Friday, May 29, 2009

maybe i want to drive my OWN car!!

when we share the fact that we have had trouble getting prego, people will often respond with, "well, its a good thing you have more than one uterus between the two of you!". this comment used to bug the shit out of me but i couldn't ever put my finger on why. the further along we got in our journey....and the more failed attempts we had...the more i came to learn that my ability to give life has more to do with my own feelings of self worth than i had initially realized.

im not sure if its about our socialization as women...from day one we are molded into little mothers... or if its just something in my biology.... *shrug*... all i know is that NM's spare uterus "between the two of us" (*rolling my eyes*) doesn't change the way i feel about my OWN ability to get prego.

one day, after a particularly difficult appointment at the doctor, NM was driving and was trying to be as supportive and caring as possible....

NM: "you know, maybe its time for me to get over my aversion to getting pregnant. if it would be easier, i can start to try if you want?"
NJ: (long pause)
NM: "i mean, i don't really want to get pregnant.... *shiver*... but if it would make it easier, i don't mind trying"
NJ: (long pause) "oh sure..... that sounds GREAT!.... lets just drive your car!"
NM: "um... huh?"
NJ: "well, you talk about it like its just as simple as, 'oh, your car is broken down on the side of the road? that's ok, we can just drive my car!". never mind the fact that i might actually WANT to drive MY OWN car!!!"
NM: "i think you have officially lost it."

the "lets just drive your car" conversation has now become a humorous story between us. but in the moment, it dawned on me that the reason why i don't like when people say, "well why doesn't NM try to get prego?" is because it discredits and dismisses my feelings about my own infertility. imagine losing a grandparent and then someone (in an attempt to console you) saying, "well, good thing your wife still has a grandmother!". i realize its a bit dramatic but you get the point.

its also interesting having two uteri (uteruses? uteri? NJ public schools = *shrug*)between us because it has really confirmed my belief in reproductive rights. i believe that women... technically all people, but especially women... have the right to make decisions about what happens with their own bodies. period. i don't want NM to feel pressured to get prego simply because my womb sucks. if she doesn't want to put her body through that... then we will find another way. *nod* and... if i want to carry a child, i want people to respect that desire and not try to make me feel better or distract me from my sadness by reminding me that my female partner has a uterus! no duh!


  1. I totally get what you're saying from my slightly different perspective. I feel very protective of Fern when people (my mother usually) suggest we switch to me. Because it's not someone else's right to make a decision that would essentially mean she could never carry a child. That's a big deal, not an, 'oh well, plan b,' kind of choice.

  2. Thanks for stopping by my blog and cheering me on!

    Oh, I get the car analogy very well. In our case, we finally switched cars, but in a totally different way.
    It's hard to say--"Yes, you drive now because I'll never driver again."
    I hated it when people would suggest K or ask if we'd thought about adoption. At one point, I deadpanned and said "Adoption? I've never heard of that. Are you doing it?"
    That shut them up.