a wedding worth attending.

i stumbled across this video earlier this evening and it pretty much made me wanna get married again. ("again" as in for the 3rd time to the same woman). im sure the couple in this video is already well on their way towards a divorce but as far as im concerned, more weddings should look like this. err...but maybe without the Chris-domestic-violence-perp-Brown song since interpersonal violence kinda puts a damper on the festive mood. *shrug*

regardless...check this out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

indefinitely stranded at JFK.... hour number 3 and east coast charm.

as you may have noticed, my "secret identity name" on this blog is jersey. yes, as in THAT jersey....you know, the armpit between two cities. as a self proclaimed jersey girl i am often one of the first to proudly claim (read: defend) jersey culture and look forward to visiting the east coast when im feeling low on dunkin donuts, sarcasm or poor customer service. on a recent visit to jersey i was in the drive-through of mc donalds and had the following interaction with the discontent voice on the loud speaker:

unhappy 16 year old worker: *dry tone and in one breath* "welcometomcdonaldscanitakeyourorder?"
ME: "yes, hello. i see on your menu that you have something called a "big and tasty"...could you tell me what that is?"
unhappy worker: (long pause) "its big....... and its tasty." (long pause)
ME: "um.....ok.......but does it come with like tomato and cheese and lettuce?"
unhappy worker: (long pause) "............. i have no idea."

and....scene.

i was reminded again today of how much i love east coast customer service. i am currently stuck at JFK airport because my connecting flight to boston was suddenly canceled. upon seeing the big yellow "cancelled" next to my flight, i turned to get in line at the gate to ask the clerk what my options were. i arrived at the desk in time to hear the following:

confused customer: "i just dont understand what my options are"
irritated underpaid clerk: *raising his hand in the air* "sir, you are not my problem. you have to go to the information desk to get your answers."

*looking around* did he really just say, "you are not my problem"?? oh snap!!


in an attempt to avoid the hand-in-your-face service from the gate clerk i decided to follow the customer to the info desk. there was a line of about 784 people and two...count them...TWO clerks working the desk...although teeechnically only one of them was actually serving customers (the other one was probably writing a blog post about how much she hates her job). anywho...when it was finally my turn i walked up to the counter and had the following pleasant interaction:

slowest and least accommodating or pleasant clerk in the world (SLAOPCITW): "NEXT"
ME: "hi. hows it going?"
SLAOPCITW: *no response or eye contact*
ME: "ok, um....i was on the flight to boston that just got canceled and im just wondering...."
SLAOPCITW: "boarding pass."
ME: "huh?"
SLAOPCITW: *speaking slowly as though i am deaf* "Do..... you..... have..... your.... boarding... pass?"
ME: "oh, yeah. sorry. here it is."
SLAOPCITW: *tapping hard on her computer keys*
ME: *trying to make conversation* "man, what a pain in the butt, huh?"
SLAOPCITW: *no response or eye contact*
SLAOPCITW: *hands me a white sheet of paper and looks past me* "NEXT"
ME: "wait... what is this paper? whats happening with my flight? im confused."
SLAOPCITW: *looking at me like im the dumbest person she has ever avoided eye contact with* "THAT is your new boarding pass. your flight leaves in 2 hours. NEXT"


i think i have been living in the mountains too long. my east coast charm (and accent) is starting to fade away. im also feeling less appreciative of the sassy east coast customer service. this makes me kinda sad so perhaps i will go search the terminal for an old lady to knock over or something.

11 things i have learned during my TTC journey....

1. no matter how many people you know who have managed to get knocked up on the first try....it doesn't mean that you will.


2. comments like, "dont worry, it will happen one day!" and "at least you have more than one uterus" are irritating.

3. there are some pretty cool people out there in the blogging community.


4. there are some real nut jobs our there in the blogging community.


5. most people wont know how to treat you once you start having "fertility issues". i cant count the number of times that i have had the following conversation:

Friend A: "so, hows everything going?"
Me: "good, thanks. im working a lot which is good but also exhausting and NM is knee deep in the summer program so she is super busy too. we have been trying to do some yard work and spend as much free time doing crafts as possible."
Friend A: "ok. so how is everything going?...like with everything."
Me: "um....good. not much else is going on....oh, NM's family came to visit last week which was fun. the little nephew is growing so fast!"
Friend A: "ok. but what about everything else...*glancing down towards my stomach*... like, how is everything going with, you know...the whole....like baby thing".

the whole like baby thing?? why do people suddenly talk like this?


6. contrary to popular myth...being from jersey doesn't make you more likely to get knocked up.


7. not all gay women need an HSG before TTC. just because we lack a readily available fully functioning penis does not make us all "infertile".


8. "how to not be awkward when your patients are a bunch of queers" is clearly not taught in medical school. therefore, we queers should prepare ourselves for doctors who say, "oh, how nice that you brought your little buddy with you for the appointment". look lady, i'm gay...not a cast member from Gilligan's island! (true story)


9. most of us walk around not knowing jack 'ish about how our bodies work. our fallopian tubes are the width of a human hair....WTF?? then why do they draw them as thick as bubble tea straws in the middle school health textbooks?!
stupid patriarchal medical establishment. its pretty sad when i know more about erectile dysfunction than i do about my own damn ovaries.


10. while i cant say that the infertility roller coaster has been fun, i have learned that i wouldn't go back and change a thing. NM and i have had some of the most amazing conversations through this process and i believe that it will make us better parents than anyone else on the planet. well, maybe not better than sara palin...but close.


11. receiving comments from total strangers from the blogging world never stops shocking me. you mean to tell me that someone other than the people who i make read this thing actually read this thing??



ok...your turn. what have you learned during your TTC journey??

if my grandma had her own blog...

(my own margaret)

i simply have to take a minute and say how much i love THIS blog. margaret and helen are friggin hysterical and although they aren't technically a TTC blog...they certainly help me to ease some TTC stress through their humor.

the blog actually does remind me quite a bit of my grandmother. not only because her name is margaret but also because she is in her 90's and is sassier than a teenager! she curses like a sailor and has a biting wit that leaves me in tears. for example...we were out to lunch to celebrate mother's day and the waiter came to the table and said, "happy mother's day, ladies". my grandmother turned to him and replied, "happy mothers day to you, you MOTHER!". he failed to see the humor.

the other day i was talking to her on the phone and she asked me for a phone number. apparently i was taking too long because i suddenly hear, "whats taking you so long?.....as slow as you are, are you sure you teach college?". lmao. i love it!


anywho...if you haven't read their blog, check it out. some of my favorite posts include THIS one and THIS one and THIS one.

one more reason to give GWB the big middle finger.

we had our first meeting with the adoption agency today. it went really well. some of the misconceptions that i had going into the meeting included:

1. adoption is a looooong process that most often results in heartache.

2. birth moms almost NEVER select homo parents.

3. the process to adopt is a bureaucratic nightmare that will most likely cause us to get divorced.

after the meeting, my new information includes:

1. adoption is a loooong process that rarely results in heartache.

2. birth moms these days actually select mo's on a regular basis. our agent said that she has placed 5 babies with "same-sex" couples in the last year.

3. the process to adopt is a bureaucratic nightmare that we might actually enjoy!

the agency that we met with is one of 3 or 4 in the state that takes glbt couples. its still such a shock to me that i live in a country where it is 100% legal to say, "sorry, we don't offer our services to gay families". what is this the 1950's??? imagine someone saying, "oh sorry, we don't offer our services to asians or jewish people". grr.

*deep breath*

anyway...i digress. the woman we met with was super cool. she wasn't just "tolerant" of our "lifestyle" but actually expressed anger towards the other agencies that don't work with glbt couples. she said, "that just enrages me!". anti-homophobic passion from a breeder?? tight!

this organization is super small and only handles domestic adoptions. they only take 30 adoptive couples at a time so right now there is a waiting list to become a client. she said that the waiting list takes about 6-8 months before you will become a client. "becoming a client" basically means that your portfolio will be given to birth moms when they are choosing a family for their baby.

so it seems like the process looks like this:

1. join the waiting list

2. in the meantime, work on the portfolio (id love to hear from other bloggers about how they created theirs!!)

3. get other paper work completed (references, medical history forms, etc)

4. get off the waiting list and become a client.

5. complete the home studies

6. get finger printed and get background checks.

7. once we are "paper ready" our portfolio will be added to the available adoptive parents stack for birth moms to take home to review.

8. wait to be selected!

we left the meeting and both agreed that the process felt more exciting than we had anticipated. NM said that she wasn't expecting to feel excited but that the process of adopting seems very in-line with our values. it was really cool to see her excited about the process. *smile*

the other friggin wonderful thing about the adoption process is that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with my body!! i wont have to be poked with needles or turned into a corn-dog once a month with the ultrasound probe!! the agent didn't mention anything about injections or 5 people standing in the room while examining my downstairs or any medications that would make me Crampy McCramp! in fact, it kinda felt weird to not take my clothes off and get into a paper gown for the appointment. lol.

the thing that has been weighing on me since the meeting (because there always has to be something, right??) is that she said that she has already placed 9 times the number of babies this year as compared to last year. at first this sounds like a great thing because there are more babies to go around but when she explained that the economy is the reason....it broke my heart. and it made me want to punch george bush in the neck. for all the "family values" crap that he spewed...his decisions and actions have left us in a place where more families cant afford to keep their children.

when NM and i were looking for a house we looked at one foreclosed house and decided that we didn't have the stomach to go through with it. not that there is anything wrong with buying foreclosed houses... i totally support anyone who chooses that option. but for us it was so friggin sad to think that we were able to capitalize on another family's heartache. i felt that way when i thought about the increase of babies due to the crappy economy. its sad to think that in a different economic environment, some of those same parents would have the choice to spend their lives raising their children. *sigh*

anywho... not meaning to be a debby downer so ill close by saying that we are super excited about this new avenue. we are going to follow the agent's recommendation to meet with at least 2 other agencies so that we can compare services. since there aren't too many that will let us in the door (since after all, gayness is contagious...*rolling my eyes*) we only have a couple of options to try. the other two that she recommended do domestic and international adoptions so it will be cool to learn more about that option. yay!

one more reason to *heart* ikea!

its daddies. plural. has this photo on their blog from an ikea store in mass.

i *heart* ikea and i *heart* the idea that one day glbt families will be depicted as often as the breeders.

*day dream sigh*

and i didnt even share a needle with tommy lee!!

its no secret that NM is a "minimizer". not as in the bra, but rather in the "oh, stop worrying...im sure that gushing wound will heal right up! *big smile and a pat on the back*" kinda way. *rolling my eyes*

its also no secret that i am not a minimizer. i take a small thing and blow it totally out of proportion until before i know it, im practically planning my own funeral over a paper cut.

for example...right now i am sitting here typing this and cant take my mind off of my throbbing thumb. earlier this evening i cut jalapenos for homemade salsa and the oil from the pepper is still burning! (i wonder if anyone has ever lost a finger from pepper-burn?) while most people would have the ability to put the throbbing out of their mind (i bet im developing a blister... maybe if i suck on my thumb it will feel better... ow, that makes my tongue burn) i just cant stop thinking about it and (hm, its still burning...i wonder if there was some crazy pesticide in the pepper that is now giving me this intense reaction...i remember that movie the incredible shrinking woman where lilly-tomlin-the lesbian- shrinks away to nothing as a result of the combinations of chemicals in her system...what if that happens to me?) and all of the possible negative consequences! (what if my finger burns like this for the rest of my life?!). see what i mean? im ridiculous.

our different coping mechanisms typically make me and NM a well balanced pair. she keeps me grounded and i will no-doubt one day save her life by making her go to the hospital against her better judgement. im writing about this today because we have had a recent drama that is not only a perfect example of our differences in coping mechanisms, but also has something to do with TTC.

the other day a news story broke about our hospital. apparently some crack head nurse has been swapping her dirty needles out with clean surgery needles. so far 9 people have contracted hepatitis C from her dirty needles. she has since been fired but i shared the story the other day with NM and we had the following interaction:

NJ: holy shit...some crazy ass nurse has been swapping needles with clean surgery needles at our hospital! like 78 people have hepatitis C now!!!!!
NM: *flat affect* wow, that's scary. hey, what should we grill tonight?
NJ: did you hear me?? that's the same hospital that i had my fallopian tube thingy done.
NM: and by "fallopian tube thingy" do you mean your laparoscopy?
NJ: thats not the point!! what if that crack head gave me hepatitis C!!
NM: (feeling the need to balance my overboard-ness) you dont have hepatitis C. im sure it was during a different time or in a different wing than where you had your surgery.
NJ: (feeling the need to balance her minimizing) i think she looks familiar!! she was my nurse!! she totally gave me hep!! i dont think they let people with hep adopt babies! and people die like immediately when they get it!!
NM: listen pamela anderson...you dont have hep. plus, nobody dies from hepatitis anymore. calm down.


and....scene.


so... imagine my horror when i came home from work today to find out that i received this in the mail:


that's right... a certified letter from the hospital stating that "our records indicate that you had surgery at our hospital between october 21st and april 13th. if this is correct, we believe, as does the state health department, that you should take a free, confidential blood test. This test will help determine if you were exposed to hepatitis C as a result of your surgery".

um.... WTF???

naturally i called NM immediately to share the news (and to point out the fact that she shouldn't have minimized!!)

NJ: so...i just got a certified letter in the mail saying that i might have been exposed to hepatitis C from that crack head nurse.
NM: WHAT??
NJ: i hate to say i told you so, but.....cough-toldyouso-cough.
NM: babe! that's scary!
NJ: its kinda tight...i mean, if i have hep we can totally sue the hospital and use the money to finance IVF or adoption!!!
NM: but then you would have hepatitis C!!
NJ: well according to you, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, "people don't die from hepatitis!".

and..... scene.

so now i gotta go to the stupid lab tomorrow to get a blood test. wouldn't it just totally put the icing on the cake if we have spent all of this time and money and energy...and we have been driving hours and hours to use medical facilities in a distant city... just so that i would end up with pinche hepatitis C??? i don't even swim in public pools for god's sake!! mother father!!

i'd take mark ruffalo's swimmers anyday!!

i read tonight that

Lisa Cholodenko (director of High Art & Laurel Canyon) has a new film in the works. its called the kids are alright and apparently its about a lesbian couple and their children's quest to find, and meet, their sperm bank-donor-daddy. here is the synopsis....

"Nic and Jules have raised two smart and wonderful kids, Joni.and Laser. When Joni turns 18, she and Laser meet their biological sperm donor father, Paul, and his presence in their lives causes friction within their family. Mia Wasikowska (Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland) and Josh Hutcherson (Journey to the Center of the Earth) play the siblings who decide to find their lesbian moms’ sperm donor. Annette Bening and Julianne Moore play the lesbian moms, Nic and Jules. The donor turns out to be cutie Mark Ruffalo."

im cautiously optimistic about the potential outcome of this film. on one hand its nice to see a film that captures non-mainstream families that so many of us have, or come from. the whole young-stereotypically-beautiful-white-heterosexual-couple-meet-and-fall-in-love-and-almost-break-up-but-in-the-end-they-get-married-and-get-pregnant-on-the-first-try...story line is getting pretty played out if you ask me. hell yeah we want to see films about gay families, gay-ish families, single parent families, kids-being-raised-by-other-family-members families, foster families, adoption families, etc.

i think the "cautious" part of my cautiously optimistic view is that i really hope they dont screw it up. given all of the negative things that are said about GLBT families, it would be great if the film doesnt perpetuate the biology=destiny fallacy. even the talk about michael jackson's kids lately has been interesting in that so many people question if "those are really his kids?". those of us in TTC bloglandia know that biology has very little to do with whether a child is "really" yours or not. anywho... i got my *fingers crossed* that the film will do a good job of showing how totally normal we are in our abnormality.

infertile sell-out or is adoption the new pregnant??

you might have noticed that i have added some new blogs to the "you should read these blogs too..." list. if you play the sesame street "one of these things is not like the others" game, you will notice that these new blogs are about adoption. *gasp!* (enter dramatic soap opera music). those of us who follow TTC blogs will know that "adoption talk" typically equals "giving up hope" on ever getting pregnant. im certainly not there...yet.

our appointment with dr. to-be-or-not-to-be-a-homophobe went surprisingly well. we were treated very nicely by the front desk staff who asked me (without stuttering once) "is she (gesturing to NM) your partner?". they included NM in paperwork and asked for her insurance information as well. (not sure why since we aren't legally tied....but the gesture was still nice).

i only had one....ok, two... minor freak outs while filling out the paper work. the first one went a little something like this:

NJ: "look at the top of this form... it asks for my name, address, date of birth, and marital status. no big deal. but THEN it asks, 'How long have you been married?' AND 'How many times have you been married?'. WTF?? what does THAT have to do with anything??"

NM: *shrugs* "just leave it blank"

NJ: "Just leave it blank??? it makes NO sense that they would need to know how many times a patient has been married! even if i had been married 190 times...what does that have to do with my medical care today??"

NM: "but you haven't been married 190 times, so leave it blank."

i left it blank.

freak out number 2 looked like this:

NJ: *very audible sigh*

NM: "what now?"

NJ: "look at this form... what am i supposed to write???"

NM: "the form asks if you are legally married...?"

NJ: "i realize that. what am i supposed to say?"

NM: "we aren't legally married."

NJ: "we are legally married in Massachusetts!!!"

NM: (pause) "but....we aren't in Massachusetts...so leave it blank."

NJ: "but that means i have to put 'single'! that's a lie! i AM legally married to you! its not MY fault that colorado doesn't recognize it!!"

NM: "then put that you are married!"

NJ: "but we aren't married here!"

NM: (gives me the "are you serious right now?" look)

NJ: (pause) "ooh, i have an idea... how about i leave it blank?"

once we handed in the paperwork it was smooth sailing from there. while in the waiting room i flipped through a magazine about adoption and thought it was odd that they would have adoption magazines in a fertility clinic. that's kinda like having wheel chair brochures at an orthopedic surgeon's office. i would hope that the majority of patients wouldn't need information about adoption after using their services. *scratching my head*

we were called to the back by one of the PAs who sat with us in a consultation room. i have since renamed her Lesbo McDyke because i could barely hear her over the loud beeping of my gaydar alarm. NM and i laughed later about how my earlier emails and calls (the ones where i accused the office of being homophobic) caused them to choose Lesbo McDyke as our PA. regardless, she was cool. i pretty much knew i was gonna like her when she said, "The doctor will have a whole butt load of information for you". "butt load" and wood paneling in a doctors office?? this was my kinda place!

dr. turned-out-to-not-be-a-homophobe was pretty cool. he wasnt wearing a wedding ring but mentioned his "wife" on a few occasions. i thought this was a sign that he is an adulterer but NM said that it might mean that he isn't super rigid about traditional marriage roles. *shrug*

he said that we aren't crazy to try "2 to 3 more times" with me before "changing the plan". given that this doctor does 2 inseminations per cycle though means that 2 additional tries could be the equivalent of 4 tries with the other doctor! i cant really start talking about the finances right now because...well, i dont want to end up braking my keyboard from typing so hard. im sure that it will be another post all of its own. stay tuned for that rant.

i digress...

the point of this post is actually that we are tossing around the idea of adoption. im honestly not sure how i feel about it... and by "tossing around" i mean that we have had the following interaction:

NJ: "maybe we should meet with an adoption agency just to hear what they have to say."

NM: "tight. great idea".

so today i called the local agency that works with GLBT families. their website even has photos of gay couples! we have an appointment in 2 weeks with a specialist who will fill us in on the deets about the process. again, im not giving up hope... we are just expanding our net to include other possibilities.

*nod*

lets just hope that the specialist doesnt ask me if we are married. *smile*

cry me a river.

time off from TTC has been kinda nice. no charts or graphs or shots or opk's or counting days...i almost feel like a regular ol' person again. we have officially left our doctor and have our first consult with the new doctor tomorrow afternoon. im feeling both excited and nervous about the whole thing. here's why....

im feeling excited because it will be our first experience with the doctor in town that has a reputation for being homophobic. wait, that didnt come out right. what i mean is that im excited about meeting with a new doctor. period. im also somewhat excited (but also apprehensive) about meeting mr. new-doctor-the-homophobe to see if he is or is not a bigot. more investigation "on the street" has indicated that perhaps it was his father (who started the practice) who was homophobic but our doctor (the son) apparently isnt. i suppose only time will tell. it will be nice to travel 2 minutes to doctor appointments rather than the typical hour plus. an hour long appointment would require 3.5 hours off of work for me and NM. it will be nice to have less demand on our schedules. given that he is the only RE in a 60 mile radius...lets hope for a negative result on the bigot test...otherwise its back to road-tripping it for every ultrasound. grr!

im feeling nervous because our new doctor doesnt take our insurance. this isnt a super huge deal because most of the costs associated with TTC arent covered by any insurance company anyway. but, things like the initial consult ($450), blood work ($150) and ultrasounds ($270) will now be added to the pile of costs with each passing unsuccessful month.

i had a breakdown-of-sorts last weekend when NM and i sat down to look at our finances. we were hoping to put in a new back yard patio (nothing fancy...just some flagstone) but when we took into account the money that we will start spending again on TTC...little else fits into the budget. we are down to one vial of swimmers which means we need to re-order before we start any additional procedures. when i looked at our finances and thought about the fact that we are about to spend thousands of additional dollars in what might be a feeble attempt at pregnancy...i broke down.

its not so much the amount of money that bothers me....its the uncertainty of it all. im not the type of person who has ever enjoyed gambling and TTC feels like im standing at a poker table in vegas with $5000 in my hand! if i knew with 100% confidence that spending 5 or 10 or 15 thousand bucks would result in a child...i would say, "go for it!". but when looking at the plans that NM and i have for our future, do i really want to waste 5 or 10 or 15 thousand dollars on trying unsuccessfully to have baby!? *sigh* the whole thing makes me feel nauseous.

taking this time off from TTC has made having a child seem less imperative. not so much in the out-of-sight-out-of-mind kind of way...its just that taking a break from the constant mental strain of it all has allowed space and energy for other things.

and.... at the same time, as we watch 4 couples in our lives as they start (or add to) their families...its hard to not feel even more desperate to add to our own. last weekend we happened to see all 4 of these couples at various points throughout the day and the cumulative impact was hard. its not that im not happy for each of them... i totally am. and its not that i cant be around or talk about babies... because i totally can. i think that the thing that feels hardest is how far away the possibility feels for me and NM. we are no where close to conceiving so its hard to grasp that it will be a year (at LEAST) before we have the chance to experience children together.

this post has turned into a bit of a whiny sad story which wasnt what i had intended so i think ill stop here. *fingers crossed* for a positive experience at the new doctor. im feeling hopeful about what he will have to say.