thoughts on money and getting corn-dogged

*heavy sigh*

so... i called the RE to tell them that its CD1 and they called back with excited energy and a plan for the next few weeks. yay!

step one: baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning (it will be my first corn-dogging experience that early in the cycle. um... fun.)

step two: start clomid on CD 3. stop clomid on CD 7

step three: follistim 150 on CD 8, 9 & 10

step four: second ultrasound on CD 10

sounds exciting, right? ok, aside from CD2 corn-dogging....it sounds like a great plan, no?

*sigh*

what started as excitement about being back on the insemination horse quickly morphed into a panic attack about how the hell we are gonna pay for this.

step one = $300

step two = $40

step three = $125 per shot for a total of $375

step four = $300

for a total of $1,015. and that's not including the cost of new swimmers and the inseminations. new swimmers will cost us $2,570 (after we use our $1000 credit at CCB), shipping will be $200 and then we still have one rogue vial at the old doctor that we will have to spend $125 to get shipped to the new doctor. then each insemination costs around $200.

so... the grand total for getting back on the horse will be.... *drum roll*.....$4,310.

*dry heave*

how the hell can i justify spending this kind of money? that is more money than i get paid to teach an entire course for the entire semester! it makes me so frustrated... and sad. *sigh*

and you know, i fully understand that we...as a non-hetero unit...are gonna have to face some additional challenges when it comes to getting prego. i mean after all, we are going against mother nature's plan and all that jazz. i get it.

so im totally ok with the notion that we might have to deal with doctors or pay more money to get knocked up. im certainly not advocating for free sperm dispensers on every corner. (although, i wouldn't fight anyone who attempted to get such a system implemented). what is so annoying to me is the grandness of the bills... the shear enormity of the cost...and that it isn't applied to everyone the same, across the board.

for example, if we lived in massachusetts, much of these costs would be covered by insurance. then, after a certain number of attempts, the entire bill would be covered... even up to IVF! its a trip for me to read posts written by women living in mass who are sad because they are "getting down to only a few more IUI attempts before they will switch to IVF because its free". um....what?? dont get me wrong, i fully understand and support folks for feeling sad because they aren't getting prego the new-old-fashioned way with IUI. IVF is painful and long and pretty invasive. but shit... at least folks have the opportunity to take that next step! for less than $30,000!

i think two things are bugging me right now.

1. if folks in other states have a policy that saves them THOUSANDS of dollars then for god's sake we should all have access to that same option. its not like NM and i live in some backwards country where gays cant get married...err, wait. you get the point.

2. and.... its so frustrating to make a decision and then immediately second guess our decision. we have talked sooooo many times and for soooo long about whether we should just stop now and move towards adoption but in the end we want to experience the process of pregnancy as a family and the process of birth together as a family. so we make the decision to try again and then one conversation later im back to feeling sick and scared and discouraged. not to mention the fact that im one day into my period (read: emotional) and im not really looking forward to getting corn-dogged tomorrow at the doctor.

so, in closing... im kicking rocks right now. not boo-hoo for me because im gay and we can get prego. more like boo-hoo for me because we cant afford to even try.

cry me a river.

time off from TTC has been kinda nice. no charts or graphs or shots or opk's or counting days...i almost feel like a regular ol' person again. we have officially left our doctor and have our first consult with the new doctor tomorrow afternoon. im feeling both excited and nervous about the whole thing. here's why....

im feeling excited because it will be our first experience with the doctor in town that has a reputation for being homophobic. wait, that didnt come out right. what i mean is that im excited about meeting with a new doctor. period. im also somewhat excited (but also apprehensive) about meeting mr. new-doctor-the-homophobe to see if he is or is not a bigot. more investigation "on the street" has indicated that perhaps it was his father (who started the practice) who was homophobic but our doctor (the son) apparently isnt. i suppose only time will tell. it will be nice to travel 2 minutes to doctor appointments rather than the typical hour plus. an hour long appointment would require 3.5 hours off of work for me and NM. it will be nice to have less demand on our schedules. given that he is the only RE in a 60 mile radius...lets hope for a negative result on the bigot test...otherwise its back to road-tripping it for every ultrasound. grr!

im feeling nervous because our new doctor doesnt take our insurance. this isnt a super huge deal because most of the costs associated with TTC arent covered by any insurance company anyway. but, things like the initial consult ($450), blood work ($150) and ultrasounds ($270) will now be added to the pile of costs with each passing unsuccessful month.

i had a breakdown-of-sorts last weekend when NM and i sat down to look at our finances. we were hoping to put in a new back yard patio (nothing fancy...just some flagstone) but when we took into account the money that we will start spending again on TTC...little else fits into the budget. we are down to one vial of swimmers which means we need to re-order before we start any additional procedures. when i looked at our finances and thought about the fact that we are about to spend thousands of additional dollars in what might be a feeble attempt at pregnancy...i broke down.

its not so much the amount of money that bothers me....its the uncertainty of it all. im not the type of person who has ever enjoyed gambling and TTC feels like im standing at a poker table in vegas with $5000 in my hand! if i knew with 100% confidence that spending 5 or 10 or 15 thousand bucks would result in a child...i would say, "go for it!". but when looking at the plans that NM and i have for our future, do i really want to waste 5 or 10 or 15 thousand dollars on trying unsuccessfully to have baby!? *sigh* the whole thing makes me feel nauseous.

taking this time off from TTC has made having a child seem less imperative. not so much in the out-of-sight-out-of-mind kind of way...its just that taking a break from the constant mental strain of it all has allowed space and energy for other things.

and.... at the same time, as we watch 4 couples in our lives as they start (or add to) their families...its hard to not feel even more desperate to add to our own. last weekend we happened to see all 4 of these couples at various points throughout the day and the cumulative impact was hard. its not that im not happy for each of them... i totally am. and its not that i cant be around or talk about babies... because i totally can. i think that the thing that feels hardest is how far away the possibility feels for me and NM. we are no where close to conceiving so its hard to grasp that it will be a year (at LEAST) before we have the chance to experience children together.

this post has turned into a bit of a whiny sad story which wasnt what i had intended so i think ill stop here. *fingers crossed* for a positive experience at the new doctor. im feeling hopeful about what he will have to say.