just another set of lesbos trying to get knocked up!
Monday, June 1, 2009
yeah, your grandma kicked my ass...so what?!
in an attempt to get my ass at least a little bit more in shape (studies show that being 10 or more pounds overweight can negatively affect fertility...*rolling my eyes*)....i took my first water aerobics class tonight. the class was held at the senior center which means that i was the youngest member of the class by about 20 years.
when i first got there, the pool was packed with women...mostly young, blond and stereotypically pretty....so i was slightly irritated. if i wanted to be around physical trainers and fake tanned barbies, i would have used the pool on campus! much to my shock however, when the class ended and the group began to exit the pool, every single one of them had big ol' pregnant bellies. wtf?? just what i need...yet another reminder of my barren womb. i laughed to myself as i looked around at my classmates, "i bet these old ladies are more fertile than i am!". then, mostly out of guilt, i thought to myself..."hey! maybe the herd of preggies left some fertile energy in the pool!!" (trying to not think about limited bladder control that most of them were probably experiencing. *dry heave*)
anyway...i digress....the class started out as i suspected, a total yawn. we bounced around a little and stretched our muscles but nothing even remotely strenuous. in fact, 2 of the women had their sunglasses on top of their heads the entire time, all but one of the women in the group had at least a pint of hairspray (most likely aerosol aqua net) in their hair, and 2 were wearing dangle bead earrings. i was clearly in the "no water above the neckline" class.
as the class continued i spent most of the time trying to come up with an excuse to leave. the pool's lap lanes (all TWO of them!) were as empty as my uterus and they were calling my name. just as i was about to make my exit, the instructor called out "baby frogs!!" which i soon realized meant that the class was picking up speed. good.
"baby frogs" basically means that you jump in place but when you bring your knees up, you try to bring your knee caps out of the water on either side of your body. it took me a minute to get the hang of it but once i did it was actually kinda fun. jump.... jump... jump.... oh, this is fun... jump... jump...wow, im starting to feel out of breath...jump... jump...hm, interesting. could i possibly be getting an actual workout at the senior center!??! jump....jump....jump...
as i continued to baby frog, my knees dropped lower and lower with each jump.... jump....jump....we should be stopping at any moment... jump....jump....jump.... surely the instructor must have lost track of time or messed up the counts... jump....jump...jump....(instructor's voice) "ok ladies- keep jumping, but now bring those arms over your head!".... jump...reaching up...jump....reaching up...jump....reaching up....starting to feel panicked.... jump.... is this instructor trying to kill these old people??....jump...jump... i start to look around in a desperate attempt to make eye contact with one of the old bags.... but... jump....jump.... they are all jumping and chatting and laughing....what the??....jump....this cant be... jump...jump...how the HELL are they still jumping....jump... jump...and i can see all of their knee caps.... jump...jump... wiping water out of my face.... and how the HELL do they keep their hair so dry??.... jump... jump... (the instructor's voice) "ok ladies-"....jump... oh good, we are about to stop... jump... jump..."-time to get serious! no more baby frogs- lets start to MAMA FROG JUMP!"
*heavy defeated sigh*
no wonder god wont give me a baby... i just got SCHOOLED by a bunch of old ladies!!!