Monday, August 31, 2009

he's no marky mark but he's still quite a looker.

ok, let me just say that i totally heart california cryobank's new "celebrity lookalike" feature. prior to this feature we had to rely on some random staff person to describe in vague terms what the donors look like:

CCB staff: um...he has dark hair and dark eyes and his ears are kinda long
NJ: feeling creeped out because that description sounds exactly like my dad!

but now each donor's package comes...err, bad choice of words...lets try this again. now, each donor's profile contains a few celebrities that staff at CCB claim the donor resembles. so far in our process we have had 2 donors. the first donor is described to look like these three men:

1. John Leguizamo.....

2. Mariano Rivera......

and.... 3. John Secada.

JOHN SECADA?? um no offense to my mom but he is so not hot! im sure there are countless (ok, maybe 5) women who would count "having john secada's baby" on their list of life goals but come on! also, im not discounting how talented, down to earth and all around lovely john secada might be. but who wants a "lovely" donor??

not us. we want hot. is what the cryobank says our new donor looks like:
1. Cillian Murphy.
ok, so the photo on the right looks slightly boy-band which would make me mary kay letourneau... but do away with the wispy teenage hair cut and wow. he's a looker.

2. Olivier Martinez.
ok, i realize that the photo on the right looks like it was taken off of the cover of a romantic novel but still.... he's hot.

3. Rafael Marquez.
i have no idea who this dude is (im guessing soccer?) but he's pretty easy to look at. at the very least, he would certainly beat john secada's ass in a "who would you rather have sire your children?" contest.

Friday, August 28, 2009

the wind beneath my pee...

one day NM and i were visiting some friends when one of them shared that her friend had a friend who had a friend that didn't use diapers on her kids. at first i was puzzled by the statement and sought clarification:

NJ: oh you mean like she didn't use disposables?
Friend of a Friend of a Friend: no, i mean that she didn't use diapers.
NJ: wait... like she used towels or something? i don't understand.
Friend of a Friend of a Friend: no... she didn't use anything. like as in...nothing.
NJ: blasphemy! i don't believe it.

well... leave it to lovable childhood actress Blossom to prove me wrong. apparently this practice is called "elimination communication" and it means that parents don't use diapers. period.

much like having a new puppy, i suppose the parents pay attention to cues given off by the newborn and to timing (newborns pee every 10-20 minutes?). woah...sounds intense.

anywho... here is Blossom talking about her parenting techniques. i found this link on yahoo news and the title of the headline read "Child Star Blossom's Controversial Parenting Techniques". after watching the video i think that "controversial" is a bit strong. i hear "controversial" and think spanking or maybe letting the dog babysit... but to me, not using diapers falls more into the "strange things that other people do with their kids" category.

yay!! an honest scrap award!!

wow... how cool?! Gaybie Rabies awarded me with the Honest Scrap Award...TIGHT! for those of you who haven't checked out her site, you must stop reading this and go there. now. the other day my best friend was talking about the possibility of having multiples as a result of clomid. she said, "well sometimes i wonder if it would be totally weird to keep one of the babies and then put the other one up for adoption". we agreed that it would be weird but i share this story now because sometimes i think that gaybie rabies is my twin sister separated at birth. i gotta call my mother ask if she ever took clomid!.

ok, here are the rules of this award:

1. link back to the blog that awarded you

2. extend the honor to 10 of your favorite blogs

3. list 10 honest things about yourself

so... in no particular are my Honest Scrap Award Recipients!

1. eeeny meeny miney mommy ...i heart this blog because poppy has a way of making day-to-day interactions humorous and fun to read about. basically she allows us to get joy out of her gripes. plus, she has a fear of spiders that is comparable to my fear of bees.

2. Soulemama... i cant decide if i want to be the mom on this blog or the kids! soulemama is always full of awesome photos and their family looks like they have lots of fun.

3. eat poop love... carrie and becky are finally pregos...and with twins! *crowd cheers* carrie has some great posts about their process but i mostly love this blog because it has such great and positive energy.

4. are we there yet?... ok, this blog holds a special place in my TTC heart because it was my first official entry to the blogging community. one day while monitoring every single twinge in my body (during TTWW) i googled "symptoms 7 days post IUI" and found this post. i loved every word of it and ended up spending hours checking out her page and the links posted on it. eventually i decided to start my own so i have to credit "are we there yet" for introducing me to the wonderful world of blogging.

5. bakerella... those who know me know that i love love love to bake. one of the great things about working on a college campus is that there are always plenty of hungry mouths to feed in my office! this site has AWESOME recipes that range from complicated to super easy. i recently made THESE brownies and they were so easy and came out great. this isnt a TTC blog but its a great way to take your mind off of TTC.

6. margaret & helen...i have already shared how much i love this blog. go here and read why.

7. bulgy the blog... gotta show some love for a two-dad blog. these folks dont post very often but when they do its a hoot!

8. insert metaphor...another great blog that i go to when i need to feel like im not crazy or alone in this madness of TTC. plus, they met on the east coast so you know they gots to be coo!

9. dooce... i loved her book and can always count on a laugh whenever i visit her blog.

10. metal stork... last but certainly not least, metal stork is another great blog about TTC with lots of non-TTC related fun as well. they are also about to move from NM (the state, not my NM) to boston which kinda makes me hate them a little because i know ill never get NM (my NM, not the state) to move that far away from NM (the state, not my NM). whew...confusing!

and *drum roll* in no particular are 10 honest things about myself....

1. in high school i dated the captain of the football team (you can read about him in here and here), was homecoming and prom queen (2 years in a row) and was the captain of the cheerleading squad (think bring it on...but worse). luckily i went to college and liberated myself. now im a big ol 'mo workin to take down "the man" and his patriarchal system.
*grabbin my crotch and spitting*

2. i have an irrational fear of bees that i inherited from my mother. i also inherited her inability to stick with one job for longer than 2 years. in her life she has been a singer, a school principle, a motivational speaker, a loan officer, a sales woman, a teacher for students with special needs and an entrepreneur. in my life i have been a sales person (i wasnt good at it), a waitress (i was even WORSE at that), a dog trainer, a baker, a photographer, a graphic designer, a cashier (my favorite so far) and now a college instructor.

3. i cant find a sports bra to fit my 36DD's. i dont understand why women with tiny boobs have 928,394 sports bras to choose from but those of us who actually need them cant find ONE!

4. i have lots of pet peeves but one of my biggest is when people get free sample rage. FSR occurs in grocery stores or wholesale clubs when people get so excited at the sight of a free dorito that they lose all awareness of the world around them and practically run you over in their pursuit of said dorito. chill out will be there whether or not you run my toes over in the process.

5. i am technically bisexual. *gasp!* yes, sorry to disappoint the gold star lesbos out there but i have dabbled in the men folk and didnt hate every second of it. given that the vast majority of (straight) men are no good perpetrators, im very pleased to wake up every morning next to another set of boobs.

6. if allowed, i could eat bagels with cream cheese and coffee for 3 meals a day, every day.

7. although this might totally jinx me...i must report that i have never been happier or more emotionally stable in all of my adult life. im in a fantastic relationship with the coolest woman on the planet and our life together makes all the bad stuff feel like ancient history.

8. the highest math class i have ever taken was algebra II in high school. i managed to work the system in college so that my art history classes could count for my foundation credits. this means that im awesome at working the system and that im kinda dumb when it comes to numbers.

9. i dont make friends easily.

10. one of my life long dreams is to spend a year traveling with cirque du soleil.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

excuse me...*posing like a body builder*....could you tell me where the gym is?

i went running this morning for the first time in over 4 years and it felt great!

by "great" i mean that i pretty much hated every second of it and felt like i was gonna puke the whole time... but beyond the physical reminder of how totally out of shape i am, it felt great.

my old workout goal was all about getting my body in shape for baby making but now my new goal is to get myself in shape so i can go to another water aerobics class and show those old people how its done!!!

Monday, August 24, 2009

the "tails" of a self mutilating dog.

*deep breath*
(why do so many of my posts start this way??)

so NM and i have been taking a break from TTC for a few months now. at first the break was an attempt to give my body (and my emotions) a much needed respite from tryin' to get knocked up. we had planned to start trying again in august...yes, the same august that is about to be over in 6 days...but our "let-NJ's-ovaries-have-a-break" break has now turned into a "let-us-pay-off-some-TTC-debt" break. and quite frankly, its pissing me off.

i recently received a bill from our old RE for almost $400 for ultrasounds and office visits that occurred in february. february??!! as it turns out, our insurance had a "delay in processing claims" so all the shit that we thought was being covered by insurance, wasnt. great.

and then, in addition, im still responsible for the $990 anesthesia bill from the hepatitis surgery in february! (oh, forgot to update and say that my test came back negative. my negative result has left me happy and sad at the same time. im sad because now we cant use my sue-the-hospital-for-millions-and-use-the-money-to-finance-TTC plan but im happy cuz...well, cuz i dont have hepatitis. lol. all joking aside, im super lucky. the current count says that the crack head nurse infected 27 people!!)

i digress...

between the stupid unfair ridiculous $990 anesthesia bill and the daily influx of late medical bills from our old RE, we have had to put everything on hold. again. *folding arms and pouting*.

i have heard many (straight) people say "there is never enough time or money to have kids so dont wait!" but that's easy to say when its essentially FREE to get knocked up! as many of you know, most RE's require payment on the day of service so it presents a slight problem when you dont have the funds to pay.

it also presents a slight problem when you dont have daily access to free sperm. when i think about the cost of a vial of sperm.... i swear, the person (most likely a man) who invented sperm banks was a true capitalist... step one: get men to come to the office and pay them $75 bucks to do what they are already doing at home for free. step 2: split each load into 10 vials and sell each vial for $600. step 3: sell these vials to desperate lesbos who dont have daily access to free sperm. holy crap they must make bank!

since we only have one vial left we need to buy another 6 pack which also requires money that we dont have. then, to top it off, our dog gully...

...decided to practically chew her tail off the other day which resulted in a $550 vet bill! she is fine now and the 9 pills that she has to take everyday seem to be helping her tail heal. i swear it was just a conspiracy to prevent us from having a kid which would inevitably interfere with the level of attention she receives. damn self mutilating dog!

in lighter news i heard the following joke the other day and thought i would pass it along...

how many TTC lesbos does it take to screw in a light bulb?

wait for it.....

wait for it....

screw in a light bulb??...hey, do you think it might help??

ba-dump-bump. im here all week.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

as it turns out, i have twins.

i heard that my ex-boyfriend (the one from high school who i mentioned in THIS post) just had twin boys. typically this would be an occasion to offer congrats but here is a recap of our conversation which occurred via text:

NJ: hey...i see on facebook that your sister is holding 2 babies. the caption says they are her "new nephews". did you have a couple kids since we last spoke a month ago??

the ex: it turns out, i have twins.

NJ: as it turns out? what does that mean? and how come you didnt mention the fact that you were expecting?

the ex: well i didnt know. we just got the paternity test back and it turns out they are my boys.

*deep breath*

i swear.

if i hear.

about one more person.

having a kid.

that they weren't intentionally trying to have....






Thursday, August 20, 2009

i survived surgery and a crack-head nurse and all i have to show for it is this $990 bill.

as you might remember from THIS post, i had surgery not too long ago and was exposed to hepatitis C from a crack head nurse who was swapping her dirty, saline-filled syringes with clean medication-filled ones. not only was this causing surgery patients great pain since they were essentially left with no pain medication, but she was also exposing people to hepatitis C.

the hospital sent me a certified letter saying that i had to go get tested. as i wait for my results, i have come up with a plan to sue the hospital for millions of dollars and use that money to finance IVF. muah-ha-ha (evil laugh). the only major flaw in this plan of course is the fact that i will have to test positive for a disease that will slowly kill me. damn it!

another minor flaw in this plan is that even if i did win settlement money i will most likely have to use it on the anesthesia bill from the surgery! WTF?? allow me to explain....

i got a bill for $990 in the mail from some doctor that i didnt recognize. we will call him Dr. Stranger. i called the number listed on the bill and had the following conversation with brittney, the unhappy worker at dr. stranger's office.

NJ: hi, i received a bill from this office but i am not a patient of dr. stranger.
brittney: did you recently have surgery?
NJ: yes.
brittney: he was your anesthesiologist
NJ: huh?
brittney: *starting to get irritated* dr. stranger is an anesthesiologist. if you recently had surgery then the bill you received is for his services.
NJ: but my surgery was covered by my insurance.
brittney: do you have blue cross?
NJ: yes.
brittney: dr. stranger isnt covered by blue cross so you have to pay.
NJ: ok, ill call my insurance and see.
brittney: fine. but im telling you that he isnt covered. and you have to pay.

as it turns out, brittney was right. i called blue cross and had the following conversation with sean, the unhappy worker at blue cross.

NJ: hi, i recently had surgery that was pre-approved by insurance but i just got a bill from someone who claims that they were my anesthesiologist and they arent covered by blue cross.
sean: could you repeat your member number?
NJ: *repeating my member number* just concerned because this is a pretty expensive bill.
sean: could you repeat your zip code?
NJ: *repeating my zip code*... and my doctor told me that the surgery was covered so....
sean: could you repeat your home address?
NJ: *resisting the urge to say, "what is the point of having automated answering service where we have to type all of this information into the system if you're just gonna ask me to repeat it all again!?!?!?!!?"*
NJ: *repeating my home address*
sean: ok, looks like he isnt covered.
NJ: and....?
sean: so you have to pay the bill.
NJ: but my doctor said the surgery was pre-approved!
sean: that doesnt necessarily include anesthesia.
NJ: excuse me? are you saying that i could have opted for surgery without anaesthesia?
sean: no but as the patient it is your responsibility to make sure that everyone involved with the surgery is covered by blue cross.
NJ: how the hell am i supposed to know who is involved in the surgery?! for all i know there is some random scrub nurse (or as time would tell, a crack head nurse) who isnt covered!
sean: ma'am, obviously every surgery involves an anesthesiologist.
NJ: obviously the insurance industry sucks! (i didnt really say that... but i wanted to really badly)

so... here i sit trying to figure out how to pay almost $1000 for a surgery that might have given me hepatitis C.

*shaking my head*

i aint a religious person but i believe there is a special place in hell reserved for crack head nurses and insurance agents.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

some people have so much privilege they need to use google to find problems.

so.... its been a while since i have written. one of the fabulous things about working on a college campus is that we get lots o' time off in the summer. this provides ample opportunity to read new books, hang with friends, visit family, go on road trips, bake new yummy desserts, etc...but not too much blog time.

classes start here in 2 weeks so i suspect that my blogs will become more frequent as i write to vent about crazy students who make me love (and hate) my job. for example, in one of my classes a couple years ago we went to see An Inconvenient Truth and the students had to write a reaction paper (read: personal opinion) about a the film. one student wrote that the film was insignificant because "as a christian woman, i know that the earth did not exist more than 6000 years ago". um... ok... that's certainly an opinion.

and then another student wrote a beautiful response to the had witty metaphors and clever word play. i told him that he could have a great future in reviewing films and he seemed nervous. on a hunch i did some digging and as it turns out, his review was so good because it was THE NEW YORK TIMES REVIEW OF THE FILM! oy vay.

then i had another student last year who plagiarized an entire 15 page paper on the topic of illegally downloading music from the internet. oh the irony. of my favorite student stories was the time when i taught a senior capstone class for liberal arts and the students had to identify a world problem that they were passionate about and then offer viable solutions for the problem. one student came to me a few weeks before the end of the semester and said:

jimmy: *deep meathead student voice* "um.... i couldnt think of a topic so i googled 'world problems' and the first thing that came up was 'world hunger'. can i write about that?"
ME: *blank stare and long pause*: "wait, let me get this straight... you GOOGLED world problems?"
jimmy: "yeah. so can i write about hunger or what?"
ME: *resisting the urge to punch him in the face* "jimmy, if you had to GOOGLE world problems to find a topic, do you honestly feel that you are in a position to offer a viable solution to world hunger?"
jimmy: *long pause* "yeah, that's true. so can i write about steroids?"
ME: "im sure you could."


im looking forward to the start of the semester so i can have more blog time and so that i can add to my list of ridiculous stories about students.

anywho...i digress. after all, this is a TTC blog so i should at least write about TTC. the problem is...there aint much to write about. loyal readers might recall that when we last left our heroines they were gleefully taking the summer off to rest the ovaries and then they were gonna pick up again in august. its now the middle of august and we still dont have a solid plan.

this is a lame post with nothing much to offer the TTC blogging community so i apologize to the 2 of you who have taken 3 minutes out of your day to read it. lol. ill be back on the horse soon enough with more TTC deets. stay tuned.