Friday, September 18, 2009

WWIJD? (what would infertile jesus do)

ug. im in a bad mood. *folding arms and pouting*
we had an appointment for yet another corn-dogging this morning and even though that alone is enough to put anyone in a bad mood, we also had a pretty annoying conversation with the nurse.

we are hoping for an insemination this month (my last attempt) but we havent figured out how to get the swimmers to this new doctor's office. we have one rogue vial left at the other doctor in denver and apparently no one can figure out how we can get it shipped to the new doctor, 60 miles away. so then, the nurse comes in today and we have the following interaction:

nurse: i just talked to the doctor and we have bad news.
NJ: ok.
nurse: since we cant verify the quality of the specimen that you have at the other doctor's office we cant in good conscience use it for an insemination. sorry.
NJ: wait, im confused. what do you mean?
nurse: well, the doctor said that we really have no way of knowing what happened with that vial or how it was processed or handled so it would be irresponsible for us to use it. so we cant.
NJ: how it was handled? its been sitting in storage at the other doctor's office.
nurse: i know...but we cant be sure how it was processed so we cant in good conscience use it.
NJ: but the vial cost us $600. we certainly cant just throw it away.
nurse: *fake sympathetic smile* i imagine this is difficult.
NJ: so you're telling me that the doctor will only use vials that come directly from a cryobank?
nurse: im not sure. you see, the thing is... we dont typically deal with things like this.
NJ: *seething. and silent*

"things like this"?? what like, GAY people? ooohhh, did the gays throw a monkey wrench into your heteronormative medical procedures?

*deep breath*

so then, she also said that i have to go back for yet another corn-dogging on monday! WTF?! 3 ultrasounds in one month! im not katie holmes!!

im just so done with this whole process. its hard to make major decisions that involve major amounts of money when you don't really know if what they are telling you is legit. do i need 3 ultrasounds within 10 days? *shrug* how the hell am i supposed to know?! so there we are, forking over $300 for each one, not knowing if this is just some dumb protocol that helps pad their wallets!

and the other shitty thing is that i still cant completely shake the fears from the homophobic rumors. i want to believe that they are only rumors...but in the back of my mind i cant help but wonder. and i feel like i have to be on my best behavior and not challenge the system too much (which is nearly impossible for me) because otherwise their homophobia will cause them to screw us over. i know, i know... people arent that vindictive and im overreacting and i should learn to trust people more and and and... but when you have thousands of dollars on the line, its silly to not do everything you can to ensure success. its strange to be sitting in a doctor's office worrying about how likable you are and making sure that you try to do and say the right things so they will like you enough to not screw you over. i feel like im at some dating service trying to impress the staff so they will hook me up with a hottie.

and the other thing that kinda bugs me about this doctor is their facilities. i told NM that every time we go there i feel like i go back in time to the 70's. the walls have wood paneling and you can see the dust that has settled in between the panels. there are hand towels (yes, like actual towels) in the bathroom for people to dry their hands on. (is that even sanitary?!?!) and i swear they have the exact same pillow cases as my grandmother! you know how most doctors will use plain white pillow cases and then pull the paper over the top of the pillow? well not these guys. you have to lay your head on the same nasty ass pillowcase as who knows how many other women. laying on the table makes me feel like i went back in time 40 years and im in some guy's living room asking for an abortion!

we left the appointment and went home to do the third shot of follistim and i got this overwhelming feeling of relief that this will be my last time going through this madness. after taking the summer off from TTC i was excited to be back in the process again... but each passing day and each irritating experience and each bruise on my belly from the shots, seems to leave me feeling less tolerant of putting myself through this mess. enough is enough. we will go into this cycle with a positive attitude, zero expectations and lots of hope. and although i know that a failure this time will be sad and heavy and hard to recover from... in a small way, it will feel very freeing to be done putting my body through this.


  1. i am so sorry you had such a hard day. and all of this is piling on so thick. hope you find that hopefulness sooner rather than later. we're all rooting for you here! -justine

  2. WTF is going on with that RE? Reused pillow cases and homophobes to boot? Do they have fake floral wreaths and kitten calendars on the walls too? I guess as long as they get the job done but that nonsense about the sperm is strange.

    I have big hopes for your next try. It wouldn't be the first time I'e heard of someone getting a bfp on their last attempt.

  3. I snorted right here at my desk at the wittyness of your "katie holmes" reference. That just about made my day!

    Now on to the serious stuff-- OMG-- WHAT IS UP WITH YOUR CLINIC??? Hand towels? No paper over the pillows? It gives me the jeebies just hearing about it! And that is complete and utter bullsh*t about the sample. There is no reason you can't use that sample! In fact when its thawed they can make sure its ok before they even squirt you up. Puhleeeeeze. Give me a break. It sounds like a very unfriendly place. Are you stuck with them, alone? (I don't know whether you have other places near you) maybe some kind of meeting with someone in charge about this is warrented. I am so pissed for you!

    And now for the positive part-- I am really hoping that this works, that this cycle is your ticket out of TTC hell... I have it ALL crossed for you!

  4. WTF?!? They can't trust a vial from CCB, one of the most reputable sperm banks out there, but it's A-okay to have you using some nasty-ass pillowcase that's been used by countless other women? That is just messed up. If Dr.Disgusting won't use your rogue vial, can you get the other office to release it to you directly? I know it's not ideal, but maybe you can use it for a home insem if you can't get a doctor to use it for IUI. That clinic is just fucked up. I am pissed off (and a little grossed out) on your behalf.

    Oh, and about the number of ultrasounds- my clinic always makes me come in for a lot of ultrasounds when I am doing injectables. I still think it's a way of squeezing as much money out of you as they can, but it seems to be standard practice at all clinics. But seriously, for $300 they can afford to pull the paper over the pillow.

  5. I'm so mad about their refusal to use the sperm. That's nothing other than homophobia, in my opinion. Ugh.

    I'm hoping for you this cycle.