Written on June 30th at 11am
its been a little over 48 hours since we received the news and its juuust starting to sink in. yesterday was a rough day for me and im not entirely sure that i have figured out why yet. i spent most of the afternoon crying and crying and crying... with little understanding of what, exactly, was making me upset.
after processing with NM and a couple of close friends, i think that it all boils down to a feeling of loss. i know that probably sounds strange since we finally seem to be GAINING a family member... and im not sure if anyone else has felt this way immediately after hearing news about being picked.... but its like im suddenly TERRIFIED that i will lose NM through all of this. like i fear that one day we will wake up, roll over and think "i hate my life. when did everything go wrong?". you know those couples who were once so in love but somewhere along they way they lost each other? *sigh*
a friend told me, "dont worry about that. NM would never leave you and even if she did, you would be totally fine". on one hand i get it. im strong and independent and *waiving finger in the air* dont need no' man to make me happy. i pretty much majored in feminist discourse so i get it. its not so much that i fear NM leaving or being a single mom... its that i fear losing HER in the process of day-to-day life. like losing who she is. im so afraid that as we inevitably shift and change to accommodate this new path in our life, that we will lose the very things that are so wonderful about us right now.
as i know i have mentioned, i have a history with self injury and have struggled with suicidal thoughts/actions. i have worked SO. FREAKIN. HARD to dig myself out of the depths and work towards a life of meaning, balance, integrity and love. i honestly NEVER thought i would be where i am today and i never dreamed that i would end up in a marriage like the one i have been blessed (in a totally non-christian way, of course *wink*) to have. so i think that maybe whats going on for me right now is that im standing on the edge of be-careful-what-you-wish-for and realizing that with great change also comes great risk.
sometimes i think i must be crazy to be feeling like this. the thing i have wanted for 3 freaking years is finally coming true... why would i be sad about anything?!?! but then i think that maybe this is a great way to enter into a new family dynamic. i want to make sure NM and i are committed to keeping our marriage as the priority and remembering that our relationship was what made this family possible in the first place.
dont get me wrong, im gonna love the shit outta this little dude. and im fully prepared for the fact that the first year will pretty much be non-stop baby. i guess im just trying to say that it is my intention that NM and i remain the strong family unit that we were before he got here. i dont know a better model to show him that love, respect, humor and commitment are possible in a marriage.
*shrug*
in the meantime, ill work to stop crying. lol.
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Oh sister. I hear ya. I'm glad you're thinking about your relationship. We never thought ours would change, and we thought that we would recognize it if it did. And, of course as you know, we didn't and then it got all fucked up. Yes, things are definitely going to change. But keep up the chatter and USE your friends and family to give you guys some alone time.
ReplyDeleteWhen you come in January, we will totally babysit so you and NM can go out for a night on the town. :)
*hugs*
thanks for writing/saving these posts and retroactively taking us through this journey with you.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and have no advice, as we are on the same side of things as you are. But, I wanted to say, maybe you (me) will appreciate things a little differently knowing how far we've come. At least that's what I tell myself. Thanks for your honesty.
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