"congrats! wanna hear a nightmare adoption story?"

the process of telling people about our news has been fa-scin-a-ting. by far the most common response goes something like this:

"oh my god!! im so excited for you!! what are the chances that she might change her mind?"

while this question definitely comes from a good place (ie. wanting to protect us from harm), it has started to get pretty annoying. i have decided that from now on, when i see a pregnant woman im gonna say "congrats! im so excited for you! what are the chances that the baby could die?". lol. kidding, kidding. but you get the point.

another interesting thing that we are learning is that most people expect that we will be adopting an older child. when we mention that we will be at the hospital when he is born people often say, "wait... youre getting a baby??! like a baby baby?!?" then the excitement goes through the roof.

these reactions remind me of how many misconceptions i used to have about adoption, birthmothers, legal nightmares, etc etc. its funny how something that once seemed so foreign and scary has now become so run-of-the-mill.

anywho... i have gotten lots of questions about what we know so here goes:

* birthmother is a 19 year old college student
* birthfather knows about the baby and has already signed away his parental rights. (this is a big deal because if the birthfather isnt int he picture, we would have to run ads in newspapers announcing the adoption to give him a chance to come forward. as you can imagine, few people even read the paper anymore so there is always a fear that a birthdad could resurface and say, "i had no idea this baby existed and i want rights")
* birthmom is super healthy... no drugs or alcohol.
* birth family lives locally and all seem to support her choice for adoption


the only somewhat negative part about the birthmom is that at this point, she prefers a closed adoption. for folks who dont know, a closed adoption means that we wont get to meet her or know any identifying information about her or her family. we had really hoped to have an open adoption so that our kid could have access to his birth family and grow to know them. we believe that everyone has the right to know where they come from so this part is kind of a bummer. its not that we would want to co-parent with them or anything... but occasional visits and photo updates would have been great.

our caseworker said that the birthmom is feeling super overwhelmed right now and is pretty miserable physically. it sounds like the pregnancy has been really rough on her so we are hopeful that maybe after all is said and done... and some time has passed... she will reconsider the no-contact rule. *fingers crossed!*

let the roller coaster begin!

Written on June 30th at 11am

its been a little over 48 hours since we received the news and its juuust starting to sink in. yesterday was a rough day for me and im not entirely sure that i have figured out why yet. i spent most of the afternoon crying and crying and crying... with little understanding of what, exactly, was making me upset.

after processing with NM and a couple of close friends, i think that it all boils down to a feeling of loss. i know that probably sounds strange since we finally seem to be GAINING a family member... and im not sure if anyone else has felt this way immediately after hearing news about being picked.... but its like im suddenly TERRIFIED that i will lose NM through all of this. like i fear that one day we will wake up, roll over and think "i hate my life. when did everything go wrong?". you know those couples who were once so in love but somewhere along they way they lost each other? *sigh*

a friend told me, "dont worry about that. NM would never leave you and even if she did, you would be totally fine". on one hand i get it. im strong and independent and *waiving finger in the air* dont need no' man to make me happy. i pretty much majored in feminist discourse so i get it. its not so much that i fear NM leaving or being a single mom... its that i fear losing HER in the process of day-to-day life. like losing who she is. im so afraid that as we inevitably shift and change to accommodate this new path in our life, that we will lose the very things that are so wonderful about us right now.

as i know i have mentioned, i have a history with self injury and have struggled with suicidal thoughts/actions. i have worked SO. FREAKIN. HARD to dig myself out of the depths and work towards a life of meaning, balance, integrity and love. i honestly NEVER thought i would be where i am today and i never dreamed that i would end up in a marriage like the one i have been blessed (in a totally non-christian way, of course *wink*) to have. so i think that maybe whats going on for me right now is that im standing on the edge of be-careful-what-you-wish-for and realizing that with great change also comes great risk.

sometimes i think i must be crazy to be feeling like this. the thing i have wanted for 3 freaking years is finally coming true... why would i be sad about anything?!?! but then i think that maybe this is a great way to enter into a new family dynamic. i want to make sure NM and i are committed to keeping our marriage as the priority and remembering that our relationship was what made this family possible in the first place.

dont get me wrong, im gonna love the shit outta this little dude. and im fully prepared for the fact that the first year will pretty much be non-stop baby. i guess im just trying to say that it is my intention that NM and i remain the strong family unit that we were before he got here. i dont know a better model to show him that love, respect, humor and commitment are possible in a marriage.

*shrug*

in the meantime, ill work to stop crying. lol.

the apprentice

Written on June 28th, 2011 5:00pm

if all goes according to plan, in exactly 2 months from today....  we will be meeting our new baby. wow, that feels weird to write.

as i wrote about in THIS post, we received notice that our paperwork was due to expire in july and needed to be updated. part of this packet includes the reference forms which need to be filled out by various members of our community. my best friend is one of our references and since she lives out of state, i called and left a message for our new caseworker (who we havent met yet) to see if the forms could be emailed rather than snail-mailed.

so, yesterday we receive an email from the caseworker inviting us to come in and meet her in person and hear about "some new updates". i read the email out loud to NM and immediately said, "what if 'new updates' means that they arent working with gay couples anymore??!!"  i was nervous but responded and set a meeting for 9:45 the next morning.

the next morning we get to the agency and were greeted by M2 who you might remember from THIS post. it had been nearly a friggin YEAR since we last saw her, so she hugged us and welcomed us into the conference room. i thought that the crew in the conference room must have been finishing up a meeting or something because there were like 6 people in there, sitting around the table.

they invited us to sit down and i suddenly got VERY nervous. i thought, "omg... they are totally gonna kick us out of the program for being gay!!"

we took our seats at the table and waited for the director of the agency to speak. before she had a chance i said, "man, i feel like im on the apprentice." ... after which, nobody laughed.

there were nervous looks between staff at the table and finally, the director said, "we are really excited to report that we have some good news. a birthmother has chosen you two."

um, WHAT?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

M2 chimed in and told us that birthmom is due to give birth at the end of august (LIKE IN 60 days??!!?) and then asked, "would you like to know what she is having?"

we both responded "YES!!" in unison, without even looking at each other.

"its a boy. congratulations, you are gonna have a baby boy."

she shared that the birthmother was in 2 weeks prior (while we were in vegas!!) and was flipping through portfolios when she got to ours and said, "well, lets see what the girls have to say". M2 said that typically birthmoms skim portfolios but our birthmom took her time reading the details, cover to cover and even after putting ours down to look at others, she kept coming back to the feeling that we were/are the right fit. i totally love that she was deliberate and intentional in her process of choosing... it was really validating and made me feel honored.


im realizing right now that one day, a grown man could be reading this and learning about the day his parents found out he was gonna be their son.

son.

thats still a weird word.

woah.

as you can imagine, its a whirlwind here. we have 8 weeks to prepare and 3 of those weeks we will be traveling out of state. so... FIVE weeks to get ready for a tiny human. since i am not releasing these posts publicly yet, by the time you are reading this, we may have even LESS time. aaaahhh!!!!

pssst.....

ok, ok... its time for me to "come out" on this blog. about 2 weeks ago, we were called to the adoption agency for a "quick meeting" and found out that we have been selected by a birthmother. aaaahhhh! i have been blogging about the process (and my meltdowns!!) ever since, but havent been able to publish the posts because the news was still top secret. now that most of the people in our lives know... im free to shout it from the rooftops!!

so, here is the first post i wrote- about 2 hours after we found out.



June 28, 2011


*whispering*

we got picked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

more info to come.

Challenge 9, 10 & 12

challenge 9 - how important you think education is

ok, this is pretty much the dumbest question ever. but... ill play along and answer by saying that as an educator, i believe education is very very very important. 

challenge 10 - first 10 songs on shuffle

we have a "family" ipod in our house which NM is mostly in charge of. so, answering this question as it is written would tell you more about NM's music tastes than it would about mine. but again, to play along... if i WERE to have an ipod, and that ipod were switched on "shuffle", im sure the top 10 songs would include bjork, a tribe called quest, adele, rihanna, regina spektor and julieta venegas. im a big fan of lyrics and tend to connect more to the storytelling aspect of music than i do to the musical quality-ness. (clearly, im not a musician). i can typically hear a song once or twice and know most of the lyrics. but ask me to identify which instruments are involved in making a song and i wouldnt have a clue. well, other than the cello and banjo... my 2 favorite instruments.

challenge 12 - five men i find attractive

the hard part about this question is that so much of what makes a person "attractive" to me is their character. what i mean by this is that almost anyone, with the right amount of authenticity and strength of character can be attractive. and on the flip side, even the hottest of all hotties can suddenly lose all their attractiveness when they act like an ass. so, here is my best attempt at answering this question.

*resisting the urge to list marky mark 5 times*

#5 - dhani jones

#4 - jake gyllenhaal

#3 - johnny depp (especially as Roux)

#2 brandon pereyda (from cirque du soleil)

#1 - marky

example #495 of NJ public school education

NM: babe, its midnight, why are you cleaning the bathroom?
me: because its nasty! there is a little pink ring around the drain in the sink! EW! we are practically curing penicillin in here!
NM: um, penicillin IS a cure.
me: oh.
NM: its a good thing you're pretty.

aaaand, scene.

Contrast: fun with street photography in vegas

last week i shared THIS post about our recent trip to las vegas. we were there for nearly a week because NM had a conference to attend for work. while she was at the conference, i was left to wander the streets "enjoying" the sights and sounds of vegas. i dont gamble and i pretty much dont drink, so for me vegas was kind of like watching an electrified train wreck.

after the first full day of walking the strip, i began to notice an interesting dynamic present in the tourist culture of vegas. despite the exorbitant resources invested in creating a magical adult-disney-like atmosphere for tourists....everyone around us seemed absolutely miserable. couples fought with one another, women sobbed as husbands/boyfriends/children yelled at them in public, kids whined and cried while parents jerked them to and fro. perhaps it was the heat, or the alcohol, or the pressure to have a "totally vegas" experience. *shrug* whatever it was, it became more and more difficult to not absorb the negative energy around me.



also, i should mention that htis was my first trip to vegas since beginning my current job (im a sexual violence prevention educator and victim advocate). so, it was nearly impossible for me to remove the lens of advocate as i watched men carry intoxicated women to hotel rooms, groups of guys cat calling and groping women around them, public advertisements selling various parts of women's bodies, etc etc etc. *sigh*



the smothering examples of rape culture coupled with the over-the-top displays of forced-fun made it really difficult to relax and enjoy my time in vegas. i felt tense and frustrated and needed desperately to do something with that energy building up inside me.  so, i decided to do a photography assignment.



i have recently become reengaged with the art of street photography. if you aren't familiar with street photography i recommend THIS site or THIS site but the basic gist is that street photography aims to tell the story of culture around us...often the ignored/invisible/forgotten parts of society that become so commonplace, we hardly notice they exist.



another great element of street photography is that it is often shot "from the hip", without looking through the viewfinder. so, unlike formal photography where elements like blur and bulls-eye are discouraged, street photography welcomes unorthodox composition so long as it causes a visceral reaction in the viewer.



so, to make a short story long, i spent two days shooting street photography of vegas. i paid attention to what was happening in the backgrounds, behind the scenes, in the directions opposite to where tourists were looking. if hoards of tourists pointed their cameras up, i pointed mine down. if i saw someone taking a photo of a famous attraction, i searched for the keepers and maintainers of those attractions. for any fans of the book Hunger Games, i became katniss everdeen looking for the ripple in the sky of the arena.



i ignored the attention-grabbing flashiness of vegas and instead started tracking service workers, examined the concrete, looked at the colors in discarded rubbish. the more i did this, the more i realized that the real vegas, is actually quite beautiful.



here are some of the photos i shot along with a brief description of what i found compelling about some of them. some shots were composed with the use of the viewfinder, but most were shot from the hip. you can click on the photo to see it in full size. my hope is that these shots tell the story of my time in vegas better than a slide show of postcard-quality images might.

Contrast: 6 days in vegas

Momentary Rest

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Colors on the Strip

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The Eyesore

(this shot was taken while standing in a crowd, waiting to cross the street. people in the group stretched their arms and bent awkwardly, attempting to capture a shot of the bellagio that did not contain this groundskeeper. i happen to think the shot is better with him in it.)

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Fountain Blues

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The Post

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A Superhero's Smoke-Break

(you cant tell from this image but this shot was taken in a small little alcove-of-sorts where the NY, NY casino stores its dumpsters. as one of the few spots with complete shade, it inevitably becomes a smoke-break location for street performers like this red power ranger.
i loved how human he was in this moment.)

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Herds

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Blood Red

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Taking 5

(this shot was taken shortly after noon. i loved the juxtaposition of the activities being done by both people. while the man on the left takes a break from work and pulls an apple out of a plastic bag from home, the woman on the right sits on a bench sorting through the photos on her camera.)

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Self Portrait - Black and White

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12-Hour Shift

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Going Green

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Bellagio Valets

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Bellagio Groundskeeper

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Tattooed

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Bellagio Groundskeeper 2

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Cabs

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Shine

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Ants in the Sky

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Daylight

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Gay Vegas

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Curb

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The Sweeper

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Self Portrait - Girls

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Lost

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Blood Red 2

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Yellows

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Grey

The Sweeper 2

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Beautiful Day Outside

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Free Beer Culture

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Window

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Music

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Invisible Girls Girls Girls

(this was one of many shots that demonstrates the invisibility of the escort promoters who hand out "stripper cards". i have to admit that i wasn't sure how to respond when they offered me cards. it gets pretty ridiculous saying, "no thanks" every 30 seconds so without realizing it, i quickly adopted the i-dont-see-them strategy too. it was amazing and somewhat disturbing how little time it took for me to learn how to completely zone them out... as if entire human beings ceased to exist. *sigh*)

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Colors of Life

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Train Wreck

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While You were Out

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Fixated

(this shot was taken in MGM. these three men were playing the slot machines when a female server began dancing on the bar in the background. i was struck how these men sat at their slot machines, continuing to push buttons and gamble while their eyes remained glued to the woman dancing.)

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Lost 2 - Winter in June

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Invisible Girls Girls Girls 2

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Modifications

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Grey 2

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To Tourists, With Love