WWIJD? (what would infertile jesus do)

ug. im in a bad mood. *folding arms and pouting*

we had an appointment for yet another corn-dogging this morning and even though that alone is enough to put anyone in a bad mood, we also had a pretty annoying conversation with the nurse.

we are hoping for an insemination this month (my last attempt) but we havent figured out how to get the swimmers to this new doctor's office. we have one rogue vial left at the other doctor in denver and apparently no one can figure out how we can get it shipped to the new doctor, 60 miles away. so then, the nurse comes in today and we have the following interaction:

nurse: i just talked to the doctor and we have bad news.

NJ: ok.

nurse: since we cant verify the quality of the specimen that you have at the other doctor's office we cant in good conscience use it for an insemination. sorry.

NJ: wait, im confused. what do you mean?

nurse: well, the doctor said that we really have no way of knowing what happened with that vial or how it was processed or handled so it would be irresponsible for us to use it. so we cant.

NJ: how it was handled? its been sitting in storage at the other doctor's office.

nurse: i know...but we cant be sure how it was processed so we cant in good conscience use it.

NJ: but the vial cost us $600. we certainly cant just throw it away.

nurse: *fake sympathetic smile* i imagine this is difficult.

NJ: so you're telling me that the doctor will only use vials that come directly from a cryobank?

nurse: im not sure. you see, the thing is... we dont typically deal with things like this.

NJ: *seething. and silent*

"things like this"?? what like, GAY people? ooohhh, did the gays throw a monkey wrench into your heteronormative medical procedures?

*deep breath*

so then, she also said that i have to go back for yet another corn-dogging on monday! WTF?! 3 ultrasounds in one month! im not katie holmes!!

im just so done with this whole process. its hard to make major decisions that involve major amounts of money when you don't really know if what they are telling you is legit. do i need 3 ultrasounds within 10 days? *shrug* how the hell am i supposed to know?! so there we are, forking over $300 for each one, not knowing if this is just some dumb protocol that helps pad their wallets!

and the other shitty thing is that i still cant completely shake the fears from the homophobic rumors. i want to believe that they are only rumors...but in the back of my mind i cant help but wonder. and i feel like i have to be on my best behavior and not challenge the system too much (which is nearly impossible for me) because otherwise their homophobia will cause them to screw us over. i know, i know... people arent that vindictive and im overreacting and i should learn to trust people more and and and... but when you have thousands of dollars on the line, its silly to not do everything you can to ensure success. its strange to be sitting in a doctor's office worrying about how likable you are and making sure that you try to do and say the right things so they will like you enough to not screw you over. i feel like im at some dating service trying to impress the staff so they will hook me up with a hottie.

and the other thing that kinda bugs me about this doctor is their facilities. i told NM that every time we go there i feel like i go back in time to the 70's. the walls have wood paneling and you can see the dust that has settled in between the panels. there are hand towels (yes, like actual towels) in the bathroom for people to dry their hands on. (is that even sanitary?!?!) and i swear they have the exact same pillow cases as my grandmother! you know how most doctors will use plain white pillow cases and then pull the paper over the top of the pillow? well not these guys. you have to lay your head on the same nasty ass pillowcase as who knows how many other women. laying on the table makes me feel like i went back in time 40 years and im in some guy's living room asking for an abortion!

we left the appointment and went home to do the third shot of follistim and i got this overwhelming feeling of relief that this will be my last time going through this madness. after taking the summer off from TTC i was excited to be back in the process again... but each passing day and each irritating experience and each bruise on my belly from the shots, seems to leave me feeling less tolerant of putting myself through this mess. enough is enough. we will go into this cycle with a positive attitude, zero expectations and lots of hope. and although i know that a failure this time will be sad and heavy and hard to recover from... in a small way, it will feel very freeing to be done putting my body through this.

those who cant birth, bake.

i love baking. if given my choice, i would spend all day, everyday baking.


i spent this past weekend working on my never-ending-thesis and baking two new recipes. the first recipe was one for jam thumbprint cookies. a few weekends ago we decided to can tomatoes and peach jam with some friends and like total amateurs, we bought WAY too many peaches and ended up with over 6 gallons of peach jam (not kidding). so, in search of a new recipe that would allow me to use up some of that jam, i made THESE cookies. they were pretty much the bomb.com.


the other recipe i attempted came from bakerella. i have wanted to make her famous cupcake balls for a while now but never had the courage. until this weekend. in another total lapse of judgement i also decided to try her cupcake pops. needless to say, mine didnt turn out nearly as good as hers.

i think my main problem was the thickness of the chocolate coating which didnt allow for much detail. anywhoo... im sure it takes a few attempts so ill try them again at some point.

this weekend also included a special little package on my doorstep.

......................drum roll..................................

three cheers for fertility meds!!

*deep game show voice* that's right folks, we have here 3 doses of follistim, 6 needles and an hsg shot.

but wait... there's more! just when you thought this offer couldnt get more exciting, there was one more thing in the box.....

....................drum roll..............................

a $432.00 bill!! *crowd goes wild*

*sigh*

at least we got one of those cool freezer packs out of the deal.

thoughts on money and getting corn-dogged

*heavy sigh*

so... i called the RE to tell them that its CD1 and they called back with excited energy and a plan for the next few weeks. yay!

step one: baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning (it will be my first corn-dogging experience that early in the cycle. um... fun.)

step two: start clomid on CD 3. stop clomid on CD 7

step three: follistim 150 on CD 8, 9 & 10

step four: second ultrasound on CD 10

sounds exciting, right? ok, aside from CD2 corn-dogging....it sounds like a great plan, no?

*sigh*

what started as excitement about being back on the insemination horse quickly morphed into a panic attack about how the hell we are gonna pay for this.

step one = $300

step two = $40

step three = $125 per shot for a total of $375

step four = $300

for a total of $1,015. and that's not including the cost of new swimmers and the inseminations. new swimmers will cost us $2,570 (after we use our $1000 credit at CCB), shipping will be $200 and then we still have one rogue vial at the old doctor that we will have to spend $125 to get shipped to the new doctor. then each insemination costs around $200.

so... the grand total for getting back on the horse will be.... *drum roll*.....$4,310.

*dry heave*

how the hell can i justify spending this kind of money? that is more money than i get paid to teach an entire course for the entire semester! it makes me so frustrated... and sad. *sigh*

and you know, i fully understand that we...as a non-hetero unit...are gonna have to face some additional challenges when it comes to getting prego. i mean after all, we are going against mother nature's plan and all that jazz. i get it.

so im totally ok with the notion that we might have to deal with doctors or pay more money to get knocked up. im certainly not advocating for free sperm dispensers on every corner. (although, i wouldn't fight anyone who attempted to get such a system implemented). what is so annoying to me is the grandness of the bills... the shear enormity of the cost...and that it isn't applied to everyone the same, across the board.

for example, if we lived in massachusetts, much of these costs would be covered by insurance. then, after a certain number of attempts, the entire bill would be covered... even up to IVF! its a trip for me to read posts written by women living in mass who are sad because they are "getting down to only a few more IUI attempts before they will switch to IVF because its free". um....what?? dont get me wrong, i fully understand and support folks for feeling sad because they aren't getting prego the new-old-fashioned way with IUI. IVF is painful and long and pretty invasive. but shit... at least folks have the opportunity to take that next step! for less than $30,000!

i think two things are bugging me right now.

1. if folks in other states have a policy that saves them THOUSANDS of dollars then for god's sake we should all have access to that same option. its not like NM and i live in some backwards country where gays cant get married...err, wait. you get the point.

2. and.... its so frustrating to make a decision and then immediately second guess our decision. we have talked sooooo many times and for soooo long about whether we should just stop now and move towards adoption but in the end we want to experience the process of pregnancy as a family and the process of birth together as a family. so we make the decision to try again and then one conversation later im back to feeling sick and scared and discouraged. not to mention the fact that im one day into my period (read: emotional) and im not really looking forward to getting corn-dogged tomorrow at the doctor.

so, in closing... im kicking rocks right now. not boo-hoo for me because im gay and we can get prego. more like boo-hoo for me because we cant afford to even try.

i survived surgery and a crack-head nurse and all i have to show for it is this $990 bill.

as you might remember from THIS post, i had surgery not too long ago and was exposed to hepatitis C from a crack head nurse who was swapping her dirty, saline-filled syringes with clean medication-filled ones. not only was this causing surgery patients great pain since they were essentially left with no pain medication, but she was also exposing people to hepatitis C.

the hospital sent me a certified letter saying that i had to go get tested. as i wait for my results, i have come up with a plan to sue the hospital for millions of dollars and use that money to finance IVF. muah-ha-ha (evil laugh). the only major flaw in this plan of course is the fact that i will have to test positive for a disease that will slowly kill me. damn it!

another minor flaw in this plan is that even if i did win settlement money i will most likely have to use it on the anesthesia bill from the surgery! WTF?? allow me to explain....

i got a bill for $990 in the mail from some doctor that i didnt recognize. we will call him Dr. Stranger. i called the number listed on the bill and had the following conversation with brittney, the unhappy worker at dr. stranger's office.

NJ: hi, i received a bill from this office but i am not a patient of dr. stranger.
brittney: did you recently have surgery?
NJ: yes.
brittney: he was your anesthesiologist
NJ: huh?
brittney: *starting to get irritated* dr. stranger is an anesthesiologist. if you recently had surgery then the bill you received is for his services.
NJ: but my surgery was covered by my insurance.
brittney: do you have blue cross?
NJ: yes.
brittney: dr. stranger isnt covered by blue cross so you have to pay.
NJ: ok, ill call my insurance and see.
brittney: fine. but im telling you that he isnt covered. and you have to pay.


as it turns out, brittney was right. i called blue cross and had the following conversation with sean, the unhappy worker at blue cross.

NJ: hi, i recently had surgery that was pre-approved by insurance but i just got a bill from someone who claims that they were my anesthesiologist and they arent covered by blue cross.
sean: could you repeat your member number?
NJ: *repeating my member number*...im just concerned because this is a pretty expensive bill.
sean: could you repeat your zip code?
NJ: *repeating my zip code*... and my doctor told me that the surgery was covered so....
sean: could you repeat your home address?
NJ: *resisting the urge to say, "what is the point of having automated answering service where we have to type all of this information into the system if you're just gonna ask me to repeat it all again!?!?!?!!?"*
NJ: *repeating my home address*
sean: ok, yup...it looks like he isnt covered.
NJ: and....?
sean: so you have to pay the bill.
NJ: but my doctor said the surgery was pre-approved!
sean: that doesnt necessarily include anesthesia.
NJ: excuse me? are you saying that i could have opted for surgery without anaesthesia?
sean: no but as the patient it is your responsibility to make sure that everyone involved with the surgery is covered by blue cross.
NJ: how the hell am i supposed to know who is involved in the surgery?! for all i know there is some random scrub nurse (or as time would tell, a crack head nurse) who isnt covered!
sean: ma'am, obviously every surgery involves an anesthesiologist.
NJ: obviously the insurance industry sucks! (i didnt really say that... but i wanted to really badly)


so... here i sit trying to figure out how to pay almost $1000 for a surgery that might have given me hepatitis C.

*shaking my head*

i aint a religious person but i believe there is a special place in hell reserved for crack head nurses and insurance agents.

cry me a river.

time off from TTC has been kinda nice. no charts or graphs or shots or opk's or counting days...i almost feel like a regular ol' person again. we have officially left our doctor and have our first consult with the new doctor tomorrow afternoon. im feeling both excited and nervous about the whole thing. here's why....

im feeling excited because it will be our first experience with the doctor in town that has a reputation for being homophobic. wait, that didnt come out right. what i mean is that im excited about meeting with a new doctor. period. im also somewhat excited (but also apprehensive) about meeting mr. new-doctor-the-homophobe to see if he is or is not a bigot. more investigation "on the street" has indicated that perhaps it was his father (who started the practice) who was homophobic but our doctor (the son) apparently isnt. i suppose only time will tell. it will be nice to travel 2 minutes to doctor appointments rather than the typical hour plus. an hour long appointment would require 3.5 hours off of work for me and NM. it will be nice to have less demand on our schedules. given that he is the only RE in a 60 mile radius...lets hope for a negative result on the bigot test...otherwise its back to road-tripping it for every ultrasound. grr!

im feeling nervous because our new doctor doesnt take our insurance. this isnt a super huge deal because most of the costs associated with TTC arent covered by any insurance company anyway. but, things like the initial consult ($450), blood work ($150) and ultrasounds ($270) will now be added to the pile of costs with each passing unsuccessful month.

i had a breakdown-of-sorts last weekend when NM and i sat down to look at our finances. we were hoping to put in a new back yard patio (nothing fancy...just some flagstone) but when we took into account the money that we will start spending again on TTC...little else fits into the budget. we are down to one vial of swimmers which means we need to re-order before we start any additional procedures. when i looked at our finances and thought about the fact that we are about to spend thousands of additional dollars in what might be a feeble attempt at pregnancy...i broke down.

its not so much the amount of money that bothers me....its the uncertainty of it all. im not the type of person who has ever enjoyed gambling and TTC feels like im standing at a poker table in vegas with $5000 in my hand! if i knew with 100% confidence that spending 5 or 10 or 15 thousand bucks would result in a child...i would say, "go for it!". but when looking at the plans that NM and i have for our future, do i really want to waste 5 or 10 or 15 thousand dollars on trying unsuccessfully to have baby!? *sigh* the whole thing makes me feel nauseous.

taking this time off from TTC has made having a child seem less imperative. not so much in the out-of-sight-out-of-mind kind of way...its just that taking a break from the constant mental strain of it all has allowed space and energy for other things.

and.... at the same time, as we watch 4 couples in our lives as they start (or add to) their families...its hard to not feel even more desperate to add to our own. last weekend we happened to see all 4 of these couples at various points throughout the day and the cumulative impact was hard. its not that im not happy for each of them... i totally am. and its not that i cant be around or talk about babies... because i totally can. i think that the thing that feels hardest is how far away the possibility feels for me and NM. we are no where close to conceiving so its hard to grasp that it will be a year (at LEAST) before we have the chance to experience children together.

this post has turned into a bit of a whiny sad story which wasnt what i had intended so i think ill stop here. *fingers crossed* for a positive experience at the new doctor. im feeling hopeful about what he will have to say.