a week with the flu. she watched tons of tv and found herself alternating between reality competition tv (survivor, amazing race) and coverage of the war. she was struck by the fact that both genres included young people who were either competing for money/prizes or putting their lives on the line in war.

i was initially appalled by the book's violence via a fight-to-the-death competition between kids... but upon further reflection, i realized that given the thousands of young men and women who have died fighting the war in iraq/afghanistan... the lines that separate panem (the country in the book) from the USA are much more blurry than i would like to believe. *sigh*

3. a million little pieces

ok, i know, i know.... there was tons of controversy surrounding the validity of this author's memoir. oprah raved about his book, then publicly shamed him and then apologized for publicly shaming him. my 2 cents are that he wrote a memoir which, like ALL memoirs, was BASED on his experience... not a word for word account of it. as a documentary filmmaker, i know that there is no such thing as an objective account of a story...even when the story is our own.

addiction has run rampant through both sides of my family tree (thank god im barren! who wants to pass that shit on?!) so the story was at times difficult to read but so beautifully (and creatively) written.

4. savage inequalities

i read this book for a sociology class in undergrad and
it.
changed.
my.
life. like for reals.

pretty much anything written by kozol is fantastic. he manages to tell other people's stories with dignity, respect and humanity. and although he paints a pretty bleak and infuriating picture of inequality in our society... he manages to do so while also leaving the reader with a sense of hope and motivation to join the fight.

5. inside of a dog

if you are the person of a dog... read this book. horowitz does a great job of describing what its like to be a dog- from the perspective of the dog. after reading this book, i realized that our house must feel like a disco tech for our dogs... complete with flashing lights (dogs see fluorescents as flashing), humming and beeping (alarm clocks, coffee pots and other electronics emit sounds that we cant hear) and overwhelming potpourri smells (goodbye carpet deodorizer!).

perhaps its the effects of a NJ public school education but i found it to be a little too science-heavy for a single read-through. i read it in spurts and enjoyed reading a chapter and then telling everyone i know about what i learned.

5.5 extremely loud and incredibly close

its somewhat risky to include a book in this list that i havent finished yet but im 3/4 of the way through it and LOVE it so far. the main character is a young boy who loses his father in the world trade center on 9/11. after finding a random key in his father's belongings, oskar embarks on a journey to find the lock that belongs to the key.

i love this book so far because it is one of the VERY few examples of a 9/11 story that isnt rooted in trite overly patriotic stereotypes. it also does a beautiful job of using a child narrator without relying on overly simplified storytelling... oskar is as complex a character as most adult protagonists.

30 day challenge #2 - the post where i lose all my straight friends

2011-06-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

30-day challenge #2- something i feel strongly about:

good lord, what DONT i feel strongly about? on a 10 point scale, my reactions/thoughts/feelings about things tend to fall at "0" i-couldnt-care-less-if-i-tried OR "10" this-is-critical-and-potentially-life-altering. there aint no in between. remember the posts about my ex-boyfriend's twins, public displays of pooping, patriarchal standards for toilet sizes and corn-dogging? yeah. i lean towards the dramatic.

i thought about using challenge day #2 as an opportunity to rant about my favorite rantable topics. you know, like:
1. sexual violence
2. our society's refusal to acknowledge sexual violence
3. racism
4. our society's refusal to acknowledge racism
5. thanksgiving
6. our society's refusal to acknowledge the racist roots of thanksgiving
7. the prison industrial complex
8. our society's refusal to acknowledge the racism/classism in the prison industrial complex
9. etc
10. etc.

somehow though, that feels too predictable.

SO i thought i would use this challenge as an opportunity to share something that i feel VERY strongly about... but im not exactly sure HOW i feel about how i feel about it. *scratching my head*

no, im not talking about jean-on-jean combos. we all know that's just sick and wrong.

im talking about....

*drum roll*

hetero marriage.

*sigh*

since i know this to be a touchy subject... i will intersperse lighthearted comics amongst my ranting to help ease the tension.

i feel strongly that heterosexual people should not knowingly accept benefits that aren't afforded to everyone, equally.

now, ill admit right up front that i too have privileges that others dont have. for example, i don't have to worry about where the curb cuts are located, im never followed in stores, i dont get pulled over by police on a regular basis, i own a home, i have internet at my house, both of my parents graduated from high school and college, i have health insurance, etc etc etc.

i also fully admit that i too live with hypocrisy and my actions do not always line up with my values. for example, im a starbucks drinking fiend and i wear nike sneakers. sometimes i even drink starbucks WHILE wearing nike sneakers. eeek!

the point is, i aint perfect.

having said that... i STILL cant help but feel like the marriage issue is different. all of the privileges above are somewhat out of my control. its not like i can force police to pull me over or demand that store clerks follow me around a store. i cant give back my parent's college degrees or any of the privileges that those degrees have in turn given me. but marriage on the other hand... its a privilege that carries with it over 1400 benefits and only SOME people are allowed to sign up for those benefits.

now let me make it perfectly clear that i aint talkin about a wedding. i fully support public displays of commitment. if heteros want to hold a ceremony/party to tell the world that they are officially off the market, more power to em. my discomfort arises when that same hetero couple heads down to the courthouse to sign up for benefits that some people are barred from.

i often make the analogy of first class plane tickets. imagine NM and i heading to the airport to fly someplace and as we get on the plane, the attendant says, "oh, sorry... first class is LEGALLY only for white people." and then... imagine me saying to NM... "well, i really NEED the benefits of first class so ill just see you when the plane lands".

often hetero allies will argue that they "are only getting married because we NEED the tax benefits and/or NEED the health insurance". i even had one ally-friend who said that he NEEDED to get married because his female partner NEEDED the stability and security that comes with marriage rights.

well its a good thing that we dont NEED the tax breaks or health insurance or stability... because we dont have access to it.

meanwhile, we gays are expected to play along in the celebratory madness surrounding hetero marriages. even when those heteros are on their 2nd or 3rd or 4th marriage! we are expected to attend the wedding (typically in a church that on any other day would teach homophobic bible-lies), buy presents and dance the night away. to borrow from the first-class plane tickets analogy... its like me expecting NM to throw me a party, buy me a present and offer a congratulatory champagne toast in honor of my choice to accept the first class seat.

it sometimes seems like heteros dont even think about how it might feel for us to celebrate other people's privilege. or maybe they do think about it but dont know how to talk openly about it. *shrug* all i know is, in all the weddings i have attended... nobody has ever even mentioned it. im not so sure that i would go as far as boycotting hetero weddings or asking heteros to take a no-marriage-challenge ... but i cant ignore the fact that even the idea of talking openly about this makes me feel nervous... like im suggesting that we take away someones birthday or something.

now im not meaning to say, "if WE cant be happy, then NOBODY can!!" because the truth is, i wouldn't trade my illegal second class marriage for ANY of the straight folks i know...even with their fancy benefits. for me the issue isnt

i cant help but believe that if a hetero couple NEEDS the benefits of marriage, but commits to remaining unmarried until all discriminatory legal barriers are removed... they would be more active in the marriage rights movement, know more about the current state of marriage benefits, and be more vocal and outspoken about ending legally sanctioned homophobia.

i said at the beginning of this post that i wasn't exactly sure HOW i felt about this issue that i feel so strongly about. there is a part of me that feels hesitant about posting this as my answer to challenge #2. maybe i should have stuck with something safe like jean-on-jean. who can disagree with that?
but that would defeat the point of blogging. for me, blogging is about growth, expression and self-understanding.

im thinking now that maybe i feel hesitant to share this because i fear that it might hurt my married straight allies. maybe its my internalized homophobia that makes me feel like i should be nice and curb my resentment and frustration. maybe i worry about losing people as i demand the same rights as they have. *shrug*

sometimes i feel like the issue of marriage gets too tied into the hype of weddings so it becomes impossible to critique one without sounding like a hater. so when hetero people around me say "im getting married!!" they tend to have the wedding in mind... the cake, dancing, dresses, music, flowers, etc... but im thinking about health benefits, state-sanctioned validation and the ability to adopt a child together. but the romantic cloud of excitement swallows everything up and makes it nearly impossible to enter into a discussion about their choice to walk to the first class cabin while we are stuck in coach.

i struggle to think of any other privileges that have such clearly bigoted restrictions WRITTEN INTO THE LAW. unlike trying to refuse racial privilege or ability privilege... heterosexuals who choose to get married are knowingly signing a legal contract that only THEY are entitled to. and at the end of the day, i just dont know very many straight allies who are up to date on the issue of marriage equality.

i wish i had a dime for every time a straight person asked me, "how many states recognize gay marriage?". i want to yell... "how about YOU tell ME! it totally FIGURES that you dont know the answer to that question because it has no significance for your daily life. somehow, i bet you would know the answer if your OWN marriage was depending on it."

so, as messed up as it sounds...

i feel strongly that hetero allies would be more invested in the marriage equality movement if they refused to get legally married until everyone has the same rights.

*shrug*

30-day challenge post #1- winning my heart in 5 easy steps

2011-06-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

challenge #1 - 5 ways to win my heart.

at this point in my life it feels kinda weird to write a list of 5 ways to win my heart because the truth is, that pony done already been won. if you wanna win my heart, you just gotta find a magic lamp and wish to come back as NM. its that simple. she had me at hello.

but

since this is a 30 day challenge, ill play along and see what i can come up with.

1. sense of humor- i gotta echo my girl inconsistently the same and say that sense of humor is definitely at the top of the list. beyond simply being funny though, the key to my heart is dry, sarcastic, borderline-inappropriate, biting wit. sorta like the time when NM made a "jersey girls are slutty" joke mid-insemination. or when she told me, "you know, settling for someone has never felt so good". god i love that woman.

2. dont sweat me- as trite as it might seem, im definitely a sucker for the ewww-you-have-cooties approach. while i dont ever want to feel dissed, i totally dig the push and pull of keeping me on my toes. ive never been the type to like being wooed, outwardly adored or followed... it just feels too perpy. so, if you really wanna win my heart, act like you like me... but NOT like your life begins and ends with me. act like YOU have interests and hobbies and thoughts and opinions and desires... beyond the ones that match up perfectly with mine. nothing makes me lace my sneakers faster than clingy uber-dependence. *shiver*

3. be creative and occasionally romantic - im thinking loyd dobler, roux, ronald miller, darius lovehal, andrew paxton kind of romance. one of my favorite movie lines was in stranger than fiction when harrold crick says to ana pascal (a baker)... "i brought you flours". cheesy yet creative. *day dream sigh*

4. have clean hygiene and smell good- this one is so simple and yet so elusive. dirty fingernails* are a total buzz kill. dry heave. (*the only exception to this rule is when said "dirt" is actually related to a job/hobby that requires you to like, use your hands and get dirty. but the ive-been-sitting-in-my-cubicle-for-8-hours kind of dirt is just grody.)

5. good vibrations- i have to include at least ONE thing that doesnt describe NM. otherwise this whole list could just be retitled "things i like about my wife". so, the last key to winning my heart is to actually BE marky mark. backwards cap, 8th grade drakkar cologne and timbs included. *fanning myself* good LORD this man is hot.

peer pressure is a mother-father

2011-06-05T20:56:00.000-07:00

because i love my friends, im gonna buckle down and do my darnedest to successfully participate in this 30-day blog challenge. im not typically one for follow-through or completion-of-projects. im a GREAT starter of things... lousy finisher.

so, ill say upfront that aint no way in HAYell that this will be 30 consecutive days of blogging. more like 30-day-within-365-days-or-less challenge. there, that feels better.

here is the line up....

since misery loves company... feel free to play along!!

and here's a shock...its time to pay more money.

2011-06-05T13:13:00.000-07:00

we received an envelope last week from our adoption agency. upon first glance at the mailing address, i have to admit that the thought, "how strange that they would contact us via snail-mail about a baby" ran through my head. but alas, it turns out they were just sending us a friendly reminder that the "contents of your file are about to reach the one-year expiration date". great, just what i needed. a reminder that another WHOLE year has gone by and nada.

the list of items to be renewed includes:

tax return info

state and federal fingerprints

background checks

dept of human services central registry clearances

letters of recommendation

physicals

house inspection

CPR/First aid

you know, the little things. *choke*

with the exception of the letters of recommendation, all of the above will cost us money. and, i wouldnt be surprised if our friends started charging us a fee for their recommendation services. which honestly, i would understand since it must take a tremendous amount of work to compile a letter of recommendation for me that doesnt include the words "lush", "angry", "psycho-man-hating-lesbian" or "somehow-manages-to-bring-every-conversation-back-to-the-topic-of-sexual-violence-prevention". and while i contend that all of the above are some of my best qualities, i guess the state doesnt want to place a kid with a mom who could be best described as girl-interrupted meets hard-candy. (side note: if you havent seen the film hard candy... you HAVE to check it out!! reason #472 to love ellen page and rape revenge films)

i digress...

we are going to take this "valuable opportunity" to officially change my last name to match NM's. its something i have wanted to do for a while but have been reluctant to start because of the reDONKulous amount of bureaucracy involved. example #8726 of the marriage benefits afforded to heterosexuals.

since i will need to do fingerprints for the adoption agency, we figure we can kill-two-perps-with-one-stone by filing for a name change at the same time. i figure if nothing else, maybe the name change process will give me something to write/rant about on this blog. *fingers crossed*

the call about twins.

2011-06-01T21:08:00.000-07:00

the other morning we were on our way to work when NM's cell phone rang.

NM: "I dont recognize the number."

me: "pick it up, it might be important."

NM: *answers the phone* "hello? yes, this is NM. uh-huh... yeah.... ok. that's AWESOME NEWS!

me: (*thinking* what's awesome news? hm, maybe its about a baby!! nah, that would be silly.)

NM: "wow... what great news. and TWINS?!"

me: (*thinking* omg! its totally the adoption agency!! we have been picked!! we have been picked!! and the birth-mother has twins!! yay!!)

NM: "that's so great! ok, yeah... uh-huh.... um, may 31st? let me think... um, yeah, im pretty sure that will work."

me: (*thinking* may 31st? that's like a week away?! omg! we are gonna be parents in a week!!)

NM: "ok, thanks for the call. ill see you then" *hangs up the phone and continues to drive*

me: "um, what the heck was that all about!??!"

NM: "oh, nothing. my dentist had to move my appointment up to the 31st because his wife is having twins in 2 weeks."

me: *speechless*

aaaand, scene.

tap tap tap ...is this thing on?

2011-06-01T20:46:00.000-07:00

oy. nothing like pms grouchiness to pull me out from this rock ive been hiding under. its been a shameful amount of time since i last posted. not that anyone out there in cyberworld loses sleep over a silent jersey. i mostly feel ashamed because this blog has been such a fantastic coping mechanism for me through this nightmare of years and years and years of TTC, and i feel like ive been letting myself down by not keeping up with it.

sometimes its just hard to feel inspired to write when i think about the fact that the entire crew of folks i began blogging with... all of them... have either had a BFN, adopted or birthed a child by now. it feels like im the only kid in elementary school who didnt go to summer camp and now i get to sit here and hear aaaallll about how awesome macrame class was and how much fun it was to swim in the lake. basically, i feel like the vo-tech stoner loser of my class. *folding arms and pouting*

the truth is, until recently... there hasn't been anything to write about on this blog. we have been going about our normal routine... working, hanging out with friends, drinking adult beverages, fixing up the house, hanging out with other people's kids, drinking adult beverages, seeing lots of movies, drinking adult beverages... basically doing all of the things that we hear get tossed out the window once you have a tiny human screaming in the other room.

i got'sta admit, the yay-we-are-free-from-the-shackles-of-motherhood good times are fun, and for the most part, keep us fulfilled and happy. im reminded everyday that i married THE coolest woman on the planet and find myself pausing at random moments to scratch my head and ask how the hell i managed to pull this whole thing off. we hang out and plan road trips, attend fabulous late-night concerts, try new trendy restaurants... and always, without fail, say at least once, "we TOTALLY couldn't be doing this right now if we had a kid". SCORE!

and then there are those moments... when we see a cute family in the grocery store or we look back at journal entries or insemination-day photos, that i feel the ache in my heart. i sometimes feel like NM and i are on pause, our family in limbo as we wait and wait and wait for the next phase of our life to begin. its not that we are "incomplete" without a baby... that's not at all what i mean. i really believe that had we decided against having kids, we would have lived a full and happy life together...complete in all its glory with just the two of us.

the problem though is that we haven't decided against kids. 4 years ago we sat down and pictured our immediate and long term future and decided then and there that the picture would be WAY cooler if it included at least one tiny human to corrupt. and so the TTC journey began.

sometimes i use this blog as a way to measure time. i look back at the dates of my early posts and think, "wow... its been 2 years and 8 months." or "3 years already?? that's such a long time to wait." i sometimes picture our three-year-old-imaginary-child and wonder what she/he would be doing right now while i write this silly blog.

but then today, while skimming the dates of my early posts, i actually paused long enough to click on one. and um, holy shit. as i read the post i realized that i started writing this blog ONE YEAR into our attempts at pregnancy! my three-year-old-imaginary-child just aged a year in one click of the mouse.

i wont get all Rent-The-Musical on you by counting how many minutes there are in a year... but trust me, its a lot. add four of those years together and holy crap, we have been waiting for a long time.

i often hear people say while *bouncing their free baby on their hip* "oh, just enjooooy your time alone now while you can. this little one keeps us soooo busy!" and most of the time i just want to punch them in the neck. riiiight lady. the problem here is that NM and i aren't "enjoying" the 4-year suspense roller coaster enough. *rolling my eyes*

i feel like NM and i agonized over whether we should enter the baby race to begin with and once we finally decided to compete and laced up our sneakers and found our spot at the starting line and waited for the gun to fire.... *boom!* off everyone else went without us. and here we sit, still at the starting line, watching competitor after competitor lap us (some for the second time!).

and sure, i suppose we could take the advice of the young parents in our life to "enjoy the time you have alone while you can". but really, how much fun can you have while sitting at the friggin starting line for 4 years?! its like sitting in the waiting room OF YOUR LIFE!

again, let me reassure all the feminist readers out there that im not suggesting our lives are incomplete without a baby. its more about the fact that the things we want to do as a family include kids. and we cant just live the life that doesn't involve kids because that would require that we actually SPEND MONEY on things like airline tickets and new cars or a fancy new flat in the heart of london!

this living in limbo thing is terrible and only made worse by the "live in the moment" breeder mumbo-jumbo we hear all the time. like what am i supposed to do, "enjoy the time alone" by moving abroad? joining the circus? going to vet school? (all things i would do in a life-with-no-kids).

when parents around us swash their wrist and say "oh just live in the moment" i want to yell-
EASY FOR YOU TO SAY! youre not the one who will have to explain this to a kid one day! i can picture it now, "gee, im sorry little jersey. we would have had money to send you to college but the thing is, you cost like TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS to adopt and then there was that whole live-in-the-moment circus stint that your mom and i had while we were 'living in the moment' waiting for you...*day dream sigh*... oh that circus was sure fun. anywho, the point is, we are a little drained on funds. sorry. *pat on the head*

oy. i swear. this pms is killing me.

thoughts on ego and guilt

2010-11-24T11:51:00.000-08:00

we have officially been initiated into the omg-the-adoption-agency-called/emailed-with-a-potential-placement club. almost every adoptive family has an example of the first time they received a call/email from the agency that ended up not being what they thought it would be.

yesterday NM and i received an email titled "potential placement". the excitement rushed through my veins as i read the email. ill cut to the chase and say up front that its not the right placement for us. boo hoo. the email however is still sitting with me for lots of reasons.

the story of this placement includes 3 kids.... a 10 year old boy, an 8 year old girl and a 4 year old girl. the agency is looking to place all three kids in the same home and is hoping to avoid multiple placements (meaning that they want to find someone to fully adopt all three, not a foster situation). all three of the children are survivors of sexual abuse and the youngest was born addicted to drugs/alcohol.

NM and i immediately thought, "um, going from zero to three high-needs kids?!? hell no!" and then, there we were, 5 minutes later, driving for hot wings and having a somewhat serious conversation about it. and by "conversation" i mean that we were both staring out the car window exchanging random sentences.

"omg, that would be bananas"
"three kids? i wouldn't even know where to start!"
"the sexual abuse is concerning. especially given that the boy is the oldest. he would need intense therapy"
"i feel like the work we both do could provide us with the necessary skills to handle this situation"
"i don't feel like i know enough about child development to like, start off with non-newborns. like, if you have a baby you get to watch them develop in stages...first they learn to talk, then they learn to count, then to read, ect. but with this situation its like, blamo! a 4 year old. like do they even know their colors at that age??"
"i wish the boy was the youngest. i would feel better about the possibility of taking them, and the possibility of his recovery, if he wasn't the oldest"
"i wonder what the rest of the story is"
"id feel better if it was only two kids. but three?"

and on, and on....

in the end, we have decided that this isn't for us. its not the right timing, or situation. whats bananas (apparently "bananas" is my word of the day, sorry.) is how guilty im feeling about saying no. its like i have this scholarship to give away and im determining who gets to have it. yuck.

up until this point, so much of the focus has been on whether or not other people would pick us... the adoption agency, the social workers, the birth parents, etc. for 2 years we have been the ones up for evaluation. from laboring over our portfolio in the hopes that it would "get us picked"... to reading as many books/stories as we could in the hopes of learning about how birthmoms decide "who to pick"... its been nonstop marketing and selling of ourselves. yesterdays email put us, for the first time, in the position of the "picker". (ew, that sounds kinda gross. sorry again.)

and..... (warning: this next part is gonna come off sounding totally arrogant but i trust that my fellow TTC bloggers will understand what i mean)..... i think about these kids, and what they have been through in their short lives and i cant help but feel like they deserve us. they deserve the great home that we would no doubt provide. its not that i think other adoptive families suck... its just that i really really really believe that we will be the. best. parents. ever. (and yes, i realize that by writing that sentence i have now probably destined our child to a life of crime, addiction and self injury. stupid karma.)

i guess what im meaning to say is that the TTC process has a way of making couples develop an ego about what great parents we will be. if i had a dime for every time i asked the question..... "why would god choose to give (insert the name of unplanned pregnancy) a baby when we would be such great parents?!!?"... i would probably have enough money to cover invitro. as infertiles, we spend HOURS day dreaming, talking and planning our life with kids. so its easy to get caught up in that and feel like any kid would practically win the parent-lottery if they get to live with us.

i recently watched an episode of the dog whisperer where this super aggressive (read: misunderstood) pitbull was about to be put to sleep when cesar decided to adopt him. if you dont watch the show this analogy will be lost on you but dog whisperer fans will know that this dog was probably like... OHMYGOD! i get to live with THE cesar millan??!! SCORE!!

that's how i feel when i think about NM and i as parents.

so along comes this email... with this sad story about these kids who have experienced pain and violation... and here i sit feeling like shit about not taking them. how are we supposed to feel ok about saying, "nah, we will pass" when we have wanted a kid for so long? *sigh* and its especially hard given the work that i do around sexual violence. i mean at the very least we can guarantee with 100% accuracy that these kids will never ever be sexually abused by their parents. isn't that the least they deserve? *sigh*

and then i get concerned because we fight so hard against the "savior" narrative that surrounds adoption. like adoptive parents are some friggin heroes because we are "saving" babies from "terrible" (read: poverty) situations. (more on this later in the positive adoption language post) yuck. its gross and very easy to be sucked into that with situations like these.

the truth is that any family would be lucky to have these three kids. and i believe that there will be another family with the financial resources to better support them in their recovery and growth. a 10 year old male survivor of sexual abuse needs almost constant supervision and a shit-ton of therapy. im hopeful that whatever family is lucky enough to have them will provide them with the love and stability that they deserve.

the other thing that is sticking with me is the timing of this email. here we are planning for holiday travel and day dreaming of holiday joy.... and at the same time, in our own community, there are three little humans whose future is weighing on an email sent out to strangers. when these kids grow up and tell the story of their lives, they will say "and then in november of 2010, a caseworker sent out an email trying to find me and my siblings a family". very humbling and reason to give thanks for all that we have.

jesus loves chode

2010-11-08T23:03:00.000-08:00

once upon a time there was a small city nestled in the mountains. in this small city there lived a big corporate-style-conglomerate church called the Church of Hypocrisy, Oppression, Damnation and Exclusion (aka: CHODE). the members of CHODE spent all day and night praying for the elimination of evil things like world peace, people of color, premarital sex and a women's right to choose. above all else though, CHODE prayed day and night for the elimination of the world's biggest evil-doers.....

*drum roll*

... the queers. *gasp!*

CHODE was SO committed to eliminating the queers that they even offered free classes to help former queers stay on the straight-and-narrow (pun intended) path of righteousness that only a true (read: money-donating) christian can enjoy.

what, you might be asking, does this story have to do with a TTC blog??

well, much to my dismay, two... count them TWO... of the four couples in our recent adoption class were card-carrying, flag-waiving members of CHODE. and, to make matters worse... one of the couples is actually a friggin PASTOR at CHODE (and when i say "one of the couples" im clearly referring to the husband. lord knows that the little lady aint allowed to preach-tha-good-word while owning a menstruating vagina).

you can imagine my face when the cheery introduction round started off like this...

caseworker: ok everyone... lets start the session off by learning a little bit about each other. please share your name, hobbies, how far along you are in the adoption process and what brings you to this class today. how about we start with the couple to my right?

barbie and ken couple to the caseworker's right: hi, my name is ken and this is my wife barbie. i am a pastor at CHODE and my wife is a barefoot stay at home mom to our three beautiful children who were conceived with out a problem, for free and only AFTER we were legally married. we dont have fertility issues like you barren freaks and are only here because we hope to become foster parents. we have tried to be cordial and respectful to the other two couples in this room who dont attend CHODE... but only because we are secretly praying for your souls and for the souls of your future children as they attempt to navigate a life that will no doubt be misguided by your sinful ways."

aaaand, scene.

*deep breath*

fine, ill admit it. the above might be a teensy weensy bit of an exaggeration... but its pretty damn close to what i heard them say. naturally, im still processing (read: reeling in anger) from the experience so i will stop here, breathe into a brown paper bag and try a new post that contains highlights from the class with (slightly) less sarcasm. all in all, it was actually a pretty good class and well worth our time. details to come soon.

in the meantime, let go and let god.

*dry heave*

thoughts on approval, warren g and brass knuckles

2010-10-15T11:55:00.000-07:00

we had a meeting with our adoption agency this morning to finalize some paperwork and hand in four copies of our portfolio. M1 was home sick for the day so we met with the Executive Director of the organization (we will call her Ed) who was actually the person we met with waaaay back in the day for our first initial info session. Ed is super cool too... a little intense and kind of aggressive... but still real cool.

she gave us a copy of our "evaluation" to review and a red pen to mark corrections or errors. the "evaluation" is basically a summary of the home study and personal interviews that we have done. the caseworkers then issue scores in various categories and if your score falls in an acceptable range, you are officially licenced, approved and given the "ok" to adopt.

the scores for each section run from 0 to 5... zero meaning "not an issue at all, totally acceptable" and five meaning "these people should probably seek counseling from a professional in this area". the caseworkers provide a narrative paragraph with an assessment of us in each area and then there is a final score sheet attached to the end. the score sheet looks kinda like this:

relationship to extended family = 1
work ethic = 2
safety of the home environment = 1
likelihood that they would accidentally leave the kid at a bowling alley = 4
likelihood that jersey will end up in a fist fight with a kid's teacher = 5

our scores were mostly 2's with an occasional 3 thrown in there for good measure. most of our "3"s had to do with things that we have no control over... alcoholic dad, past trauma, health issues... and it sounds like 2's and 3's are the standard scores... but it can still feel strange to not see all zeros. i mean after all, we are pretty damn close to perfect. *poppin my collar, cough*

there was one category in my review that received a 5 but since it was tied to past trauma.... and since i have done tons of healing and therapy about it... and since my current full time job includes working with survivors... the caseworkers "mitigated" the score down to 2. i was happy to read the part about mitigation but definitely had a moment while we were reviewing the narrative part where i felt like damaged goods. this is pretty common for survivors to feel so i'm pretty used to coaching myself out of the negative self-talk... but still it was hard to see on paper.

also, i couldn't help but feel angry that most of the areas where we received a "3" were areas that involved men. i'm not meaning to sound all man-hating-lesbian (the truth is i'm neither a man-hater or a lesbian)... i just got frustrated to see that my "score" is influenced by the unethical, irresponsible and criminal behavior of men in my life. grr.

anywho... i digress...

all in all... the caseworkers had really great things to say about us both individually and as a family. i was also happy that they only mentioned the gay thing ONCE in the entire report and it was only when talking about the ways that we could support a child who might experience feeling "different". i have been pleasantly surprised with how cool our agency has been when dealing with the whole homo issue.

we were left alone in a conference room to read through the report and i'm sure the people in the adjacent rooms were wondering what we were giggling about. it was just so weird to read other people's clinical assessment of you, your family, your marriage, your home, your dogs, your job and your general personality. i'm pretty sure that M2 wrote my evaluation because she referred to me as "kind", "peaceful" and "gentle" which actually kind of pissed me off given my jersey roots.

ME: omg... she said i'm "gentle"! WTF?
NM: so what?
ME: what?! i'm not gentle! GOD! she makes me sound like warren g!
NM: wait, what?
ME: warren g. regulate. you know, the song.
NM: yes, i know the song. i just don't know what the hell you are talking about.
ME: oh come on... its common knowledge that warren g is a punk bitch. that entire song is about how he got jumped and had to call his friend to come save his ass.
NM: wow. that's an interesting interpretation coming from an educator in the field of gender socialization.
ME: shut up! its true!
NM: well, i'm sure that given the fact that you chose to roll up to the adoption agency today wearing your BRASS KNUCKLES NECKLACE-CHARM, your reputation is intact. not sure about our status as potential adoptive parents though.
ME: puh-leeze! they should count this necklace as a bonus! who in their right mind would want to give a baby to punk ass warren g!
NM: i cant believe i married you.

aaaand scene.

the moral of the story is..... *drum roll*............. let the waiting begin!!!

snookie + bjork = Jersey as a mom.

2010-10-12T20:39:00.000-07:00

houston, we have take off...

NM and i met with M1 last week and handed in a draft of our portfolio. on first glance, it seemed that she liked it. at the very least, it didn't make her decide to kick us out of the program so that has to count for something.

we sent a pdf of all 13 pages to various peeps in our world... mom, sister, besties, bff's, etc.... and got lots of awesome and valuable feedback. for folks who are about to start creating a portfolio, i highly recommend that you seek as much feedback as folks are willing to give. after many hours of edits, we have a somewhat finalized version that we plan to hand in on friday.

M1 told us that the average potential birthmom will look at each portfolio for 10-15 seconds before placing it in the aint-no-way-in-hay'el-that-im-givin-my-baby-to-these-people pile or the maybe pile. so, she recommended that we use bold or italics to make some of our key words stand out.

personally, i plan to highlight words like "jersey", "bjork", and "snookie" (yes, all three of those words made their way into our portfolio). while NM will most likely choose sensible words like "loving", "stable" and "responsible". snooze. example #485 that first-born-children are WAY less exciting than we babies-of-the-family.

the post where i whine about making a portfolio

2010-09-08T14:36:00.000-07:00

update: NM and i have cleared all of the hurdles for adoption and now only have two... count em, TWO things on our to-do list. first, we need to get our shots finalized. im still not too clear on why they need to know my hepatitis status. would they not allow us to adopt if it turned out that we were positive?? if so, i thank my lucky stars again that the crack head nurse didn't give me hep. (btw...she is currently doing like 20 years in jail!)

the other remaining item on our to-do list is the portfolio. *deep sigh* what a monumental task this has turned out to be. *wiping my brow*

i remember in our veeery first adoption meeting like 2 years ago, we were told that we would "get the opportunity to make a portfolio" that included details about our family, home, hobbies, values, etc. this portfolio would then be shown to potential birth-parents as they (typically she, but sometimes they) try to select adoptive parents. being the total craft freaks that we are, NM and i immediately got SO excited about making the portfolio. my little artist brain started thinking about all of the potential formats, colors, fonts and photos that we would use. i couldn't WAIT until we got the green light to go ahead and start making it.

until

we actually got the green light to start making it.

suddenly "get the opportunity to make a portfolio" felt more like "have to force yourself to sit down and make a portfolio whether you like it or not".

im not sure if this sudden aversion to making a portfolio is common with other adoptive parents but i just cant get past how unexpected this feels for me. and lets not even talk about the process of writing a letter to the potential birth-parent. fu'getabowtit.

in our defense, i should admit that we are more than half way through the portfolio. i feel like the further we get into the process though, the more final the decision feels. at first, playing with colors is just that... playing with colors. now, choosing a color means that we we will FOREVER have a (insert color) portfolio. which isn't that big of a deal until you think of yourself as a person who is choosing someone to like, RAISE YOUR BABY and you open the binder to see that they selected (insert your least favorite color in the world) as their main color!! aaaahhhh!!

*deep breath*

the pressure to please is overwhelming but NM and i have tried to just keep an open mind and remember that at some point this part of the process will be in the past and ill most likely be sleep deprived and kicking myself for whining about how hard it was to make a portfolio.

*fingers crossed that a birth-mom likes the color chartreuse!*

(just kidding. we didn't pick chartreuse)

"i love gay people but...."

2010-09-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

sometimes i day dream. i think about what it would be like to live in a world where i could do the simiple things that i took for granted when i was dating men. things like kissing while standing in line at the movies or holding hands when walking through the mall. i day dream about feeling safe going to my high school reunion with my partner and checking into hotels without having to deal with the "oh, im sorry... it looks like we accidentially gave you a room with only one bed" scenario.

sometimes i get real life glimpses of what it would feel like to live in a country where being gay was normal. a random brochure that includes the word "partner"... or an advertisement that contains two people of the same gender doing mundane things together (not to be confused with heteronormative commercials with people of the same gender doing things like eating yogurt or watching football while talking about the opposite gender).

i logged on to yahoo recently and saw that doogie howser md (neil patrick harris) is expecting twins with his partner. i felt so excited that there would be a front page story about a gay couple doing something so normal. i couldnt help but feel like i should be waiting for the punchline, the reason why they would have written an entire article about him. i thought... maybe it will refer to some law that is up for debate... or maybe some psychologist will weigh in with their opinion about the... *deep doctor voice*... "impact on the children"... or maybe the surrogate is somehow tied to a royal family... or... or... or...

but after reading the article i realized that there was no big political agenda. it was just an actor having a kid with the person he loves who also happens to be a dude. *shrug* no big fuss. i felt myself smile because it was a glimpse into the future when being gay...*brittney spears voice*.... aint gonna be no big thang, yall.

but then....

dun
dun
dun

i read the comments.

*heavy sigh*

now anyone who reads online articles knows that the "comments" section is typically a no-mans land filled with the dregs of society who commonly spew hate under anonymous names like "freedom lover" or "patriot". *rolling my eyes* 10 times out of 10, anyone who lives in reality knows to not take these folks seriously.

but as i read through the comments, i was so struck by how... well, how normal.... these people seemed. lots of the comments came from folks with actual profile pictures next to their names. and although there were the predictable homophobic comments like "they just want to have a baby so they can stick the pacifier up their ass"....hardy har har... gay men like to stick things up their butts... how funny.... thank you for the 1980's gay bashing joke.

i digress...

although there were a handful of truly hateful comments, many of the comments were from regular 'ol folk who said things like "i love gay people...." or "i have gay friends..." or "my sister/brother/uncle/cousin is gay and i love him/her...". i was overwhelmed how many comments indicated a personal connection with a gay person and then followed with... "BUT"

".... i feel bad for these kids" or "....i dont think they should be allowed to have kids" or "...they shouldnt put kids through the pain"

*sigh*

it felt like a blow to my gut. i just couldnt believe that such "normal" people were so damn homophobic.

anywhoo.. the point of this post is three fold. 1. congrats to doogie. 2. dont read comments after articles and 3. homophobia sucks.

reason #485 why homophobia sucks

2010-07-08T13:12:00.000-07:00

i dont think anyone has ever accused me of being shy or timid. like, ever. blame it on my years as a cheerleader, blame it on growing up jersey, blame it on being raised by a feminist... i have always sorta put my shit out there and if people had a problem with it, then well... that was their problem.

in high school i dated a man of color for over 4 years (no, i wasn't in high school for more than 4 years. we dated before high school and into college.) and i remember there being times when we would be at the mall holding hands or kissing in public and people (mostly white) would stare and point and glare at us in disapproval. reactions like that would irritate me...anger me... sadden me... but never make me change my behavior.

the other morning i was dropping NM off early on campus for a trip she was taking with students. we were in a loading zone and as we went to say goodbye we looked out the window and saw two dudes in a van facing us, watching. i said, "they are watching, we shouldn't kiss". she replied, "duh." so, much like our goodbyes at airports or in other very public settings, we opted for the "they might be close friends and maybe even sisters but they definitely dont do it to each other" goodbye hug.

although this isnt the first time that we have chosen this option, this most recent occurrence has stuck with me. i haven't ever been a big fan of PDA... even when i have been in a socially acceptable hetero union... so its not like i would ever be the type to have a full fledged make out session at an airport while saying goodbye. but there is something interesting to me about the fact that someone (me) who has never hidden any part of myself to the outside world is suddenly living a life where i feel unsafe expressing physical love to my own wife.

*grrr*

remember that one time when i called our caseworker a racist missionary?

2010-07-02T11:38:00.000-07:00

part of the unexpected beauty of this adoption process is that M1 (our caseworker) has us on the fast track towards getting adoption ready. in less than 14 days we got the "you're off the waiting list for the waiting list!"-call, completed 4 interviews, got fingerprinted, filled out a mountain of paperwork, scrounged up $4000 (thanks to our fabulous family and friends!!) and completed our home visit. *wiping my brow* whew... i'm tired!

the good part about moving at warp speed is that we don't have much time to process (read: freak out). we had less than 48 hours notice before our home visit and about 40 of those 48 hours NM and i had already committed to work and other commitments. we explained to M & M* that we are in the process of a major bathroom remodel so our house is a bit of a disaster. they both said not to worry and thanks to our busy schedules, we didn't have much time to!

in many ways, the home study was kinda anti-climactic. they didn't dig through our closets or snoop under our beds. we gave them a tour of the place and had i not known better, it might have been easy to mistake them for potential renters or something.

after the tour we sat down at the dining room table to finish up our interview questions. this round of questions was a little bit more challenging than the previous interviews because in previous interviews we were answering questions about actual events/memories from the past... about our childhoods... about the members of our families, etc. the home study round of questions was more philosophical in nature... more of "what would you do if...." kinds of topics.

there were lots of questions about parenting styles and strategies... "how will you discipline?", "what methods of reward will you use?". although i felt totally confident in our answers, it was a little strange to be answering questions about parenting strategies without first having the chance to talk about it with NM.

at one point M asked, "how would you respond if your child yelled 'youre not my real mother!' during an argument?". NM and i both resisted the urge to respond, "i would yell back... 'oh yeah?! well you're not my real kid!!'" (sarcasm) and instead gave a heartwarming and thoughtful response that M & M seemed to like.

towards the end we got to the point where we had to indicate which type of child we were "open" to adopting...
M&M: are you open to adopting a child who is born with drugs in their system?
NM & NJ: yup.

M&M: a child who comes from a birth mother who drank during the pregnancy?
NM & NJ: yup.

M&M: a child who is born HIV positive?
NM & NJ: yup.

M&M: a child who is born with ambiguous genitalia?
NJ: wait, what? that's for real something that people would say no to???
M&M: sometimes, yes.
NJ: that's ridiculous.
NM: if it were up to jersey we would put "tranny" down as our first preference in a kid. she likes the trannies.
NJ: *glare that says... did-you-just-say-"trannies"-to-our-christian-caseworker??*
M&M: so that's a yes, then? it wouldn't be a problem?
NM & NJ: yes, we would welcome a baby no matter what their downstairs might look like.

M&M: are you open to any race or ethnicity?
NM & NJ: yes.
NJ: we would never refuse a baby based on race. having said that.... we would prefer to adopt a baby that shares at least one of our racial identities... so a latino/a or white baby would be ideal. i struggle with the idea of adopting a black or asian child because neither of us have any idea what its like to have that identity. and although we have a network of friends/family that would be great role models for black or asian children, none of those folks live here in our state. so... i worry about being able to support them in the ways that they might need.
M&M: that makes sense.
NJ: having said all of that...i should also mention that its not like we would be unequipped to raise a black or asian child. we both teach for ethnic studies and are very active in racially based social justice movements so we talk about race ALL THE TIME. i mean, its not like i would be one of those crazy white people who go to haiti and adopt a black baby and say "oh, i don't see color".
M&M: sounds good.

(fast forward 20 minutes when M&M have wrapped up the interview and have walked out the door after saying goodbye)

NM: *closing the door after M&M have walked out* "nice haiti comment"
NJ: what??
NM: SHE IS GOING TO HAITI NEXT WEEK!!!
NJ: oops.
NM: real nice. insult our caseworker.
NJ: well maybe she needed to hear it. *folding arms*

aaand scene.

M1 told us that barring any glaring issues on our background checks, we are all set! she said "i dont have a single red flag about either of you" and i couldn't help but smile. she suggested that we get moving on the creation of our portfolio and letter to the birth mother. since that is the exact type of project that could land NM and i in divorce court, we are welcoming the 3 weeks we have to create it. M1 will be in haiti so we dont need to have it completed until she returns -hopefully without a haitian baby.

i have done some initial internet digging for suggestions about portfolios and letters but we welcome any advice that you all might have!!

*note: our caseworker "M1" has another new-caseworker "M2" shadowing our process. M2 doesn't make any decisions about our case but will be along for the ride. i totally dig both of them.

let go and let god.

2010-07-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

we had our home visit last week and other than totally insulting our caseworker (more on that in a later post)... it went really well.

as someone who has always had a strange fascination (read: borderline obsession) with the idea of going to rehab, i have to admit that i totally love the fact that i have a "caseworker". it makes me feel all girl-interrupted and whatnot. our caseworker (we will call her M) is super nice and seems to really like us. she graduated from the same college that NM and i teach at and although she is really young, she seems like she knows what she is doing. (not that i have anything against young folks, but for $18,000... i want someone who isnt gonna screw anything up!)

my only initial concern about M is that she is christian. not the i-have-a-private-relationship-with-god kind of christian but rather the i-will-affix-a-crucifix-to-anything-that-will-stand-still-long-enough kind of christian. she has handwritten post-it-note bible quotes framing her computer screen and at least 2 trinkets emblazoned with the words "hope" (christian speak for god-hates-fags) and "faith" (christian speak for dirty-gays-should-burn-in-hell)

dont get me wrong.... its not that i have anything against christians, per say. i mean other than the whole "we believe you are the devil and should be wiped from the face of this earth so that you wont molest our children" thing... they seem like nice enough people. but this is our adoption caseworker... the person who gets to ask us deeply personal questions and ultimately make a final decision about whether or not we can receive a baby. so forgive (christian speak for we-know-that-our-priest-molested-you-but-god-doesnt-like-people-who-hold-grudges) me if im a little apprehensive about her blatant display of faith. every time we go to the office she offers us a glass of "water". im convinced this is her attempt to get me to ingest holy-water and in turn either straighten-up or die. as you can imagine, NM thinks im overreacting but it seems suspicious enough to me.

anywhoo... there have been lots of questions throughout the 4 interviews that have touched on the idea of faith/god/will-you-raise-the-kid-in-a-way-that-will-get-them-into-heaven-or-hell? but each time i answer, i dont feel any sense of judgement or negative energy from M. maybe, just maybe, she is one of the tiny handful of non-judgemental christians who, like log cabin republicans... comes from the mythical world known as oxymoron land.

thoughts on god

2010-07-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

as a young child i remember asking my mom "what happens when we die?". as many young children often do, i was seeking more than simply an answer to the direct question at hand... i wanted to know the meaning of life...i wanted to know the point of existing...i wanted to know that i was connected to something bigger than myself.

my mom, with all her motherly wisdom responded: "when we die, we get buried in the ground and our bodies decompose".

aaand scene.

im almost in my mid 30's and im still seeking an answer to the same question. the older i get, the more i appreciate my mother's answer to the question because as a result she has allowed me to continue to ask and pursue an answer that fits for me, regardless of the perspective that other (read: christians) try to sell me.
im writing about this today because i have come to the understanding that god does exist... and god's universe is a giant snow globe of sorts in which we are characters playing out our individual lives. further, when god is feeling overwhelmed or bored , she/he/ze enjoys grabbing the snow globe and giving it a good shake just to watch as we scramble to pick up the pieces.

i believe that god is currently sitting in a lazy-boy, sippin a beer and eatin cheetos as she/he/ze watches us manage a major bathroom remodel, ridiculous work schedules and a home visit from our caseworker!! aaah! im so nervous!

think they will give a baby to people with a bathroom that looks like THIS?!?!

aaaallll aboard... next stop, adoption town!

2010-06-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

ok... i'll admit it, my last post was a wee-bit on the woe-is-me side. i neglected to mention that we are in the middle of remodeling our bathroom so i have been "showering" (i use that term loosely) out of the kitchen sink for far too long. its making me a tad edgy. not to mention that we have been searching for a new toilet for like 2 months and cant seem to find one that wont require us to buy a step stool to climb on the damn thing!!

*stepping onto my soapbox*

if you have had the fortune of shopping for a toilet lately you might have noticed that almost every single one brags about being "comfort height". "comfort height" typically means that it is "chair height" or between 16 and 19 inches off the ground. naturally, since the average US woman is around 5 feet 4 inches tall, this whole "comfort height" business is little more than a tool of patriarchy. when MOST american women sit on a 17 inch toilet, their feet will barely touch the floor. now i aint no scientist but last time i checked, this position isnt exactly optimal deuce-dropping position. in fact, i think that "feet off the ground" comes in second only to "pooping while standing on your head". so, you can imagine my face when the agents-of-plumbing-patriarchy (aka homes depots workers) try to convince us to buy a "comfort height" toilet. if it wasnt for the hot dog stand outside in the parking lot, i might not have the strength to refrain from clawing their face off. i mean GOD FORBID men have to squat a little in order to sit on a lower toilet. *deep breath*

*stepping off the soapbox*

anywhoo... the point is that this whole bathroom remodel has diminished my level of patience. a few nights of sleep and a few really good conversations later, im feeling much better. and much more hopeful and much more excited.

cliff notes version: NM and i have decide to move forward with adoption. after 2 generous donations/loans from my mom and from 2 dear friends in town... we have the necessary funds to start our process. i would love to spend some time processing my feelings about the donations but i still cant really wrap my mind around it all without crying so ill wait for another post to address how amazing our friends and family are. seriously. i know you might think that your friends and family rock... but let me set the record straight and say that our community could TOTALLY kick your community's ass!

(it is now dawning on me that hyper-competition and threats of ass-kicking aren't really in line with the whole "community" spirit. im from jersey so aggression is our default love language. im learning and im sure your community is cool too.)

i digress...

the point is that we are back on the adoption train and the next stop is my first individual interview tomorrow morning. *fingers crossed* that i dont manage to find a way to get us kicked out of the agency. as long as she doesn't bring up "comfort height" toilets... i should be fine.

jump on board the roller coaster

2010-06-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

i was sitting in a meeting today when the caller id on my phone lit up... "Call from: Adoption Dreams". needless to say, my mind began to race.... omg... the adoption agency is calling me... i wonder what they want... maybe they have a baby for us!!!... wait, that makes no sense. we arent even on the active list yet... oh! maybe they are ready to make us active!!.... what if they dont leave a message?.... maybe i should answer, like right now in the middle of this meeting.... no, that would be weird. ill wait. *tapping my fingernails on the desk* hurry up and stop talking.... i have a phone call to make!

aaand scene.

i went to NM's office and listened to the voicemail. it was a woman who we shall call M. she introduced herself as our "new caseworker" and i felt myself get excited. a caseworker?? ive never had one of those!

we called M back and she explained that we had reached the top of the waiting list and could now begin the process of becoming an active couple. yay!! the call that we have been waiting for!! she said we could swing by and pick up some papers and chat in person. we hopped in the car and drove right over!

M was very nice and walked us through a refresher of the process. she handed us a gigantic stack of papers to fill out and told us that the next steps include:
getting fingerprinted
submitting our tax returns
filling out personal paperwork
finding references
booking individual and a couple's interview

i was so excited in the meeting i could hardly keep it together. in a way it felt so surreal to actually be at this point. although i still really struggle with the idea that i might never get to experience pregnancy, above all else, i want to be a parent with NM. if adoption is the best option then im on board! she said that she would love to get us through the screening process in the next 4 weeks so that she could then start showing our portfolio to birth-moms. she pulled up her calendar and said that she is free this week to start the individual interviews. omg... can this be real!?

and then....

i asked about payment and fees.

*heavy sigh* i shoulda kept my mouth shut and simply enjoyed the moment.

she pulled out a list of fees and highlighted the ones that would need to be paid up front... as in, before we have our individual meeting ... as in, this week.

$500
$3500

holy shit.. thats like $4000! thank goodness for credit cards!

the rest of the fees add up to a little over $16,000 but can be paid once we are selected by a birth-mom. i took a sigh of relief and figured that we would just figure out a way to put the $3000 on a credit card and figure the rest out later.

me: "so this might be a silly question but... you take credit cards, right?"
M: "um, no. we only take checks."
me: "*forced smile* oh, ok... no problem. we just wanted to double check"
WHAT?! let me get this straight... we are gonna have to come up with $4,000 CASH in a week and $16,000 in a year?! thats impossible! im a sexual assault education coordinator for gods sake!

NM and i walked out to the parking lot and tried to process what just happened. i fought back tears and felt angry at myself for feeling hopeful. dont get me wrong, im not saying that we are poor or unable to afford a child. we just cant afford $16,000 cash in any given year! i thought we would be able to use credit and then take our time paying it back.

NM and i are pretty fiscally responsible people. we have one car payment and commute to work together. we purchased a house that was like $15,000 below our budgeted price, we dont shop very much, we dont pay for cable or other luxuries, we work really hard to pay off credit card purchases as soon as they are made and we both work well over 40 hours a week! we arent perfect but we work so hard to do the right things and still this goal feels out of reach. i mean even if we saved money away every month, it would be YEARS before we had enough collected to afford $16,000 for adoption.

*sigh*

im so frustrated i could just scream. and i feel like such a fool for allowing myself to get excited enough to start dreaming again. *grumble*

sometimes, being gay is annoying.

2010-04-24T23:21:00.000-07:00

this is a TTC blog which means that there aint much to blog about when we arent T'ing TC. allow me to offer a brief update... still barren. out of sperm. currently #7 on the waiting-list-for-the-waiting-list for adoption. failed adoption attempt from within our community. still barren and out of sperm. cost of a vial went up to $600. conclusion: i have been self- diagnosed as financially infertile.

last week i sat down and began to type what would have been the first hopeful post since i started this damn thing 2 years ago. we received an email from a friend that seemed like it was going to be the answer to our prayers. ok, that's a lie since i dont pray.. but you get the point. the email was an official offer to donate sperm. translation: our friend is 100% willing to donate his sperm to us... for "no financial gain". how rare those three words are.

needless to say, NM and i were friggin elated. it was like christmas morning but without the christian references or midnight fireplace home invasion. i was beside myself with excitement over the potential that i might actually be able to try again. i found myself looking at my belly in the mirror, trying to picture what it will look like if it finally works this time. i felt my mind racing as i thought of all the cool moments that NM and i would get to share as my belly grew larger with our little person inside. i guess what im trying to say is, i felt hopeful. which, let me tell you, is not a common feeling for this east coast cynic.

as i mentioned in previous posts, NM and i have been pretty hard core anti-known donor. while we made the decision that we would only use an open donor, we didnt want the complexity and instability that can come...hee-hee, pun intended... with a known donor. we have had half-hearted conversations with friends about the idea of them donating to us... but in the end, we would never take them up on the offer because we really arent interested in all of the complexities that a known (local) donor can bring. not to mention the legal drama.

so, imagine our surprise when, after reading this email from our friend, we both looked at each other and said... "its perfect!". we replied to the email saying that we are super interested in chatting about the potential and then spent the entire weekend envisioning this picture perfect ending.

and then monday came.

and as mondays tend to do.. it shit all over our dream.

i decided to do a little research into what the process of a local/known donor would look like. NM and i both decided that if we used our friend's stuff, we were NOT interested in doing an ICI at home. we would kick it old school style...err, or maybe this would be new school style... *shrug* and do an IUI in the doctors office. this would require our donor to go make a deposit at a local cryobank where they would then wash out all the gross man stuff and leave us with vials of frozen swimmers.

i checked out the only local cryobank in the area and found the first hurdle. all known donors have to make a deposit and submit to a full physical and blood work. this seemed reasonable enough. especially since im not looking to catch any scratchy diseases after my narrow escape from the grips of the crack head nurse-with-hep. *whew!*

but then, i read further...

after the initial physical, donors then need to go back 180 days later for follow up tests... 180 days? thats like 2 months!! wait, *internal calculator*.... there are 30 days in a month times 2 would be 60 days and 60 times 2 is 180 so that would be like 4 months. FOUR MONTHS!? wait, that seems weird. 60 times 2 isnt 180, its 120 so that means that its like 5 months. wait, 80 minus 20 isnt 30... its 60... damn those NJ public schools... which means 2 months. so in total it would be 6 months. SIX MONTHS?!?! WE HAVE TO WAIT SIX MONTHS BEFORE WE CAN INSEMINATE??!!

i know, i know... this rule is in place to protect me and my future offspring from HIV which can take up to 6 months (which, if you didnt already know, is equal to 180 days) to show up. i get it. i appreciate it. thank you FDA.

i convinced myself that being pregnant is NOT more important to me than remaining HIV negative and decided to continue reading which brought me to buzz kill #2. Cost. the first round of blood tests and "physical" would cost us $615. then, 180 days later (which is 6 months, btw) we have to fork up $500 for a second physical and the second set of blood tests. $1100?!??! that's like 2 vials of CCB sperm!

which reminds me of a TTC joke. you are probably an infertile if.... you have stopped using dollars to track financial transactions and have instead begun to use the "how many vials could we get" system. "honey, can we get a new tv? it only costs 3 vials" ba-dump-bump.

i digress...

so at this point i realize that this is indeed another stupid racket aimed at making money off of desperate i-will-mortgage-my-house-in-pursuit-of-getting-pregnant people. which as you can imagine, doesnt calm me down one bit.

so then, i come across buzz kill #3 in the fine print: "the 2 physicals and blood tests can be waived if the recipient of the sperm is married to the donor".

wait.

back the truck up.

WHAT!??!

so basically, if i had entered into a patriarchal and heterosexist institution with our known donor, then the FDA wouldnt give a shit about protecting me or my offspring from HIV? if this dude wasnt already married, i would TOTALLY make him marry me just so we could give a big middle finger to the system. ggrrrr.

i checked to see if he could go to his own doctor for a physical and blood tests (which would be covered by his insurance) and of course the cryobank said no. which makes no damn sense. well i should clarify... in a society with predatory capitalism, it makes total sense but defies all logic.

so, here we sit.... at yet another road block. i cant even begin to express how stressful it is to have yet another omg!-this-might-be-the-answer moment come crumbling down. for so long we both said, "if only we could find a local donor". here we are, local sperm in hand...err, that's gross...you get the point, but we cant afford to take this route.

*kicking rocks*

i have never....

2010-01-06T09:03:00.000-08:00

....been more sad about being barren as i am right now. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS THING!!

its called the baby keeper. you hang it over the bathroom stall door and it suspends your kid 3 feet in the air while you drop a deuce!

i swear... the second i have a kid in my life im gonna walk.... nay, im gonna RUN...to the store to buy this so i can continue my new commitment to no-shame-pooping!

(i wonder if they sell a package-deal that comes fully equipped with a baby inside. *fingers crossed!*)

i am woman, hear me _ O _ _!

2010-01-05T15:47:00.001-08:00

man, it feels good to be back. like most folks, i have been traveling like cuh-ray-zee for the holidays and sadly i didnt have access to the internet while i was away. i have enjoyed spending the last few days getting caught up on everyone’s good (and sad *sigh*) news. *cyber hugs for all*

i thought about dedicating my first post of the new year to a list of things im looking forward to in the 360 days to come.... but that would be positive and optimistic and cheerful and then you all might think that barren lesbo was abducted over the holidays and this hack blogger is simply an impostor trying to infiltrate the TTC community (yes, im a conspiracy theorist. humpty dumpty was pushed.) so.... i decided to keep it real and start the year off right.

ok... first gripe of 2010... the use of the title “feminine hygiene products” for the section of the store that contains tampons and pads. “feminine hygiene”? seriously? as though our period is some dirty little habit that needs to be sanitized before it can come out and play safely with others. it should be called “female necessity products” or something less related to salad bars and subway benches.

next gripe... what is with the friggin cost of a box of tampons?? i mean come on! why is it that i can spend $1.99 on an ENTIRE MEAL (read: bun, beef, cheese, ketchup, pickles, onions, freedom...err, wait, bush is gone so i can say FRENCH fries, and 16 ounces of high fructose corn syrup) but i have to practically spend $12.00 on a wad of bleached (read: unhealthy for the vajay-jay) cotton and a dry ass cardboard applicator? and why is it even called an “applicator”? it doesn’t “apply” anything. it should be called an “inserter”, damnit.

*deep breath*

in 1978 gloria steinem wrote a piece for ms. magazine titled, “if men could menstruate”, where she playfully imagines how the culture around menstruation would change if men (the holders of social and political power) were the ones who bled every month. she argues that men would brag and boast about how long and how much they bled… even creating slang like “im a three pad man”. she argued that men’s menstruation would result in federal policy making all tampons and pads free.

i totally agree with her and in fact, i believe that menstruating men would never ever believe that bullshit we were told about only producing “2-3 tablespoons of blood during a menstrual cycle”. who are they fooling with that crap?? i swear, teenage menstruation manuals must have been written by buffoons because any woman knows that 2-3 tablespoons is total BS.

i want to yell, “listen, buddy. while your penis-wielding-ancestors were out there getting jobs and voting, my female ancestors were handcuffed to the kitchen. which means we became pretty damn good at approximating the size of a tablespoon. and after years and countless months of bleeding i think i might have a slightly better idea than you do about how much bleeding i do.” grrr. and to think they have the nerve to tell us, “it might seeeem like more than 2-3 tablespoons but trust us, its not”.

um, no. trust US… it is. jerks.

next gripe…female shame. wtf...women act like natural bodily functions are something for us to be ashamed of! and relax… im not about to go all second wave, flower-power, monthly-bleeding-is-a-beautiful-symbol-from-the-mother-goddess-of-your-fertility, on you. i am, after all, the barren lesbo. key word being barren.

all im saying is that i am sick and tired of the ways that we as women lower our voices when asking to borrow a tampon from a friend or do the secret drug transaction handshake when passing a pad across the table at a restaurant.

if men could menstruate they would let tampon strings hang proudly out of their back pockets… would puff out their chests and say, “shit bro… can i bum a rag off yah” *grabbing crotch and spitting* then they would saunter off to the men’s room and take care of business with their foot up on the urinal…. proud and public and for all the other men to see.

in fact, im surprised to hear that men’s bathrooms even contain stalls at all. men seem to brag about bathroom related topics all the time. “you should see how good my aim was!” or “man, i just dropped the kids off at the pool”. we women on the other hand are supposed to walk through this world acting like we don’t bleed and we certainly don’t poop. good lord, anything but that!

im amazed at the lengths we go to in an attempt to disguise what we do behind a closed bathroom stall door. seeecretly opening the tampon rubbish bin…careful not to rustle the paper bag which might notify all other patrons in the bathroom that we are in fact, bleeding. *gasp*someone get her some “hygiene products!”

we act like bandits trying to secretly open the bank safe without setting off the alarm alerting the female shame police. we painstakingly (and using only the veeery tip of our pinky finger) struggle to push open the lid… praying that the hinges on the receptacle are greased enough to allow for a totally silent deposit of our “waste”.

but then, on the other hand, in those panicked moments when we need to poop and cant hold it till we get home, we sit in the stall and alternate slamming open the tampon rubbish bin… rustling the paper bag… cough, cough, cough…. blowing of the nose…. looouuuddd yaaaawnnn…. cough, cough, cough….slamming the tampon rubbish bin lid again....all in an attempt to mask the sound of a “plop”.

the best public bathroom experiences are when we find ourselves 100% alone in a bathroom… nothing but vacant stalls as far as the eye can see. finally, after hours of holding in farts, we have the chance to free ourselves…. to drop our own kids off at the pool for a change. when suddenly… *gasp*… the stuff that nightmares are made of… the scrape of the main door, followed by the click-clack of women’s heels. we are no longer alone. we begin to sweat as we frantically try to figure out an exit strategy…

im sure she just has to pee… ill wait her out.
but what if she has to poop and decides to wait me out?
we could be in here for hours, waiting each other out.
if i take too long, the people at the table will for sure know that i came to the bathroom to poop.
then ill be forced to make up a lie, “aww, heck. those gosh darn lines in women’s bathroom” *forced roll of the eyes, cough*
no, ill just skip pooping and try to go again later
but what if i get back to the table and cant hold it? i certainly cant go to the bathroom TWICE in one dinner service! people will think i have to poop!
shit, what am i gonna do?!?

last week i was in a public stall peeing… hey, i swear, i was only peeing!... when a woman came in and sat in the stall next to me. apparently my stream of pee must have found the magical harry potter black hole because suddenly it stopped making the traditional pee-touching-water noise. there we were, in. total. silence. me suspended above the shitter silently peeing and panicking that she might think im trying to poop. i took a slight step forward and the sound returned to the water bowl. *wiping my brow* whew! disaster averted.

but then suddenly, i heard a strange noise next to me. a sound that i have never heard in a public restroom before. a straining of sorts that bordered on a full-fledged grunt. and then it happened… like the kick of a loud base drum… PLOP. followed by a beautiful concerto of ratta-tat-tat-tat and another plop.

that’s when i realized… holy crap (literally) this woman is totally pooping next to me... with no shame.

man, forget oprah.

this. is. my. new. hero.

so from now on i vow to use my grown up voice when asking to borrow a tampon… to open and slam the tampon receptacle with pride but only after actually depositing waste in there… to toot and grunt and refrain from masking plop sounds with synchronized coughs.

no more shame.

i am woman.
hear me poop.

like a paper cut between my fingers

2009-12-05T17:43:00.000-08:00

i spent saturday afternoon at my first baby shower since the end of my TTC journey and all i can say is....woah. i have read other people's posts about how painful these events can be for folks who are struggling to get prego but good LORD... it felt i had given myself 10,000 paper cuts and then jumped into a giant vat of my own salty tears.

i should start by saying that the baby shower was awesome... it was co-ed, the food was great, the games were fun, the mom-to-be looked amazing, the dad-to-be was attentive and sweet, the rest of the guests were charming and fun to be around. if i weren’t such a barren, barren lesbo, i would have thought that the whole event was amazing. i should also say that i am TOTALLY happy for the expectant couple and i totally dig them as friends. so, this grumpy-bitter-woe-is-me diatribe has nothing to do with them or how happy i am for them.

ok, having gotten the formalities out of the way, let me get back to....

holy SHIT, that was painful!

not only were there images of babies everywhere (baby toys, baby shaped confetti, baby paper plates, baby napkins, baby wall decorations and even a handful of actual live babies) but even harder was that every friggin conversation was also about... you guessed it, babies!!

i stood in line for food between the mom-to-be and another pregnant lady and like a game of barren-monkey-in-the-middle, i bobbed and weaved between updates about the latest in maternity pants and anecdotes about supportive/unsupportive dads-to-be.

when the mom-to-be was opening gifts i found myself entranced again by "the belly". (see THIS post about belly dodging in the supermarket). NM was all, "babe, what are you looking at?" and i didn’t answer because i was transfixed by "the belly"...locked into an almost comatose stare, mouth agape and all. so she tried again, "babe...helloooo?...can you hear me?" and i was all, "oh, sorry... im just reeeeally interested in the gifts. *cough, nervous laugh*" and she was all, "i can see that. you look like you’re watching a football game or something. at least close your mouth"

i managed to dodge most of the fun baby themed games, much to the dismay of the first person who greeted me when i walked through the door.

baby shower attendee: here... *pushing a giant roll of crepe paper towards me* make a guess!
me: *reaching for my mace* err, make a guess about what?
baby shower attendee: you know silly, how big her belly is! rip off a piece of crepe paper that you think will fit perfectly around her belly.
me: that’s ok, ill pass.
baby shower attendee: you cant pass, everyone has to do it.
me: no, everyone doesn’t have to do it. so ill pass.
baby shower attendee: don’t be a party-pooper... take a piece of crepe paper!

(at this point a "glimpse-into-the-future" bubble appears over my head. i begin to envision the end of the game when all the women line up to wrap their "crepe paper guess" around the belly of the mom-to-be while the rest of the room cackles and laughs at how long -and thus way off- the guesses are. i can picture myself at the front of the line as i approach "the belly", i bend down and put my cheek against it, wrap my arms around the belly's mom and pull the crepe paper taut. i pull and pull at the crepe paper but i soon realize that i don’t even have enough to go half way around her. suddenly there is a *gasp* in the crowd and someone yells, "is to too short??" *sounds of shock in the audience* "but... nobody EVER takes too short of a piece. what’s WRONG with you?!", at which point i stand up and scream at the top of my lungs..."im a barren lesbo! how the HELL am i supposed to know how to accurately guess the size of a pregnant belly?!" *sobbing and exiting stage left*

baby shower attendee: helloo.... are you gonna take some, or what?

*glimpse-into-the-future bubble pops*

me: *gritting my teeth* i swear. you better. get that paper. outta my FACE!!! i already told you that I AINT PLAYING!

aaand...scene.

the only other game i had to participate in occurred while i was innocently eating my lunch at one of the round party tables. the center of the table had lots of yummy cookies, baby confetti sprinkled on the tablecloth and little plastic baby bottles with nuts and candies inside. one of the hosts asked everyone to grab a plastic bottle. we did. then she said, "now look inside and see if there is a baby!". i opened up my bottle and poured the contents out onto the table...frantically searching for a plastic baby. im sure the woman across from me was thinking, "man, she must really want that prize" but in that moment all i could think was, "find the baby. find the baby."

suddenly i heard yelling and cheering as the "winners" proudly held their plastic babies in the air. i looked down at my pile of nuts and candy and realized that my baby bottle party favor was a sad sad representation of my barren barren womb... empty.

*begin violin music*

fun with the 2009 target catalog

2009-11-20T10:02:00.000-08:00

omg... my besties gave me a copy of the target toy catalog for 2009 and pointed out the front cover.

at first i thought it was just your typical run of the mill gender socialization propaganda...

white girl on the cover? check.

is she wearing pink? check.

is she wearing a tiara? check.

is she wearing a tutu? check.

is the tutu pink? check.

is she smiling? check.

is she playing with barbie? check.

is there a little boy in the image? check.

is he doing one of the following: making a mess, eating something or expressing anger? check.

ok, the basics are covered.

but upon further inspection, i realize that the barbie is holding Lego flowers.... and...wait a minute...are those church bells i see?! is that a priest/pastor/bishop/knight/pawn getting ready to perform a marriage?! (clearly i know very little about church officials...or the game of chess)

holy shit... that little boy isnt just upset because she is playing with his (read: a boy's) toy... he is mad because she is marrying them!

so not only do we have an image of a smiling white girl wearing a pink tutu and tiara playing with barbie while a little boy is expressing anger...but we can add heteronormative relationships and male aversion to marriage to the list. yay! the only things missing are caption bubbles:

as a silver lining i like to look at this image and imagine that the little boy is upset for other reasons...

or maybe the little boy is a radical activist:

the idea of the little boy being a big ol' queer or a radical activist was quickly squelched when i turned the page to find the following images....

page 18...

page 21...

*sigh*

thank god im barren and dont have to deal with toy catalogs.

life is good.

2009-11-13T09:18:00.000-08:00

10 thangs i dig today. drum roll......

1. ginger molasses cookies from Pioneer Woman. i baked them last night and mmmm.... they turned out so good!

(these are not my cookies... i forgot to take a picture so i jacked this one from PW)

2. this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cZfzch8vDo

3. this one too. it makes me want to quit my job and make videos like this for a living.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=17543732

4. ugly thrift store dresses. i recently bought a dress for $3.00 that NM thought i was planning to wear for halloween. imagine her surprise when i walked into the kitchen the other morning wearing the dress, ready for work. in her defense, i think the dress technically is an actual costume of some sort but since i cant figure out what the costume might be, i say "fair game!".

5. the blog Sociological Images. they have some really cool stuff on this site. check it out.

6. my dogs.

maddox doing circus tricks with follistim.

Gully rolling her eyes at me.

7. the movie Hard Candy. if you haven't seen it yet, rent it. now.

8. this picture of my mom. she was pregnant with me. my halloween costume for this year was supposed to look similar to this. NM said it was "bad taste" for me (barren lesbo) to dress as a pregnant woman for halloween but i disagree. if people can dress up like witches and fairies...then i should be able to dress up as something equally as imaginative and unrealistic!

9. bjork. whats not to love?

10. public transportation.

wouldnt you like to be a goddess too?

2009-11-09T14:08:00.000-08:00

*peeking my head out from under my rock*

so.....its been a while. my last failed cycle proved to be much more difficult to cope with than i had anticipated. i have logged on many times with the full intention of posting something new, but i end up staring blankly at the screen. i didn't realize how much this blog was tied to my process of TTC. i mean, i always knew that writing and reading other blogs helped me with my past failed cycles but now that i have experienced my last attempt to get prego, i am realizing that it is hard to separate this blog from my feelings of disappointment. those of you who have struggled to get prego....you know the panic that sets in when you find yourself at opposite ends of the same grocery store aisle with a big ol' pregnant belly? even though the belly is undoubtedly attached to a human female person, all you see coming your way is a lush, fully functioning womb. your heartbeat races and you begin to have the internal dialogue that sounds something like this:
ok.
there is a pregnant belly
coming this way.
take a deep breath.
pay
attention
to the sale items.
dont stare at the belly
the lady attached will think you are strange
dont
stare
dont
stare
look at the cake mix
count the different types of icing
1- chocolate, 2- vanilla, 3- cream cheese
anything to
keep your eyes
off of
the
belly.

*sigh*

well that's kind of what this blog has started to feel like. i have spent so many hours day-dreaming about the days when i could post a photo of a BFP prego stick, or an updated photo from ultrasounds or a belly shot of my own. but, since i wont have that experience, i think i had to step away from this blog and heal a little.

i want to say thank you so much to all of you who posted such wonderfully supportive (and funny!!) comments on my last few posts. i know its a total no-no to go this long without reciprocation but please know that im keeping up with all of your developments (both happy and sad) and am working to get back on the "how to be a good blog community member" horse again.

i dont really have much to update today. im still barren and the world still sucks sometimes. NM and i teach a class together and we recently had a panel of guests come in to talk about parenting. some panel members are the parents of teens and some have young kids. some identify as fathers, some as adoptive moms and some as bio moms. it was fascinating to hear the differences in parenting as connected to social identities like race, class, gender and sexual orientation. "sexual orientation".... i hate that word. it sounds so nautical or something. like my "orientation" could be plotted on some graph or something. *shrug*.

anyway, i digress....

one panel member talked pretty explicitly about her thoughts about being pregnant and child birth. she spoke so freely and it seemed like the mere reflection on the past experience of pregnancy still fills her with energy. she said that being pregnant and giving birth reinforced the notion that "women are goddesses". *nod* it was a super cool moment.

and.... it made me lose my breath. i welled up and felt like i couldn't breathe. i guess i just want to be a goddess too.

i have realized that some of the most difficult parts of coping with infertility are those unexpected moments where the wave of emotion totally sneaks up on you and knocks you on your ass. its like being clotheslined by a giant pregnant belly or something. it sucks and i kinda cant wait for this phase of the infertility grieving process to be over.

im currently not sure about what to do with this blog in the future. it has been such a great source of support for me but im not sure how to transition out of a TTC mode and into something else. if i cant transition it comfortably away from being a TTC blog, then maybe its time to close up shop and start something new. we shall see. in the meantime...thanks again for the wonderful support.

oh... a friend shared this post from get born magazine and i loved it. check it out.

word.

little pink soldiers in my downstairs

2009-10-04T15:27:00.000-07:00

i have a theory that relates to my infertility. it goes a little something like this...

i am convinced that past trauma coupled with my current work with victims of sexual assault creates the most hostile womb in the world for anything male. I think that when the doctors inseminate me with sperm, my body goes into attack mode and kills them all.

“put on your pink helmets, girls…. There is a whole school of perpetrators swimming this way!!! Kill them!!!”.

*sigh*

it sounds silly… but after 9 inseminations, I cant think of any other reason.

sad.

2009-10-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

ill warn my sister in law (and anyone else who reads this) that this post will most likely be a long one. feel free to skim to the summary paragraph if you want.

this morning i woke up at 5am with a ridiculous urge to pee. i was shocked to realize that i got my period. today is day 25 in my cycle. i typically get my period between days 28 & 31. not sure why the heck it is here a whole 3-6 days early.

NM is out of town for the weekend on a college visit tour with 20 of her high school students. i wanted to call her right away but was afraid that she would be in the middle of some meeting with the kids and would have to figure out a way to keep it together. i decided to wait until she gets home tomorrow night to tell her. then i decided that was a dumb idea. eventually, i sent her a text and asked her to call me when she gets a chance.

for me, telling NM about AF’s arrival is one of the hardest parts of the infertility roller coaster. i want so badly to give her the family that we have been working so hard to create… so no matter how many times she assures me that she is never disappointed in me, i still feel badly breaking the news to her.

as always, she took it like a champ. we both cried a little on the phone, she told me over and over how thankful she is for what i have gone through, told me it wasn’t anything i did wrong and said that she has faith in our future. can you see why i married this woman (twice!)?

my doctor told me to make sure to wait until at least 11 days after the insem to pee on a pregnancy test because the HCG shot can cause a false positive. since it is only 10 days post insem, i decided to pee on a stick in the hopes that it would read “pregnant”. even though i knew it would be a false positive, i still wanted so badly to have the experience of reading that word on a pee-stick. in the end, it read “not pregnant”. *sigh*

im supposed to be working on my graduate research paper today but i cant stop thinking about all this crap. i shift between feeling so terribly sad…. to feeling shocked…. to feeling angry. im not used to wanting something this bad that isn’t within my control.

typically my coping mechanism for disappointment is to find all of the reasons why i didn’t really want something in the first place…

“who cares, that job probably would have sucked after a year anyway!”

“screw them…. im too good for them anyway!”

anything i can say or think to convince myself that i am somehow better off. this strategy does NOT work with TTC. my thought process goes like this….

man, who wants a stupid baby anyway?!

they are all loud and poopy and expensive,

i would rather spend that money on traveling the world with my babe.

yeah but traveling with a kid would be cool.

too bad we probably wouldn’t ever travel with a kid.

we would sit home and fight about laundry and chores.

but NM and I rarely ever fight.

that’s what makes our family so cool.

we disagree… a lot… but we never really fight.

we would have so much fun raising a kid together.

too bad we wont ever have one.

we will end up the crazy lesbo cat ladies.

but without cats since NM is allergic.

my self mutilating dog is the closest i will ever become to being a mom.

who cares, babies are dumb.

i told NM that i am nervous about traveling to see my family over rape and pillage day (thanksgiving) because there will be a pregnant lady there. she and i are not related but she is coming to hang with our family because her husband is overseas. they have one kid and are struggling to keep their marriage together because he is a jerk. its hard to be around folks in that situation when NM and i have such a wonderfully stable marriage and a strong desire to raise a child. im not meaning to sound judgy… because i really am happy for her that she is prego again… im just saying that it will be difficult to be around. pregnant women inevitably generate conversations about pregnancy and that’s hard for me right now.

im also feeling so annoyed at my body right now. like WTF is wrong with me?! 9 inseminations and i cant get pregnant?! meanwhile other people smoke crack and have noooooo problem reproducing a whole herd of kids.

my frustration with my body is also knocking up against some of my feminist values that have taught me to stop hating my body. as girls we are raised to hate our bodies… the way they feel, they way they smell, the way they are shaped…. and i spent years working on healing my self-hatred and have come to a place where i am truly happy with my body. and then i encountered infertility. i cant help but get angry at my body for being such a big friggin failure!

its so strange to think that i will be the only woman in my family to not experience pregnancy. and although i have never been the kind of woman who has fantasized about having a baby since the time i was 6 years old.... i still feel such a great sense of loss.

summary: i got my period. i’m incredibly sad. i miss my wife. my body is a loser.

southern accent... "a dingo with H1N1 killed my baybeee!"

2009-10-01T12:37:00.000-07:00

ok seriously... if one more person comes to work sick as hell, im gonna mace them with lysol! im not typically the kind of person to get all worked up about getting sick, i mean hey...it happens to the best of us. but this whole swine flu (my students call it the "cop flu". lol) epidemic is creepin me out.

i was in a meeting yesterday with someone who said she had H1N1 but since she stayed home for 3 days, she wasn't contagious anymore. yeah right lady... then why all the hacking and sweating and shivering?! wtf?!

i know there are conflicting reports about the severity of H1N1 on prego women but i recently read that the flu can lead to an early term miscarriage. that will be my friggin luck... ill FINALLY get pregnant and then some idiot will give me the cop flu and ill miscarry! i dodged the hepatitis bullet from the run-in with the crack head nurse, but i'm not taking any chances with H1N1.

so far on campus we have had 1200 students report to the health center for the flu. i was conducting a sexual assault prevention session earlier today and one of the students in the room was clearly sick. i wanted to scream "GO HOME DINGO! STOP PUTTING MY HEALTH AT RISK!! I GOT LIKE $8000 RIDING ON THIS CYCLE!!".

grrr.

really? i mean come ON!!!!

2009-09-29T09:52:00.000-07:00

ok, i get it. im infertile. my womb is probably drier than the sierra desert. i walk past house plants and they shrivel up and die. i have plenty of examples of my barren-ness every day.

not only do i have to deal with friends who unexpectedly get pregnant... "oops, we weren't even trying! *giggle*"

*deep breath*

and an ex-boyfriend who suddenly became a parent... "as it turns out, the paternity test says that i have twins"

*rolling my eyes*

but now we have to deal with pregnant women getting pregnant?

come on universe...what's wrong with you?!?!

ALREADY PREGNANT WOMEN GETS PREGNANT

the not-so-terrible two week wait.

2009-09-28T12:34:00.000-07:00

i am officially 4/5 days into the TTWW. i am crampy as a mother-father and am still pretty irritable. im starting to think that my irritability has more to do with dealing with the nearly constant cramps and less to do with the raging hormones. *shrug* nevertheless...im in some pretty uncomfortable pain and its not fun. *pout*

we went to JC Penney this weekend with NM's mom (she was visiting for the weekend to help celebrate NM's birthday) and i was in the dressing room trying on a shirt when suddenly i looked at myself in the mirror. good LORD am i bloated! i pretty much look preggo. i am told that the joy of bloat is a side effect of the fertility drugs but my imagination cant help but think that maybe one of the past insems actually worked and im currently carrying a 6 month old baby in my belly. NM thinks im crazy but hey.... you never know! ive seen way weirder stuff on TLC!

this TTWW feels totally different that any of the previous 7 cycles. typically at this point in the ballgame i have my eye on the prize and cant WAIT for the 2 weeks to pass. every passing minute, hour, day is consumed with counting down.

this time, aka...my last try... feels totally different. its like i dont want the 2 weeks to pass.

i think im just afraid that this moment right now is the closest i will ever come to being pregnant. at the end of the TTWW i might get my period which then means that we will move on to other options for a child.

*sigh*
somehow, being maybe-pregnant is better than never being pregnant at all.

belly full o' swimmers

2009-09-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

well... i have officially begun the TTWW. we had 2 inseminations (today and yesterday) so now all i can do is wait, wait, wait, wait.

the insems were no big deal... im pretty much a pro at this point. the new doctor's procedures differed slightly from our old RE but not too much. the biggest difference is the fact that they let me pee before the procedure. *wiping my brow* whew!! our old doctor said that a full bladder made it easier to "find the cervix" which always made me a little suspicious since we are talking about a space that is roughly the size of a grapefruit. how hard is it to find a cervix in there?

while it seems a small difference, it actually makes insems MUCH less annoying. i used to pee before we got in the car to drive to denver (our old RE was an hour away in denver) and then, since i didnt wanna flush $600 down the toilet, i would continue to hold my pee for hours after the insem. it wasnt fun. i have a very low tolerance for that kinda discomfort so having the opportunity to pee before the insem was a dream.

the nurse yesterday was this totally socially awkward lady who is probably really nice but in an insemination environment just seems odd. she put a hospital bracelet on me when we first got there with my name in big black letters. then, when she came into the room to do the insem she made me show her my bracelet and verify my identity. i still cant figure out why. she knows us...and has been our nurse for numerous other appointments. did she think we were gonna sneak some look-alike-jersey-double into the appointment? *shrug* weird.

i didnt have any freak out moments but did almost lose it when she showed us the vial to verify the donor number...

nurse: ok, can you look at this vial and verify that we have the correct number.
NJ: *checking the number on the side of the vial* yup...thats the one.
nurse: *looking at the vial* now, you do understand...that the red cap on this vial means that this is a mixed rate donor, right?
NJ: sorry but i dont know what "mixed rate" means.
nurse: no, *talking slowly* mixed raaaace. you do understand that this donor identifies as mixed race. right?
NJ: *not sure what to say*
NJ: yes. we are aware of the racial identity of our donor.

WTF!?!?!? she might as well have said, "excuse me miss white lady, are you aware that you might be creating offspring with.....A BROWN PERSON?!" because that's what i heard her say. i wanted to say, "yes...we lesbians are planning to create a queer multiracial family. stick that in your bible and pray about it". *deep breath* white people, i swear.

the second insem was pretty much the same but we had a much cooler nurse this time. well... i should say that NM had a much cooler experience since she and the nurse became BFF's while i was up in the stirrups. picture me, in stirrups, trying to keep my head off the dirty ass pillowcase, not able to see anything thats going on, feeling pinches and pokes and twists and i hear this....

nurse: ok, im gonna get the boys in the catheter.
NM: *laughing* oh, we call them "michael phelps" since we hope they are good swimmers
nurse: oh thats great! and speaking of phelps... isnt he amazing?
NM: i know! he was born to swim!

nurse: yes he was. imagine if he had never been exposed to swimming... what a huge loss. its crazy to think about how some people might be born to do something but because they are never exposed to it, they never have that chance.

NM: yeah...thats crazy.

nurse: so, what are you doing for the weekend

NJ: *resisting the urge to say, helloooooo?! i hate to break up the tea party but could you focus!

NM: oh, my mom is coming to town for my birthday this weekend.

nurse: oh that will be such FUN! we were just in california visiting my kids.

NM: oh really? where in california?

nurse: northern LA. we went to disney land and had a blast.

NM: oh i LOVE disneyland!

NJ: *thinking* ARE THESE PEOPLE SERIOUS?!?! WE ARE NOT AT A POTLUCK RIGHT NOW!!

nurse: well, let me tell you....we went with 4 adults and no kids and it was so much fun!

NM: *laughing* thats great! disneyland should be for adults only!

NJ: *thinking* the minute that i am im out of these stirrups, im filing for a divorce.

and....scene.

needless to say, NM didnt leave the appointment with the nurse's phone number or facebook info. *rolling my eyes*

men, i swear.

im not crazy, im just on fertility meds!

2009-09-22T13:06:00.000-07:00

i had my final corn-dogging this morning and it went really well. well, i mean...as good as a corn-dogging experience can go, i suppose.

my eggs are frackin HUGE and it looks like we are set for wednesday and thursday of this week. woohoo! i told the RE that i feel like im about to get my period because my ovaries are KILLING me and my boobs are bigger than the usual DD...which is already pretty damn big. he said its all normal and part of the joys of hormones.

i shoulda known since i had the following interaction with NM on sunday:

NM: hey babe, where is the folder that we are using to store all of our doctor bills?

jersey: on the bottom shelf of the cabinet.

NM: which cabinet?

jersey: *impatient sigh and curt response* the cabinet with the drawer!!!

NM: hey babe...there is lots of other stuff in this folder. i thought we were gonna just use one folder for all of our doctor stuff.

jersey: *resisting the urge to claw her face off* well excuuuuuse me for living! i put the most recent bills in THAT folder because it was the only one i could find! if you dont like this system than make your own!! *fire spitting out of my mouth and eyes rolling back into my head*

NM: *long pause* oh, honey... are we gonna have..... "a day"?

jersey: "a day"?!?!?!? what the HELL is THAT supposed to mean?!?!?! god, i swear! how rude!! im on all these fertility meds that make my ovaries hurt and you're over there giving me grief.

NM: yeah, um... fertility meds.

jersey: *realizing what she is talking about* oooh, riiiiight. *nervous laugh* fertility meds make me crazy. *gulp* sorry.

so never the less, im pretty much one big raging hormone. its lots of fun.

but not more fun than the 7 inch needle that NM had to stick in my butt cheek today. after the corn-dogging we had to go home for an HCG shot. it was my first shot that had to go into the muscle and NM did a brilliant job. well, with the exception of one minor (read: irritating) freakout. i decided that she would have to give me the shot on the couch so that i could use our current free cable as a distraction. nothing like HGTV to take your mind off of a 7 inch needle.

i told her to handle the shot stuff on her own and then just stick me with it. but, bless her heart, since she was nervous, the experience was more like this:

NM: *attaching the draw needle to the syringe*

jersey: *watching HGTV*

NM: *drawing up the medication and then switching to the 7'' injection needle* oh....my.....god....

jersey: what?

NM: this needle is HUGE! *laughing nervously*

jersey: um, i dont need that right now! GOD!

NM: i know, im just saying! this thing is enormous!

jersey: stop talking and do it already! dont give me any warning and for the love of GOD dont count down. just do it.

NM: ok... here we go.... i can do this.... are you ready?.... here we go..... the nurse said to not hit the nerve... ok, i think i have the right location... oh my god.... are you ready?..... this might hurt.... ready? ready? ready?....one...... two.....

jersey: COULD YOU BUILD UP ANYMORE ANTICIPATION?! WTF!!! I SAID DONT COUNT!!! for the love of GOD! JUST DO IT!

and.....scene.

it actually didnt hurt that badly. it was way less painful than the follistim shots that go in my belly. anywhooo... tomorrow is the big day. send lots of fertile energy our way!!

ovary watch- 2009

2009-09-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

i had the pleasure of receiving yet another corn-dogging yesterday morning to check the progress of my eggs. i couldn't believe the difference a couple of days can make! my ovaries looked like crowded NY subway trains.

i should have known that there was some growing going on in there because all weekend i was walking like the hunchback of notre dame. every step i took felt like someone was jabbing me in the ovaries and the only relief came from (very) small steps while hunched over. people on the street must have seen me and thought, "oh, i wonder what happened to that poor woman". little did they know, im actually subjecting myself to this torture. clomid made me crampy in past cycles but this follistim is no joke.

the doctor was actually pretty cool. he is a total ego maniac but im hoping that his ego is directly linked to his ability to get me knocked up. you know how men are... they love to spread seed around and then take no responsibility for the subsequent offspring. in some ways, being an RE is an ideal job for a dude.

i got a little freaked out though because in the morning before i went to the doctor, i was watching some dumb murder show called "snapped". we dont typically have television because we canceled our cable in may and never went to get the digital converter thingy but as it turns out, they never actually came out to disconnect it! they are coming in one week but in the meantime we are enjoying the free cable. yesssss! *fist pump*

i digress...

yesterday morning i flipped on some dumb show about women who murder their husbands. its called "snapped" and the women are profiled and totally portrayed like they are crazy. never mind the fact that almost all of them murder their partners in an attempt to escape abuse! but yet somehow this show manages to turn them all into gold-digging heartless psychopaths. *deep breath*

i digress again...

so, on this show there was a story about a woman who (along with her new man friend) killed her abusive ex husband. the new man friend was WAY crazier than she was and as it turns out, he was from the next town over from where i currently live! but wait, it gets weirder. to top it off, he looked just like our RE and...get this.... even shared the same last name!!

i texted NM to tell her and she told me that i should ask directly if he is the same guy. as tempting as this sounds, i havent been able to figure out how to make that conversation happen...

NJ: *in stirrups and getting corn-dogged* so... i saw the craziest thing on TV this morning....

doctor: *staring at the monitor* yeah?

NJ: yeah... i was watching this television show about murderers and they featured this story about a crazy murderer guy from the next town over.

doctor: *moving the corn-dog-stick around and watching the monitor* really. hm. interesting.

NJ: yeah. it was crazy too cuz he actually resembled you and shared your last name.

doctor: *totally ignoring me* really. wow. nurse, can you check the flux capacitor and issue a dose of blah-blah-blah.

NJ: so............................................did you do it?

and.... scene.

anywhoo... the doctor said that i have 3 big eggs that are ready to go and then over 5 that still need to bake a little. so the plan is for me to go in again for yet another corn-dogging and then a possible insem on weds and thurs. it will be our first experience doing 2 insems in one month. i know there are lots of conflicting messages about the success of doing 2 IUI's but we figure that it cant hurt. especially since this is my last shot.

in other news, i received a letter in the mail from my insurance company saying that they are going to help cover some of the $990 bill for anesthesia. not all of it, but most of it. needless to say, im very happy.

in totally unrelated news, we recently watched the film Hard Candy and loved it. if you haven't seen it yet, i highly recommend it.

WWIJD? (what would infertile jesus do)

2009-09-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

ug. im in a bad mood. *folding arms and pouting*

we had an appointment for yet another corn-dogging this morning and even though that alone is enough to put anyone in a bad mood, we also had a pretty annoying conversation with the nurse.

we are hoping for an insemination this month (my last attempt) but we havent figured out how to get the swimmers to this new doctor's office. we have one rogue vial left at the other doctor in denver and apparently no one can figure out how we can get it shipped to the new doctor, 60 miles away. so then, the nurse comes in today and we have the following interaction:

nurse: i just talked to the doctor and we have bad news.

NJ: ok.

nurse: since we cant verify the quality of the specimen that you have at the other doctor's office we cant in good conscience use it for an insemination. sorry.

NJ: wait, im confused. what do you mean?

nurse: well, the doctor said that we really have no way of knowing what happened with that vial or how it was processed or handled so it would be irresponsible for us to use it. so we cant.

NJ: how it was handled? its been sitting in storage at the other doctor's office.

nurse: i know...but we cant be sure how it was processed so we cant in good conscience use it.

NJ: but the vial cost us $600. we certainly cant just throw it away.

nurse: *fake sympathetic smile* i imagine this is difficult.

NJ: so you're telling me that the doctor will only use vials that come directly from a cryobank?

nurse: im not sure. you see, the thing is... we dont typically deal with things like this.

NJ: *seething. and silent*

"things like this"?? what like, GAY people? ooohhh, did the gays throw a monkey wrench into your heteronormative medical procedures?

*deep breath*

so then, she also said that i have to go back for yet another corn-dogging on monday! WTF?! 3 ultrasounds in one month! im not katie holmes!!

im just so done with this whole process. its hard to make major decisions that involve major amounts of money when you don't really know if what they are telling you is legit. do i need 3 ultrasounds within 10 days? *shrug* how the hell am i supposed to know?! so there we are, forking over $300 for each one, not knowing if this is just some dumb protocol that helps pad their wallets!

and the other shitty thing is that i still cant completely shake the fears from the homophobic rumors. i want to believe that they are only rumors...but in the back of my mind i cant help but wonder. and i feel like i have to be on my best behavior and not challenge the system too much (which is nearly impossible for me) because otherwise their homophobia will cause them to screw us over. i know, i know... people arent that vindictive and im overreacting and i should learn to trust people more and and and... but when you have thousands of dollars on the line, its silly to not do everything you can to ensure success. its strange to be sitting in a doctor's office worrying about how likable you are and making sure that you try to do and say the right things so they will like you enough to not screw you over. i feel like im at some dating service trying to impress the staff so they will hook me up with a hottie.

and the other thing that kinda bugs me about this doctor is their facilities. i told NM that every time we go there i feel like i go back in time to the 70's. the walls have wood paneling and you can see the dust that has settled in between the panels. there are hand towels (yes, like actual towels) in the bathroom for people to dry their hands on. (is that even sanitary?!?!) and i swear they have the exact same pillow cases as my grandmother! you know how most doctors will use plain white pillow cases and then pull the paper over the top of the pillow? well not these guys. you have to lay your head on the same nasty ass pillowcase as who knows how many other women. laying on the table makes me feel like i went back in time 40 years and im in some guy's living room asking for an abortion!

we left the appointment and went home to do the third shot of follistim and i got this overwhelming feeling of relief that this will be my last time going through this madness. after taking the summer off from TTC i was excited to be back in the process again... but each passing day and each irritating experience and each bruise on my belly from the shots, seems to leave me feeling less tolerant of putting myself through this mess. enough is enough. we will go into this cycle with a positive attitude, zero expectations and lots of hope. and although i know that a failure this time will be sad and heavy and hard to recover from... in a small way, it will feel very freeing to be done putting my body through this.

those who cant birth, bake.

2009-09-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

i love baking. if given my choice, i would spend all day, everyday baking.

i spent this past weekend working on my never-ending-thesis and baking two new recipes. the first recipe was one for jam thumbprint cookies. a few weekends ago we decided to can tomatoes and peach jam with some friends and like total amateurs, we bought WAY too many peaches and ended up with over 6 gallons of peach jam (not kidding). so, in search of a new recipe that would allow me to use up some of that jam, i made THESE cookies. they were pretty much the bomb.com.

the other recipe i attempted came from bakerella. i have wanted to make her famous cupcake balls for a while now but never had the courage. until this weekend. in another total lapse of judgement i also decided to try her cupcake pops. needless to say, mine didnt turn out nearly as good as hers.

i think my main problem was the thickness of the chocolate coating which didnt allow for much detail. anywhoo... im sure it takes a few attempts so ill try them again at some point.

this weekend also included a special little package on my doorstep.

......................drum roll..................................

three cheers for fertility meds!!

*deep game show voice* that's right folks, we have here 3 doses of follistim, 6 needles and an hsg shot.

but wait... there's more! just when you thought this offer couldnt get more exciting, there was one more thing in the box.....

....................drum roll..............................

a $432.00 bill!! *crowd goes wild*

*sigh*

at least we got one of those cool freezer packs out of the deal.

what part of "im from new jersey" dont you understand?

2009-09-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

first order of business is to report that i successfully survived my first CD2 corn-dogging experience.

second order of business is to explain what the hell i mean by "corn-dogging". i have received a couple of emails asking what the heck i am talking about. yet another example that the thoughts in my head dont necessarily translate well to the outside world. allow me to explain...

*clearing my throat*

when infertile sally wants to have a baby she will most likely have to undergo many ultrasounds to check her innards. the method of said ultrasounds is not the typical goop-on-the-belly ultrasound like is seen in most movies when an already pregnant woman goes in for an ultrasound. oh no my friend...sally gets the pleasure of enduring the "internal wand probe" which, much like it sounds, is essentially a giant dildo-thing with an ultrasound camera on the end. so...when sally is in the process of receiving said "internal wand probe" ultrasound it is not uncommon for her to feel like a human corn-dog. there you have it.

third order if business is to share that yet another medical practitioner commented on how "easy" i am. what the hell!?!?! if you remember from THIS post, apparently i am "easy" to perform an insemination on. well this morning we had the following conversation with our ultrasound technician:

ultrasound tech: wow. you're so easy!

corn-dog me: um... excuse me?

ultrasound tech: its so easy to find your ovaries on the screen. i love giving ultrasounds to you because typically women aren't this easy.

*sigh*

if only i had a dollar for every time i heard that.

thoughts on money and getting corn-dogged

2009-09-09T14:16:00.000-07:00

*heavy sigh*

so... i called the RE to tell them that its CD1 and they called back with excited energy and a plan for the next few weeks. yay!

step one: baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning (it will be my first corn-dogging experience that early in the cycle. um... fun.)

step two: start clomid on CD 3. stop clomid on CD 7

step three: follistim 150 on CD 8, 9 & 10

step four: second ultrasound on CD 10

sounds exciting, right? ok, aside from CD2 corn-dogging....it sounds like a great plan, no?

*sigh*

what started as excitement about being back on the insemination horse quickly morphed into a panic attack about how the hell we are gonna pay for this.

step one = $300

step two = $40

step three = $125 per shot for a total of $375

step four = $300

for a total of $1,015. and that's not including the cost of new swimmers and the inseminations. new swimmers will cost us $2,570 (after we use our $1000 credit at CCB), shipping will be $200 and then we still have one rogue vial at the old doctor that we will have to spend $125 to get shipped to the new doctor. then each insemination costs around $200.

so... the grand total for getting back on the horse will be.... *drum roll*.....$4,310.

*dry heave*

how the hell can i justify spending this kind of money? that is more money than i get paid to teach an entire course for the entire semester! it makes me so frustrated... and sad. *sigh*

and you know, i fully understand that we...as a non-hetero unit...are gonna have to face some additional challenges when it comes to getting prego. i mean after all, we are going against mother nature's plan and all that jazz. i get it.

so im totally ok with the notion that we might have to deal with doctors or pay more money to get knocked up. im certainly not advocating for free sperm dispensers on every corner. (although, i wouldn't fight anyone who attempted to get such a system implemented). what is so annoying to me is the grandness of the bills... the shear enormity of the cost...and that it isn't applied to everyone the same, across the board.

for example, if we lived in massachusetts, much of these costs would be covered by insurance. then, after a certain number of attempts, the entire bill would be covered... even up to IVF! its a trip for me to read posts written by women living in mass who are sad because they are "getting down to only a few more IUI attempts before they will switch to IVF because its free". um....what?? dont get me wrong, i fully understand and support folks for feeling sad because they aren't getting prego the new-old-fashioned way with IUI. IVF is painful and long and pretty invasive. but shit... at least folks have the opportunity to take that next step! for less than $30,000!

i think two things are bugging me right now.

1. if folks in other states have a policy that saves them THOUSANDS of dollars then for god's sake we should all have access to that same option. its not like NM and i live in some backwards country where gays cant get married...err, wait. you get the point.

2. and.... its so frustrating to make a decision and then immediately second guess our decision. we have talked sooooo many times and for soooo long about whether we should just stop now and move towards adoption but in the end we want to experience the process of pregnancy as a family and the process of birth together as a family. so we make the decision to try again and then one conversation later im back to feeling sick and scared and discouraged. not to mention the fact that im one day into my period (read: emotional) and im not really looking forward to getting corn-dogged tomorrow at the doctor.

so, in closing... im kicking rocks right now. not boo-hoo for me because im gay and we can get prego. more like boo-hoo for me because we cant afford to even try.

singing i know... all there.... is to know.... about the waiting game.

2009-09-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

well, i finally took the leap.

i called the adoption agency and told them to put us on the waiting list. technically its the "waiting-for-the-waiting-list" waiting list...pero, its still a step.

the woman on the phone said that there are currently 25 couples on the "inactive" waiting list. those folks are waiting to be put on the "active" waiting list which consists of 30 couples. so...they have like 60 babies to place before we will see any action.

she estimated that we would spend 5 months on the "inactive" list before joining the "active" list. once we get to the "active" list, we get to hurry up and wait some more until we are chosen by a birth mom. this can take anywhere from 2 months to years.

in other news, today is CD1 and i called our RE to tell them that we are back in the race. we shall see what they say when the nurse calls me back. im excited to start trying again...especially with the non-homophobe doctor up the street. i certainly wont miss those long drives 3 times a month!

he's no marky mark but he's still quite a looker.

2009-08-31T09:49:00.000-07:00

ok, let me just say that i totally heart california cryobank's new "celebrity lookalike" feature. prior to this feature we had to rely on some random staff person to describe in vague terms what the donors look like:

CCB staff: um...he has dark hair and dark eyes and his ears are kinda long

NJ: ok...im feeling creeped out because that description sounds exactly like my dad!

but now each donor's package comes...err, bad choice of words...lets try this again. now, each donor's profile contains a few celebrities that staff at CCB claim the donor resembles. so far in our process we have had 2 donors. the first donor is described to look like these three men:

1. John Leguizamo.....

2. Mariano Rivera......

and.... 3. John Secada.

JOHN SECADA?? um no offense to my mom but he is so not hot! im sure there are countless (ok, maybe 5) women who would count "having john secada's baby" on their list of life goals but come on! also, im not discounting how talented, down to earth and all around lovely john secada might be. but who wants a "lovely" donor??

not us. we want hot.

so...here is what the cryobank says our new donor looks like:

1. Cillian Murphy.

ok, so the photo on the right looks slightly boy-band which would make me mary kay letourneau... but do away with the wispy teenage hair cut and wow. he's a looker.

2. Olivier Martinez.

ok, i realize that the photo on the right looks like it was taken off of the cover of a romantic novel but still.... he's hot.

3. Rafael Marquez.

i have no idea who this dude is (im guessing soccer?) but he's pretty easy to look at. at the very least, he would certainly beat john secada's ass in a "who would you rather have sire your children?" contest.

the wind beneath my pee...

2009-08-28T14:01:00.001-07:00

one day NM and i were visiting some friends when one of them shared that her friend had a friend who had a friend that didn't use diapers on her kids. at first i was puzzled by the statement and sought clarification:

NJ: oh you mean like she didn't use disposables?

Friend of a Friend of a Friend: no, i mean that she didn't use diapers.

NJ: wait... like she used towels or something? i don't understand.

Friend of a Friend of a Friend: no... she didn't use anything. like as in...nothing.

NJ: blasphemy! i don't believe it.

well... leave it to lovable childhood actress Blossom to prove me wrong. apparently this practice is called "elimination communication" and it means that parents don't use diapers. period.

much like having a new puppy, i suppose the parents pay attention to cues given off by the newborn and to timing (newborns pee every 10-20 minutes?). woah...sounds intense.

anywho... here is Blossom talking about her parenting techniques. i found this link on yahoo news and the title of the headline read "Child Star Blossom's Controversial Parenting Techniques". after watching the video i think that "controversial" is a bit strong. i hear "controversial" and think spanking or maybe letting the dog babysit... but to me, not using diapers falls more into the "strange things that other people do with their kids" category.

*shrug*

CLICK HERE FOR BLOSSOM VIDEO

yay!! an honest scrap award!!

2009-08-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

wow... how cool?! Gaybie Rabies awarded me with the Honest Scrap Award...TIGHT! for those of you who haven't checked out her site, you must stop reading this and go there. now. the other day my best friend was talking about the possibility of having multiples as a result of clomid. she said, "well sometimes i wonder if it would be totally weird to keep one of the babies and then put the other one up for adoption". we agreed that it would be weird but i share this story now because sometimes i think that gaybie rabies is my twin sister separated at birth. i gotta call my mother ask if she ever took clomid!.

ok, here are the rules of this award:

1. link back to the blog that awarded you

2. extend the honor to 10 of your favorite blogs

3. list 10 honest things about yourself

so... in no particular order...here are my Honest Scrap Award Recipients!

1. eeeny meeny miney mommy ...i heart this blog because poppy has a way of making day-to-day interactions humorous and fun to read about. basically she allows us to get joy out of her gripes. plus, she has a fear of spiders that is comparable to my fear of bees.

2. Soulemama... i cant decide if i want to be the mom on this blog or the kids! soulemama is always full of awesome photos and their family looks like they have lots of fun.

3. eat poop love... carrie and becky are finally pregos...and with twins! *crowd cheers* carrie has some great posts about their process but i mostly love this blog because it has such great and positive energy.

4. are we there yet?... ok, this blog holds a special place in my TTC heart because it was my first official entry to the blogging community. one day while monitoring every single twinge in my body (during TTWW) i googled "symptoms 7 days post IUI" and found this post. i loved every word of it and ended up spending hours checking out her page and the links posted on it. eventually i decided to start my own so i have to credit "are we there yet" for introducing me to the wonderful world of blogging.

5. bakerella... those who know me know that i love love love to bake. one of the great things about working on a college campus is that there are always plenty of hungry mouths to feed in my office! this site has AWESOME recipes that range from complicated to super easy. i recently made THESE brownies and they were so easy and came out great. this isnt a TTC blog but its a great way to take your mind off of TTC.

6. margaret & helen...i have already shared how much i love this blog. go here and read why.

7. bulgy the blog... gotta show some love for a two-dad blog. these folks dont post very often but when they do its a hoot!

8. insert metaphor...another great blog that i go to when i need to feel like im not crazy or alone in this madness of TTC. plus, they met on the east coast so you know they gots to be coo!

9. dooce... i loved her book and can always count on a laugh whenever i visit her blog.

10. metal stork... last but certainly not least, metal stork is another great blog about TTC with lots of non-TTC related fun as well. they are also about to move from NM (the state, not my NM) to boston which kinda makes me hate them a little because i know ill never get NM (my NM, not the state) to move that far away from NM (the state, not my NM). whew...confusing!

and *drum roll* in no particular order...here are 10 honest things about myself....

1. in high school i dated the captain of the football team (you can read about him in here and here), was homecoming and prom queen (2 years in a row) and was the captain of the cheerleading squad (think bring it on...but worse). luckily i went to college and liberated myself. now im a big ol 'mo workin to take down "the man" and his patriarchal system.

*grabbin my crotch and spitting*

2. i have an irrational fear of bees that i inherited from my mother. i also inherited her inability to stick with one job for longer than 2 years. in her life she has been a singer, a school principle, a motivational speaker, a loan officer, a sales woman, a teacher for students with special needs and an entrepreneur. in my life i have been a sales person (i wasnt good at it), a waitress (i was even WORSE at that), a dog trainer, a baker, a photographer, a graphic designer, a cashier (my favorite so far) and now a college instructor.

3. i cant find a sports bra to fit my 36DD's. i dont understand why women with tiny boobs have 928,394 sports bras to choose from but those of us who actually need them cant find ONE!

4. i have lots of pet peeves but one of my biggest is when people get free sample rage. FSR occurs in grocery stores or wholesale clubs when people get so excited at the sight of a free dorito that they lose all awareness of the world around them and practically run you over in their pursuit of said dorito. chill out people...it will be there whether or not you run my toes over in the process.

5. i am technically bisexual. *gasp!* yes, sorry to disappoint the gold star lesbos out there but i have dabbled in the men folk and didnt hate every second of it. given that the vast majority of (straight) men are no good perpetrators, im very pleased to wake up every morning next to another set of boobs.

6. if allowed, i could eat bagels with cream cheese and coffee for 3 meals a day, every day.

7. although this might totally jinx me...i must report that i have never been happier or more emotionally stable in all of my adult life. im in a fantastic relationship with the coolest woman on the planet and our life together makes all the bad stuff feel like ancient history.

8. the highest math class i have ever taken was algebra II in high school. i managed to work the system in college so that my art history classes could count for my foundation credits. this means that im awesome at working the system and that im kinda dumb when it comes to numbers.

9. i dont make friends easily.

10. one of my life long dreams is to spend a year traveling with cirque du soleil.

excuse me...posing like a body builder....could you tell me where the gym is?

2009-08-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

i went running this morning for the first time in over 4 years and it felt great!

by "great" i mean that i pretty much hated every second of it and felt like i was gonna puke the whole time... but beyond the physical reminder of how totally out of shape i am, it felt great.

my old workout goal was all about getting my body in shape for baby making but now my new goal is to get myself in shape so i can go to another water aerobics class and show those old people how its done!!!

the "tails" of a self mutilating dog.

2009-08-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

*deep breath*
(why do so many of my posts start this way??)

so NM and i have been taking a break from TTC for a few months now. at first the break was an attempt to give my body (and my emotions) a much needed respite from tryin' to get knocked up. we had planned to start trying again in august...yes, the same august that is about to be over in 6 days...but our "let-NJ's-ovaries-have-a-break" break has now turned into a "let-us-pay-off-some-TTC-debt" break. and quite frankly, its pissing me off.

i recently received a bill from our old RE for almost $400 for ultrasounds and office visits that occurred in february. february??!! as it turns out, our insurance had a "delay in processing claims" so all the shit that we thought was being covered by insurance, wasnt. great.

and then, in addition, im still responsible for the $990 anesthesia bill from the hepatitis surgery in february! (oh, forgot to update and say that my test came back negative. my negative result has left me happy and sad at the same time. im sad because now we cant use my sue-the-hospital-for-millions-and-use-the-money-to-finance-TTC plan but im happy cuz...well, cuz i dont have hepatitis. lol. all joking aside, im super lucky. the current count says that the crack head nurse infected 27 people!!)

i digress...

between the stupid unfair ridiculous $990 anesthesia bill and the daily influx of late medical bills from our old RE, we have had to put everything on hold. again. *folding arms and pouting*.

i have heard many (straight) people say "there is never enough time or money to have kids so dont wait!" but that's easy to say when its essentially FREE to get knocked up! as many of you know, most RE's require payment on the day of service so it presents a slight problem when you dont have the funds to pay.

it also presents a slight problem when you dont have daily access to free sperm. when i think about the cost of a vial of sperm.... i swear, the person (most likely a man) who invented sperm banks was a true capitalist... step one: get men to come to the office and pay them $75 bucks to do what they are already doing at home for free. step 2: split each load into 10 vials and sell each vial for $600. step 3: sell these vials to desperate lesbos who dont have daily access to free sperm. holy crap they must make bank!

since we only have one vial left we need to buy another 6 pack which also requires money that we dont have. then, to top it off, our dog gully...

...decided to practically chew her tail off the other day which resulted in a $550 vet bill! she is fine now and the 9 pills that she has to take everyday seem to be helping her tail heal. i swear it was just a conspiracy to prevent us from having a kid which would inevitably interfere with the level of attention she receives. damn self mutilating dog!

in lighter news i heard the following joke the other day and thought i would pass it along...

how many TTC lesbos does it take to screw in a light bulb?

wait for it.....

wait for it....

screw in a light bulb??...hey, do you think it might help??

ba-dump-bump. im here all week.

as it turns out, i have twins.

2009-08-23T15:29:00.000-07:00

i heard that my ex-boyfriend (the one from high school who i mentioned in THIS post) just had twin boys. typically this would be an occasion to offer congrats but here is a recap of our conversation which occurred via text:

NJ: hey...i see on facebook that your sister is holding 2 babies. the caption says they are her "new nephews". did you have a couple kids since we last spoke a month ago??

the ex: yeah...as it turns out, i have twins.

NJ: as it turns out? what does that mean? and how come you didnt mention the fact that you were expecting?

the ex: well i didnt know. we just got the paternity test back and it turns out they are my boys.

*deep breath*

i swear.

if i hear.

about one more person.

having a kid.

that they weren't intentionally trying to have....

am.

going.

to.

scream!!!!!!

i survived surgery and a crack-head nurse and all i have to show for it is this $990 bill.

2009-08-20T09:57:00.000-07:00

as you might remember from THIS post, i had surgery not too long ago and was exposed to hepatitis C from a crack head nurse who was swapping her dirty, saline-filled syringes with clean medication-filled ones. not only was this causing surgery patients great pain since they were essentially left with no pain medication, but she was also exposing people to hepatitis C.

the hospital sent me a certified letter saying that i had to go get tested. as i wait for my results, i have come up with a plan to sue the hospital for millions of dollars and use that money to finance IVF. muah-ha-ha (evil laugh). the only major flaw in this plan of course is the fact that i will have to test positive for a disease that will slowly kill me. damn it!

another minor flaw in this plan is that even if i did win settlement money i will most likely have to use it on the anesthesia bill from the surgery! WTF?? allow me to explain....

i got a bill for $990 in the mail from some doctor that i didnt recognize. we will call him Dr. Stranger. i called the number listed on the bill and had the following conversation with brittney, the unhappy worker at dr. stranger's office.

NJ: hi, i received a bill from this office but i am not a patient of dr. stranger.
brittney: did you recently have surgery?
NJ: yes.
brittney: he was your anesthesiologist
NJ: huh?
brittney: *starting to get irritated* dr. stranger is an anesthesiologist. if you recently had surgery then the bill you received is for his services.
NJ: but my surgery was covered by my insurance.
brittney: do you have blue cross?
NJ: yes.
brittney: dr. stranger isnt covered by blue cross so you have to pay.
NJ: ok, ill call my insurance and see.
brittney: fine. but im telling you that he isnt covered. and you have to pay.

as it turns out, brittney was right. i called blue cross and had the following conversation with sean, the unhappy worker at blue cross.

NJ: hi, i recently had surgery that was pre-approved by insurance but i just got a bill from someone who claims that they were my anesthesiologist and they arent covered by blue cross.
sean: could you repeat your member number?
NJ: *repeating my member number*...im just concerned because this is a pretty expensive bill.
sean: could you repeat your zip code?
NJ: *repeating my zip code*... and my doctor told me that the surgery was covered so....
sean: could you repeat your home address?
NJ: *resisting the urge to say, "what is the point of having automated answering service where we have to type all of this information into the system if you're just gonna ask me to repeat it all again!?!?!?!!?"*
NJ: *repeating my home address*
sean: ok, yup...it looks like he isnt covered.
NJ: and....?
sean: so you have to pay the bill.
NJ: but my doctor said the surgery was pre-approved!
sean: that doesnt necessarily include anesthesia.
NJ: excuse me? are you saying that i could have opted for surgery without anaesthesia?
sean: no but as the patient it is your responsibility to make sure that everyone involved with the surgery is covered by blue cross.
NJ: how the hell am i supposed to know who is involved in the surgery?! for all i know there is some random scrub nurse (or as time would tell, a crack head nurse) who isnt covered!
sean: ma'am, obviously every surgery involves an anesthesiologist.
NJ: obviously the insurance industry sucks! (i didnt really say that... but i wanted to really badly)

so... here i sit trying to figure out how to pay almost $1000 for a surgery that might have given me hepatitis C.

*shaking my head*

i aint a religious person but i believe there is a special place in hell reserved for crack head nurses and insurance agents.

the woes of a barren lesbo... si se puede!

the woes of saying goodbye...

a baby and two blisters on my toes.

baby rolls and tiny toes

he's here!!!

because of course we have to wait.

Positive Adoption Language - PAL

thoughts on nesting

"you had a baby, bob. its a girl and we named her brenda." -la bamba

the boy's first paparazzi shot!

and then jersey punched her computer screen...

"congrats! wanna hear a nightmare adoption story?"

let the roller coaster begin!

the apprentice

pssst.....

Challenge 9, 10 & 12

example #495 of NJ public school education

Contrast: fun with street photography in vegas

how cool!?

30 day challenge 6, 7 & 8

viva las vegas

30-day challenge post #5: things you want to say to an ex

30-day challege day 4 - bullet your whole day

30-day challenge post #3- books!

30 day challenge #2 - the post where i lose all my straight friends

30-day challenge post #1- winning my heart in 5 easy steps

peer pressure is a mother-father

and here's a shock...its time to pay more money.

the call about twins.

*tap tap tap* ...is this thing on?

thoughts on ego and guilt

jesus loves chode

thoughts on approval, warren g and brass knuckles

snookie + bjork = Jersey as a mom.

the post where i whine about making a portfolio

"i love gay people but...."

reason #485 why homophobia sucks

remember that one time when i called our caseworker a racist missionary?

let go and let god.

thoughts on god

aaaallll aboard... next stop, adoption town!

jump on board the roller coaster

sometimes, being gay is annoying.

i have never....

i am woman, hear me _ O _ _!

like a paper cut between my fingers

fun with the 2009 target catalog

life is good.

wouldnt you like to be a goddess too?

little pink soldiers in my downstairs

sad.

*southern accent*... "a dingo with H1N1 killed my baybeee!"

really? i mean come ON!!!!

the not-so-terrible two week wait.

belly full o' swimmers

im not crazy, im just on fertility meds!

ovary watch- 2009

WWIJD? (what would infertile jesus do)

those who cant birth, bake.

what part of "im from new jersey" dont you understand?

thoughts on money and getting corn-dogged

*singing* i know... all there.... is to know.... about the waiting game.

he's no marky mark but he's still quite a looker.

the wind beneath my pee...

yay!! an honest scrap award!!

excuse me...*posing like a body builder*....could you tell me where the gym is?

the "tails" of a self mutilating dog.

as it turns out, i have twins.

i survived surgery and a crack-head nurse and all i have to show for it is this $990 bill.

tap tap tap ...is this thing on?

southern accent... "a dingo with H1N1 killed my baybeee!"

singing i know... all there.... is to know.... about the waiting game.

excuse me...posing like a body builder....could you tell me where the gym is?