Thursday, October 6, 2011

the woes of saying goodbye...

after much thought, i have decided to bring the woes of a barren lesbo to an end. i have not come to this decision easily... in many ways, this blog has been my substitute baby for the last 3 years. i have loved it, nurtured it and spent countless sleepless hours contributing to its growth.

i have decided to start another blog (a quest called family) that more accurately captures my newest life path. one of the reasons i am shifting to a new blog is out of respect for those who are still fightin the good fight with TTC. i remember first finding the TTC blogging community and feeling for the first time like i wasnt alone. so often i would stumble on a great TTC blog post about struggling to get prego and then as i clicked on other posts, realize that the majority of the recent posts contained baby pictures and stories about parenthood. i would feel sad and frustrated... like the only kid who wasnt being picked for the kickball team.

now that i have secured my very own kickball team uniform, i dont want to taint the "woefulness" of this blog. i want it to remain a space where other folks can come and vent, grumble (and hopefully laugh) at how shitty TTC can be.

im not dismantling the blog and will be sure to post any TTC related references i stumble across.

in the meantime, i want to thank all of the fabulous blogger folks out there who take the time and energy to share little bits of your hearts and minds for the world to see. im proud and honored to have shared this part of our journey with you all and thank you for making the bumps along the road a little more bearable.

in solidarity....

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

a baby and two blisters on my toes.

holy crap...  i wanna start this post off by sending a huge shout out to everyone who has sent messages of love and congrats. it felt like a big ol' cyber hug. *smile* serio, its been wonderful feeling so supported by my blog peeps.

theres lots of stuff that i want to get documented so i guess ill just dive right in.

tuesday 8/30 - 1:30 pm
i was chillin at work when the caseworker called. "she is officially in labor. you're having a baby today." i tried my best to resist the urge to sprint immediately to the hospital as she gave me more details. "birthmom is 4 centimeters dilated and is about to get an epidural. the epidural will most likely slow down labor so there is no need to come to the hospital just yet. you could probably finish out the day at work, get some dinner and then head over to the hospital".

i hung up with the caseworker and called NM...
NM: hello?
me: *southern accent* daddy, its time. (steel magnolia reference, anyone?)
NM: time for what?
me: *exasperated sigh* babe. its like time.

1:45 - NM and i walk to a friends office on campus to tell her the news.

2:00 - chatting it up with our friend... talking about random stuff like what to wear to the hospital, when we might want a food delivery, etc. when i realize i have a voicemail.

Voicemail = "jersey, this is your caseworker. birthmom is currently being wheeled into the operating room for an emergency c-section! you need to get to the hospital as fast as you can!!"

now, on a side note... NM has a friend who delivers babies for a living (i cant think of the official doctor word for that job right now. im running on fumes these days.). anywho, this friend claims that she can complete a c-section in 17 minutes. with this knowledge in mind, NM and i start RACING across campus to get to the car. naturally i had to pick this day to wear my super cute snooki leopard print flats. i could feel them digging into my pinkie toes with each stomp. i thought about taking them off but could totally hear NM in my head saying, "ew. why do white people always walk around bear-foot?!"

so... we got to the car and began the 3 mile journey to the hospital. i was tempted to start the text/phone chain but NM looked at me and said, "lets just be present in this moment together." it was crazy to think that the next time we would ride in our car, there would be a tiny human in the back seat.

2:25 - we arrive at the hospital and race up the elevator. as we make the turn into the hallway leading to the maternity ward, a nurse walks out of the operating room with a baby in her hands.
she yells down the hallway:"are you jersey and NM??"
me and NM: "yes!"
nurse: "well come meet your baby!"

we made it just in time. *smile*

the nurse escorted us to the nursery where they began to clean the little dude up. he was screaming his little head off and full of life. as it turns out, the umbilical cord was on top of his head so every time the birthmom pushed, it would cut off his flow. at some point they lost the heartbeat so they decided to go in. he was pretty far wedged into the birth canal so they had to use the vacuum to get him out. poor little guy had some pretty bad bruising and raw skin on his head.

luckily our hospital is pretty adoption-friendly so the nursing staff was supportive of us as parents. the only hiccup came when it was time to put on the baby lojack bracelets that prevent anyone from stealing him. our birthmom said ahead of time that she did not want a bracelet. that would mean that NM and i would both get to have one. the nurse said that they had already put one of the bracelets on the birhmom while she was knocked out in surgery and it couldnt be changed. apparently hospital policy dictates that the birthmom always have one of the bracelets.

i wasnt too concerned about me and NM... one bracelet would be fine since we were pretty dead seat against separating while in the hospital. i felt bad for the birthmom though. she had clearly indicated that she didnt want to know anything about the baby or have anything that would remind her of the baby and then they go tying a giant nursery bracelet on her when she is passed out.

we spent the first hour of the boy's life with him in the nursery. he had an IMMEDIATE sucking reflex and since his head was super sore, the nurses gave him a pacifier to help him self-soothe. it worked immediately. he ate a full meal and got a bath before being wheeled into our room.

since we werent admitted patients in the hospital, we coudlnt exactly get a free room to crash in. there are a bunch of adoptive parents on the nursing staff so as a group they have collectively done quite a bit to make the hospital adoption-friendly. they set us up in a room called the "sun room" which was essentially a large conference room with a tv and pull out sofas. the hospital provides that room for free to allow adoptive parents to spend the night with thier new baby. it was so awesome to have the opportunity to have a private space to spend 2 nights with him rather than being stuck in a waiting room or being forced to go home overnight.

while we were in the sunroom we had the opportunity to meet birthmom's father... our boy's birth grandfather. birthmom wanted someone to meet the boy but wasnt up for meeting him herself. she asked her father to meet him (and us). it was a very emotional meeting... something straight out of lifetime tv... and we all cried. he held the boy and said that he looked like his daughter. he thanked us and said that his daughter felt at peace as soon as she found our profile. it was a beautiful moment shared between us all... ill write more about it in a later post. in the meantime... i have a diaper to change!!