30-day challenge post #1- winning my heart in 5 easy steps

challenge #1 - 5 ways to win my heart.

at this point in my life it feels kinda weird to write a list of 5 ways to win my heart because the truth is, that pony done already been won. if you wanna win my heart, you just gotta find a magic lamp and wish to come back as NM. its that simple. she had me at hello.

but

since this is a 30 day challenge, ill play along and see what i can come up with.

1. sense of humor- i gotta echo my girl inconsistently the same and say that sense of humor is definitely at the top of the list. beyond simply being funny though, the key to my heart is dry, sarcastic, borderline-inappropriate, biting wit. sorta like the time when NM made a "jersey girls are slutty" joke mid-insemination. or when she told me, "you know, settling for someone has never felt so good". god i love that woman.

2. dont sweat me- as trite as it might seem, im definitely a sucker for the ewww-you-have-cooties approach. while i dont ever want to feel dissed, i totally dig the push and pull of keeping me on my toes. ive never been the type to like being wooed, outwardly adored or followed... it just feels too perpy. so, if you really wanna win my heart, act like you like me... but NOT like your life begins and ends with me. act like YOU have interests and hobbies and thoughts and opinions and desires... beyond the ones that match up perfectly with mine. nothing makes me lace my sneakers faster than clingy uber-dependence. *shiver*

3. be creative and occasionally romantic - im thinking loyd dobler, roux, ronald miller, darius lovehal, andrew paxton kind of romance. one of my favorite movie lines was in stranger than fiction when harrold crick says to ana pascal (a baker)... "i brought you flours". cheesy yet creative. *day dream sigh*

4. have clean hygiene and smell good- this one is so simple and yet so elusive. dirty fingernails* are a total buzz kill. dry heave. (*the only exception to this rule is when said "dirt" is actually related to a job/hobby that requires you to like, use your hands and get dirty. but the ive-been-sitting-in-my-cubicle-for-8-hours kind of dirt is just grody.)

5. good vibrations- i have to include at least ONE thing that doesnt describe NM. otherwise this whole list could just be retitled "things i like about my wife". so, the last key to winning my heart is to actually BE marky mark. backwards cap, 8th grade drakkar cologne and timbs included. *fanning myself* good LORD this man is hot.

peer pressure is a mother-father

because i love my friends, im gonna buckle down and do my darnedest to successfully participate in this 30-day blog challenge. im not typically one for follow-through or completion-of-projects. im a GREAT starter of things... lousy finisher.

so, ill say upfront that aint no way in HAYell that this will be 30 consecutive days of blogging. more like 30-day-within-365-days-or-less challenge. there, that feels better.

here is the line up....

 since misery loves company... feel free to play along!!

and here's a shock...its time to pay more money.

we received an envelope last week from our adoption agency. upon first glance at the mailing address, i have to admit that the thought, "how strange that they would contact us via snail-mail about a baby" ran through my head. but alas, it turns out they were just sending us a friendly reminder that the "contents of your file are about to reach the one-year expiration date". great, just what i needed. a reminder that another WHOLE year has gone by and nada.

the list of items to be renewed includes:

tax return info

state and federal fingerprints

background checks

dept of human services central registry clearances

letters of recommendation

physicals

house inspection

CPR/First aid

you know, the little things. *choke*

with the exception of the letters of recommendation, all of the above will cost us money. and, i wouldnt be surprised if our friends started charging us a fee for their recommendation services. which honestly, i would understand since it must take a tremendous amount of work to compile a letter of recommendation for me that doesnt include the words "lush", "angry", "psycho-man-hating-lesbian" or "somehow-manages-to-bring-every-conversation-back-to-the-topic-of-sexual-violence-prevention". and while i contend that all of the above are some of my best qualities, i guess the state doesnt want to place a kid with a mom who could be best described as girl-interrupted meets hard-candy. (side note: if you havent seen the film hard candy... you HAVE to check it out!! reason #472 to love ellen page and rape revenge films)

i digress...

we are going to take this "valuable opportunity" to officially change my last name to match NM's. its something i have wanted to do for a while but have been reluctant to start because of the reDONKulous amount of bureaucracy involved. example #8726 of the marriage benefits afforded to heterosexuals.

since i will need to do fingerprints for the adoption agency, we figure we can kill-two-perps-with-one-stone by filing for a name change at the same time. i figure if nothing else, maybe the name change process will give me something to write/rant about on this blog. *fingers crossed*



the call about twins.

the other morning we were on our way to work when NM's cell phone rang.

NM: "I dont recognize the number."

me: "pick it up, it might be important."

NM: *answers the phone* "hello? yes, this is NM. uh-huh... yeah.... ok. that's AWESOME NEWS!

me: (*thinking* what's awesome news? hm, maybe its about a baby!! nah, that would be silly.)

NM: "wow... what great news. and TWINS?!"

me: (*thinking* omg! its totally the adoption agency!! we have been picked!! we have been picked!! and the birth-mother has twins!! yay!!)

NM: "that's so great! ok, yeah... uh-huh.... um, may 31st? let me think... um, yeah, im pretty sure that will work."

me: (*thinking* may 31st? that's like a week away?! omg! we are gonna be parents in a week!!)

NM: "ok, thanks for the call. ill see you then" *hangs up the phone and continues to drive*

me: "um, what the heck was that all about!??!"

NM: "oh, nothing. my dentist had to move my appointment up to the 31st because his wife is having twins in 2 weeks."

me: *speechless*

aaaand, scene.

*tap tap tap* ...is this thing on?

oy. nothing like pms grouchiness to pull me out from this rock ive been hiding under. its been a shameful amount of time since i last posted. not that anyone out there in cyberworld loses sleep over a silent jersey. i mostly feel ashamed because this blog has been such a fantastic coping mechanism for me through this nightmare of years and years and years of TTC, and i feel like ive been letting myself down by not keeping up with it.

sometimes its just hard to feel inspired to write when i think about the fact that the entire crew of folks i began blogging with... all of them... have either had a BFN, adopted or birthed a child by now. it feels like im the only kid in elementary school who didnt  go to summer camp and now i get to sit here and hear aaaallll about how awesome macrame class was and how much fun it was to swim in the lake. basically, i feel like the vo-tech stoner loser of my class. *folding arms and pouting*

the truth is, until recently... there hasn't been anything to write about on this blog. we have been going about our normal routine... working, hanging out with friends, drinking adult beverages, fixing up the house, hanging out with other people's kids, drinking adult beverages, seeing lots of movies, drinking adult beverages... basically doing all of the things that we hear get tossed out the window once you have a tiny human screaming in the other room.

i got'sta admit, the yay-we-are-free-from-the-shackles-of-motherhood good times are fun, and for the most part, keep us fulfilled and happy.  im reminded everyday that i married THE coolest woman on the planet and find myself pausing at random moments to scratch my head and ask how the hell i managed to pull this whole thing off. we hang out and plan road trips, attend fabulous late-night concerts, try new trendy restaurants... and always, without fail, say at least once,  "we TOTALLY couldn't be doing this right now if we had a kid". SCORE!

and then there are those moments... when we see a cute family in the grocery store or we look back at journal entries or insemination-day photos, that i feel the ache in my heart. i sometimes feel like NM and i are on pause, our family in limbo as we wait and wait and wait for the next phase of our life to begin. its not that we are "incomplete" without a baby... that's not at all what i mean. i really believe that had we decided against having kids, we would have lived a full and happy life together...complete in all its glory with just the two of us.

the problem though is that we haven't decided against kids. 4 years ago we sat down and pictured our immediate and long term future and decided then and there that the picture would be WAY cooler if it included at least one tiny human to corrupt. and so the TTC journey began.

sometimes i use this blog as a way to measure time. i look back at the dates of my early posts and think, "wow... its been 2 years and 8 months." or "3 years already?? that's such a long time to wait." i sometimes picture our three-year-old-imaginary-child and wonder what she/he would be doing right now while i write this silly blog.

but then today, while skimming the dates of my early posts, i actually paused long enough to click on one. and um, holy shit. as i read the post i realized that i started writing this blog ONE YEAR into our attempts at pregnancy! my three-year-old-imaginary-child just aged a year in one click of the mouse.

i wont get all Rent-The-Musical on you by counting how many minutes there are in a year... but trust me, its a lot. add four of those years together and holy crap, we have been waiting for a long time.

i often hear people say while *bouncing their free baby on their hip* "oh, just enjooooy your time alone now while you can. this little one keeps us soooo busy!" and most of the time i just want to punch them in the neck. riiiight lady. the problem here is that NM and i aren't "enjoying" the 4-year suspense roller coaster enough. *rolling my eyes*

i feel like NM and i agonized over whether we should enter the baby race to begin with and once we finally decided to compete and laced up our sneakers and found our spot at the starting line and waited for the gun to fire.... *boom!* off everyone else went without us. and here we sit, still at the starting line, watching competitor after competitor lap us (some for the second time!).

and sure, i suppose we could take the advice of the young parents in our life to "enjoy the time you have alone while you can". but really, how much fun can you have while sitting at the friggin starting line for 4 years?! its like sitting in the waiting room OF YOUR LIFE!

again, let me reassure all the feminist readers out there that im not suggesting our lives are incomplete without a baby. its more about the fact that the things we want to do as a family include kids. and we cant just live the life that doesn't involve kids because that would require that we actually SPEND MONEY on things like airline tickets and new cars or a fancy new flat in the heart of london!

this living in limbo thing is terrible and only made worse by the "live in the moment" breeder mumbo-jumbo we hear all the time. like what am i supposed to do, "enjoy the time alone" by moving abroad? joining the circus? going to vet school? (all things i would do in a life-with-no-kids).

when parents around us swash their wrist and say "oh just live in the moment" i want to yell-
EASY FOR YOU TO SAY! youre not the one who will have to explain this to a kid one day! i can picture it now, "gee, im sorry little jersey. we would have had money to send you to college but the thing is, you cost like TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS to adopt and then there was that whole live-in-the-moment circus stint that your mom and i had while we were 'living in the moment' waiting for you...*day dream sigh*... oh that circus was sure fun. anywho, the point is, we are a little drained on funds. sorry. *pat on the head*

oy. i swear. this pms is killing me.

thoughts on ego and guilt

we have officially been initiated into the omg-the-adoption-agency-called/emailed-with-a-potential-placement club. almost every adoptive family has an example of the first time they received a call/email  from the agency that ended up not being what they thought it would be.

yesterday NM and i received an email titled "potential placement". the excitement rushed through my veins as i read the email. ill cut to the chase and say up front that its not the right placement for us. boo hoo. the email however is still sitting with me for lots of reasons.

the story of this placement includes 3 kids.... a 10 year old boy, an 8 year old girl and a 4 year old girl. the agency is looking to place all three kids in the same home and is hoping to avoid multiple placements (meaning that they want to find someone to fully adopt all three, not a foster situation). all three of the children are survivors of sexual abuse and the youngest was born addicted to drugs/alcohol.

NM and i immediately thought, "um, going from zero to three high-needs kids?!? hell no!" and then, there we were, 5 minutes later, driving for hot wings and having a somewhat serious conversation about it. and by "conversation" i mean that we were both staring out the car window exchanging random sentences.

"omg, that would be bananas"
"three kids? i wouldn't even know where to start!"
"the sexual abuse is concerning. especially given that the boy is the oldest. he would need intense therapy"
"i feel like the work we both do could provide us with the necessary skills to handle this situation"
"i don't feel like i know enough about child development to like, start off with non-newborns. like, if you have a baby you get to watch them develop in stages...first they learn to talk, then they learn to count, then to read, ect. but with this situation its like, blamo! a 4 year old. like do they even know their colors at that age??"
"i wish the boy was the youngest. i would feel better about the possibility of taking them, and the possibility of his recovery, if he wasn't the oldest"
"i wonder what the rest of the story is"
"id feel better if it was only two kids. but three?"

and on, and on....

in the end, we have decided that this isn't for us. its not the right timing, or situation. whats bananas (apparently "bananas" is my word of the day, sorry.) is how guilty im feeling about saying no. its like i have this scholarship to give away and im determining who gets to have it. yuck.

up until this point, so much of the focus has been on whether or not other people would pick us... the adoption agency, the social workers, the birth parents, etc. for 2 years we have been the ones up for evaluation. from laboring over our portfolio in the hopes that it would "get us picked"... to reading as many books/stories as we could in the hopes of learning about how birthmoms decide "who to pick"... its been nonstop marketing and selling of ourselves. yesterdays email put us, for the first time, in the position of the "picker". (ew, that sounds kinda gross. sorry again.)

and..... (warning: this next part is gonna come off sounding totally arrogant but i trust that my fellow TTC bloggers will understand what i mean)..... i think about these kids, and what they have been through in their short lives and i cant help but feel like they deserve us. they deserve the great home that we would no doubt provide. its not that i think other adoptive families suck... its just that i really really really believe that we will be the. best. parents. ever. (and yes, i realize that by writing that sentence i have now probably destined our child to a life of crime, addiction and self injury. stupid karma.)

i guess what im meaning to say is that the TTC process has a way of making couples develop an ego about what great parents we will be. if i had a dime for every time i asked the question..... "why would god choose to give (insert the name of unplanned pregnancy) a baby when we would be such great parents?!!?"... i would probably have enough money to cover invitro. as infertiles, we spend HOURS day dreaming, talking and planning our life with kids. so its easy to get caught up in that and feel like any kid would practically win the parent-lottery if they get to live with us.

i recently watched an episode of the dog whisperer where this super aggressive (read: misunderstood) pitbull was about to be put to sleep when cesar decided to adopt him. if you dont watch the show this analogy will be lost on you but dog whisperer fans will know that this dog was probably like... OHMYGOD! i get to live with THE cesar millan??!! SCORE!!

that's how i feel when i think about NM and i as parents.

so along comes this email... with this sad story about these kids who have experienced pain and violation... and here i sit feeling like shit about not taking them. how are we supposed to feel ok about saying, "nah, we will pass" when we have wanted a kid for so long? *sigh* and its especially hard given the work that i do around sexual violence. i mean at the very least we can guarantee with 100% accuracy that these kids will never ever be sexually abused by their parents. isn't that the least they deserve? *sigh*

and then i get concerned because we fight so hard against the "savior" narrative that surrounds adoption. like adoptive parents are some friggin heroes because we are "saving" babies from "terrible" (read: poverty) situations. (more on this later in the positive adoption language post) yuck. its gross and very easy to be sucked into that with situations like these.

the truth is that any family would be lucky to have these three kids. and i believe that there will be another family with the financial resources to better support them in their recovery and growth. a 10 year old male survivor of sexual abuse needs almost constant supervision and a shit-ton of therapy. im hopeful that whatever family is lucky enough to have them will provide them with the love and stability that they deserve.

the other thing that is sticking with me is the timing of this email. here we are planning for holiday travel and day dreaming of holiday joy.... and at the same time, in our own community, there are three little humans whose future is weighing on an email sent out to strangers. when these kids grow up and tell the story of their lives, they will say "and then in november of 2010, a caseworker sent out an email trying to find me and my siblings a family". very humbling and reason to give thanks for all that we have.

jesus loves chode

once upon a time there was a small city nestled in the mountains. in this small city there lived a big corporate-style-conglomerate church called the Church of Hypocrisy, Oppression, Damnation and Exclusion (aka: CHODE). the members of CHODE spent all day and night praying for the elimination of evil things like world peace, people of color, premarital sex and a women's right to choose. above all else though, CHODE prayed day and night for the elimination of the world's biggest evil-doers.....

*drum roll*

... the queers. *gasp!*

CHODE was SO committed to eliminating the queers that they even offered free classes to help former queers stay on the straight-and-narrow (pun intended) path of righteousness that only a true (read: money-donating) christian can enjoy.

what, you might be asking, does this story have to do with a TTC blog??

well, much to my dismay, two... count them TWO...  of the four couples in our recent adoption class were card-carrying, flag-waiving members of CHODE. and, to make matters worse... one of the couples is actually a friggin PASTOR at CHODE (and when i say "one of the couples" im clearly referring to the husband. lord knows that the little lady aint allowed to preach-tha-good-word while owning a menstruating vagina).

you can imagine my face when the cheery introduction round started off like this...

caseworker: ok everyone... lets start the session off by learning a little bit about each other. please share your name, hobbies, how far along you are in the adoption process and what brings you to this class today. how about we start with the couple to my right?

barbie and ken couple to the caseworker's right: hi, my name is ken and this is my wife barbie. i am a pastor at CHODE and my wife is a barefoot stay at home mom to our three beautiful children who were conceived with out a problem, for free and only AFTER we were legally married. we dont have fertility issues like you barren freaks and are only here because we hope to become foster parents. we have tried to be cordial and respectful to the other two couples in this room who dont attend CHODE... but only because we are secretly praying for your souls and for the souls of your future children as they attempt to navigate a life that will no doubt be misguided by your sinful ways."

aaaand, scene.

*deep breath*

fine, ill admit it. the above might be a teensy weensy bit of an exaggeration... but its pretty damn close to what i heard them say. naturally, im still processing (read: reeling in anger) from the experience so i will stop here, breathe into a brown paper bag and try a new post that contains highlights from the class with (slightly) less sarcasm. all in all, it was actually a pretty good class and well worth our time. details to come soon.

in the meantime, let go and let god.

*dry heave*

thoughts on approval, warren g and brass knuckles

we had a meeting with our adoption agency this morning to finalize some paperwork and hand in four copies of our portfolio. M1 was home sick for the day so we met with the Executive Director of the organization (we will call her Ed) who was actually the person we met with waaaay back in the day for our first initial info session. Ed is super cool too... a little intense and kind of aggressive... but still real cool.

she gave us a copy of our "evaluation" to review and  a red pen to mark corrections or errors. the "evaluation" is basically a summary of the home study and personal interviews that we have done. the caseworkers then issue scores in various categories and if your score falls in an acceptable range, you are officially licenced, approved and given the "ok" to adopt.

the scores for each section run from 0 to 5... zero meaning "not an issue at all, totally acceptable" and five meaning "these people should probably seek counseling from a professional in this area". the caseworkers provide a narrative paragraph with an assessment of us in each area and then there is a final score sheet attached to the end. the score sheet looks kinda like this:

relationship to extended family = 1
work ethic = 2
safety of the home environment = 1
likelihood that they would accidentally leave the kid at a bowling alley = 4
likelihood that jersey will end up in a fist fight with a kid's teacher = 5

our scores were mostly 2's with an occasional 3 thrown in there for good measure. most of our "3"s had to do with things that we have no control over... alcoholic dad, past trauma, health issues... and it sounds like 2's and 3's are the standard scores... but it can still feel strange to not see all zeros. i mean after all, we are pretty damn close to perfect. *poppin my collar, cough*

there was one category in my review that received a 5 but since it was tied to past trauma.... and since i have done tons of healing and therapy about it... and since my current full time job includes working with survivors... the caseworkers "mitigated" the score down to 2. i was happy to read the part about mitigation but definitely had a moment while we were reviewing the narrative part where i felt like damaged goods. this is pretty common for survivors to feel so i'm pretty used to coaching myself out of the negative self-talk... but still it was hard to see on paper.

also, i couldn't help but feel angry that most of the areas where we received a "3" were areas that involved men. i'm not meaning to sound all man-hating-lesbian (the truth is i'm neither a man-hater or a lesbian)... i just got frustrated to see that my "score" is influenced by the unethical, irresponsible and criminal behavior of men in my life. grr.

anywho... i digress...

all in all... the caseworkers had really great things to say about us both individually and as a family. i was also happy that they only mentioned the gay thing ONCE in the entire report and it was only when talking about the ways that we could support a child who might experience feeling "different". i have been pleasantly surprised with how cool our agency has been when dealing with the whole homo issue.

we were left alone in a conference room to read through the report and i'm sure the people in the adjacent rooms were wondering what we were giggling about. it was just so weird to read other people's clinical assessment of you, your family, your marriage, your home, your dogs, your job and your general personality. i'm pretty sure that M2 wrote my evaluation because she referred to me as "kind", "peaceful" and "gentle" which actually kind of pissed me off given my jersey roots.

ME: omg... she said i'm "gentle"! WTF?
NM: so what?
ME: what?! i'm not gentle! GOD! she makes me sound like warren g!
NM: wait, what?
ME: warren g. regulate. you know, the song.
NM: yes, i know the song. i just don't know what the hell you are talking about.
ME: oh come on... its common knowledge that warren g is a punk bitch. that entire song is about how he got jumped and had to call his friend to come save his ass.
NM: wow. that's an interesting interpretation coming from an educator in the field of gender socialization.
ME: shut up! its true!
NM: well, i'm sure that given the fact that you chose to roll up to the adoption agency today wearing your BRASS KNUCKLES NECKLACE-CHARM, your reputation is intact. not sure about our status as potential adoptive parents though.
ME: puh-leeze! they should count this necklace as a bonus! who in their right mind would want to give a baby to punk ass warren g!
NM: i cant believe i married you.

aaaand scene.

the moral of the story is..... *drum roll*............. let the waiting begin!!!

snookie + bjork = Jersey as a mom.

houston, we have take off...

NM and i met with M1 last week and handed in a draft of our portfolio. on first glance, it seemed that she liked it. at the very least, it didn't make her decide to kick us out of the program so that has to count for something.

we sent a pdf of all 13 pages to various peeps in our world... mom, sister, besties, bff's, etc.... and got lots of awesome and valuable feedback. for folks who are about to start creating a portfolio, i highly recommend that you seek as much feedback as folks are willing to give. after many hours of edits, we have a somewhat finalized version that we plan to hand in on friday.

M1 told us that the average potential birthmom will look at each portfolio for 10-15 seconds before placing it in the aint-no-way-in-hay'el-that-im-givin-my-baby-to-these-people pile or the maybe pile. so, she recommended that we use bold or italics to make some of our key words stand out.

personally, i plan to highlight words like "jersey", "bjork", and "snookie" (yes, all three of those words made their way into our portfolio). while NM will most likely choose sensible words like "loving", "stable" and "responsible". snooze.  example #485 that first-born-children are WAY less exciting than we babies-of-the-family.

the post where i whine about making a portfolio

update: NM and i have cleared all of the hurdles for adoption and now only have two... count em, TWO things on our to-do list. first, we need to get our shots finalized. im still not too clear on why they need to know my hepatitis status. would they not allow us to adopt if it turned out that we were positive?? if so, i thank my lucky stars again that the crack head nurse didn't give me hep. (btw...she is currently doing like 20 years in jail!)

the other remaining item on our to-do list is the portfolio. *deep sigh* what a monumental task this has turned out to be. *wiping my brow*

i remember in our veeery first adoption meeting like 2 years ago, we were told that we would "get the opportunity to make a portfolio" that included details about our family, home, hobbies, values, etc. this portfolio would then be shown to potential birth-parents as they (typically she, but sometimes they) try to select adoptive parents. being the total craft freaks that we are, NM and i immediately got SO excited about making the portfolio. my little artist brain started thinking about all of the potential formats, colors, fonts and photos that we would use. i couldn't WAIT until we got the green light to go ahead and start making it.

until

we actually got the green light to start making it. 

suddenly "get the opportunity to make a portfolio" felt more like "have to force yourself to sit down and make a portfolio whether you like it or not". 

im not sure if this sudden aversion to making a portfolio is common with other adoptive parents but i just cant get past how unexpected this feels for me. and lets not even talk about the process of writing a letter to the potential birth-parent. fu'getabowtit.

in our defense, i should admit that we are more than half way through the portfolio. i feel like the further we get into the process though, the more final the decision feels. at first, playing with colors is just that... playing with colors. now, choosing a color means that we we will FOREVER have a (insert color) portfolio. which isn't that big of a deal until you think of yourself as a person who is choosing someone to like, RAISE YOUR BABY and you open the binder to see that they selected (insert your least favorite color in the world) as their main color!! aaaahhhh!! 

*deep breath*

the pressure to please is overwhelming but NM and i have tried to just keep an open mind and remember that at some point this part of the process will be in the past and ill most likely be sleep deprived and kicking myself for whining about how hard it was to make a portfolio. 

*fingers crossed that a birth-mom likes the color chartreuse!*

(just kidding. we didn't pick chartreuse)