Monday, November 9, 2009

wouldnt you like to be a goddess too?

*peeking my head out from under my rock*

so.....its been a while. my last failed cycle proved to be much more difficult to cope with than i had anticipated. i have logged on many times with the full intention of posting something new, but i end up staring blankly at the screen. i didn't realize how much this blog was tied to my process of TTC. i mean, i always knew that writing and reading other blogs helped me with my past failed cycles but now that i have experienced my last attempt to get prego, i am realizing that it is hard to separate this blog from my feelings of disappointment. those of you who have struggled to get know the panic that sets in when you find yourself at opposite ends of the same grocery store aisle with a big ol' pregnant belly? even though the belly is undoubtedly attached to a human female person, all you see coming your way is a lush, fully functioning womb. your heartbeat races and you begin to have the internal dialogue that sounds something like this:
there is a pregnant belly
coming this way.
take a deep breath.
to the sale items.
dont stare at the belly
the lady attached will think you are strange
look at the cake mix
count the different types of icing
1- chocolate, 2- vanilla, 3- cream cheese
anything to
keep your eyes
off of


well that's kind of what this blog has started to feel like. i have spent so many hours day-dreaming about the days when i could post a photo of a BFP prego stick, or an updated photo from ultrasounds or a belly shot of my own. but, since i wont have that experience, i think i had to step away from this blog and heal a little.

i want to say thank you so much to all of you who posted such wonderfully supportive (and funny!!) comments on my last few posts. i know its a total no-no to go this long without reciprocation but please know that im keeping up with all of your developments (both happy and sad) and am working to get back on the "how to be a good blog community member" horse again.

i dont really have much to update today. im still barren and the world still sucks sometimes. NM and i teach a class together and we recently had a panel of guests come in to talk about parenting. some panel members are the parents of teens and some have young kids. some identify as fathers, some as adoptive moms and some as bio moms. it was fascinating to hear the differences in parenting as connected to social identities like race, class, gender and sexual orientation. "sexual orientation".... i hate that word. it sounds so nautical or something. like my "orientation" could be plotted on some graph or something. *shrug*.

anyway, i digress....

one panel member talked pretty explicitly about her thoughts about being pregnant and child birth. she spoke so freely and it seemed like the mere reflection on the past experience of pregnancy still fills her with energy. she said that being pregnant and giving birth reinforced the notion that "women are goddesses". *nod* it was a super cool moment.

and.... it made me lose my breath. i welled up and felt like i couldn't breathe. i guess i just want to be a goddess too.

i have realized that some of the most difficult parts of coping with infertility are those unexpected moments where the wave of emotion totally sneaks up on you and knocks you on your ass. its like being clotheslined by a giant pregnant belly or something. it sucks and i kinda cant wait for this phase of the infertility grieving process to be over.

im currently not sure about what to do with this blog in the future. it has been such a great source of support for me but im not sure how to transition out of a TTC mode and into something else. if i cant transition it comfortably away from being a TTC blog, then maybe its time to close up shop and start something new. we shall see. in the meantime...thanks again for the wonderful support.

oh... a friend shared this post from get born magazine and i loved it. check it out.



  1. glad you peeked out of that rock. we missed ya. and you can still be a goddess - only you won't have your body stretched in odd ways! were you by chance at the fc halloween parade? we went to gush over the costumed babies and toddlers but we ultimately felt like we were missing something.

  2. oh honey... there are so many goddesses out in this world and only some of them are related to children... try out one of those huntress goddesses or warrior goddesses for size.

  3. I'm sorry it's hard - I hope you find your happiness and balanace again and the grief becomes a distant memory one day, sooner rather than later. I'll still be here reading if you decide to keep blogging!

  4. If you keep blogging, we'll keep reading, no matter what the topic. We are very hard to get rid of. You'd have to switch to one of those password protected wordpress blogs to stop us.

  5. Jersey, I didn't know you were back but I have missed you and your razor sharp wit and humor. I wish I had checked in with you more recently.

    I can really relate to what you are saying and I have been prepping myself to make the same transition too if this cycle is a bust. I want you to know I love your writing and no matter what your topic, I'm a dedicated reader.

    I am sad you have to grieve this and I wish you every happiness as you move forward.

    PS - baby not required for goddess status, you are already there.