infertile sell-out or is adoption the new pregnant??

you might have noticed that i have added some new blogs to the "you should read these blogs too..." list. if you play the sesame street "one of these things is not like the others" game, you will notice that these new blogs are about adoption. *gasp!* (enter dramatic soap opera music). those of us who follow TTC blogs will know that "adoption talk" typically equals "giving up hope" on ever getting pregnant. im certainly not there...yet.

our appointment with dr. to-be-or-not-to-be-a-homophobe went surprisingly well. we were treated very nicely by the front desk staff who asked me (without stuttering once) "is she (gesturing to NM) your partner?". they included NM in paperwork and asked for her insurance information as well. (not sure why since we aren't legally tied....but the gesture was still nice).

i only had one....ok, two... minor freak outs while filling out the paper work. the first one went a little something like this:

NJ: "look at the top of this form... it asks for my name, address, date of birth, and marital status. no big deal. but THEN it asks, 'How long have you been married?' AND 'How many times have you been married?'. WTF?? what does THAT have to do with anything??"

NM: *shrugs* "just leave it blank"

NJ: "Just leave it blank??? it makes NO sense that they would need to know how many times a patient has been married! even if i had been married 190 times...what does that have to do with my medical care today??"

NM: "but you haven't been married 190 times, so leave it blank."

i left it blank.

freak out number 2 looked like this:

NJ: *very audible sigh*

NM: "what now?"

NJ: "look at this form... what am i supposed to write???"

NM: "the form asks if you are legally married...?"

NJ: "i realize that. what am i supposed to say?"

NM: "we aren't legally married."

NJ: "we are legally married in Massachusetts!!!"

NM: (pause) "but....we aren't in Massachusetts...so leave it blank."

NJ: "but that means i have to put 'single'! that's a lie! i AM legally married to you! its not MY fault that colorado doesn't recognize it!!"

NM: "then put that you are married!"

NJ: "but we aren't married here!"

NM: (gives me the "are you serious right now?" look)

NJ: (pause) "ooh, i have an idea... how about i leave it blank?"

once we handed in the paperwork it was smooth sailing from there. while in the waiting room i flipped through a magazine about adoption and thought it was odd that they would have adoption magazines in a fertility clinic. that's kinda like having wheel chair brochures at an orthopedic surgeon's office. i would hope that the majority of patients wouldn't need information about adoption after using their services. *scratching my head*

we were called to the back by one of the PAs who sat with us in a consultation room. i have since renamed her Lesbo McDyke because i could barely hear her over the loud beeping of my gaydar alarm. NM and i laughed later about how my earlier emails and calls (the ones where i accused the office of being homophobic) caused them to choose Lesbo McDyke as our PA. regardless, she was cool. i pretty much knew i was gonna like her when she said, "The doctor will have a whole butt load of information for you". "butt load" and wood paneling in a doctors office?? this was my kinda place!

dr. turned-out-to-not-be-a-homophobe was pretty cool. he wasnt wearing a wedding ring but mentioned his "wife" on a few occasions. i thought this was a sign that he is an adulterer but NM said that it might mean that he isn't super rigid about traditional marriage roles. *shrug*

he said that we aren't crazy to try "2 to 3 more times" with me before "changing the plan". given that this doctor does 2 inseminations per cycle though means that 2 additional tries could be the equivalent of 4 tries with the other doctor! i cant really start talking about the finances right now because...well, i dont want to end up braking my keyboard from typing so hard. im sure that it will be another post all of its own. stay tuned for that rant.

i digress...

the point of this post is actually that we are tossing around the idea of adoption. im honestly not sure how i feel about it... and by "tossing around" i mean that we have had the following interaction:

NJ: "maybe we should meet with an adoption agency just to hear what they have to say."

NM: "tight. great idea".

so today i called the local agency that works with GLBT families. their website even has photos of gay couples! we have an appointment in 2 weeks with a specialist who will fill us in on the deets about the process. again, im not giving up hope... we are just expanding our net to include other possibilities.

*nod*

lets just hope that the specialist doesnt ask me if we are married. *smile*

cry me a river.

time off from TTC has been kinda nice. no charts or graphs or shots or opk's or counting days...i almost feel like a regular ol' person again. we have officially left our doctor and have our first consult with the new doctor tomorrow afternoon. im feeling both excited and nervous about the whole thing. here's why....

im feeling excited because it will be our first experience with the doctor in town that has a reputation for being homophobic. wait, that didnt come out right. what i mean is that im excited about meeting with a new doctor. period. im also somewhat excited (but also apprehensive) about meeting mr. new-doctor-the-homophobe to see if he is or is not a bigot. more investigation "on the street" has indicated that perhaps it was his father (who started the practice) who was homophobic but our doctor (the son) apparently isnt. i suppose only time will tell. it will be nice to travel 2 minutes to doctor appointments rather than the typical hour plus. an hour long appointment would require 3.5 hours off of work for me and NM. it will be nice to have less demand on our schedules. given that he is the only RE in a 60 mile radius...lets hope for a negative result on the bigot test...otherwise its back to road-tripping it for every ultrasound. grr!

im feeling nervous because our new doctor doesnt take our insurance. this isnt a super huge deal because most of the costs associated with TTC arent covered by any insurance company anyway. but, things like the initial consult ($450), blood work ($150) and ultrasounds ($270) will now be added to the pile of costs with each passing unsuccessful month.

i had a breakdown-of-sorts last weekend when NM and i sat down to look at our finances. we were hoping to put in a new back yard patio (nothing fancy...just some flagstone) but when we took into account the money that we will start spending again on TTC...little else fits into the budget. we are down to one vial of swimmers which means we need to re-order before we start any additional procedures. when i looked at our finances and thought about the fact that we are about to spend thousands of additional dollars in what might be a feeble attempt at pregnancy...i broke down.

its not so much the amount of money that bothers me....its the uncertainty of it all. im not the type of person who has ever enjoyed gambling and TTC feels like im standing at a poker table in vegas with $5000 in my hand! if i knew with 100% confidence that spending 5 or 10 or 15 thousand bucks would result in a child...i would say, "go for it!". but when looking at the plans that NM and i have for our future, do i really want to waste 5 or 10 or 15 thousand dollars on trying unsuccessfully to have baby!? *sigh* the whole thing makes me feel nauseous.

taking this time off from TTC has made having a child seem less imperative. not so much in the out-of-sight-out-of-mind kind of way...its just that taking a break from the constant mental strain of it all has allowed space and energy for other things.

and.... at the same time, as we watch 4 couples in our lives as they start (or add to) their families...its hard to not feel even more desperate to add to our own. last weekend we happened to see all 4 of these couples at various points throughout the day and the cumulative impact was hard. its not that im not happy for each of them... i totally am. and its not that i cant be around or talk about babies... because i totally can. i think that the thing that feels hardest is how far away the possibility feels for me and NM. we are no where close to conceiving so its hard to grasp that it will be a year (at LEAST) before we have the chance to experience children together.

this post has turned into a bit of a whiny sad story which wasnt what i had intended so i think ill stop here. *fingers crossed* for a positive experience at the new doctor. im feeling hopeful about what he will have to say.

yeah, your grandma kicked my ass...so what?!

in an attempt to get my ass at least a little bit more in shape (studies show that being 10 or more pounds overweight can negatively affect fertility...*rolling my eyes*)....i took my first water aerobics class tonight. the class was held at the senior center which means that i was the youngest member of the class by about 20 years.

when i first got there, the pool was packed with women...mostly young, blond and stereotypically pretty....so i was slightly irritated. if i wanted to be around physical trainers and fake tanned barbies, i would have used the pool on campus! much to my shock however, when the class ended and the group began to exit the pool, every single one of them had big ol' pregnant bellies. wtf?? just what i need...yet another reminder of my barren womb. i laughed to myself as i looked around at my classmates, "i bet these old ladies are more fertile than i am!". then, mostly out of guilt, i thought to myself..."hey! maybe the herd of preggies left some fertile energy in the pool!!" (trying to not think about limited bladder control that most of them were probably experiencing. *dry heave*)

anyway...i digress....the class started out as i suspected, a total yawn. we bounced around a little and stretched our muscles but nothing even remotely strenuous. in fact, 2 of the women had their sunglasses on top of their heads the entire time, all but one of the women in the group had at least a pint of hairspray (most likely aerosol aqua net) in their hair, and 2 were wearing dangle bead earrings. i was clearly in the "no water above the neckline" class.

as the class continued i spent most of the time trying to come up with an excuse to leave. the pool's lap lanes (all TWO of them!) were as empty as my uterus and they were calling my name. just as i was about to make my exit, the instructor called out "baby frogs!!" which i soon realized meant that the class was picking up speed. good.

"baby frogs" basically means that you jump in place but when you bring your knees up, you try to bring your knee caps out of the water on either side of your body. it took me a minute to get the hang of it but once i did it was actually kinda fun. jump.... jump... jump.... oh, this is fun... jump... jump...wow, im starting to feel out of breath...jump... jump...hm, interesting. could i possibly be getting an actual workout at the senior center!??! jump....jump....jump...

as i continued to baby frog, my knees dropped lower and lower with each jump.... jump....jump....we should be stopping at any moment... jump....jump....jump.... surely the instructor must have lost track of time or messed up the counts... jump....jump...jump....(instructor's voice) "ok ladies- keep jumping, but now bring those arms over your head!".... jump...reaching up...jump....reaching up...jump....reaching up....starting to feel panicked.... jump.... is this instructor trying to kill these old people??....jump...jump... i start to look around in a desperate attempt to make eye contact with one of the old bags.... but... jump....jump.... they are all jumping and chatting and laughing....what the??....jump....this cant be... jump...jump...how the HELL are they still jumping....jump... jump...and i can see all of their knee caps.... jump...jump... wiping water out of my face.... and how the HELL do they keep their hair so dry??.... jump... jump... (the instructor's voice) "ok ladies-"....jump... oh good, we are about to stop... jump... jump..."-time to get serious! no more baby frogs- lets start to MAMA FROG JUMP!"

??!?!?!?!?!?!

*heavy defeated sigh*

no wonder god wont give me a baby... i just got SCHOOLED by a bunch of old ladies!!!

*tail tucked*

cant wait till class on wednesday!