*tap tap tap* ...is this thing on?

oy. nothing like pms grouchiness to pull me out from this rock ive been hiding under. its been a shameful amount of time since i last posted. not that anyone out there in cyberworld loses sleep over a silent jersey. i mostly feel ashamed because this blog has been such a fantastic coping mechanism for me through this nightmare of years and years and years of TTC, and i feel like ive been letting myself down by not keeping up with it.

sometimes its just hard to feel inspired to write when i think about the fact that the entire crew of folks i began blogging with... all of them... have either had a BFN, adopted or birthed a child by now. it feels like im the only kid in elementary school who didnt  go to summer camp and now i get to sit here and hear aaaallll about how awesome macrame class was and how much fun it was to swim in the lake. basically, i feel like the vo-tech stoner loser of my class. *folding arms and pouting*

the truth is, until recently... there hasn't been anything to write about on this blog. we have been going about our normal routine... working, hanging out with friends, drinking adult beverages, fixing up the house, hanging out with other people's kids, drinking adult beverages, seeing lots of movies, drinking adult beverages... basically doing all of the things that we hear get tossed out the window once you have a tiny human screaming in the other room.

i got'sta admit, the yay-we-are-free-from-the-shackles-of-motherhood good times are fun, and for the most part, keep us fulfilled and happy.  im reminded everyday that i married THE coolest woman on the planet and find myself pausing at random moments to scratch my head and ask how the hell i managed to pull this whole thing off. we hang out and plan road trips, attend fabulous late-night concerts, try new trendy restaurants... and always, without fail, say at least once,  "we TOTALLY couldn't be doing this right now if we had a kid". SCORE!

and then there are those moments... when we see a cute family in the grocery store or we look back at journal entries or insemination-day photos, that i feel the ache in my heart. i sometimes feel like NM and i are on pause, our family in limbo as we wait and wait and wait for the next phase of our life to begin. its not that we are "incomplete" without a baby... that's not at all what i mean. i really believe that had we decided against having kids, we would have lived a full and happy life together...complete in all its glory with just the two of us.

the problem though is that we haven't decided against kids. 4 years ago we sat down and pictured our immediate and long term future and decided then and there that the picture would be WAY cooler if it included at least one tiny human to corrupt. and so the TTC journey began.

sometimes i use this blog as a way to measure time. i look back at the dates of my early posts and think, "wow... its been 2 years and 8 months." or "3 years already?? that's such a long time to wait." i sometimes picture our three-year-old-imaginary-child and wonder what she/he would be doing right now while i write this silly blog.

but then today, while skimming the dates of my early posts, i actually paused long enough to click on one. and um, holy shit. as i read the post i realized that i started writing this blog ONE YEAR into our attempts at pregnancy! my three-year-old-imaginary-child just aged a year in one click of the mouse.

i wont get all Rent-The-Musical on you by counting how many minutes there are in a year... but trust me, its a lot. add four of those years together and holy crap, we have been waiting for a long time.

i often hear people say while *bouncing their free baby on their hip* "oh, just enjooooy your time alone now while you can. this little one keeps us soooo busy!" and most of the time i just want to punch them in the neck. riiiight lady. the problem here is that NM and i aren't "enjoying" the 4-year suspense roller coaster enough. *rolling my eyes*

i feel like NM and i agonized over whether we should enter the baby race to begin with and once we finally decided to compete and laced up our sneakers and found our spot at the starting line and waited for the gun to fire.... *boom!* off everyone else went without us. and here we sit, still at the starting line, watching competitor after competitor lap us (some for the second time!).

and sure, i suppose we could take the advice of the young parents in our life to "enjoy the time you have alone while you can". but really, how much fun can you have while sitting at the friggin starting line for 4 years?! its like sitting in the waiting room OF YOUR LIFE!

again, let me reassure all the feminist readers out there that im not suggesting our lives are incomplete without a baby. its more about the fact that the things we want to do as a family include kids. and we cant just live the life that doesn't involve kids because that would require that we actually SPEND MONEY on things like airline tickets and new cars or a fancy new flat in the heart of london!

this living in limbo thing is terrible and only made worse by the "live in the moment" breeder mumbo-jumbo we hear all the time. like what am i supposed to do, "enjoy the time alone" by moving abroad? joining the circus? going to vet school? (all things i would do in a life-with-no-kids).

when parents around us swash their wrist and say "oh just live in the moment" i want to yell-
EASY FOR YOU TO SAY! youre not the one who will have to explain this to a kid one day! i can picture it now, "gee, im sorry little jersey. we would have had money to send you to college but the thing is, you cost like TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS to adopt and then there was that whole live-in-the-moment circus stint that your mom and i had while we were 'living in the moment' waiting for you...*day dream sigh*... oh that circus was sure fun. anywho, the point is, we are a little drained on funds. sorry. *pat on the head*

oy. i swear. this pms is killing me.

really? i mean come ON!!!!

ok, i get it. im infertile. my womb is probably drier than the sierra desert. i walk past house plants and they shrivel up and die. i have plenty of examples of my barren-ness every day.

not only do i have to deal with friends who unexpectedly get pregnant... "oops, we weren't even trying! *giggle*"

*deep breath*

and an ex-boyfriend who suddenly became a parent... "as it turns out, the paternity test says that i have twins"

*rolling my eyes*


but now we have to deal with pregnant women getting pregnant?

come on universe...what's wrong with you?!?!

ALREADY PREGNANT WOMEN GETS PREGNANT

laughter is the best medicine

this awesome blog has some great stuff including a "you might be an infertile if..." list. here are some of my favorites from the list...

You Might Be An Infertile If…

1. If somebody has ever asked you the date, and you said Day 21.
2. If you forget that the entire world doesn’t know what an HSG is.
3. If you’ve had three people in a room look at your hoohaa and it not make you uncomfortable.
4. If you wake up and the first thing you reach for isn’t a cup of coffee but a thermometer.
5. If you have ever seen your internal organs on a plasma tv.
6. If you reach into your fridge and instead of getting milk you accidentally grab a hand full of needles, injection pens, or vials.
7. If you’ve put your feet in stirrups more times than you’ve had sex in a week.
8. If you have ever considered the following to get pregnant: Getting completely intoxicated, sex in the back of car, smoking after sex, in every position created, with a condom on, drinking more V8 juice, propping your hips up, acupuncture.
9. If you’ve ever displayed a chart of your temperature, cervical position and mucus, and times you’ve had sex on your fridge.
10. If you’ve ever played the “I’ll be pregnant by then” game for longer than a year.
11. If you’ve ever been caught staring longingly at a pregnant woman’s belly.
12. If you’ve ever wondered if it would be considered a threesome if the two nurses in the room and yourself manage to get you pregnant.
13. If the most action you’ve seen in a while is the camera that closely resembles a vibrator your doctor’s office uses.
14. If you’ve ever shot up in a bathroom stall and it was perfectly legal.
15. If you feel like you are constantly speaking in acronyms that nobody seems to understand.
16. If you know more about your reproductive organs and the female body than all of your girlfriends combined.
17. If you have ever been placed on birth control to achieve pregnancy.
18. If you have put out more money for medications than vacations in the past year.
19. If you measure your life in two week increments. If you avoid alcohol, smoking, hot baths, hot tubs, saunas, and caffeine.
20. You glare at parents who don’t truly appreciate their children, and scowl at the ones who complain.
21. You literally laugh at people who ask when you are going to have children.
22. With the money you’ve paid for fertility treatments you could have bought yourself a summer home in Fiji.
23. You actually hate one of your body parts.
24. You honestly believe that wearing white underwear or purchasing a pregnancy test will bring on your period.
25. You have no problems discussing cervical mucus, your period, sexual positions, or the color of whatever IT is that is leaking out of you.
26. If you actually know how thick your uterus is, how many sperm are required, or how many follicles you have.
27. If you find it a miracle that people actually manage to get pregnant.
28. If your medical file is thicker than a Bible.
29. If you become obsessed with the numbers, your uterine lining, cells, sperm, embryos, follicles…
30. If you have a degree from Google Med and an advanced degree from WebMD.
31. You’ve honestly considered buying a white lab coat and having your name monogramed on it, because you know nearly as much as your doctor.
32. You’ve analyzed your saliva for patterns that would indicate you are ovulating.
33. You are on a first name basis with your pharmacist.
34. You have ever seriously considering punching somebody for telling you to relax, and would feel completely justified in doing so.
35. If the word cycling has nothing to do with riding a bike.
36. If you’ve ever argued with your partner about which method you are going to use to try and get pregnant next.
37. If you’ve ever carried on a conversation with your ovaries or considered redecorating your uterus because someone told you it was inhospitable.
38. If you’ve ever found yourself yelling at your spell checker, because IUI and IVF are real abbreviations for some important procedures and damn the creator for not including them in their programming!
39. You know that your birds and the bees discussion with your child will read more like a medical dissertation.
40. If you’ve ever been thankful for having a fat roll, as it makes injections more comfortable.

who we be.

i am from the great state of New Jersey and my partner is from the (somewhat) great state of New Mexico… hence the title of this blog (new jexico). we met at a conference on campus (she blew me off) and then again at another conference on campus (she blew me off again) and then again at a party. lucky for me, third time was a charm. we have been married twice...once in a meaningful commitment ceremony surrounded by friends and family, and the second time at city hall in cambridge MA during a visit home for the holidays. hopefully three times will be a charm and we will one day be legally married in our own state (colorado).

we have been TTC for a little over a year now. since i have a desire to carry a child and my partner has a somewhat intense aversion to the idea of being pregnant...its a no-brainer that i would be the one to get prego. plus, you know what they say about "jersey girls"... surely i would be knocked up in no time!

sadly, the universe has had another plan and has decided to make us struggle for it (as though there isnt enough struggle in our lives already!). we toss around lots of different ideas to aid us in our baby quest (like this or this) but in the end we believe that IUI and donor sperm is the best option for us. at least for now. stay tuned!