the TTWW

well, we are officially 2 days into the TTWW (terrible two-week wait). the first few days post insem are like most other normal days...wake up, go to work, teach a class, go fridge shopping after work (more on this later), pay bills and then go to bed. the only difference is that these first few post insem days include sudden and unexpected moments when i remember, "oh yeah... i might be pregnant!". then the shortness of breath follows along with my typical list of reasons why we should be thankful if im not prego..."we just bought a car, we need to remodel the bathroom, we still have a roommate, my student loans could probably qualify me for a corporate bail out!" (although i think you technically have to be a SWMO -straight white male oppressor- in order to receive bailouts) never the less.... the point is that some days i wonder if we will ever be ready enough or rich enough to afford a kid!


since i have had 6 other TTWW's to get through i know that in the next few days i will become increasingly more obsessed with pregnancy. ill research past blog posts where women like me ended up finding out they were pregnant. ill pay attention to every little change in my body (excessive thirst, headache, twitch in my eye) and wonder if it is the result of a zygote burying its way into my uterine lining.

*fingers still crossed*

will the real homophobe please stand up

there is one... count them one... insemination doctor in our town. his name is dr bachus and apparently he is a homophobe. we have never met him but "word on the street" is that he is totally pro-christian-crazy-evangelical-being-gay-is-a-sin. ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration but how are we to know where to draw the line??

we have been commuting to denver for the last year in an attempt to get prego. most months this can mean a 2 hour commute (there and back) between 2 and 4 times a month! we have tried to remain pretty upbeat about the fact that we commute to denver because we feel like it is worth it to make sure we arent being discriminated against. after 7 tries, im super glad that im not sitting here wondering if our doctor is intentionally messing up the insem in the hopes that it wont work. (isnt there something in the medical oath thing that would prevent this?? *shrug*) anywhoo... we have been somewhat happily commuting to denver because we want good medical care.

however, after our most recent doctor's appointment we have come to the realization that we might need to alter the plan. our doctor is basically giving up hope that my barren womb will ever allow a baby to grow. conveniently, the solutions she offered (IVF) costs over $10k. not exactly the kind of cash that we have laying around. so... we are back to the drawing board looking for new options..... one of which is homophobe bachus.

i sent an email to their website that basically said, "look, i know its illegal to say that you discriminate but be real with me... are you a homophobe or what??". i was much more professional in my actual message. i figured that a response would take a week or so but alas! someone responded right away! her name is clair or claudie or cleo.... i cant remember... and she basically said "whoever told you that is a dirty liar!". she was much more professional in her actual response. she said that they serve many gay couples and work very hard to create a welcoming environment for all clients.

i responded and said, "well if he isnt a homophobe, maybe he should do something to prove it...like including same sex couples on his website!" boo-ya! that will tell her!

so then she replied and said, "thats a great idea!".

so... now we are thinking of scheduling a consult with him to see what vibe we get in person. are we selling out?????

i believe in science.

for those of you who know me, you know that im not crazy about spiritual mumbo-jumbo. i dont go to church, i cringe when someone says 'ill pray for you!', till recently i thought that mother mary was a prostitute, and im pretty sure we turn to dirt when we die. never the less, baby making can force one to act in strange ways.

i have been carrying around a purse of sorts that contains an odd assortment of items all in the attempts to appeal to whatever/whoever is incharge upstairs/downstairs. these items include the following:


1. "You are fertile" postcard from jj and cl

2. Saint Monica (the saint of mothers) from my mom-in-law

3. photograph of my grandmother when she was pregnant with my mother

4. holy dirt from NM

5. a pregnancy milagro

6. our most recent vial

7. an irish pin

8. a rosary and gold container from df

*fingers crossed!!*

wow, youre easy to get into!

we had another insemination yesterday and this time around we had a new nurse. although she isnt nearly as funny as our usual nurse-michelle, jennifer was still pretty cool. she included NM in the process by chatting with her and letting her confirm the correct number on the vial. we had 2 vials left so we were concerned about whether or not we would need to use 2 again this month but as it turns out, there were 17 million of the little swimmers in one vial. woo-hoo!

im not sure if this is the case for many other people but for me, one of the worst parts of inseminations is the fact that i cant go to the bathroom all day! we leave foco in the morning and by the time we get to the doctor in denver, i gotta pee like a race horse! they claim that a full bladder helps with the insemination but i still dread it every time. its especially hard because i cant pee afterwards since i dont want to flush $700 down the toilet!

i was up on the table this time trying to focus on not peeing on the floor while we waited for the nurse. then NM blurts out, "man, im really gonna have to stop at the bathroom before we leave!". i wanted to smack her but i was afraid that the movement would make me pee.
NJ: *whispering* "youre kidding me, right??".
NM: *whispering* "no, i really gotta go"
NJ: *whispering louder* "well how the hell do you think i feel!?? try putting your feet up in these stirrups!"
NM: *whispering even louder* "well you shouldnt have finished that entire coffee on the way here!"
NJ: *long stare* "youre kidding me, right?"
NM: *whispering louder* "im serious!"
NJ: "i swear, if you even THINK about peeing before we leave you will never hear the end of it!"
*the nurse enters the room*

the insemination went along with no problems. im very fortunate that i dont get the intense cramping that many women talk about. perhaps this is due to the fact that im "easy to get into"...a fact that michelle had pointed out a number of cycles ago. jennifer wasnt nearly as animated but she did comment on "how easy that was!". (insert jersey girl jokes here).

i guess we shall see. *fingers crossed*

the nitty gritty

so... 3 doctor-appointments-in-one-week later, there are changes on the horizon. dr trout told us that i basically have one more try with IUI before we move to "the next step". as it turns out, "the next step" aint cheap. she is recommending IVF which as many of you know, costs well over $10k. this is not an option for us.



we left the appointment feeling sad and a little angry. what kind of doctor drops this kind of news the day before an insemination??!!? talk about pressure! then in the next breath she reminds me that stress can affect fertility. um, duh!


we cried for most of the way home and took turns listing off all of the "next steps" that dr trout neglected to mention.
me: "I mean, i could still go to a bar and do it to some random dude!! notice that she didnt mention that!".
nm: "i know! and im sure we could have the stuff delivered to our house and do inseminations the old fashioned way... with a turkey baster!".
me: "honey, i dont think they actually use turkey basters". nm: "you get the point!!!"



among our other options we listed: adoption, nm trying to get prego, buying a baby on the black market, or random unprotected sex with a stranger. since we dont want to wait 10 years, deal with nm dying in labor, get arrested or catch the clap...we quickly dismissed all of the above as silly.

TTC abbreviations...

here is a helpful decoder-ring-of-sorts to help decipher lesbo conception code talk that is commonly found on this blog:
NJ = me (im from the great state of new jersey)
NM = my partner (she is from the somewhat great state of new mexico)
TTWW= terrible two week wait (post IUI)
TTC = trying to conceive
IUI = intrauterine insemination
ICI = intracervical insemination
BD = baby daddy

who we be.

i am from the great state of New Jersey and my partner is from the (somewhat) great state of New Mexico… hence the title of this blog (new jexico). we met at a conference on campus (she blew me off) and then again at another conference on campus (she blew me off again) and then again at a party. lucky for me, third time was a charm. we have been married twice...once in a meaningful commitment ceremony surrounded by friends and family, and the second time at city hall in cambridge MA during a visit home for the holidays. hopefully three times will be a charm and we will one day be legally married in our own state (colorado).

we have been TTC for a little over a year now. since i have a desire to carry a child and my partner has a somewhat intense aversion to the idea of being pregnant...its a no-brainer that i would be the one to get prego. plus, you know what they say about "jersey girls"... surely i would be knocked up in no time!

sadly, the universe has had another plan and has decided to make us struggle for it (as though there isnt enough struggle in our lives already!). we toss around lots of different ideas to aid us in our baby quest (like this or this) but in the end we believe that IUI and donor sperm is the best option for us. at least for now. stay tuned!

who i be.

So... this is the part where I share a little bit about me. While it might feel vain to write about myself, I believe that the “about me” section of this blog is relevant since the things that make me “me” are the things that will influence my perspectives, ideas, thoughts and general outlook regarding TTC.

I am a read-the-playbill-before-watching-the-play kinda kat so here is my attempt at a play bill for this blog….

Me: I’m in my early 30s. I’m somewhat responsible. I am happy. I am enraged. I am often both of these things at the exact same time. Thanks to homophobic laws I’m both married and single at the exact same time…(no wonder they say the gays are confusing). I tend to use a lot of “…”s and “( )”s in my writing. The “…”s serve as a way to connect seemingly random thoughts and are probably a sign of my inability to end a sentence properly. The “( )”s serve as a way to share whats running through my head as i type a sentence.

I have 2 dogs that represent differing sides of my personality…

Gully (moody, quirky, angry, grudge-holding, needs her personal space, doesn’t-take-orders-from-nobody!)…

…and Maddox (sweet, loyal, obedient, strong desire to please, likes to sleep and eat and not much else).

I work on a college campus with survivors of interpersonal violence, sexual assault and stalking. I also teach for the ethnic studies department. Both of these jobs combined means that I spend most of my days dealing with the crappy elements of our society…sexism, homoph0bia and racism. This requires a lot of patience and a ridiculous sense of humor.

My partner is from new mexico and is truly the love of my life. I know, I know… that sounds trite and hallmark-ish, but its true. She is loving, understanding, passionate, funny-as-shit, beautiful and sassy. Im not sure what the hell she is doing with me but I plan to take full advantage of her lapse in judgement for as long as I can. *smile* For anonymity she will hence forth be referred to as NM (new mexico).