Thursday, May 28, 2009

the water is cold!! *brrr*

its been a few weeks since aunt flo came to visit and im feeling better than i had expected. in true universe-will-take-care-of-you fashion, i got my period in the midst of one of the busiest 2 weeks of the year. between grading final exams and spending a week in the mountains on a student retreat, i had lots of stuff to keep my mind off of my bleeding womb. interestingly enough, two of our friends had a baby the day after i got my period and i didnt even break down after visiting them in the hospital. i left the visit thinking, "man, kids are a lot of work!" and took the opportunity to appreciate some time alone with NM................
(sidebar: welcome to baby maya!)

.............thats not to say that i didnt have a few breakdowns. i certainly did. but interestingly enough, this time around the disappointment seemed to affect my general mood more than it created full blown breakdowns. i mostly just felt down and irritated. sorta like having a paper cut or a small pebble in my shoe. one positive thing about getting my period was the fact that i could go an entire day without cramps! (the small joys). fertility meds make you bloated and irritable and give you cramps...and then, just when you are ready to pull your hair out...your period brings a whole new level of crampy crapness!

so, needless to say, i have somewhat enjoyed having my body back to myself for the last 2 weeks. it has felt great to not have to worry about counting days or peeing on sticks or getting poked and prodded by the doctor.


at the same time, its somewhat sad to come to grips with the fact that we are no closer to having a kid of our own. as maddening as the TTWW is, at least there is hope that in the end we will get a positive prego stick. we are mostly spending these days trying to balance feeling relieved with feeling sad...relieved to have a break but sad that there isnt a baby in our future yet.

i can tell that we both are beginning to open our minds to the idea of talking about a new "plan". this never comes in the form of a full conversation with a list of actionable steps...typically the conversations happen in moments when we both know we dont have much time to talk about it, like while in line at the grocery store:

NM: look, john and kate are on the cover of people.
NJ: how sad. its terrible what the media has done to their family. speaking of family, how are you feeling about the idea of you trying to get prego next?
NM: (long pause)
NJ: oh look, its our turn to pay.

its not that we dont want to talk about the plan...its just been so nice to not have the daily "what if" conversation. "what if i dont get prego this time?", "what if we have to change donors?", "what if the new doctor is a homophobe?". i think we are both just slowly allowing ourselves to tip toe back into the frigid barren lesbo waters. *brrr*

1 comment:

  1. We have those important bits of conversations at odd times sometimes too. It can be really hard to sit down and have the whole conversation I think.

    I'm glad you had a lot of distractions from your period - that always helps. I hope the break is what you need.