like a paper cut between my fingers

i spent saturday afternoon at my first baby shower since the end of my TTC journey and all i can say is....woah. i have read other people's posts about how painful these events can be for folks who are struggling to get prego but good LORD... it felt i had given myself 10,000 paper cuts and then jumped into a giant vat of my own salty tears.

i should start by saying that the baby shower was awesome... it was co-ed, the food was great, the games were fun, the mom-to-be looked amazing, the dad-to-be was attentive and sweet, the rest of the guests were charming and fun to be around. if i weren’t such a barren, barren lesbo, i would have thought that the whole event was amazing. i should also say that i am TOTALLY happy for the expectant couple and i totally dig them as friends. so, this grumpy-bitter-woe-is-me diatribe has nothing to do with them or how happy i am for them.

ok, having gotten the formalities out of the way, let me get back to....

holy SHIT, that was painful!

not only were there images of babies everywhere (baby toys, baby shaped confetti, baby paper plates, baby napkins, baby wall decorations and even a handful of actual live babies) but even harder was that every friggin conversation was also about... you guessed it, babies!!

i stood in line for food between the mom-to-be and another pregnant lady and like a game of barren-monkey-in-the-middle, i bobbed and weaved between updates about the latest in maternity pants and anecdotes about supportive/unsupportive dads-to-be.

when the mom-to-be was opening gifts i found myself entranced again by "the belly". (see THIS post about belly dodging in the supermarket). NM was all, "babe, what are you looking at?" and i didn’t answer because i was transfixed by "the belly"...locked into an almost comatose stare, mouth agape and all. so she tried again, "babe...helloooo?...can you hear me?" and i was all, "oh, sorry... im just reeeeally interested in the gifts. *cough, nervous laugh*" and she was all, "i can see that. you look like you’re watching a football game or something. at least close your mouth"

i managed to dodge most of the fun baby themed games, much to the dismay of the first person who greeted me when i walked through the door.

baby shower attendee: here... *pushing a giant roll of crepe paper towards me* make a guess!
me: *reaching for my mace* err, make a guess about what?
baby shower attendee: you know silly, how big her belly is! rip off a piece of crepe paper that you think will fit perfectly around her belly.
me: that’s ok, ill pass.
baby shower attendee: you cant pass, everyone has to do it.
me: no, everyone doesn’t have to do it. so ill pass.
baby shower attendee: don’t be a party-pooper... take a piece of crepe paper!

(at this point a "glimpse-into-the-future" bubble appears over my head. i begin to envision the end of the game when all the women line up to wrap their "crepe paper guess" around the belly of the mom-to-be while the rest of the room cackles and laughs at how long -and thus way off- the guesses are. i can picture myself at the front of the line as i approach "the belly", i bend down and put my cheek against it, wrap my arms around the belly's mom and pull the crepe paper taut. i pull and pull at the crepe paper but i soon realize that i don’t even have enough to go half way around her. suddenly there is a *gasp* in the crowd and someone yells, "is to too short??" *sounds of shock in the audience* "but... nobody EVER takes too short of a piece. what’s WRONG with you?!", at which point i stand up and scream at the top of my lungs..."im a barren lesbo! how the HELL am i supposed to know how to accurately guess the size of a pregnant belly?!" *sobbing and exiting stage left*

baby shower attendee: helloo.... are you gonna take some, or what?

*glimpse-into-the-future bubble pops*

me: *gritting my teeth* i swear. you better. get that paper. outta my FACE!!! i already told you that I AINT PLAYING!

aaand...scene.

the only other game i had to participate in occurred while i was innocently eating my lunch at one of the round party tables. the center of the table had lots of yummy cookies, baby confetti sprinkled on the tablecloth and little plastic baby bottles with nuts and candies inside. one of the hosts asked everyone to grab a plastic bottle. we did. then she said, "now look inside and see if there is a baby!". i opened up my bottle and poured the contents out onto the table...frantically searching for a plastic baby. im sure the woman across from me was thinking, "man, she must really want that prize" but in that moment all i could think was, "find the baby. find the baby."

suddenly i heard yelling and cheering as the "winners" proudly held their plastic babies in the air. i looked down at my pile of nuts and candy and realized that my baby bottle party favor was a sad sad representation of my barren barren womb... empty.

*begin violin music*

fun with the 2009 target catalog

omg... my besties gave me a copy of the target toy catalog for 2009 and pointed out the front cover.

at first i thought it was just your typical run of the mill gender socialization propaganda...

white girl on the cover? check.

is she wearing pink? check.

is she wearing a tiara? check.

is she wearing a tutu? check.

is the tutu pink? check.

is she smiling? check.

is she playing with barbie? check.

is there a little boy in the image? check.

is he doing one of the following: making a mess, eating something or expressing anger? check.

ok, the basics are covered.

but upon further inspection, i realize that the barbie is holding Lego flowers.... and...wait a minute...are those church bells i see?! is that a priest/pastor/bishop/knight/pawn getting ready to perform a marriage?! (clearly i know very little about church officials...or the game of chess)

holy shit... that little boy isnt just upset because she is playing with his (read: a boy's) toy... he is mad because she is marrying them!

so not only do we have an image of a smiling white girl wearing a pink tutu and tiara playing with barbie while a little boy is expressing anger...but we can add heteronormative relationships and male aversion to marriage to the list. yay! the only things missing are caption bubbles:

as a silver lining i like to look at this image and imagine that the little boy is upset for other reasons...

or maybe the little boy is a radical activist:

the idea of the little boy being a big ol' queer or a radical activist was quickly squelched when i turned the page to find the following images....

page 18...

page 21...

*sigh*

thank god im barren and dont have to deal with toy catalogs.

life is good.

10 thangs i dig today. drum roll......

1. ginger molasses cookies from Pioneer Woman. i baked them last night and mmmm.... they turned out so good!

(these are not my cookies... i forgot to take a picture so i jacked this one from PW)

2. this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cZfzch8vDo

3. this one too. it makes me want to quit my job and make videos like this for a living.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=17543732


4. ugly thrift store dresses. i recently bought a dress for $3.00 that NM thought i was planning to wear for halloween. imagine her surprise when i walked into the kitchen the other morning wearing the dress, ready for work. in her defense, i think the dress technically is an actual costume of some sort but since i cant figure out what the costume might be, i say "fair game!".

5. the blog Sociological Images. they have some really cool stuff on this site. check it out.

6. my dogs.

maddox doing circus tricks with follistim.

Gully rolling her eyes at me.

7. the movie Hard Candy. if you haven't seen it yet, rent it. now.

8. this picture of my mom. she was pregnant with me. my halloween costume for this year was supposed to look similar to this. NM said it was "bad taste" for me (barren lesbo) to dress as a pregnant woman for halloween but i disagree. if people can dress up like witches and fairies...then i should be able to dress up as something equally as imaginative and unrealistic!

9. bjork. whats not to love?

10. public transportation.

wouldnt you like to be a goddess too?

*peeking my head out from under my rock*


so.....its been a while. my last failed cycle proved to be much more difficult to cope with than i had anticipated. i have logged on many times with the full intention of posting something new, but i end up staring blankly at the screen. i didn't realize how much this blog was tied to my process of TTC. i mean, i always knew that writing and reading other blogs helped me with my past failed cycles but now that i have experienced my last attempt to get prego, i am realizing that it is hard to separate this blog from my feelings of disappointment. those of you who have struggled to get prego....you know the panic that sets in when you find yourself at opposite ends of the same grocery store aisle with a big ol' pregnant belly? even though the belly is undoubtedly attached to a human female person, all you see coming your way is a lush, fully functioning womb. your heartbeat races and you begin to have the internal dialogue that sounds something like this:
ok.
there is a pregnant belly
coming this way.
take a deep breath.
pay
attention
to the sale items.
dont stare at the belly
the lady attached will think you are strange
dont
stare
dont
stare
look at the cake mix
count the different types of icing
1- chocolate, 2- vanilla, 3- cream cheese
anything to
keep your eyes
off of
the
belly.

*sigh*

well that's kind of what this blog has started to feel like. i have spent so many hours day-dreaming about the days when i could post a photo of a BFP prego stick, or an updated photo from ultrasounds or a belly shot of my own. but, since i wont have that experience, i think i had to step away from this blog and heal a little.


i want to say thank you so much to all of you who posted such wonderfully supportive (and funny!!) comments on my last few posts. i know its a total no-no to go this long without reciprocation but please know that im keeping up with all of your developments (both happy and sad) and am working to get back on the "how to be a good blog community member" horse again.


i dont really have much to update today. im still barren and the world still sucks sometimes. NM and i teach a class together and we recently had a panel of guests come in to talk about parenting. some panel members are the parents of teens and some have young kids. some identify as fathers, some as adoptive moms and some as bio moms. it was fascinating to hear the differences in parenting as connected to social identities like race, class, gender and sexual orientation. "sexual orientation".... i hate that word. it sounds so nautical or something. like my "orientation" could be plotted on some graph or something. *shrug*.

anyway, i digress....

one panel member talked pretty explicitly about her thoughts about being pregnant and child birth. she spoke so freely and it seemed like the mere reflection on the past experience of pregnancy still fills her with energy. she said that being pregnant and giving birth reinforced the notion that "women are goddesses". *nod* it was a super cool moment.

and.... it made me lose my breath. i welled up and felt like i couldn't breathe. i guess i just want to be a goddess too.

i have realized that some of the most difficult parts of coping with infertility are those unexpected moments where the wave of emotion totally sneaks up on you and knocks you on your ass. its like being clotheslined by a giant pregnant belly or something. it sucks and i kinda cant wait for this phase of the infertility grieving process to be over.

im currently not sure about what to do with this blog in the future. it has been such a great source of support for me but im not sure how to transition out of a TTC mode and into something else. if i cant transition it comfortably away from being a TTC blog, then maybe its time to close up shop and start something new. we shall see. in the meantime...thanks again for the wonderful support.

oh... a friend shared this post from get born magazine and i loved it. check it out.

word.

little pink soldiers in my downstairs

i have a theory that relates to my infertility. it goes a little something like this...

i am convinced that past trauma coupled with my current work with victims of sexual assault creates the most hostile womb in the world for anything male. I think that when the doctors inseminate me with sperm, my body goes into attack mode and kills them all.

“put on your pink helmets, girls…. There is a whole school of perpetrators swimming this way!!! Kill them!!!”.

*sigh*

it sounds silly… but after 9 inseminations, I cant think of any other reason.

sad.

ill warn my sister in law (and anyone else who reads this) that this post will most likely be a long one. feel free to skim to the summary paragraph if you want.

this morning i woke up at 5am with a ridiculous urge to pee. i was shocked to realize that i got my period. today is day 25 in my cycle. i typically get my period between days 28 & 31. not sure why the heck it is here a whole 3-6 days early.

NM is out of town for the weekend on a college visit tour with 20 of her high school students. i wanted to call her right away but was afraid that she would be in the middle of some meeting with the kids and would have to figure out a way to keep it together. i decided to wait until she gets home tomorrow night to tell her. then i decided that was a dumb idea. eventually, i sent her a text and asked her to call me when she gets a chance.

for me, telling NM about AF’s arrival is one of the hardest parts of the infertility roller coaster. i want so badly to give her the family that we have been working so hard to create… so no matter how many times she assures me that she is never disappointed in me, i still feel badly breaking the news to her.

as always, she took it like a champ. we both cried a little on the phone, she told me over and over how thankful she is for what i have gone through, told me it wasn’t anything i did wrong and said that she has faith in our future. can you see why i married this woman (twice!)?

my doctor told me to make sure to wait until at least 11 days after the insem to pee on a pregnancy test because the HCG shot can cause a false positive. since it is only 10 days post insem, i decided to pee on a stick in the hopes that it would read “pregnant”. even though i knew it would be a false positive, i still wanted so badly to have the experience of reading that word on a pee-stick. in the end, it read “not pregnant”. *sigh*

im supposed to be working on my graduate research paper today but i cant stop thinking about all this crap. i shift between feeling so terribly sad…. to feeling shocked…. to feeling angry. im not used to wanting something this bad that isn’t within my control.

typically my coping mechanism for disappointment is to find all of the reasons why i didn’t really want something in the first place…

“who cares, that job probably would have sucked after a year anyway!”

or

“screw them…. im too good for them anyway!”

anything i can say or think to convince myself that i am somehow better off. this strategy does NOT work with TTC. my thought process goes like this….

man, who wants a stupid baby anyway?!

they are all loud and poopy and expensive,

i would rather spend that money on traveling the world with my babe.

yeah but traveling with a kid would be cool.

too bad we probably wouldn’t ever travel with a kid.

we would sit home and fight about laundry and chores.

but NM and I rarely ever fight.

that’s what makes our family so cool.

we disagree… a lot… but we never really fight.

we would have so much fun raising a kid together.

too bad we wont ever have one.

we will end up the crazy lesbo cat ladies.

but without cats since NM is allergic.

my self mutilating dog is the closest i will ever become to being a mom.

who cares, babies are dumb.

i told NM that i am nervous about traveling to see my family over rape and pillage day (thanksgiving) because there will be a pregnant lady there. she and i are not related but she is coming to hang with our family because her husband is overseas. they have one kid and are struggling to keep their marriage together because he is a jerk. its hard to be around folks in that situation when NM and i have such a wonderfully stable marriage and a strong desire to raise a child. im not meaning to sound judgy… because i really am happy for her that she is prego again… im just saying that it will be difficult to be around. pregnant women inevitably generate conversations about pregnancy and that’s hard for me right now.

im also feeling so annoyed at my body right now. like WTF is wrong with me?! 9 inseminations and i cant get pregnant?! meanwhile other people smoke crack and have noooooo problem reproducing a whole herd of kids.

my frustration with my body is also knocking up against some of my feminist values that have taught me to stop hating my body. as girls we are raised to hate our bodies… the way they feel, they way they smell, the way they are shaped…. and i spent years working on healing my self-hatred and have come to a place where i am truly happy with my body. and then i encountered infertility. i cant help but get angry at my body for being such a big friggin failure!

its so strange to think that i will be the only woman in my family to not experience pregnancy. and although i have never been the kind of woman who has fantasized about having a baby since the time i was 6 years old.... i still feel such a great sense of loss.

summary: i got my period. i’m incredibly sad. i miss my wife. my body is a loser.

*southern accent*... "a dingo with H1N1 killed my baybeee!"

ok seriously... if one more person comes to work sick as hell, im gonna mace them with lysol! im not typically the kind of person to get all worked up about getting sick, i mean hey...it happens to the best of us. but this whole swine flu (my students call it the "cop flu". lol) epidemic is creepin me out.

i was in a meeting yesterday with someone who said she had H1N1 but since she stayed home for 3 days, she wasn't contagious anymore. yeah right lady... then why all the hacking and sweating and shivering?! wtf?!

i know there are conflicting reports about the severity of H1N1 on prego women but i recently read that the flu can lead to an early term miscarriage. that will be my friggin luck... ill FINALLY get pregnant and then some idiot will give me the cop flu and ill miscarry! i dodged the hepatitis bullet from the run-in with the crack head nurse, but i'm not taking any chances with H1N1.

so far on campus we have had 1200 students report to the health center for the flu. i was conducting a sexual assault prevention session earlier today and one of the students in the room was clearly sick. i wanted to scream "GO HOME DINGO! STOP PUTTING MY HEALTH AT RISK!! I GOT LIKE $8000 RIDING ON THIS CYCLE!!".

grrr.

really? i mean come ON!!!!

ok, i get it. im infertile. my womb is probably drier than the sierra desert. i walk past house plants and they shrivel up and die. i have plenty of examples of my barren-ness every day.

not only do i have to deal with friends who unexpectedly get pregnant... "oops, we weren't even trying! *giggle*"

*deep breath*

and an ex-boyfriend who suddenly became a parent... "as it turns out, the paternity test says that i have twins"

*rolling my eyes*


but now we have to deal with pregnant women getting pregnant?

come on universe...what's wrong with you?!?!

ALREADY PREGNANT WOMEN GETS PREGNANT

the not-so-terrible two week wait.

i am officially 4/5 days into the TTWW. i am crampy as a mother-father and am still pretty irritable. im starting to think that my irritability has more to do with dealing with the nearly constant cramps and less to do with the raging hormones. *shrug* nevertheless...im in some pretty uncomfortable pain and its not fun. *pout*

we went to JC Penney this weekend with NM's mom (she was visiting for the weekend to help celebrate NM's birthday) and i was in the dressing room trying on a shirt when suddenly i looked at myself in the mirror. good LORD am i bloated! i pretty much look preggo. i am told that the joy of bloat is a side effect of the fertility drugs but my imagination cant help but think that maybe one of the past insems actually worked and im currently carrying a 6 month old baby in my belly. NM thinks im crazy but hey.... you never know! ive seen way weirder stuff on TLC!

this TTWW feels totally different that any of the previous 7 cycles. typically at this point in the ballgame i have my eye on the prize and cant WAIT for the 2 weeks to pass. every passing minute, hour, day is consumed with counting down.

this time, aka...my last try... feels totally different. its like i dont want the 2 weeks to pass.

i think im just afraid that this moment right now is the closest i will ever come to being pregnant. at the end of the TTWW i might get my period which then means that we will move on to other options for a child.

*sigh*
somehow, being maybe-pregnant is better than never being pregnant at all.

belly full o' swimmers

well... i have officially begun the TTWW. we had 2 inseminations (today and yesterday) so now all i can do is wait, wait, wait, wait.

the insems were no big deal... im pretty much a pro at this point. the new doctor's procedures differed slightly from our old RE but not too much. the biggest difference is the fact that they let me pee before the procedure. *wiping my brow* whew!! our old doctor said that a full bladder made it easier to "find the cervix" which always made me a little suspicious since we are talking about a space that is roughly the size of a grapefruit. how hard is it to find a cervix in there?

while it seems a small difference, it actually makes insems MUCH less annoying. i used to pee before we got in the car to drive to denver (our old RE was an hour away in denver) and then, since i didnt wanna flush $600 down the toilet, i would continue to hold my pee for hours after the insem. it wasnt fun. i have a very low tolerance for that kinda discomfort so having the opportunity to pee before the insem was a dream.

the nurse yesterday was this totally socially awkward lady who is probably really nice but in an insemination environment just seems odd. she put a hospital bracelet on me when we first got there with my name in big black letters. then, when she came into the room to do the insem she made me show her my bracelet and verify my identity. i still cant figure out why. she knows us...and has been our nurse for numerous other appointments. did she think we were gonna sneak some look-alike-jersey-double into the appointment? *shrug* weird.

i didnt have any freak out moments but did almost lose it when she showed us the vial to verify the donor number...

nurse: ok, can you look at this vial and verify that we have the correct number.
NJ: *checking the number on the side of the vial* yup...thats the one.
nurse: *looking at the vial* now, you do understand...that the red cap on this vial means that this is a mixed rate donor, right?
NJ: sorry but i dont know what "mixed rate" means.
nurse: no, *talking slowly* mixed raaaace. you do understand that this donor identifies as mixed race. right?
NJ: *not sure what to say*
NJ: yes. we are aware of the racial identity of our donor.

WTF!?!?!? she might as well have said, "excuse me miss white lady, are you aware that you might be creating offspring with.....A BROWN PERSON?!" because that's what i heard her say. i wanted to say, "yes...we lesbians are planning to create a queer multiracial family. stick that in your bible and pray about it". *deep breath* white people, i swear.

the second insem was pretty much the same but we had a much cooler nurse this time. well... i should say that NM had a much cooler experience since she and the nurse became BFF's while i was up in the stirrups. picture me, in stirrups, trying to keep my head off the dirty ass pillowcase, not able to see anything thats going on, feeling pinches and pokes and twists and i hear this....

nurse: ok, im gonna get the boys in the catheter.
NM: *laughing* oh, we call them "michael phelps" since we hope they are good swimmers
nurse: oh thats great! and speaking of phelps... isnt he amazing?
NM: i know! he was born to swim!

nurse: yes he was. imagine if he had never been exposed to swimming... what a huge loss. its crazy to think about how some people might be born to do something but because they are never exposed to it, they never have that chance.

NM: yeah...thats crazy.

nurse: so, what are you doing for the weekend

NJ: *resisting the urge to say, helloooooo?! i hate to break up the tea party but could you focus!

NM: oh, my mom is coming to town for my birthday this weekend.

nurse: oh that will be such FUN! we were just in california visiting my kids.

NM: oh really? where in california?

nurse: northern LA. we went to disney land and had a blast.

NM: oh i LOVE disneyland!

NJ: *thinking* ARE THESE PEOPLE SERIOUS?!?! WE ARE NOT AT A POTLUCK RIGHT NOW!!

nurse: well, let me tell you....we went with 4 adults and no kids and it was so much fun!

NM: *laughing* thats great! disneyland should be for adults only!

NJ: *thinking* the minute that i am im out of these stirrups, im filing for a divorce.

and....scene.

needless to say, NM didnt leave the appointment with the nurse's phone number or facebook info. *rolling my eyes*

men, i swear.

im not crazy, im just on fertility meds!

i had my final corn-dogging this morning and it went really well. well, i mean...as good as a corn-dogging experience can go, i suppose.

my eggs are frackin HUGE and it looks like we are set for wednesday and thursday of this week. woohoo! i told the RE that i feel like im about to get my period because my ovaries are KILLING me and my boobs are bigger than the usual DD...which is already pretty damn big. he said its all normal and part of the joys of hormones.

i shoulda known since i had the following interaction with NM on sunday:

NM: hey babe, where is the folder that we are using to store all of our doctor bills?

jersey: on the bottom shelf of the cabinet.

NM: which cabinet?

jersey: *impatient sigh and curt response* the cabinet with the drawer!!!

NM: hey babe...there is lots of other stuff in this folder. i thought we were gonna just use one folder for all of our doctor stuff.

jersey: *resisting the urge to claw her face off* well excuuuuuse me for living! i put the most recent bills in THAT folder because it was the only one i could find! if you dont like this system than make your own!! *fire spitting out of my mouth and eyes rolling back into my head*

NM: *long pause* oh, honey... are we gonna have..... "a day"?

jersey: "a day"?!?!?!? what the HELL is THAT supposed to mean?!?!?! god, i swear! how rude!! im on all these fertility meds that make my ovaries hurt and you're over there giving me grief.

NM: yeah, um... fertility meds.

jersey: *realizing what she is talking about* oooh, riiiiight. *nervous laugh* fertility meds make me crazy. *gulp* sorry.

so never the less, im pretty much one big raging hormone. its lots of fun.

but not more fun than the 7 inch needle that NM had to stick in my butt cheek today. after the corn-dogging we had to go home for an HCG shot. it was my first shot that had to go into the muscle and NM did a brilliant job. well, with the exception of one minor (read: irritating) freakout. i decided that she would have to give me the shot on the couch so that i could use our current free cable as a distraction. nothing like HGTV to take your mind off of a 7 inch needle.

i told her to handle the shot stuff on her own and then just stick me with it. but, bless her heart, since she was nervous, the experience was more like this:

NM: *attaching the draw needle to the syringe*

jersey: *watching HGTV*

NM: *drawing up the medication and then switching to the 7'' injection needle* oh....my.....god....

jersey: what?

NM: this needle is HUGE! *laughing nervously*

jersey: um, i dont need that right now! GOD!

NM: i know, im just saying! this thing is enormous!

jersey: stop talking and do it already! dont give me any warning and for the love of GOD dont count down. just do it.

NM: ok... here we go.... i can do this.... are you ready?.... here we go..... the nurse said to not hit the nerve... ok, i think i have the right location... oh my god.... are you ready?..... this might hurt.... ready? ready? ready?....one...... two.....

jersey: COULD YOU BUILD UP ANYMORE ANTICIPATION?! WTF!!! I SAID DONT COUNT!!! for the love of GOD! JUST DO IT!

and.....scene.

it actually didnt hurt that badly. it was way less painful than the follistim shots that go in my belly. anywhooo... tomorrow is the big day. send lots of fertile energy our way!!

ovary watch- 2009

i had the pleasure of receiving yet another corn-dogging yesterday morning to check the progress of my eggs. i couldn't believe the difference a couple of days can make! my ovaries looked like crowded NY subway trains.

i should have known that there was some growing going on in there because all weekend i was walking like the hunchback of notre dame. every step i took felt like someone was jabbing me in the ovaries and the only relief came from (very) small steps while hunched over. people on the street must have seen me and thought, "oh, i wonder what happened to that poor woman". little did they know, im actually subjecting myself to this torture. clomid made me crampy in past cycles but this follistim is no joke.

the doctor was actually pretty cool. he is a total ego maniac but im hoping that his ego is directly linked to his ability to get me knocked up. you know how men are... they love to spread seed around and then take no responsibility for the subsequent offspring. in some ways, being an RE is an ideal job for a dude.

i got a little freaked out though because in the morning before i went to the doctor, i was watching some dumb murder show called "snapped". we dont typically have television because we canceled our cable in may and never went to get the digital converter thingy but as it turns out, they never actually came out to disconnect it! they are coming in one week but in the meantime we are enjoying the free cable. yesssss! *fist pump*

i digress...

yesterday morning i flipped on some dumb show about women who murder their husbands. its called "snapped" and the women are profiled and totally portrayed like they are crazy. never mind the fact that almost all of them murder their partners in an attempt to escape abuse! but yet somehow this show manages to turn them all into gold-digging heartless psychopaths. *deep breath*

i digress again...

so, on this show there was a story about a woman who (along with her new man friend) killed her abusive ex husband. the new man friend was WAY crazier than she was and as it turns out, he was from the next town over from where i currently live! but wait, it gets weirder. to top it off, he looked just like our RE and...get this.... even shared the same last name!!

i texted NM to tell her and she told me that i should ask directly if he is the same guy. as tempting as this sounds, i havent been able to figure out how to make that conversation happen...

NJ: *in stirrups and getting corn-dogged* so... i saw the craziest thing on TV this morning....

doctor: *staring at the monitor* yeah?

NJ: yeah... i was watching this television show about murderers and they featured this story about a crazy murderer guy from the next town over.

doctor: *moving the corn-dog-stick around and watching the monitor* really. hm. interesting.

NJ: yeah. it was crazy too cuz he actually resembled you and shared your last name.

doctor: *totally ignoring me* really. wow. nurse, can you check the flux capacitor and issue a dose of blah-blah-blah.

NJ: so............................................did you do it?

and.... scene.

anywhoo... the doctor said that i have 3 big eggs that are ready to go and then over 5 that still need to bake a little. so the plan is for me to go in again for yet another corn-dogging and then a possible insem on weds and thurs. it will be our first experience doing 2 insems in one month. i know there are lots of conflicting messages about the success of doing 2 IUI's but we figure that it cant hurt. especially since this is my last shot.

in other news, i received a letter in the mail from my insurance company saying that they are going to help cover some of the $990 bill for anesthesia. not all of it, but most of it. needless to say, im very happy.

in totally unrelated news, we recently watched the film Hard Candy and loved it. if you haven't seen it yet, i highly recommend it.

WWIJD? (what would infertile jesus do)

ug. im in a bad mood. *folding arms and pouting*

we had an appointment for yet another corn-dogging this morning and even though that alone is enough to put anyone in a bad mood, we also had a pretty annoying conversation with the nurse.

we are hoping for an insemination this month (my last attempt) but we havent figured out how to get the swimmers to this new doctor's office. we have one rogue vial left at the other doctor in denver and apparently no one can figure out how we can get it shipped to the new doctor, 60 miles away. so then, the nurse comes in today and we have the following interaction:

nurse: i just talked to the doctor and we have bad news.

NJ: ok.

nurse: since we cant verify the quality of the specimen that you have at the other doctor's office we cant in good conscience use it for an insemination. sorry.

NJ: wait, im confused. what do you mean?

nurse: well, the doctor said that we really have no way of knowing what happened with that vial or how it was processed or handled so it would be irresponsible for us to use it. so we cant.

NJ: how it was handled? its been sitting in storage at the other doctor's office.

nurse: i know...but we cant be sure how it was processed so we cant in good conscience use it.

NJ: but the vial cost us $600. we certainly cant just throw it away.

nurse: *fake sympathetic smile* i imagine this is difficult.

NJ: so you're telling me that the doctor will only use vials that come directly from a cryobank?

nurse: im not sure. you see, the thing is... we dont typically deal with things like this.

NJ: *seething. and silent*

"things like this"?? what like, GAY people? ooohhh, did the gays throw a monkey wrench into your heteronormative medical procedures?

*deep breath*

so then, she also said that i have to go back for yet another corn-dogging on monday! WTF?! 3 ultrasounds in one month! im not katie holmes!!

im just so done with this whole process. its hard to make major decisions that involve major amounts of money when you don't really know if what they are telling you is legit. do i need 3 ultrasounds within 10 days? *shrug* how the hell am i supposed to know?! so there we are, forking over $300 for each one, not knowing if this is just some dumb protocol that helps pad their wallets!

and the other shitty thing is that i still cant completely shake the fears from the homophobic rumors. i want to believe that they are only rumors...but in the back of my mind i cant help but wonder. and i feel like i have to be on my best behavior and not challenge the system too much (which is nearly impossible for me) because otherwise their homophobia will cause them to screw us over. i know, i know... people arent that vindictive and im overreacting and i should learn to trust people more and and and... but when you have thousands of dollars on the line, its silly to not do everything you can to ensure success. its strange to be sitting in a doctor's office worrying about how likable you are and making sure that you try to do and say the right things so they will like you enough to not screw you over. i feel like im at some dating service trying to impress the staff so they will hook me up with a hottie.

and the other thing that kinda bugs me about this doctor is their facilities. i told NM that every time we go there i feel like i go back in time to the 70's. the walls have wood paneling and you can see the dust that has settled in between the panels. there are hand towels (yes, like actual towels) in the bathroom for people to dry their hands on. (is that even sanitary?!?!) and i swear they have the exact same pillow cases as my grandmother! you know how most doctors will use plain white pillow cases and then pull the paper over the top of the pillow? well not these guys. you have to lay your head on the same nasty ass pillowcase as who knows how many other women. laying on the table makes me feel like i went back in time 40 years and im in some guy's living room asking for an abortion!

we left the appointment and went home to do the third shot of follistim and i got this overwhelming feeling of relief that this will be my last time going through this madness. after taking the summer off from TTC i was excited to be back in the process again... but each passing day and each irritating experience and each bruise on my belly from the shots, seems to leave me feeling less tolerant of putting myself through this mess. enough is enough. we will go into this cycle with a positive attitude, zero expectations and lots of hope. and although i know that a failure this time will be sad and heavy and hard to recover from... in a small way, it will feel very freeing to be done putting my body through this.

those who cant birth, bake.

i love baking. if given my choice, i would spend all day, everyday baking.


i spent this past weekend working on my never-ending-thesis and baking two new recipes. the first recipe was one for jam thumbprint cookies. a few weekends ago we decided to can tomatoes and peach jam with some friends and like total amateurs, we bought WAY too many peaches and ended up with over 6 gallons of peach jam (not kidding). so, in search of a new recipe that would allow me to use up some of that jam, i made THESE cookies. they were pretty much the bomb.com.


the other recipe i attempted came from bakerella. i have wanted to make her famous cupcake balls for a while now but never had the courage. until this weekend. in another total lapse of judgement i also decided to try her cupcake pops. needless to say, mine didnt turn out nearly as good as hers.

i think my main problem was the thickness of the chocolate coating which didnt allow for much detail. anywhoo... im sure it takes a few attempts so ill try them again at some point.

this weekend also included a special little package on my doorstep.

......................drum roll..................................

three cheers for fertility meds!!

*deep game show voice* that's right folks, we have here 3 doses of follistim, 6 needles and an hsg shot.

but wait... there's more! just when you thought this offer couldnt get more exciting, there was one more thing in the box.....

....................drum roll..............................

a $432.00 bill!! *crowd goes wild*

*sigh*

at least we got one of those cool freezer packs out of the deal.

what part of "im from new jersey" dont you understand?

first order of business is to report that i successfully survived my first CD2 corn-dogging experience.

second order of business is to explain what the hell i mean by "corn-dogging". i have received a couple of emails asking what the heck i am talking about. yet another example that the thoughts in my head dont necessarily translate well to the outside world. allow me to explain...

*clearing my throat*

when infertile sally wants to have a baby she will most likely have to undergo many ultrasounds to check her innards. the method of said ultrasounds is not the typical goop-on-the-belly ultrasound like is seen in most movies when an already pregnant woman goes in for an ultrasound. oh no my friend...sally gets the pleasure of enduring the "internal wand probe" which, much like it sounds, is essentially a giant dildo-thing with an ultrasound camera on the end. so...when sally is in the process of receiving said "internal wand probe" ultrasound it is not uncommon for her to feel like a human corn-dog. there you have it.

third order if business is to share that yet another medical practitioner commented on how "easy" i am. what the hell!?!?! if you remember from THIS post, apparently i am "easy" to perform an insemination on. well this morning we had the following conversation with our ultrasound technician:

ultrasound tech: wow. you're so easy!

corn-dog me: um... excuse me?

ultrasound tech: its so easy to find your ovaries on the screen. i love giving ultrasounds to you because typically women aren't this easy.

*sigh*

if only i had a dollar for every time i heard that.

thoughts on money and getting corn-dogged

*heavy sigh*

so... i called the RE to tell them that its CD1 and they called back with excited energy and a plan for the next few weeks. yay!

step one: baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning (it will be my first corn-dogging experience that early in the cycle. um... fun.)

step two: start clomid on CD 3. stop clomid on CD 7

step three: follistim 150 on CD 8, 9 & 10

step four: second ultrasound on CD 10

sounds exciting, right? ok, aside from CD2 corn-dogging....it sounds like a great plan, no?

*sigh*

what started as excitement about being back on the insemination horse quickly morphed into a panic attack about how the hell we are gonna pay for this.

step one = $300

step two = $40

step three = $125 per shot for a total of $375

step four = $300

for a total of $1,015. and that's not including the cost of new swimmers and the inseminations. new swimmers will cost us $2,570 (after we use our $1000 credit at CCB), shipping will be $200 and then we still have one rogue vial at the old doctor that we will have to spend $125 to get shipped to the new doctor. then each insemination costs around $200.

so... the grand total for getting back on the horse will be.... *drum roll*.....$4,310.

*dry heave*

how the hell can i justify spending this kind of money? that is more money than i get paid to teach an entire course for the entire semester! it makes me so frustrated... and sad. *sigh*

and you know, i fully understand that we...as a non-hetero unit...are gonna have to face some additional challenges when it comes to getting prego. i mean after all, we are going against mother nature's plan and all that jazz. i get it.

so im totally ok with the notion that we might have to deal with doctors or pay more money to get knocked up. im certainly not advocating for free sperm dispensers on every corner. (although, i wouldn't fight anyone who attempted to get such a system implemented). what is so annoying to me is the grandness of the bills... the shear enormity of the cost...and that it isn't applied to everyone the same, across the board.

for example, if we lived in massachusetts, much of these costs would be covered by insurance. then, after a certain number of attempts, the entire bill would be covered... even up to IVF! its a trip for me to read posts written by women living in mass who are sad because they are "getting down to only a few more IUI attempts before they will switch to IVF because its free". um....what?? dont get me wrong, i fully understand and support folks for feeling sad because they aren't getting prego the new-old-fashioned way with IUI. IVF is painful and long and pretty invasive. but shit... at least folks have the opportunity to take that next step! for less than $30,000!

i think two things are bugging me right now.

1. if folks in other states have a policy that saves them THOUSANDS of dollars then for god's sake we should all have access to that same option. its not like NM and i live in some backwards country where gays cant get married...err, wait. you get the point.

2. and.... its so frustrating to make a decision and then immediately second guess our decision. we have talked sooooo many times and for soooo long about whether we should just stop now and move towards adoption but in the end we want to experience the process of pregnancy as a family and the process of birth together as a family. so we make the decision to try again and then one conversation later im back to feeling sick and scared and discouraged. not to mention the fact that im one day into my period (read: emotional) and im not really looking forward to getting corn-dogged tomorrow at the doctor.

so, in closing... im kicking rocks right now. not boo-hoo for me because im gay and we can get prego. more like boo-hoo for me because we cant afford to even try.

*singing* i know... all there.... is to know.... about the waiting game.

well, i finally took the leap.

i called the adoption agency and told them to put us on the waiting list. technically its the "waiting-for-the-waiting-list" waiting list...pero, its still a step.

the woman on the phone said that there are currently 25 couples on the "inactive" waiting list. those folks are waiting to be put on the "active" waiting list which consists of 30 couples. so...they have like 60 babies to place before we will see any action.

she estimated that we would spend 5 months on the "inactive" list before joining the "active" list. once we get to the "active" list, we get to hurry up and wait some more until we are chosen by a birth mom. this can take anywhere from 2 months to years.

in other news, today is CD1 and i called our RE to tell them that we are back in the race. we shall see what they say when the nurse calls me back. im excited to start trying again...especially with the non-homophobe doctor up the street. i certainly wont miss those long drives 3 times a month!

he's no marky mark but he's still quite a looker.

ok, let me just say that i totally heart california cryobank's new "celebrity lookalike" feature. prior to this feature we had to rely on some random staff person to describe in vague terms what the donors look like:

CCB staff: um...he has dark hair and dark eyes and his ears are kinda long

NJ: ok...im feeling creeped out because that description sounds exactly like my dad!

but now each donor's package comes...err, bad choice of words...lets try this again. now, each donor's profile contains a few celebrities that staff at CCB claim the donor resembles. so far in our process we have had 2 donors. the first donor is described to look like these three men:

1. John Leguizamo.....

2. Mariano Rivera......

and.... 3. John Secada.

JOHN SECADA?? um no offense to my mom but he is so not hot! im sure there are countless (ok, maybe 5) women who would count "having john secada's baby" on their list of life goals but come on! also, im not discounting how talented, down to earth and all around lovely john secada might be. but who wants a "lovely" donor??

not us. we want hot.

so...here is what the cryobank says our new donor looks like:

1. Cillian Murphy.

ok, so the photo on the right looks slightly boy-band which would make me mary kay letourneau... but do away with the wispy teenage hair cut and wow. he's a looker.

2. Olivier Martinez.

ok, i realize that the photo on the right looks like it was taken off of the cover of a romantic novel but still.... he's hot.

3. Rafael Marquez.

i have no idea who this dude is (im guessing soccer?) but he's pretty easy to look at. at the very least, he would certainly beat john secada's ass in a "who would you rather have sire your children?" contest.

the wind beneath my pee...

one day NM and i were visiting some friends when one of them shared that her friend had a friend who had a friend that didn't use diapers on her kids. at first i was puzzled by the statement and sought clarification:

NJ: oh you mean like she didn't use disposables?

Friend of a Friend of a Friend: no, i mean that she didn't use diapers.

NJ: wait... like she used towels or something? i don't understand.

Friend of a Friend of a Friend: no... she didn't use anything. like as in...nothing.

NJ: blasphemy! i don't believe it.

well... leave it to lovable childhood actress Blossom to prove me wrong. apparently this practice is called "elimination communication" and it means that parents don't use diapers. period.

much like having a new puppy, i suppose the parents pay attention to cues given off by the newborn and to timing (newborns pee every 10-20 minutes?). woah...sounds intense.

anywho... here is Blossom talking about her parenting techniques. i found this link on yahoo news and the title of the headline read "Child Star Blossom's Controversial Parenting Techniques". after watching the video i think that "controversial" is a bit strong. i hear "controversial" and think spanking or maybe letting the dog babysit... but to me, not using diapers falls more into the "strange things that other people do with their kids" category.

*shrug*

CLICK HERE FOR BLOSSOM VIDEO

yay!! an honest scrap award!!

wow... how cool?! Gaybie Rabies awarded me with the Honest Scrap Award...TIGHT! for those of you who haven't checked out her site, you must stop reading this and go there. now. the other day my best friend was talking about the possibility of having multiples as a result of clomid. she said, "well sometimes i wonder if it would be totally weird to keep one of the babies and then put the other one up for adoption". we agreed that it would be weird but i share this story now because sometimes i think that gaybie rabies is my twin sister separated at birth. i gotta call my mother ask if she ever took clomid!.

ok, here are the rules of this award:

1. link back to the blog that awarded you

2. extend the honor to 10 of your favorite blogs

3. list 10 honest things about yourself

so... in no particular order...here are my Honest Scrap Award Recipients!

1. eeeny meeny miney mommy ...i heart this blog because poppy has a way of making day-to-day interactions humorous and fun to read about. basically she allows us to get joy out of her gripes. plus, she has a fear of spiders that is comparable to my fear of bees.

2. Soulemama... i cant decide if i want to be the mom on this blog or the kids! soulemama is always full of awesome photos and their family looks like they have lots of fun.

3. eat poop love... carrie and becky are finally pregos...and with twins! *crowd cheers* carrie has some great posts about their process but i mostly love this blog because it has such great and positive energy.

4. are we there yet?... ok, this blog holds a special place in my TTC heart because it was my first official entry to the blogging community. one day while monitoring every single twinge in my body (during TTWW) i googled "symptoms 7 days post IUI" and found this post. i loved every word of it and ended up spending hours checking out her page and the links posted on it. eventually i decided to start my own so i have to credit "are we there yet" for introducing me to the wonderful world of blogging.

5. bakerella... those who know me know that i love love love to bake. one of the great things about working on a college campus is that there are always plenty of hungry mouths to feed in my office! this site has AWESOME recipes that range from complicated to super easy. i recently made THESE brownies and they were so easy and came out great. this isnt a TTC blog but its a great way to take your mind off of TTC.

6. margaret & helen...i have already shared how much i love this blog. go here and read why.

7. bulgy the blog... gotta show some love for a two-dad blog. these folks dont post very often but when they do its a hoot!

8. insert metaphor...another great blog that i go to when i need to feel like im not crazy or alone in this madness of TTC. plus, they met on the east coast so you know they gots to be coo!

9. dooce... i loved her book and can always count on a laugh whenever i visit her blog.

10. metal stork... last but certainly not least, metal stork is another great blog about TTC with lots of non-TTC related fun as well. they are also about to move from NM (the state, not my NM) to boston which kinda makes me hate them a little because i know ill never get NM (my NM, not the state) to move that far away from NM (the state, not my NM). whew...confusing!

and *drum roll* in no particular order...here are 10 honest things about myself....

1. in high school i dated the captain of the football team (you can read about him in here and here), was homecoming and prom queen (2 years in a row) and was the captain of the cheerleading squad (think bring it on...but worse). luckily i went to college and liberated myself. now im a big ol 'mo workin to take down "the man" and his patriarchal system.

*grabbin my crotch and spitting*

2. i have an irrational fear of bees that i inherited from my mother. i also inherited her inability to stick with one job for longer than 2 years. in her life she has been a singer, a school principle, a motivational speaker, a loan officer, a sales woman, a teacher for students with special needs and an entrepreneur. in my life i have been a sales person (i wasnt good at it), a waitress (i was even WORSE at that), a dog trainer, a baker, a photographer, a graphic designer, a cashier (my favorite so far) and now a college instructor.

3. i cant find a sports bra to fit my 36DD's. i dont understand why women with tiny boobs have 928,394 sports bras to choose from but those of us who actually need them cant find ONE!

4. i have lots of pet peeves but one of my biggest is when people get free sample rage. FSR occurs in grocery stores or wholesale clubs when people get so excited at the sight of a free dorito that they lose all awareness of the world around them and practically run you over in their pursuit of said dorito. chill out people...it will be there whether or not you run my toes over in the process.

5. i am technically bisexual. *gasp!* yes, sorry to disappoint the gold star lesbos out there but i have dabbled in the men folk and didnt hate every second of it. given that the vast majority of (straight) men are no good perpetrators, im very pleased to wake up every morning next to another set of boobs.

6. if allowed, i could eat bagels with cream cheese and coffee for 3 meals a day, every day.

7. although this might totally jinx me...i must report that i have never been happier or more emotionally stable in all of my adult life. im in a fantastic relationship with the coolest woman on the planet and our life together makes all the bad stuff feel like ancient history.

8. the highest math class i have ever taken was algebra II in high school. i managed to work the system in college so that my art history classes could count for my foundation credits. this means that im awesome at working the system and that im kinda dumb when it comes to numbers.

9. i dont make friends easily.

10. one of my life long dreams is to spend a year traveling with cirque du soleil.