its one day past the due date and here i sit on a monday morning, ready to start yet another work week. you know, after years of waiting... waiting for the TTWW... waiting on the adoption waiting list.... waiting to be picked.... waiting for the 8 weeks to pass until his due date arrives.... you would think that the universe would do me a solid and let this dude come ON TIME! shit. im so sick of waiting!
actually, im feeling kind of torn. you see, today is michael jackson's birthday and i gotta be honest... im not wild about the idea of my kid sharing a birthday with the king of perps. err, i mean pop. so, im hoping he will bake one more day and come tomorrow.
ive been having crazy dreams the last few nights about waiting in the hospital for him to come. the first two dreams included the announcement that he is a girl. im not sure what that might mean.
in last night's dream our case worker came into the waiting room and told us that our birthmother hasnt been paying her taxes so if we want the baby we will have to pay the last 3 years of taxes for her. it was thousands of dollars so we left the hospital without a baby.
i think i might be starting to legitimately worry about the what-if-she-changes-her-mind possibility. *sigh* through this whole process we have both tried to remain focused on the fact that above all else, we support reproductive rights... including a woman's right to parent her child. we intentionally chose an agency that provides tremendous resources for birthmothers and in fact, more than half of the birthmothers who seek services at our agency choose to parent their children before they even reach the stage of picking an adoptive family. if a birthmom goes to the agency and says, "i want to choose an adoption plan for my baby", the agency will do lots of counseling with her to determine why she is choosing adoption. if the birth mom lists things like child care, school, limited funds, etc as reasons why she is choosing adoption, the agency will connect her with community resources that might help her have the ability to parent her child. if after the counseling, she still prefers to make an adoption plan... she is then allowed to look at adoptive parent portfolios.
given all of these steps, the agency's disruption (failed adoption) rate is super low.... they have only had one disruption in 11 years. i have the utmost confidence that the birthmothers in our agency choose adoption because it is the right decision for them. this is super important to me because as much as i want a baby, i have zero interest in adopting a child that a birthmother would have preferred to parent, had she been given the resources to do so.
i often feel uncomfortable with the sense of entitlement that adoptive parents express once they/we are "chosen" by a pregnant mom. when disruption happens, its not uncommon to hear adoptive parents talk about being "screwed over" by a birthmother. i have never experienced a disruption so im not sure how i would feel should that happen... but i would hope that NM and i will remain committed to our belief in reproductive rights. should our birthmom decide to parent her baby, i will be crushed and upset. AND... i will support her right to do what she feels is best for her life.
i realize that this is all easy to talk about on a blog, when im not actually experiencing a disruption. who knows... perhaps this time next week i will be writing a post saying how much i hate our birthmother for stealing "our" baby. lol. only time shall tell.
NM and i have decided that should we experience a disruption, we will take a 2 week vacation someplace warm and secluded with lots of beach sand and booze. i personally think we should go to belize and visit the big blue hole.....
its pretty much a giant sinkhole in the ocean but the photos look like ultrasound picture of a barren barren empty womb. quite fitting, i think.
let hope this little dude comes soon. in the meantime, i suppose ill head to work for the day. *grumble*
#209 Baby dreams
9 hours ago