Showing posts with label homophobic doctors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label homophobic doctors. Show all posts

Friday, September 18, 2009

WWIJD? (what would infertile jesus do)


ug. im in a bad mood. *folding arms and pouting*
we had an appointment for yet another corn-dogging this morning and even though that alone is enough to put anyone in a bad mood, we also had a pretty annoying conversation with the nurse.

we are hoping for an insemination this month (my last attempt) but we havent figured out how to get the swimmers to this new doctor's office. we have one rogue vial left at the other doctor in denver and apparently no one can figure out how we can get it shipped to the new doctor, 60 miles away. so then, the nurse comes in today and we have the following interaction:

nurse: i just talked to the doctor and we have bad news.
NJ: ok.
nurse: since we cant verify the quality of the specimen that you have at the other doctor's office we cant in good conscience use it for an insemination. sorry.
NJ: wait, im confused. what do you mean?
nurse: well, the doctor said that we really have no way of knowing what happened with that vial or how it was processed or handled so it would be irresponsible for us to use it. so we cant.
NJ: how it was handled? its been sitting in storage at the other doctor's office.
nurse: i know...but we cant be sure how it was processed so we cant in good conscience use it.
NJ: but the vial cost us $600. we certainly cant just throw it away.
nurse: *fake sympathetic smile* i imagine this is difficult.
NJ: so you're telling me that the doctor will only use vials that come directly from a cryobank?
nurse: im not sure. you see, the thing is... we dont typically deal with things like this.
NJ: *seething. and silent*


"things like this"?? what like, GAY people? ooohhh, did the gays throw a monkey wrench into your heteronormative medical procedures?

*deep breath*

so then, she also said that i have to go back for yet another corn-dogging on monday! WTF?! 3 ultrasounds in one month! im not katie holmes!!

im just so done with this whole process. its hard to make major decisions that involve major amounts of money when you don't really know if what they are telling you is legit. do i need 3 ultrasounds within 10 days? *shrug* how the hell am i supposed to know?! so there we are, forking over $300 for each one, not knowing if this is just some dumb protocol that helps pad their wallets!

and the other shitty thing is that i still cant completely shake the fears from the homophobic rumors. i want to believe that they are only rumors...but in the back of my mind i cant help but wonder. and i feel like i have to be on my best behavior and not challenge the system too much (which is nearly impossible for me) because otherwise their homophobia will cause them to screw us over. i know, i know... people arent that vindictive and im overreacting and i should learn to trust people more and and and... but when you have thousands of dollars on the line, its silly to not do everything you can to ensure success. its strange to be sitting in a doctor's office worrying about how likable you are and making sure that you try to do and say the right things so they will like you enough to not screw you over. i feel like im at some dating service trying to impress the staff so they will hook me up with a hottie.

and the other thing that kinda bugs me about this doctor is their facilities. i told NM that every time we go there i feel like i go back in time to the 70's. the walls have wood paneling and you can see the dust that has settled in between the panels. there are hand towels (yes, like actual towels) in the bathroom for people to dry their hands on. (is that even sanitary?!?!) and i swear they have the exact same pillow cases as my grandmother! you know how most doctors will use plain white pillow cases and then pull the paper over the top of the pillow? well not these guys. you have to lay your head on the same nasty ass pillowcase as who knows how many other women. laying on the table makes me feel like i went back in time 40 years and im in some guy's living room asking for an abortion!

we left the appointment and went home to do the third shot of follistim and i got this overwhelming feeling of relief that this will be my last time going through this madness. after taking the summer off from TTC i was excited to be back in the process again... but each passing day and each irritating experience and each bruise on my belly from the shots, seems to leave me feeling less tolerant of putting myself through this mess. enough is enough. we will go into this cycle with a positive attitude, zero expectations and lots of hope. and although i know that a failure this time will be sad and heavy and hard to recover from... in a small way, it will feel very freeing to be done putting my body through this.





Wednesday, June 24, 2009

infertile sell-out or is adoption the new pregnant??


you might have noticed that i have added some new blogs to the "you should read these blogs too..." list. if you play the sesame street "one of these things is not like the others" game, you will notice that these new blogs are about adoption. *gasp!* (enter dramatic soap opera music). those of us who follow TTC blogs will know that "adoption talk" typically equals "giving up hope" on ever getting pregnant. im certainly not there...yet.

our appointment with dr. to-be-or-not-to-be-a-homophobe went surprisingly well. we were treated very nicely by the front desk staff who asked me (without stuttering once) "is she (gesturing to NM) your partner?". they included NM in paperwork and asked for her insurance information as well. (not sure why since we aren't legally tied....but the gesture was still nice).

i only had one....ok, two... minor freak outs while filling out the paper work. the first one went a little something like this:

NJ:
"look at the top of this form... it asks for my name, address, date of birth, and marital status. no big deal. but THEN it asks, 'How long have you been married?' AND 'How many times have you been married?'. WTF?? what does THAT have to do with anything??"
NM: *shrugs* "just leave it blank"
NJ: "Just leave it blank??? it makes NO sense that they would need to know how many times a patient has been married! even if i had been married 190 times...what does that have to do with my medical care today??"
NM: "but you haven't been married 190 times, so leave it blank."

i left it blank.

freak out number 2 looked like this:
NJ: *very audible sigh*
NM: "what now?"
NJ: "look at this form... what am i supposed to write???"
NM: "the form asks if you are legally married...?"
NJ: "i realize that. what am i supposed to say?"
NM: "we aren't legally married."
NJ: "we are legally married in Massachusetts!!!"
NM: (pause) "but....we aren't in Massachusetts...so leave it blank."
NJ: "but that means i have to put 'single'! that's a lie! i AM legally married to you! its not MY fault that colorado doesn't recognize it!!"
NM: "then put that you are married!"
NJ: "but we aren't married here!"
NM: (gives me the "are you serious right now?" look)
NJ: (pause) "ooh, i have an idea... how about i leave it blank?"


once we handed in the paperwork it was smooth sailing from there. while in the waiting room i flipped through a magazine about adoption and thought it was odd that they would have adoption magazines in a fertility clinic. that's kinda like having wheel chair brochures at an orthopedic surgeon's office. i would hope that the majority of patients wouldn't need information about adoption after using their services. *scratching my head*


we were called to the back by one of the PAs who sat with us in a consultation room. i have since renamed her Lesbo McDyke because i could barely hear her over the loud beeping of my gaydar alarm. NM and i laughed later about how my earlier emails and calls (the ones where i accused the office of being homophobic) caused them to choose Lesbo McDyke as our PA. regardless, she was cool. i pretty much knew i was gonna like her when she said, "The doctor will have a whole butt load of information for you". "butt load" and wood paneling in a doctors office?? this was my kinda place!

dr. turned-out-to-not-be-a-homophobe was pretty cool. he wasnt wearing a wedding ring but mentioned his "wife" on a few occasions. i thought this was a sign that he is an adulterer but NM said that it might mean that he isn't super rigid about traditional marriage roles. *shrug*

he said that we aren't crazy to try "2 to 3 more times" with me before "changing the plan". given that this doctor does 2 inseminations per cycle though means that 2 additional tries could be the equivalent of 4 tries with the other doctor! i cant really start talking about the finances right now because...well, i dont want to end up braking my keyboard from typing so hard. im sure that it will be another post all of its own. stay tuned for that rant.

i digress...

the point of this post is actually that we are tossing around the idea of adoption. im honestly not sure how i feel about it... and by "tossing around" i mean that we have had the following interaction:

NJ:
"maybe we should meet with an adoption agency just to hear what they have to say."
NM: "tight. great idea".

so today i called the local agency that works with GLBT families. their website even has photos of gay couples! we have an appointment in 2 weeks with a specialist who will fill us in on the deets about the process. again, im not giving up hope... we are just expanding our net to include other possibilities.

*nod*

lets just hope that the specialist doesnt ask me if we are married. *smile*

Monday, June 22, 2009

cry me a river.


time off from TTC has been kinda nice. no charts or graphs or shots or opk's or counting days...i almost feel like a regular ol' person again. we have officially left our doctor and have our first consult with the new doctor tomorrow afternoon. im feeling both excited and nervous about the whole thing. here's why....

im feeling excited because it will be our first experience with the doctor in town that has a reputation for being homophobic. wait, that didnt come out right. what i mean is that im excited about meeting with a new doctor. period. im also somewhat excited (but also apprehensive) about meeting mr. new-doctor-the-homophobe to see if he is or is not a bigot. more investigation "on the street" has indicated that perhaps it was his father (who started the practice) who was homophobic but our doctor (the son) apparently isnt. i suppose only time will tell. it will be nice to travel 2 minutes to doctor appointments rather than the typical hour plus. an hour long appointment would require 3.5 hours off of work for me and NM. it will be nice to have less demand on our schedules. given that he is the only RE in a 60 mile radius...lets hope for a negative result on the bigot test...otherwise its back to road-tripping it for every ultrasound. grr!

im feeling nervous because our new doctor doesnt take our insurance. this isnt a super huge deal because most of the costs associated with TTC arent covered by any insurance company anyway. but, things like the initial consult ($450), blood work ($150) and ultrasounds ($270) will now be added to the pile of costs with each passing unsuccessful month.

i had a breakdown-of-sorts last weekend when NM and i sat down to look at our finances. we were hoping to put in a new back yard patio (nothing fancy...just some flagstone) but when we took into account the money that we will start spending again on TTC...little else fits into the budget. we are down to one vial of swimmers which means we need to re-order before we start any additional procedures. when i looked at our finances and thought about the fact that we are about to spend thousands of additional dollars in what might be a feeble attempt at pregnancy...i broke down.

its not so much the amount of money that bothers me....its the uncertainty of it all. im not the type of person who has ever enjoyed gambling and TTC feels like im standing at a poker table in vegas with $5000 in my hand! if i knew with 100% confidence that spending 5 or 10 or 15 thousand bucks would result in a child...i would say, "go for it!". but when looking at the plans that NM and i have for our future, do i really want to waste 5 or 10 or 15 thousand dollars on trying unsuccessfully to have baby!? *sigh* the whole thing makes me feel nauseous.

taking this time off from TTC has made having a child seem less imperative. not so much in the out-of-sight-out-of-mind kind of way...its just that taking a break from the constant mental strain of it all has allowed space and energy for other things.

and.... at the same time, as we watch 4 couples in our lives as they start (or add to) their families...its hard to not feel even more desperate to add to our own. last weekend we happened to see all 4 of these couples at various points throughout the day and the cumulative impact was hard. its not that im not happy for each of them... i totally am. and its not that i cant be around or talk about babies... because i totally can. i think that the thing that feels hardest is how far away the possibility feels for me and NM. we are no where close to conceiving so its hard to grasp that it will be a year (at LEAST) before we have the chance to experience children together.

this post has turned into a bit of a whiny sad story which wasnt what i had intended so i think ill stop here. *fingers crossed* for a positive experience at the new doctor. im feeling hopeful about what he will have to say.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

the water is cold!! *brrr*

its been a few weeks since aunt flo came to visit and im feeling better than i had expected. in true universe-will-take-care-of-you fashion, i got my period in the midst of one of the busiest 2 weeks of the year. between grading final exams and spending a week in the mountains on a student retreat, i had lots of stuff to keep my mind off of my bleeding womb. interestingly enough, two of our friends had a baby the day after i got my period and i didnt even break down after visiting them in the hospital. i left the visit thinking, "man, kids are a lot of work!" and took the opportunity to appreciate some time alone with NM................
(sidebar: welcome to baby maya!)

























.............thats not to say that i didnt have a few breakdowns. i certainly did. but interestingly enough, this time around the disappointment seemed to affect my general mood more than it created full blown breakdowns. i mostly just felt down and irritated. sorta like having a paper cut or a small pebble in my shoe. one positive thing about getting my period was the fact that i could go an entire day without cramps! (the small joys). fertility meds make you bloated and irritable and give you cramps...and then, just when you are ready to pull your hair out...your period brings a whole new level of crampy crapness!

so, needless to say, i have somewhat enjoyed having my body back to myself for the last 2 weeks. it has felt great to not have to worry about counting days or peeing on sticks or getting poked and prodded by the doctor.

and

at the same time, its somewhat sad to come to grips with the fact that we are no closer to having a kid of our own. as maddening as the TTWW is, at least there is hope that in the end we will get a positive prego stick. we are mostly spending these days trying to balance feeling relieved with feeling sad...relieved to have a break but sad that there isnt a baby in our future yet.

i can tell that we both are beginning to open our minds to the idea of talking about a new "plan". this never comes in the form of a full conversation with a list of actionable steps...typically the conversations happen in moments when we both know we dont have much time to talk about it, like while in line at the grocery store:

NM: look, john and kate are on the cover of people.
NJ: how sad. its terrible what the media has done to their family. speaking of family, how are you feeling about the idea of you trying to get prego next?
NM: (long pause)
NJ: oh look, its our turn to pay.

its not that we dont want to talk about the plan...its just been so nice to not have the daily "what if" conversation. "what if i dont get prego this time?", "what if we have to change donors?", "what if the new doctor is a homophobe?". i think we are both just slowly allowing ourselves to tip toe back into the frigid barren lesbo waters. *brrr*

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

will the real homophobe please stand up

there is one... count them one... insemination doctor in our town. his name is dr bachus and apparently he is a homophobe. we have never met him but "word on the street" is that he is totally pro-christian-crazy-evangelical-being-gay-is-a-sin. ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration but how are we to know where to draw the line??

we have been commuting to denver for the last year in an attempt to get prego. most months this can mean a 2 hour commute (there and back) between 2 and 4 times a month! we have tried to remain pretty upbeat about the fact that we commute to denver because we feel like it is worth it to make sure we arent being discriminated against. after 7 tries, im super glad that im not sitting here wondering if our doctor is intentionally messing up the insem in the hopes that it wont work. (isnt there something in the medical oath thing that would prevent this?? *shrug*) anywhoo... we have been somewhat happily commuting to denver because we want good medical care.

however, after our most recent doctor's appointment we have come to the realization that we might need to alter the plan. our doctor is basically giving up hope that my barren womb will ever allow a baby to grow. conveniently, the solutions she offered (IVF) costs over $10k. not exactly the kind of cash that we have laying around. so... we are back to the drawing board looking for new options..... one of which is homophobe bachus.

i sent an email to their website that basically said, "look, i know its illegal to say that you discriminate but be real with me... are you a homophobe or what??". i was much more professional in my actual message. i figured that a response would take a week or so but alas! someone responded right away! her name is clair or claudie or cleo.... i cant remember... and she basically said "whoever told you that is a dirty liar!". she was much more professional in her actual response. she said that they serve many gay couples and work very hard to create a welcoming environment for all clients.

i responded and said, "well if he isnt a homophobe, maybe he should do something to prove it...like including same sex couples on his website!" boo-ya! that will tell her!

so then she replied and said, "thats a great idea!".

so... now we are thinking of scheduling a consult with him to see what vibe we get in person. are we selling out?????