Thursday, May 28, 2009

that's just my baby daddy (oh and my high school boyfriend)

so, interestingly enough, in the last two days, two different male friends have volunteered their little swimmers to us in the hopes of helping us with our baby quest. ever since we have started on this journey we have only ever considered using anonymous donor sperm. the idea of using a sibling, cousin or close friend as a donor just creeped us out. (no judgement for those who have chosen that route...its just not for us).

we have had lots of humorous conversations with the men in our lives about all the reasons why they should be our donors.... "because you would make a great dad!", "because you could have sex with lesbians, make a couple hundred bucks in cash, and not have any parental responsibilities for the subsequent offspring", "please?? you have the best hair and fashion sense of all the men we know!".... but we have never actually considered using a friend as a serious option.

honestly, im not entirely sure that we would ever consider it, even with the recent offers. im blogging about this today mostly just to process via writing and to sort through some of the questions that are swimming around in my head. the first (and most sincere) offer came via a conversation i was having yesterday with a very old friend of mine who i had lost contact with until recently. he and i dated for quite a while and broke up while i was in college because we both grew apart. well, technically i grew into a lesbian but that's a different story for a whole different blog.

anyway... we were chatting yesterday and i asked him if he was happy with the path he is on in his life. he responded by saying that the one thing he wants in life is to have kids...but he doesn't really want to settle down and get married. i jokingly suggested that he find a couple of lesbos who live in the same state he lives in and offer his swimmers! he laughed and then said, "i would totally do that for you guys, actually". hm. interesting. suddenly the idea of using a friend didn't seem so weird.

which brings me to the point of this entry.... where do we get our ideas about what a "normal" family even looks like?? i mean, i work with a woman who had her partner's nephew's baby! when i first heard that, i couldnt even believe it was real... but the more i am around her and her daughter, the less weird it feels. i mean, how much less weird is her situation than the idea of 2 straight people accidentally getting knocked up after only dating for a month?!? who is to say which is more or less "normal"? i mean, is it really THAT weird to think of NM and i having a baby using my high school boyfriend's sperm??

um..... actually....*shiver*....... yeah.... it is. lol. (again, no judgement on those who have chosen this option... but its a little too much for me!)

i digress... the point is that i sometimes wonder how to keep a grasp on my own moral compass thorough this whole thing. like, 2 years ago i totally scoffed at the idea of people spending years and thousands of dollars trying to have a kid.... "i mean come on! if its not meant to be, why would you spend all of your time, money and energy on it?? move on already!"....

......but now that i sit here on the opposite side of the fence, 1 year and thousands of dollars later, i cant imagine ever giving up hope! so i cant help but wonder if our beliefs about what is "normal" will continue to change as our options continue to dwindle. and if in the end, we have a happy, healthy, loved, wanted baby.... does it really matter who the donor was?

i guess the point of this entry is that im working through the idea of "desperate times call for desperate measures". one year ago i thought that spending $15,000 on IVF was a desperate act. i judged women who chose this option and felt sorry for how desperate they were to have a baby. "Psh... that would NEVER be me!".

*swallowing my words*

now that it IS me, i have a greater understanding of why couples practically get a second mortgage in order to have the money to continue trying to have a baby. its about the dream...and about not giving up on the dreams that you have for your family. *nod*.

and to top it all off, the whole process is so damn complex and mind numbing that it stirs up emotions and values that you didnt even know you had! like for example, desperate times make the idea of having your high school boyfriend's baby (15 years later!) seem not so outrageous.

i need a beer.

1 comment:

  1. It's definitely not for everyone but we did use Fern's high school bf's sperm for a full year before switching to a local donor! He's more than just her HS bf, though, he's one of our closest friends now. Still, it was funny to contemplate that they would be making a baby together.

    I've definitely found myself changing my mind a lot through this process - the time wears on you.