Friday, July 29, 2011

and then jersey punched her computer screen...

yo... is anyone else getting trapped in the never ending loop of login screens and comment verification codes anytime you try to post a comment on another blog?!? AAAAAHHHHH!!!

i was about to set myself on fire from frustration but i think i might have found the solution...

1. close all of your open browsers except one.
2. while that browser is open, click on "tools", then "internet options"
3. under "browsing history" click "delete" (i was pretty much going for the enema of computer cleaning so i chose to click all of the boxes. you could experiment and see if it still works without wiping it all out.)
4. go back to blogger and login WITHOUT clicking on the "remember me" box. leave that box unclicked... apparently this is the secret solution. *shrug*

i have no idea how permanent this solution is... but it worked for me so i thought i would pass it along as a temporary fix for anyone who is about to destroy their computer. feel free to comment with other solutions/tricks that might work better than this!

Friday, July 15, 2011

"congrats! wanna hear a nightmare adoption story?"

the process of telling people about our news has been fa-scin-a-ting. by far the most common response goes something like this:

"oh my god!! im so excited for you!! what are the chances that she might change her mind?"

while this question definitely comes from a good place (ie. wanting to protect us from harm), it has started to get pretty annoying. i have decided that from now on, when i see a pregnant woman im gonna say "congrats! im so excited for you! what are the chances that the baby could die?". lol. kidding, kidding. but you get the point.

another interesting thing that we are learning is that most people expect that we will be adopting an older child. when we mention that we will be at the hospital when he is born people often say, "wait... youre getting a baby??! like a baby baby?!?" then the excitement goes through the roof.

these reactions remind me of how many misconceptions i used to have about adoption, birthmothers, legal nightmares, etc etc. its funny how something that once seemed so foreign and scary has now become so run-of-the-mill.

anywho... i have gotten lots of questions about what we know so here goes:

* birthmother is a 19 year old college student
* birthfather knows about the baby and has already signed away his parental rights. (this is a big deal because if the birthfather isnt int he picture, we would have to run ads in newspapers announcing the adoption to give him a chance to come forward. as you can imagine, few people even read the paper anymore so there is always a fear that a birthdad could resurface and say, "i had no idea this baby existed and i want rights")
* birthmom is super healthy... no drugs or alcohol.
* birth family lives locally and all seem to support her choice for adoption

the only somewhat negative part about the birthmom is that at this point, she prefers a closed adoption. for folks who dont know, a closed adoption means that we wont get to meet her or know any identifying information about her or her family. we had really hoped to have an open adoption so that our kid could have access to his birth family and grow to know them. we believe that everyone has the right to know where they come from so this part is kind of a bummer. its not that we would want to co-parent with them or anything... but occasional visits and photo updates would have been great.

our caseworker said that the birthmom is feeling super overwhelmed right now and is pretty miserable physically. it sounds like the pregnancy has been really rough on her so we are hopeful that maybe after all is said and done... and some time has passed... she will reconsider the no-contact rule. *fingers crossed!*

let the roller coaster begin!

Written on June 30th at 11am

its been a little over 48 hours since we received the news and its juuust starting to sink in. yesterday was a rough day for me and im not entirely sure that i have figured out why yet. i spent most of the afternoon crying and crying and crying... with little understanding of what, exactly, was making me upset.

after processing with NM and a couple of close friends, i think that it all boils down to a feeling of loss. i know that probably sounds strange since we finally seem to be GAINING a family member... and im not sure if anyone else has felt this way immediately after hearing news about being picked.... but its like im suddenly TERRIFIED that i will lose NM through all of this. like i fear that one day we will wake up, roll over and think "i hate my life. when did everything go wrong?". you know those couples who were once so in love but somewhere along they way they lost each other? *sigh*

a friend told me, "dont worry about that. NM would never leave you and even if she did, you would be totally fine". on one hand i get it. im strong and independent and *waiving finger in the air* dont need no' man to make me happy. i pretty much majored in feminist discourse so i get it. its not so much that i fear NM leaving or being a single mom... its that i fear losing HER in the process of day-to-day life. like losing who she is. im so afraid that as we inevitably shift and change to accommodate this new path in our life, that we will lose the very things that are so wonderful about us right now.

as i know i have mentioned, i have a history with self injury and have struggled with suicidal thoughts/actions. i have worked SO. FREAKIN. HARD to dig myself out of the depths and work towards a life of meaning, balance, integrity and love. i honestly NEVER thought i would be where i am today and i never dreamed that i would end up in a marriage like the one i have been blessed (in a totally non-christian way, of course *wink*) to have. so i think that maybe whats going on for me right now is that im standing on the edge of be-careful-what-you-wish-for and realizing that with great change also comes great risk.

sometimes i think i must be crazy to be feeling like this. the thing i have wanted for 3 freaking years is finally coming true... why would i be sad about anything?!?! but then i think that maybe this is a great way to enter into a new family dynamic. i want to make sure NM and i are committed to keeping our marriage as the priority and remembering that our relationship was what made this family possible in the first place.

dont get me wrong, im gonna love the shit outta this little dude. and im fully prepared for the fact that the first year will pretty much be non-stop baby. i guess im just trying to say that it is my intention that NM and i remain the strong family unit that we were before he got here. i dont know a better model to show him that love, respect, humor and commitment are possible in a marriage.


in the meantime, ill work to stop crying. lol.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

the apprentice

Written on June 28th, 2011 5:00pm

if all goes according to plan, in exactly 2 months from today....  we will be meeting our new baby. wow, that feels weird to write.

as i wrote about in THIS post, we received notice that our paperwork was due to expire in july and needed to be updated. part of this packet includes the reference forms which need to be filled out by various members of our community. my best friend is one of our references and since she lives out of state, i called and left a message for our new caseworker (who we havent met yet) to see if the forms could be emailed rather than snail-mailed.

so, yesterday we receive an email from the caseworker inviting us to come in and meet her in person and hear about "some new updates". i read the email out loud to NM and immediately said, "what if 'new updates' means that they arent working with gay couples anymore??!!"  i was nervous but responded and set a meeting for 9:45 the next morning.

the next morning we get to the agency and were greeted by M2 who you might remember from THIS post. it had been nearly a friggin YEAR since we last saw her, so she hugged us and welcomed us into the conference room. i thought that the crew in the conference room must have been finishing up a meeting or something because there were like 6 people in there, sitting around the table.

they invited us to sit down and i suddenly got VERY nervous. i thought, "omg... they are totally gonna kick us out of the program for being gay!!"

we took our seats at the table and waited for the director of the agency to speak. before she had a chance i said, "man, i feel like im on the apprentice." ... after which, nobody laughed.

there were nervous looks between staff at the table and finally, the director said, "we are really excited to report that we have some good news. a birthmother has chosen you two."

um, WHAT?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

M2 chimed in and told us that birthmom is due to give birth at the end of august (LIKE IN 60 days??!!?) and then asked, "would you like to know what she is having?"

we both responded "YES!!" in unison, without even looking at each other.

"its a boy. congratulations, you are gonna have a baby boy."

she shared that the birthmother was in 2 weeks prior (while we were in vegas!!) and was flipping through portfolios when she got to ours and said, "well, lets see what the girls have to say". M2 said that typically birthmoms skim portfolios but our birthmom took her time reading the details, cover to cover and even after putting ours down to look at others, she kept coming back to the feeling that we were/are the right fit. i totally love that she was deliberate and intentional in her process of choosing... it was really validating and made me feel honored.

im realizing right now that one day, a grown man could be reading this and learning about the day his parents found out he was gonna be their son.


thats still a weird word.


as you can imagine, its a whirlwind here. we have 8 weeks to prepare and 3 of those weeks we will be traveling out of state. so... FIVE weeks to get ready for a tiny human. since i am not releasing these posts publicly yet, by the time you are reading this, we may have even LESS time. aaaahhh!!!!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


ok, ok... its time for me to "come out" on this blog. about 2 weeks ago, we were called to the adoption agency for a "quick meeting" and found out that we have been selected by a birthmother. aaaahhhh! i have been blogging about the process (and my meltdowns!!) ever since, but havent been able to publish the posts because the news was still top secret. now that most of the people in our lives know... im free to shout it from the rooftops!!

so, here is the first post i wrote- about 2 hours after we found out.

June 28, 2011


we got picked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

more info to come.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Challenge 9, 10 & 12

challenge 9 - how important you think education is
ok, this is pretty much the dumbest question ever. but... ill play along and answer by saying that as an educator, i believe education is very very very important. 

challenge 10 - first 10 songs on shuffle
we have a "family" ipod in our house which NM is mostly in charge of. so, answering this question as it is written would tell you more about NM's music tastes than it would about mine. but again, to play along... if i WERE to have an ipod, and that ipod were switched on "shuffle", im sure the top 10 songs would include bjork, a tribe called quest, adele, rihanna, regina spektor and julieta venegas. im a big fan of lyrics and tend to connect more to the storytelling aspect of music than i do to the musical quality-ness. (clearly, im not a musician). i can typically hear a song once or twice and know most of the lyrics. but ask me to identify which instruments are involved in making a song and i wouldnt have a clue. well, other than the cello and banjo... my 2 favorite instruments.

challenge 12 - five men i find attractive
the hard part about this question is that so much of what makes a person "attractive" to me is their character. what i mean by this is that almost anyone, with the right amount of authenticity and strength of character can be attractive. and on the flip side, even the hottest of all hotties can suddenly lose all their attractiveness when they act like an ass. so, here is my best attempt at answering this question.

*resisting the urge to list marky mark 5 times*

#5 - dhani jones

#4 - jake gyllenhaal

#3 - johnny depp (especially as Roux)

#2 brandon pereyda (from cirque du soleil)

#1 - marky