belly full o' swimmers

well... i have officially begun the TTWW. we had 2 inseminations (today and yesterday) so now all i can do is wait, wait, wait, wait.

the insems were no big deal... im pretty much a pro at this point. the new doctor's procedures differed slightly from our old RE but not too much. the biggest difference is the fact that they let me pee before the procedure. *wiping my brow* whew!! our old doctor said that a full bladder made it easier to "find the cervix" which always made me a little suspicious since we are talking about a space that is roughly the size of a grapefruit. how hard is it to find a cervix in there?

while it seems a small difference, it actually makes insems MUCH less annoying. i used to pee before we got in the car to drive to denver (our old RE was an hour away in denver) and then, since i didnt wanna flush $600 down the toilet, i would continue to hold my pee for hours after the insem. it wasnt fun. i have a very low tolerance for that kinda discomfort so having the opportunity to pee before the insem was a dream.

the nurse yesterday was this totally socially awkward lady who is probably really nice but in an insemination environment just seems odd. she put a hospital bracelet on me when we first got there with my name in big black letters. then, when she came into the room to do the insem she made me show her my bracelet and verify my identity. i still cant figure out why. she knows us...and has been our nurse for numerous other appointments. did she think we were gonna sneak some look-alike-jersey-double into the appointment? *shrug* weird.

i didnt have any freak out moments but did almost lose it when she showed us the vial to verify the donor number...

nurse: ok, can you look at this vial and verify that we have the correct number.
NJ: *checking the number on the side of the vial* yup...thats the one.
nurse: *looking at the vial* now, you do understand...that the red cap on this vial means that this is a mixed rate donor, right?
NJ: sorry but i dont know what "mixed rate" means.
nurse: no, *talking slowly* mixed raaaace. you do understand that this donor identifies as mixed race. right?
NJ: *not sure what to say*
NJ: yes. we are aware of the racial identity of our donor.

WTF!?!?!? she might as well have said, "excuse me miss white lady, are you aware that you might be creating offspring with.....A BROWN PERSON?!" because that's what i heard her say. i wanted to say, "yes...we lesbians are planning to create a queer multiracial family. stick that in your bible and pray about it". *deep breath* white people, i swear.

the second insem was pretty much the same but we had a much cooler nurse this time. well... i should say that NM had a much cooler experience since she and the nurse became BFF's while i was up in the stirrups. picture me, in stirrups, trying to keep my head off the dirty ass pillowcase, not able to see anything thats going on, feeling pinches and pokes and twists and i hear this....

nurse: ok, im gonna get the boys in the catheter.
NM: *laughing* oh, we call them "michael phelps" since we hope they are good swimmers
nurse: oh thats great! and speaking of phelps... isnt he amazing?
NM: i know! he was born to swim!

nurse: yes he was. imagine if he had never been exposed to swimming... what a huge loss. its crazy to think about how some people might be born to do something but because they are never exposed to it, they never have that chance.

NM: yeah...thats crazy.

nurse: so, what are you doing for the weekend

NJ: *resisting the urge to say, helloooooo?! i hate to break up the tea party but could you focus!

NM: oh, my mom is coming to town for my birthday this weekend.

nurse: oh that will be such FUN! we were just in california visiting my kids.

NM: oh really? where in california?

nurse: northern LA. we went to disney land and had a blast.

NM: oh i LOVE disneyland!

NJ: *thinking* ARE THESE PEOPLE SERIOUS?!?! WE ARE NOT AT A POTLUCK RIGHT NOW!!

nurse: well, let me tell you....we went with 4 adults and no kids and it was so much fun!

NM: *laughing* thats great! disneyland should be for adults only!

NJ: *thinking* the minute that i am im out of these stirrups, im filing for a divorce.

and....scene.

needless to say, NM didnt leave the appointment with the nurse's phone number or facebook info. *rolling my eyes*

men, i swear.

ovary watch- 2009

i had the pleasure of receiving yet another corn-dogging yesterday morning to check the progress of my eggs. i couldn't believe the difference a couple of days can make! my ovaries looked like crowded NY subway trains.

i should have known that there was some growing going on in there because all weekend i was walking like the hunchback of notre dame. every step i took felt like someone was jabbing me in the ovaries and the only relief came from (very) small steps while hunched over. people on the street must have seen me and thought, "oh, i wonder what happened to that poor woman". little did they know, im actually subjecting myself to this torture. clomid made me crampy in past cycles but this follistim is no joke.

the doctor was actually pretty cool. he is a total ego maniac but im hoping that his ego is directly linked to his ability to get me knocked up. you know how men are... they love to spread seed around and then take no responsibility for the subsequent offspring. in some ways, being an RE is an ideal job for a dude.

i got a little freaked out though because in the morning before i went to the doctor, i was watching some dumb murder show called "snapped". we dont typically have television because we canceled our cable in may and never went to get the digital converter thingy but as it turns out, they never actually came out to disconnect it! they are coming in one week but in the meantime we are enjoying the free cable. yesssss! *fist pump*

i digress...

yesterday morning i flipped on some dumb show about women who murder their husbands. its called "snapped" and the women are profiled and totally portrayed like they are crazy. never mind the fact that almost all of them murder their partners in an attempt to escape abuse! but yet somehow this show manages to turn them all into gold-digging heartless psychopaths. *deep breath*

i digress again...

so, on this show there was a story about a woman who (along with her new man friend) killed her abusive ex husband. the new man friend was WAY crazier than she was and as it turns out, he was from the next town over from where i currently live! but wait, it gets weirder. to top it off, he looked just like our RE and...get this.... even shared the same last name!!

i texted NM to tell her and she told me that i should ask directly if he is the same guy. as tempting as this sounds, i havent been able to figure out how to make that conversation happen...

NJ: *in stirrups and getting corn-dogged* so... i saw the craziest thing on TV this morning....

doctor: *staring at the monitor* yeah?

NJ: yeah... i was watching this television show about murderers and they featured this story about a crazy murderer guy from the next town over.

doctor: *moving the corn-dog-stick around and watching the monitor* really. hm. interesting.

NJ: yeah. it was crazy too cuz he actually resembled you and shared your last name.

doctor: *totally ignoring me* really. wow. nurse, can you check the flux capacitor and issue a dose of blah-blah-blah.

NJ: so............................................did you do it?

and.... scene.

anywhoo... the doctor said that i have 3 big eggs that are ready to go and then over 5 that still need to bake a little. so the plan is for me to go in again for yet another corn-dogging and then a possible insem on weds and thurs. it will be our first experience doing 2 insems in one month. i know there are lots of conflicting messages about the success of doing 2 IUI's but we figure that it cant hurt. especially since this is my last shot.

in other news, i received a letter in the mail from my insurance company saying that they are going to help cover some of the $990 bill for anesthesia. not all of it, but most of it. needless to say, im very happy.

in totally unrelated news, we recently watched the film Hard Candy and loved it. if you haven't seen it yet, i highly recommend it.

infertile sell-out or is adoption the new pregnant??

you might have noticed that i have added some new blogs to the "you should read these blogs too..." list. if you play the sesame street "one of these things is not like the others" game, you will notice that these new blogs are about adoption. *gasp!* (enter dramatic soap opera music). those of us who follow TTC blogs will know that "adoption talk" typically equals "giving up hope" on ever getting pregnant. im certainly not there...yet.

our appointment with dr. to-be-or-not-to-be-a-homophobe went surprisingly well. we were treated very nicely by the front desk staff who asked me (without stuttering once) "is she (gesturing to NM) your partner?". they included NM in paperwork and asked for her insurance information as well. (not sure why since we aren't legally tied....but the gesture was still nice).

i only had one....ok, two... minor freak outs while filling out the paper work. the first one went a little something like this:

NJ: "look at the top of this form... it asks for my name, address, date of birth, and marital status. no big deal. but THEN it asks, 'How long have you been married?' AND 'How many times have you been married?'. WTF?? what does THAT have to do with anything??"

NM: *shrugs* "just leave it blank"

NJ: "Just leave it blank??? it makes NO sense that they would need to know how many times a patient has been married! even if i had been married 190 times...what does that have to do with my medical care today??"

NM: "but you haven't been married 190 times, so leave it blank."

i left it blank.

freak out number 2 looked like this:

NJ: *very audible sigh*

NM: "what now?"

NJ: "look at this form... what am i supposed to write???"

NM: "the form asks if you are legally married...?"

NJ: "i realize that. what am i supposed to say?"

NM: "we aren't legally married."

NJ: "we are legally married in Massachusetts!!!"

NM: (pause) "but....we aren't in Massachusetts...so leave it blank."

NJ: "but that means i have to put 'single'! that's a lie! i AM legally married to you! its not MY fault that colorado doesn't recognize it!!"

NM: "then put that you are married!"

NJ: "but we aren't married here!"

NM: (gives me the "are you serious right now?" look)

NJ: (pause) "ooh, i have an idea... how about i leave it blank?"

once we handed in the paperwork it was smooth sailing from there. while in the waiting room i flipped through a magazine about adoption and thought it was odd that they would have adoption magazines in a fertility clinic. that's kinda like having wheel chair brochures at an orthopedic surgeon's office. i would hope that the majority of patients wouldn't need information about adoption after using their services. *scratching my head*

we were called to the back by one of the PAs who sat with us in a consultation room. i have since renamed her Lesbo McDyke because i could barely hear her over the loud beeping of my gaydar alarm. NM and i laughed later about how my earlier emails and calls (the ones where i accused the office of being homophobic) caused them to choose Lesbo McDyke as our PA. regardless, she was cool. i pretty much knew i was gonna like her when she said, "The doctor will have a whole butt load of information for you". "butt load" and wood paneling in a doctors office?? this was my kinda place!

dr. turned-out-to-not-be-a-homophobe was pretty cool. he wasnt wearing a wedding ring but mentioned his "wife" on a few occasions. i thought this was a sign that he is an adulterer but NM said that it might mean that he isn't super rigid about traditional marriage roles. *shrug*

he said that we aren't crazy to try "2 to 3 more times" with me before "changing the plan". given that this doctor does 2 inseminations per cycle though means that 2 additional tries could be the equivalent of 4 tries with the other doctor! i cant really start talking about the finances right now because...well, i dont want to end up braking my keyboard from typing so hard. im sure that it will be another post all of its own. stay tuned for that rant.

i digress...

the point of this post is actually that we are tossing around the idea of adoption. im honestly not sure how i feel about it... and by "tossing around" i mean that we have had the following interaction:

NJ: "maybe we should meet with an adoption agency just to hear what they have to say."

NM: "tight. great idea".

so today i called the local agency that works with GLBT families. their website even has photos of gay couples! we have an appointment in 2 weeks with a specialist who will fill us in on the deets about the process. again, im not giving up hope... we are just expanding our net to include other possibilities.

*nod*

lets just hope that the specialist doesnt ask me if we are married. *smile*

the TTWW

well, we are officially 2 days into the TTWW (terrible two-week wait). the first few days post insem are like most other normal days...wake up, go to work, teach a class, go fridge shopping after work (more on this later), pay bills and then go to bed. the only difference is that these first few post insem days include sudden and unexpected moments when i remember, "oh yeah... i might be pregnant!". then the shortness of breath follows along with my typical list of reasons why we should be thankful if im not prego..."we just bought a car, we need to remodel the bathroom, we still have a roommate, my student loans could probably qualify me for a corporate bail out!" (although i think you technically have to be a SWMO -straight white male oppressor- in order to receive bailouts) never the less.... the point is that some days i wonder if we will ever be ready enough or rich enough to afford a kid!


since i have had 6 other TTWW's to get through i know that in the next few days i will become increasingly more obsessed with pregnancy. ill research past blog posts where women like me ended up finding out they were pregnant. ill pay attention to every little change in my body (excessive thirst, headache, twitch in my eye) and wonder if it is the result of a zygote burying its way into my uterine lining.

*fingers still crossed*

will the real homophobe please stand up

there is one... count them one... insemination doctor in our town. his name is dr bachus and apparently he is a homophobe. we have never met him but "word on the street" is that he is totally pro-christian-crazy-evangelical-being-gay-is-a-sin. ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration but how are we to know where to draw the line??

we have been commuting to denver for the last year in an attempt to get prego. most months this can mean a 2 hour commute (there and back) between 2 and 4 times a month! we have tried to remain pretty upbeat about the fact that we commute to denver because we feel like it is worth it to make sure we arent being discriminated against. after 7 tries, im super glad that im not sitting here wondering if our doctor is intentionally messing up the insem in the hopes that it wont work. (isnt there something in the medical oath thing that would prevent this?? *shrug*) anywhoo... we have been somewhat happily commuting to denver because we want good medical care.

however, after our most recent doctor's appointment we have come to the realization that we might need to alter the plan. our doctor is basically giving up hope that my barren womb will ever allow a baby to grow. conveniently, the solutions she offered (IVF) costs over $10k. not exactly the kind of cash that we have laying around. so... we are back to the drawing board looking for new options..... one of which is homophobe bachus.

i sent an email to their website that basically said, "look, i know its illegal to say that you discriminate but be real with me... are you a homophobe or what??". i was much more professional in my actual message. i figured that a response would take a week or so but alas! someone responded right away! her name is clair or claudie or cleo.... i cant remember... and she basically said "whoever told you that is a dirty liar!". she was much more professional in her actual response. she said that they serve many gay couples and work very hard to create a welcoming environment for all clients.

i responded and said, "well if he isnt a homophobe, maybe he should do something to prove it...like including same sex couples on his website!" boo-ya! that will tell her!

so then she replied and said, "thats a great idea!".

so... now we are thinking of scheduling a consult with him to see what vibe we get in person. are we selling out?????

i believe in science.

for those of you who know me, you know that im not crazy about spiritual mumbo-jumbo. i dont go to church, i cringe when someone says 'ill pray for you!', till recently i thought that mother mary was a prostitute, and im pretty sure we turn to dirt when we die. never the less, baby making can force one to act in strange ways.

i have been carrying around a purse of sorts that contains an odd assortment of items all in the attempts to appeal to whatever/whoever is incharge upstairs/downstairs. these items include the following:


1. "You are fertile" postcard from jj and cl

2. Saint Monica (the saint of mothers) from my mom-in-law

3. photograph of my grandmother when she was pregnant with my mother

4. holy dirt from NM

5. a pregnancy milagro

6. our most recent vial

7. an irish pin

8. a rosary and gold container from df

*fingers crossed!!*

wow, youre easy to get into!

we had another insemination yesterday and this time around we had a new nurse. although she isnt nearly as funny as our usual nurse-michelle, jennifer was still pretty cool. she included NM in the process by chatting with her and letting her confirm the correct number on the vial. we had 2 vials left so we were concerned about whether or not we would need to use 2 again this month but as it turns out, there were 17 million of the little swimmers in one vial. woo-hoo!

im not sure if this is the case for many other people but for me, one of the worst parts of inseminations is the fact that i cant go to the bathroom all day! we leave foco in the morning and by the time we get to the doctor in denver, i gotta pee like a race horse! they claim that a full bladder helps with the insemination but i still dread it every time. its especially hard because i cant pee afterwards since i dont want to flush $700 down the toilet!

i was up on the table this time trying to focus on not peeing on the floor while we waited for the nurse. then NM blurts out, "man, im really gonna have to stop at the bathroom before we leave!". i wanted to smack her but i was afraid that the movement would make me pee.
NJ: *whispering* "youre kidding me, right??".
NM: *whispering* "no, i really gotta go"
NJ: *whispering louder* "well how the hell do you think i feel!?? try putting your feet up in these stirrups!"
NM: *whispering even louder* "well you shouldnt have finished that entire coffee on the way here!"
NJ: *long stare* "youre kidding me, right?"
NM: *whispering louder* "im serious!"
NJ: "i swear, if you even THINK about peeing before we leave you will never hear the end of it!"
*the nurse enters the room*

the insemination went along with no problems. im very fortunate that i dont get the intense cramping that many women talk about. perhaps this is due to the fact that im "easy to get into"...a fact that michelle had pointed out a number of cycles ago. jennifer wasnt nearly as animated but she did comment on "how easy that was!". (insert jersey girl jokes here).

i guess we shall see. *fingers crossed*

TTC abbreviations...

here is a helpful decoder-ring-of-sorts to help decipher lesbo conception code talk that is commonly found on this blog:
NJ = me (im from the great state of new jersey)
NM = my partner (she is from the somewhat great state of new mexico)
TTWW= terrible two week wait (post IUI)
TTC = trying to conceive
IUI = intrauterine insemination
ICI = intracervical insemination
BD = baby daddy

who we be.

i am from the great state of New Jersey and my partner is from the (somewhat) great state of New Mexico… hence the title of this blog (new jexico). we met at a conference on campus (she blew me off) and then again at another conference on campus (she blew me off again) and then again at a party. lucky for me, third time was a charm. we have been married twice...once in a meaningful commitment ceremony surrounded by friends and family, and the second time at city hall in cambridge MA during a visit home for the holidays. hopefully three times will be a charm and we will one day be legally married in our own state (colorado).

we have been TTC for a little over a year now. since i have a desire to carry a child and my partner has a somewhat intense aversion to the idea of being pregnant...its a no-brainer that i would be the one to get prego. plus, you know what they say about "jersey girls"... surely i would be knocked up in no time!

sadly, the universe has had another plan and has decided to make us struggle for it (as though there isnt enough struggle in our lives already!). we toss around lots of different ideas to aid us in our baby quest (like this or this) but in the end we believe that IUI and donor sperm is the best option for us. at least for now. stay tuned!