Wednesday, June 24, 2009

infertile sell-out or is adoption the new pregnant??

you might have noticed that i have added some new blogs to the "you should read these blogs too..." list. if you play the sesame street "one of these things is not like the others" game, you will notice that these new blogs are about adoption. *gasp!* (enter dramatic soap opera music). those of us who follow TTC blogs will know that "adoption talk" typically equals "giving up hope" on ever getting pregnant. im certainly not there...yet.

our appointment with dr. to-be-or-not-to-be-a-homophobe went surprisingly well. we were treated very nicely by the front desk staff who asked me (without stuttering once) "is she (gesturing to NM) your partner?". they included NM in paperwork and asked for her insurance information as well. (not sure why since we aren't legally tied....but the gesture was still nice).

i only had one....ok, two... minor freak outs while filling out the paper work. the first one went a little something like this:

"look at the top of this form... it asks for my name, address, date of birth, and marital status. no big deal. but THEN it asks, 'How long have you been married?' AND 'How many times have you been married?'. WTF?? what does THAT have to do with anything??"
NM: *shrugs* "just leave it blank"
NJ: "Just leave it blank??? it makes NO sense that they would need to know how many times a patient has been married! even if i had been married 190 times...what does that have to do with my medical care today??"
NM: "but you haven't been married 190 times, so leave it blank."

i left it blank.

freak out number 2 looked like this:
NJ: *very audible sigh*
NM: "what now?"
NJ: "look at this form... what am i supposed to write???"
NM: "the form asks if you are legally married...?"
NJ: "i realize that. what am i supposed to say?"
NM: "we aren't legally married."
NJ: "we are legally married in Massachusetts!!!"
NM: (pause) "but....we aren't in leave it blank."
NJ: "but that means i have to put 'single'! that's a lie! i AM legally married to you! its not MY fault that colorado doesn't recognize it!!"
NM: "then put that you are married!"
NJ: "but we aren't married here!"
NM: (gives me the "are you serious right now?" look)
NJ: (pause) "ooh, i have an idea... how about i leave it blank?"

once we handed in the paperwork it was smooth sailing from there. while in the waiting room i flipped through a magazine about adoption and thought it was odd that they would have adoption magazines in a fertility clinic. that's kinda like having wheel chair brochures at an orthopedic surgeon's office. i would hope that the majority of patients wouldn't need information about adoption after using their services. *scratching my head*

we were called to the back by one of the PAs who sat with us in a consultation room. i have since renamed her Lesbo McDyke because i could barely hear her over the loud beeping of my gaydar alarm. NM and i laughed later about how my earlier emails and calls (the ones where i accused the office of being homophobic) caused them to choose Lesbo McDyke as our PA. regardless, she was cool. i pretty much knew i was gonna like her when she said, "The doctor will have a whole butt load of information for you". "butt load" and wood paneling in a doctors office?? this was my kinda place!

dr. turned-out-to-not-be-a-homophobe was pretty cool. he wasnt wearing a wedding ring but mentioned his "wife" on a few occasions. i thought this was a sign that he is an adulterer but NM said that it might mean that he isn't super rigid about traditional marriage roles. *shrug*

he said that we aren't crazy to try "2 to 3 more times" with me before "changing the plan". given that this doctor does 2 inseminations per cycle though means that 2 additional tries could be the equivalent of 4 tries with the other doctor! i cant really start talking about the finances right now because...well, i dont want to end up braking my keyboard from typing so hard. im sure that it will be another post all of its own. stay tuned for that rant.

i digress...

the point of this post is actually that we are tossing around the idea of adoption. im honestly not sure how i feel about it... and by "tossing around" i mean that we have had the following interaction:

"maybe we should meet with an adoption agency just to hear what they have to say."
NM: "tight. great idea".

so today i called the local agency that works with GLBT families. their website even has photos of gay couples! we have an appointment in 2 weeks with a specialist who will fill us in on the deets about the process. again, im not giving up hope... we are just expanding our net to include other possibilities.


lets just hope that the specialist doesnt ask me if we are married. *smile*


  1. It has been on my mind for over year. It does not mean you've given up at all. In other're very funny. I love laughing at posts. Good luck with the not-a-homophobe RE.

  2. holycrap where do i get that shirt. i NEED that shirt!!!
    thanks for your comment.. i'm so very sorry you have to deal with bellies everywhere. there is no justice.. i flipped on the news last night to hear about a mom being charged with leaving her two small kids in a hot car.. SERIOUSLY?! i can't even stand to hear crap like that on a good day.. argh. anyhoo.. i hope you have success of course.. but then i'll have to move you to the "graduate" section on my sidebar. as for adoption.. as much as i complain, the mere thought of adoption has FREED me from the strangle-death-grip-hold-of-doom of IVF.. but don't talk to me about it.. i'll just tell you to adopt.. because it's all i think about now! and really it's not giving up, it's letting go. which was really hard.. and still is sometimes.. but the repeated failures were too much. good luck with your appointment!! :)
    i'll be stalking you now!

  3. I love the shirt!!

    I've never been here before, but I gather you don't have kids. Believe me, you have so many other things to feel guilty about later. Just add feeling like a sell out for thinking about the adoption route to your list;) The list of things to feel guilty about grows as your child does. It is a lovely part of being a Mom.

    We are tossing around the word adoption too. I think it is a strange place to be no matter your reason...strange and exciting. But seriously, NO it doesn't make you a sell out. (I totally got a kick out of your post.)

    Anjeanette of R&W

  4. Hey there! I just saw you linked over and I wanted to say hello. Crazy how many of us there are right? I stumble across a new "child quest" blog almost every day.
    I have just started to get more serious about adoption as well and will be attending a LGBT adoption/fostering seminar this Thurs. I can't wait to hear more about your experiences with adoption and I wish you all the best in your quest.

  5. Great shirt! I think opening up as many options as possible is the smart thing to do.

  6. I love your blog, but I'm slightly disheartened to think that you feel adoption is "giving up." You can still try to get pregnant and give a child a home that needs and wants one.

    I wish Adoption was more socially acceptable. Our Population is already so large, and there's unwanted children everywhere. I understand the need to have "your" child, I do, especially when it's harder to the need becomes more acute. But if you have the love and the finances, we should all consider opening our families to those who have none.

    Keep blogging, your target catalouge post was SO effing sweet :)