the call about twins.

the other morning we were on our way to work when NM's cell phone rang.

NM: "I dont recognize the number."

me: "pick it up, it might be important."

NM: *answers the phone* "hello? yes, this is NM. uh-huh... yeah.... ok. that's AWESOME NEWS!

me: (*thinking* what's awesome news? hm, maybe its about a baby!! nah, that would be silly.)

NM: "wow... what great news. and TWINS?!"

me: (*thinking* omg! its totally the adoption agency!! we have been picked!! we have been picked!! and the birth-mother has twins!! yay!!)

NM: "that's so great! ok, yeah... uh-huh.... um, may 31st? let me think... um, yeah, im pretty sure that will work."

me: (*thinking* may 31st? that's like a week away?! omg! we are gonna be parents in a week!!)

NM: "ok, thanks for the call. ill see you then" *hangs up the phone and continues to drive*

me: "um, what the heck was that all about!??!"

NM: "oh, nothing. my dentist had to move my appointment up to the 31st because his wife is having twins in 2 weeks."

me: *speechless*

aaaand, scene.

what part of "im from new jersey" dont you understand?

first order of business is to report that i successfully survived my first CD2 corn-dogging experience.

second order of business is to explain what the hell i mean by "corn-dogging". i have received a couple of emails asking what the heck i am talking about. yet another example that the thoughts in my head dont necessarily translate well to the outside world. allow me to explain...

*clearing my throat*

when infertile sally wants to have a baby she will most likely have to undergo many ultrasounds to check her innards. the method of said ultrasounds is not the typical goop-on-the-belly ultrasound like is seen in most movies when an already pregnant woman goes in for an ultrasound. oh no my friend...sally gets the pleasure of enduring the "internal wand probe" which, much like it sounds, is essentially a giant dildo-thing with an ultrasound camera on the end. so...when sally is in the process of receiving said "internal wand probe" ultrasound it is not uncommon for her to feel like a human corn-dog. there you have it.

third order if business is to share that yet another medical practitioner commented on how "easy" i am. what the hell!?!?! if you remember from THIS post, apparently i am "easy" to perform an insemination on. well this morning we had the following conversation with our ultrasound technician:

ultrasound tech: wow. you're so easy!

corn-dog me: um... excuse me?

ultrasound tech: its so easy to find your ovaries on the screen. i love giving ultrasounds to you because typically women aren't this easy.

*sigh*

if only i had a dollar for every time i heard that.

yeah, your grandma kicked my ass...so what?!

in an attempt to get my ass at least a little bit more in shape (studies show that being 10 or more pounds overweight can negatively affect fertility...*rolling my eyes*)....i took my first water aerobics class tonight. the class was held at the senior center which means that i was the youngest member of the class by about 20 years.

when i first got there, the pool was packed with women...mostly young, blond and stereotypically pretty....so i was slightly irritated. if i wanted to be around physical trainers and fake tanned barbies, i would have used the pool on campus! much to my shock however, when the class ended and the group began to exit the pool, every single one of them had big ol' pregnant bellies. wtf?? just what i need...yet another reminder of my barren womb. i laughed to myself as i looked around at my classmates, "i bet these old ladies are more fertile than i am!". then, mostly out of guilt, i thought to myself..."hey! maybe the herd of preggies left some fertile energy in the pool!!" (trying to not think about limited bladder control that most of them were probably experiencing. *dry heave*)

anyway...i digress....the class started out as i suspected, a total yawn. we bounced around a little and stretched our muscles but nothing even remotely strenuous. in fact, 2 of the women had their sunglasses on top of their heads the entire time, all but one of the women in the group had at least a pint of hairspray (most likely aerosol aqua net) in their hair, and 2 were wearing dangle bead earrings. i was clearly in the "no water above the neckline" class.

as the class continued i spent most of the time trying to come up with an excuse to leave. the pool's lap lanes (all TWO of them!) were as empty as my uterus and they were calling my name. just as i was about to make my exit, the instructor called out "baby frogs!!" which i soon realized meant that the class was picking up speed. good.

"baby frogs" basically means that you jump in place but when you bring your knees up, you try to bring your knee caps out of the water on either side of your body. it took me a minute to get the hang of it but once i did it was actually kinda fun. jump.... jump... jump.... oh, this is fun... jump... jump...wow, im starting to feel out of breath...jump... jump...hm, interesting. could i possibly be getting an actual workout at the senior center!??! jump....jump....jump...

as i continued to baby frog, my knees dropped lower and lower with each jump.... jump....jump....we should be stopping at any moment... jump....jump....jump.... surely the instructor must have lost track of time or messed up the counts... jump....jump...jump....(instructor's voice) "ok ladies- keep jumping, but now bring those arms over your head!".... jump...reaching up...jump....reaching up...jump....reaching up....starting to feel panicked.... jump.... is this instructor trying to kill these old people??....jump...jump... i start to look around in a desperate attempt to make eye contact with one of the old bags.... but... jump....jump.... they are all jumping and chatting and laughing....what the??....jump....this cant be... jump...jump...how the HELL are they still jumping....jump... jump...and i can see all of their knee caps.... jump...jump... wiping water out of my face.... and how the HELL do they keep their hair so dry??.... jump... jump... (the instructor's voice) "ok ladies-"....jump... oh good, we are about to stop... jump... jump..."-time to get serious! no more baby frogs- lets start to MAMA FROG JUMP!"

??!?!?!?!?!?!

*heavy defeated sigh*

no wonder god wont give me a baby... i just got SCHOOLED by a bunch of old ladies!!!

*tail tucked*

cant wait till class on wednesday!

sick humor to help ease the pain....

doing the pee-pee dance

so... i have officially reached the "i'm doing the pee-pee dance because i'm too scared to go to the bathroom" stage. ill probably end up with a urinary tract infection at this rate but its just so damn stressful!! since i'm at day 13 post IUI (which is day 27 of my cycle) and in the past i have started spotting anywhere from day 11-13 post IUI (day 26-30 of my cycle), each trip to the bathroom now feels like im walking on death row. ok...ill admit it, that was a bit dramatic but you get the point. in order to take my mind off of my full bladder, i have written a little limerick.

*clearing my throat*

oh woe is meeee
i have to peeee
my bladder is filling up to my head.

but pee i wont
cuz i really dont
wanna wipe and see any red.

*taking a bow*
thank you.

laughter is the best medicine

this awesome blog has some great stuff including a "you might be an infertile if..." list. here are some of my favorites from the list...

You Might Be An Infertile If…

1. If somebody has ever asked you the date, and you said Day 21.
2. If you forget that the entire world doesn’t know what an HSG is.
3. If you’ve had three people in a room look at your hoohaa and it not make you uncomfortable.
4. If you wake up and the first thing you reach for isn’t a cup of coffee but a thermometer.
5. If you have ever seen your internal organs on a plasma tv.
6. If you reach into your fridge and instead of getting milk you accidentally grab a hand full of needles, injection pens, or vials.
7. If you’ve put your feet in stirrups more times than you’ve had sex in a week.
8. If you have ever considered the following to get pregnant: Getting completely intoxicated, sex in the back of car, smoking after sex, in every position created, with a condom on, drinking more V8 juice, propping your hips up, acupuncture.
9. If you’ve ever displayed a chart of your temperature, cervical position and mucus, and times you’ve had sex on your fridge.
10. If you’ve ever played the “I’ll be pregnant by then” game for longer than a year.
11. If you’ve ever been caught staring longingly at a pregnant woman’s belly.
12. If you’ve ever wondered if it would be considered a threesome if the two nurses in the room and yourself manage to get you pregnant.
13. If the most action you’ve seen in a while is the camera that closely resembles a vibrator your doctor’s office uses.
14. If you’ve ever shot up in a bathroom stall and it was perfectly legal.
15. If you feel like you are constantly speaking in acronyms that nobody seems to understand.
16. If you know more about your reproductive organs and the female body than all of your girlfriends combined.
17. If you have ever been placed on birth control to achieve pregnancy.
18. If you have put out more money for medications than vacations in the past year.
19. If you measure your life in two week increments. If you avoid alcohol, smoking, hot baths, hot tubs, saunas, and caffeine.
20. You glare at parents who don’t truly appreciate their children, and scowl at the ones who complain.
21. You literally laugh at people who ask when you are going to have children.
22. With the money you’ve paid for fertility treatments you could have bought yourself a summer home in Fiji.
23. You actually hate one of your body parts.
24. You honestly believe that wearing white underwear or purchasing a pregnancy test will bring on your period.
25. You have no problems discussing cervical mucus, your period, sexual positions, or the color of whatever IT is that is leaking out of you.
26. If you actually know how thick your uterus is, how many sperm are required, or how many follicles you have.
27. If you find it a miracle that people actually manage to get pregnant.
28. If your medical file is thicker than a Bible.
29. If you become obsessed with the numbers, your uterine lining, cells, sperm, embryos, follicles…
30. If you have a degree from Google Med and an advanced degree from WebMD.
31. You’ve honestly considered buying a white lab coat and having your name monogramed on it, because you know nearly as much as your doctor.
32. You’ve analyzed your saliva for patterns that would indicate you are ovulating.
33. You are on a first name basis with your pharmacist.
34. You have ever seriously considering punching somebody for telling you to relax, and would feel completely justified in doing so.
35. If the word cycling has nothing to do with riding a bike.
36. If you’ve ever argued with your partner about which method you are going to use to try and get pregnant next.
37. If you’ve ever carried on a conversation with your ovaries or considered redecorating your uterus because someone told you it was inhospitable.
38. If you’ve ever found yourself yelling at your spell checker, because IUI and IVF are real abbreviations for some important procedures and damn the creator for not including them in their programming!
39. You know that your birds and the bees discussion with your child will read more like a medical dissertation.
40. If you’ve ever been thankful for having a fat roll, as it makes injections more comfortable.

May Day

as many of you know, i dont celebrate holidays. "christmas spirit" for me includes a protest of capitalist consumer culture and a resistance to christian privilege. valentines day is just another way to make couples spend money and to make single people feel like losers. the 4th of july...aka "celebrate white people's independence day"... totally ignores the roots of slavery and racism in this country and expects us to decorate our houses with various items painted in red white and blue to prove our patriotism (all items can conveniently be purchased at walmart). dont even get me started on rape and pillage day....err, i mean thanksgiving.

it is a common joke that the only holiday that i can celebrate these days is arbor day because come on, who can argue against trees?? but alas! i think i might have found another one! *drum roll*.......................may day.

now many of you know may day as international workers rights day where we celebrate labor unions, equal pay and other various labor rights issues. while i dont have any particular beef with this interpretation of may day what i learned today is that the roots of may day arent actually with labor rights.... it has to do with FERTILITY! *yay!*

apparently much of our present day knowledge about may day stems from the ancient celtic tradition called beltane (which btw means "return of the sun"). historically beltane was a time for celebration of spring and fertility.

"Depending on your particular tradition, there are many different ways you can celebrate Beltane, but the focus is nearly always on fertility. It's the time when the earth mother opens up to the fertility god, and their union brings about healthy livestock, strong crops, and new life all around."

apparently the beltane season is a perfect time for planting a garden or starting a family. (hence the relevance to this blog.) there are lots of ways that the beltane season is celebrated across the world but here are just a few that we are considering:

1. "In ancient Rome, it wasn’t uncommon for the master of the land to take his wife out to the fields and have sex right there on the ground. If you had a lot of land, this could take all day, but it was practically guaranteed to ensure that the field would be fertile and productive once your slaves got the planting done."
   
   

   (ok... there are clearly a number of issues with this option. first, we have low fences in our back yard. second, there are tons of pine cones and pine needles on the ground that could prove to be quite uncomfortable. third, we have yet to pick up the dog poop from the last snow storm. and finally, we dont have slaves)



2. "In some traditions, menstruating women add a bit of their blood to the soil to add potency. It's a scientific fact that blood contains a lot of nutrients, so it makes sense to blend this in with the dirt before planting."
   
   

   (Aunt Flo is currently visiting NM but im not sure that one woman is enough. is anyone else available to come share your "nutrients" with our back yard?)



3. "In Crete, a sword dance called the Kuortes was held each spring. During the Kourtes, a group of men gathered together, moving in unison with sticks or swords. Although it sounds warrior-like, it wasn’t a martial dance but one that scholars say promoted fertility. If you think about it, banging a stick or sword on the freshly plowed earth has quite a bit of fertility symbolism."
   
   

   (the only men we know are gay so i fear that they would bang swords against swords rather than against the earth. *slapping my knee*... get it? banging swords?? *drying my eyes* gay-male humor is the best)



4. "In Nagoya, Japan, residents still celebrate the annual Honen-sai festival. This is held each year in the spring, to make sure the crops will be plentiful, and includes a parade - the highlight of which is a giant penis on a float. The penis, carved from a cypress tree, is about fourteen feet long and quite impressive indeed."
   
   

   (since i work with victims everyday im afraid that a 14 foot penis might put me over the edge. i already have to practically beg my body to not kill sperm!)

anywhoo... the point of this post is that today is fertility day which i think is a great sign of things to come. *big smile*

wow, youre easy to get into!

we had another insemination yesterday and this time around we had a new nurse. although she isnt nearly as funny as our usual nurse-michelle, jennifer was still pretty cool. she included NM in the process by chatting with her and letting her confirm the correct number on the vial. we had 2 vials left so we were concerned about whether or not we would need to use 2 again this month but as it turns out, there were 17 million of the little swimmers in one vial. woo-hoo!

im not sure if this is the case for many other people but for me, one of the worst parts of inseminations is the fact that i cant go to the bathroom all day! we leave foco in the morning and by the time we get to the doctor in denver, i gotta pee like a race horse! they claim that a full bladder helps with the insemination but i still dread it every time. its especially hard because i cant pee afterwards since i dont want to flush $700 down the toilet!

i was up on the table this time trying to focus on not peeing on the floor while we waited for the nurse. then NM blurts out, "man, im really gonna have to stop at the bathroom before we leave!". i wanted to smack her but i was afraid that the movement would make me pee.
NJ: *whispering* "youre kidding me, right??".
NM: *whispering* "no, i really gotta go"
NJ: *whispering louder* "well how the hell do you think i feel!?? try putting your feet up in these stirrups!"
NM: *whispering even louder* "well you shouldnt have finished that entire coffee on the way here!"
NJ: *long stare* "youre kidding me, right?"
NM: *whispering louder* "im serious!"
NJ: "i swear, if you even THINK about peeing before we leave you will never hear the end of it!"
*the nurse enters the room*

the insemination went along with no problems. im very fortunate that i dont get the intense cramping that many women talk about. perhaps this is due to the fact that im "easy to get into"...a fact that michelle had pointed out a number of cycles ago. jennifer wasnt nearly as animated but she did comment on "how easy that was!". (insert jersey girl jokes here).

i guess we shall see. *fingers crossed*