little pink soldiers in my downstairs

i have a theory that relates to my infertility. it goes a little something like this...

i am convinced that past trauma coupled with my current work with victims of sexual assault creates the most hostile womb in the world for anything male. I think that when the doctors inseminate me with sperm, my body goes into attack mode and kills them all.

“put on your pink helmets, girls…. There is a whole school of perpetrators swimming this way!!! Kill them!!!”.

*sigh*

it sounds silly… but after 9 inseminations, I cant think of any other reason.

sad.

ill warn my sister in law (and anyone else who reads this) that this post will most likely be a long one. feel free to skim to the summary paragraph if you want.

this morning i woke up at 5am with a ridiculous urge to pee. i was shocked to realize that i got my period. today is day 25 in my cycle. i typically get my period between days 28 & 31. not sure why the heck it is here a whole 3-6 days early.

NM is out of town for the weekend on a college visit tour with 20 of her high school students. i wanted to call her right away but was afraid that she would be in the middle of some meeting with the kids and would have to figure out a way to keep it together. i decided to wait until she gets home tomorrow night to tell her. then i decided that was a dumb idea. eventually, i sent her a text and asked her to call me when she gets a chance.

for me, telling NM about AF’s arrival is one of the hardest parts of the infertility roller coaster. i want so badly to give her the family that we have been working so hard to create… so no matter how many times she assures me that she is never disappointed in me, i still feel badly breaking the news to her.

as always, she took it like a champ. we both cried a little on the phone, she told me over and over how thankful she is for what i have gone through, told me it wasn’t anything i did wrong and said that she has faith in our future. can you see why i married this woman (twice!)?

my doctor told me to make sure to wait until at least 11 days after the insem to pee on a pregnancy test because the HCG shot can cause a false positive. since it is only 10 days post insem, i decided to pee on a stick in the hopes that it would read “pregnant”. even though i knew it would be a false positive, i still wanted so badly to have the experience of reading that word on a pee-stick. in the end, it read “not pregnant”. *sigh*

im supposed to be working on my graduate research paper today but i cant stop thinking about all this crap. i shift between feeling so terribly sad…. to feeling shocked…. to feeling angry. im not used to wanting something this bad that isn’t within my control.

typically my coping mechanism for disappointment is to find all of the reasons why i didn’t really want something in the first place…

“who cares, that job probably would have sucked after a year anyway!”

or

“screw them…. im too good for them anyway!”

anything i can say or think to convince myself that i am somehow better off. this strategy does NOT work with TTC. my thought process goes like this….

man, who wants a stupid baby anyway?!

they are all loud and poopy and expensive,

i would rather spend that money on traveling the world with my babe.

yeah but traveling with a kid would be cool.

too bad we probably wouldn’t ever travel with a kid.

we would sit home and fight about laundry and chores.

but NM and I rarely ever fight.

that’s what makes our family so cool.

we disagree… a lot… but we never really fight.

we would have so much fun raising a kid together.

too bad we wont ever have one.

we will end up the crazy lesbo cat ladies.

but without cats since NM is allergic.

my self mutilating dog is the closest i will ever become to being a mom.

who cares, babies are dumb.

i told NM that i am nervous about traveling to see my family over rape and pillage day (thanksgiving) because there will be a pregnant lady there. she and i are not related but she is coming to hang with our family because her husband is overseas. they have one kid and are struggling to keep their marriage together because he is a jerk. its hard to be around folks in that situation when NM and i have such a wonderfully stable marriage and a strong desire to raise a child. im not meaning to sound judgy… because i really am happy for her that she is prego again… im just saying that it will be difficult to be around. pregnant women inevitably generate conversations about pregnancy and that’s hard for me right now.

im also feeling so annoyed at my body right now. like WTF is wrong with me?! 9 inseminations and i cant get pregnant?! meanwhile other people smoke crack and have noooooo problem reproducing a whole herd of kids.

my frustration with my body is also knocking up against some of my feminist values that have taught me to stop hating my body. as girls we are raised to hate our bodies… the way they feel, they way they smell, the way they are shaped…. and i spent years working on healing my self-hatred and have come to a place where i am truly happy with my body. and then i encountered infertility. i cant help but get angry at my body for being such a big friggin failure!

its so strange to think that i will be the only woman in my family to not experience pregnancy. and although i have never been the kind of woman who has fantasized about having a baby since the time i was 6 years old.... i still feel such a great sense of loss.

summary: i got my period. i’m incredibly sad. i miss my wife. my body is a loser.

*southern accent*... "a dingo with H1N1 killed my baybeee!"

ok seriously... if one more person comes to work sick as hell, im gonna mace them with lysol! im not typically the kind of person to get all worked up about getting sick, i mean hey...it happens to the best of us. but this whole swine flu (my students call it the "cop flu". lol) epidemic is creepin me out.

i was in a meeting yesterday with someone who said she had H1N1 but since she stayed home for 3 days, she wasn't contagious anymore. yeah right lady... then why all the hacking and sweating and shivering?! wtf?!

i know there are conflicting reports about the severity of H1N1 on prego women but i recently read that the flu can lead to an early term miscarriage. that will be my friggin luck... ill FINALLY get pregnant and then some idiot will give me the cop flu and ill miscarry! i dodged the hepatitis bullet from the run-in with the crack head nurse, but i'm not taking any chances with H1N1.

so far on campus we have had 1200 students report to the health center for the flu. i was conducting a sexual assault prevention session earlier today and one of the students in the room was clearly sick. i wanted to scream "GO HOME DINGO! STOP PUTTING MY HEALTH AT RISK!! I GOT LIKE $8000 RIDING ON THIS CYCLE!!".

grrr.

really? i mean come ON!!!!

ok, i get it. im infertile. my womb is probably drier than the sierra desert. i walk past house plants and they shrivel up and die. i have plenty of examples of my barren-ness every day.

not only do i have to deal with friends who unexpectedly get pregnant... "oops, we weren't even trying! *giggle*"

*deep breath*

and an ex-boyfriend who suddenly became a parent... "as it turns out, the paternity test says that i have twins"

*rolling my eyes*


but now we have to deal with pregnant women getting pregnant?

come on universe...what's wrong with you?!?!

ALREADY PREGNANT WOMEN GETS PREGNANT

the not-so-terrible two week wait.

i am officially 4/5 days into the TTWW. i am crampy as a mother-father and am still pretty irritable. im starting to think that my irritability has more to do with dealing with the nearly constant cramps and less to do with the raging hormones. *shrug* nevertheless...im in some pretty uncomfortable pain and its not fun. *pout*

we went to JC Penney this weekend with NM's mom (she was visiting for the weekend to help celebrate NM's birthday) and i was in the dressing room trying on a shirt when suddenly i looked at myself in the mirror. good LORD am i bloated! i pretty much look preggo. i am told that the joy of bloat is a side effect of the fertility drugs but my imagination cant help but think that maybe one of the past insems actually worked and im currently carrying a 6 month old baby in my belly. NM thinks im crazy but hey.... you never know! ive seen way weirder stuff on TLC!

this TTWW feels totally different that any of the previous 7 cycles. typically at this point in the ballgame i have my eye on the prize and cant WAIT for the 2 weeks to pass. every passing minute, hour, day is consumed with counting down.

this time, aka...my last try... feels totally different. its like i dont want the 2 weeks to pass.

i think im just afraid that this moment right now is the closest i will ever come to being pregnant. at the end of the TTWW i might get my period which then means that we will move on to other options for a child.

*sigh*
somehow, being maybe-pregnant is better than never being pregnant at all.

belly full o' swimmers

well... i have officially begun the TTWW. we had 2 inseminations (today and yesterday) so now all i can do is wait, wait, wait, wait.

the insems were no big deal... im pretty much a pro at this point. the new doctor's procedures differed slightly from our old RE but not too much. the biggest difference is the fact that they let me pee before the procedure. *wiping my brow* whew!! our old doctor said that a full bladder made it easier to "find the cervix" which always made me a little suspicious since we are talking about a space that is roughly the size of a grapefruit. how hard is it to find a cervix in there?

while it seems a small difference, it actually makes insems MUCH less annoying. i used to pee before we got in the car to drive to denver (our old RE was an hour away in denver) and then, since i didnt wanna flush $600 down the toilet, i would continue to hold my pee for hours after the insem. it wasnt fun. i have a very low tolerance for that kinda discomfort so having the opportunity to pee before the insem was a dream.

the nurse yesterday was this totally socially awkward lady who is probably really nice but in an insemination environment just seems odd. she put a hospital bracelet on me when we first got there with my name in big black letters. then, when she came into the room to do the insem she made me show her my bracelet and verify my identity. i still cant figure out why. she knows us...and has been our nurse for numerous other appointments. did she think we were gonna sneak some look-alike-jersey-double into the appointment? *shrug* weird.

i didnt have any freak out moments but did almost lose it when she showed us the vial to verify the donor number...

nurse: ok, can you look at this vial and verify that we have the correct number.
NJ: *checking the number on the side of the vial* yup...thats the one.
nurse: *looking at the vial* now, you do understand...that the red cap on this vial means that this is a mixed rate donor, right?
NJ: sorry but i dont know what "mixed rate" means.
nurse: no, *talking slowly* mixed raaaace. you do understand that this donor identifies as mixed race. right?
NJ: *not sure what to say*
NJ: yes. we are aware of the racial identity of our donor.

WTF!?!?!? she might as well have said, "excuse me miss white lady, are you aware that you might be creating offspring with.....A BROWN PERSON?!" because that's what i heard her say. i wanted to say, "yes...we lesbians are planning to create a queer multiracial family. stick that in your bible and pray about it". *deep breath* white people, i swear.

the second insem was pretty much the same but we had a much cooler nurse this time. well... i should say that NM had a much cooler experience since she and the nurse became BFF's while i was up in the stirrups. picture me, in stirrups, trying to keep my head off the dirty ass pillowcase, not able to see anything thats going on, feeling pinches and pokes and twists and i hear this....

nurse: ok, im gonna get the boys in the catheter.
NM: *laughing* oh, we call them "michael phelps" since we hope they are good swimmers
nurse: oh thats great! and speaking of phelps... isnt he amazing?
NM: i know! he was born to swim!

nurse: yes he was. imagine if he had never been exposed to swimming... what a huge loss. its crazy to think about how some people might be born to do something but because they are never exposed to it, they never have that chance.

NM: yeah...thats crazy.

nurse: so, what are you doing for the weekend

NJ: *resisting the urge to say, helloooooo?! i hate to break up the tea party but could you focus!

NM: oh, my mom is coming to town for my birthday this weekend.

nurse: oh that will be such FUN! we were just in california visiting my kids.

NM: oh really? where in california?

nurse: northern LA. we went to disney land and had a blast.

NM: oh i LOVE disneyland!

NJ: *thinking* ARE THESE PEOPLE SERIOUS?!?! WE ARE NOT AT A POTLUCK RIGHT NOW!!

nurse: well, let me tell you....we went with 4 adults and no kids and it was so much fun!

NM: *laughing* thats great! disneyland should be for adults only!

NJ: *thinking* the minute that i am im out of these stirrups, im filing for a divorce.

and....scene.

needless to say, NM didnt leave the appointment with the nurse's phone number or facebook info. *rolling my eyes*

men, i swear.

im not crazy, im just on fertility meds!

i had my final corn-dogging this morning and it went really well. well, i mean...as good as a corn-dogging experience can go, i suppose.

my eggs are frackin HUGE and it looks like we are set for wednesday and thursday of this week. woohoo! i told the RE that i feel like im about to get my period because my ovaries are KILLING me and my boobs are bigger than the usual DD...which is already pretty damn big. he said its all normal and part of the joys of hormones.

i shoulda known since i had the following interaction with NM on sunday:

NM: hey babe, where is the folder that we are using to store all of our doctor bills?

jersey: on the bottom shelf of the cabinet.

NM: which cabinet?

jersey: *impatient sigh and curt response* the cabinet with the drawer!!!

NM: hey babe...there is lots of other stuff in this folder. i thought we were gonna just use one folder for all of our doctor stuff.

jersey: *resisting the urge to claw her face off* well excuuuuuse me for living! i put the most recent bills in THAT folder because it was the only one i could find! if you dont like this system than make your own!! *fire spitting out of my mouth and eyes rolling back into my head*

NM: *long pause* oh, honey... are we gonna have..... "a day"?

jersey: "a day"?!?!?!? what the HELL is THAT supposed to mean?!?!?! god, i swear! how rude!! im on all these fertility meds that make my ovaries hurt and you're over there giving me grief.

NM: yeah, um... fertility meds.

jersey: *realizing what she is talking about* oooh, riiiiight. *nervous laugh* fertility meds make me crazy. *gulp* sorry.

so never the less, im pretty much one big raging hormone. its lots of fun.

but not more fun than the 7 inch needle that NM had to stick in my butt cheek today. after the corn-dogging we had to go home for an HCG shot. it was my first shot that had to go into the muscle and NM did a brilliant job. well, with the exception of one minor (read: irritating) freakout. i decided that she would have to give me the shot on the couch so that i could use our current free cable as a distraction. nothing like HGTV to take your mind off of a 7 inch needle.

i told her to handle the shot stuff on her own and then just stick me with it. but, bless her heart, since she was nervous, the experience was more like this:

NM: *attaching the draw needle to the syringe*

jersey: *watching HGTV*

NM: *drawing up the medication and then switching to the 7'' injection needle* oh....my.....god....

jersey: what?

NM: this needle is HUGE! *laughing nervously*

jersey: um, i dont need that right now! GOD!

NM: i know, im just saying! this thing is enormous!

jersey: stop talking and do it already! dont give me any warning and for the love of GOD dont count down. just do it.

NM: ok... here we go.... i can do this.... are you ready?.... here we go..... the nurse said to not hit the nerve... ok, i think i have the right location... oh my god.... are you ready?..... this might hurt.... ready? ready? ready?....one...... two.....

jersey: COULD YOU BUILD UP ANYMORE ANTICIPATION?! WTF!!! I SAID DONT COUNT!!! for the love of GOD! JUST DO IT!

and.....scene.

it actually didnt hurt that badly. it was way less painful than the follistim shots that go in my belly. anywhooo... tomorrow is the big day. send lots of fertile energy our way!!

ovary watch- 2009

i had the pleasure of receiving yet another corn-dogging yesterday morning to check the progress of my eggs. i couldn't believe the difference a couple of days can make! my ovaries looked like crowded NY subway trains.

i should have known that there was some growing going on in there because all weekend i was walking like the hunchback of notre dame. every step i took felt like someone was jabbing me in the ovaries and the only relief came from (very) small steps while hunched over. people on the street must have seen me and thought, "oh, i wonder what happened to that poor woman". little did they know, im actually subjecting myself to this torture. clomid made me crampy in past cycles but this follistim is no joke.

the doctor was actually pretty cool. he is a total ego maniac but im hoping that his ego is directly linked to his ability to get me knocked up. you know how men are... they love to spread seed around and then take no responsibility for the subsequent offspring. in some ways, being an RE is an ideal job for a dude.

i got a little freaked out though because in the morning before i went to the doctor, i was watching some dumb murder show called "snapped". we dont typically have television because we canceled our cable in may and never went to get the digital converter thingy but as it turns out, they never actually came out to disconnect it! they are coming in one week but in the meantime we are enjoying the free cable. yesssss! *fist pump*

i digress...

yesterday morning i flipped on some dumb show about women who murder their husbands. its called "snapped" and the women are profiled and totally portrayed like they are crazy. never mind the fact that almost all of them murder their partners in an attempt to escape abuse! but yet somehow this show manages to turn them all into gold-digging heartless psychopaths. *deep breath*

i digress again...

so, on this show there was a story about a woman who (along with her new man friend) killed her abusive ex husband. the new man friend was WAY crazier than she was and as it turns out, he was from the next town over from where i currently live! but wait, it gets weirder. to top it off, he looked just like our RE and...get this.... even shared the same last name!!

i texted NM to tell her and she told me that i should ask directly if he is the same guy. as tempting as this sounds, i havent been able to figure out how to make that conversation happen...

NJ: *in stirrups and getting corn-dogged* so... i saw the craziest thing on TV this morning....

doctor: *staring at the monitor* yeah?

NJ: yeah... i was watching this television show about murderers and they featured this story about a crazy murderer guy from the next town over.

doctor: *moving the corn-dog-stick around and watching the monitor* really. hm. interesting.

NJ: yeah. it was crazy too cuz he actually resembled you and shared your last name.

doctor: *totally ignoring me* really. wow. nurse, can you check the flux capacitor and issue a dose of blah-blah-blah.

NJ: so............................................did you do it?

and.... scene.

anywhoo... the doctor said that i have 3 big eggs that are ready to go and then over 5 that still need to bake a little. so the plan is for me to go in again for yet another corn-dogging and then a possible insem on weds and thurs. it will be our first experience doing 2 insems in one month. i know there are lots of conflicting messages about the success of doing 2 IUI's but we figure that it cant hurt. especially since this is my last shot.

in other news, i received a letter in the mail from my insurance company saying that they are going to help cover some of the $990 bill for anesthesia. not all of it, but most of it. needless to say, im very happy.

in totally unrelated news, we recently watched the film Hard Candy and loved it. if you haven't seen it yet, i highly recommend it.

WWIJD? (what would infertile jesus do)

ug. im in a bad mood. *folding arms and pouting*

we had an appointment for yet another corn-dogging this morning and even though that alone is enough to put anyone in a bad mood, we also had a pretty annoying conversation with the nurse.

we are hoping for an insemination this month (my last attempt) but we havent figured out how to get the swimmers to this new doctor's office. we have one rogue vial left at the other doctor in denver and apparently no one can figure out how we can get it shipped to the new doctor, 60 miles away. so then, the nurse comes in today and we have the following interaction:

nurse: i just talked to the doctor and we have bad news.

NJ: ok.

nurse: since we cant verify the quality of the specimen that you have at the other doctor's office we cant in good conscience use it for an insemination. sorry.

NJ: wait, im confused. what do you mean?

nurse: well, the doctor said that we really have no way of knowing what happened with that vial or how it was processed or handled so it would be irresponsible for us to use it. so we cant.

NJ: how it was handled? its been sitting in storage at the other doctor's office.

nurse: i know...but we cant be sure how it was processed so we cant in good conscience use it.

NJ: but the vial cost us $600. we certainly cant just throw it away.

nurse: *fake sympathetic smile* i imagine this is difficult.

NJ: so you're telling me that the doctor will only use vials that come directly from a cryobank?

nurse: im not sure. you see, the thing is... we dont typically deal with things like this.

NJ: *seething. and silent*

"things like this"?? what like, GAY people? ooohhh, did the gays throw a monkey wrench into your heteronormative medical procedures?

*deep breath*

so then, she also said that i have to go back for yet another corn-dogging on monday! WTF?! 3 ultrasounds in one month! im not katie holmes!!

im just so done with this whole process. its hard to make major decisions that involve major amounts of money when you don't really know if what they are telling you is legit. do i need 3 ultrasounds within 10 days? *shrug* how the hell am i supposed to know?! so there we are, forking over $300 for each one, not knowing if this is just some dumb protocol that helps pad their wallets!

and the other shitty thing is that i still cant completely shake the fears from the homophobic rumors. i want to believe that they are only rumors...but in the back of my mind i cant help but wonder. and i feel like i have to be on my best behavior and not challenge the system too much (which is nearly impossible for me) because otherwise their homophobia will cause them to screw us over. i know, i know... people arent that vindictive and im overreacting and i should learn to trust people more and and and... but when you have thousands of dollars on the line, its silly to not do everything you can to ensure success. its strange to be sitting in a doctor's office worrying about how likable you are and making sure that you try to do and say the right things so they will like you enough to not screw you over. i feel like im at some dating service trying to impress the staff so they will hook me up with a hottie.

and the other thing that kinda bugs me about this doctor is their facilities. i told NM that every time we go there i feel like i go back in time to the 70's. the walls have wood paneling and you can see the dust that has settled in between the panels. there are hand towels (yes, like actual towels) in the bathroom for people to dry their hands on. (is that even sanitary?!?!) and i swear they have the exact same pillow cases as my grandmother! you know how most doctors will use plain white pillow cases and then pull the paper over the top of the pillow? well not these guys. you have to lay your head on the same nasty ass pillowcase as who knows how many other women. laying on the table makes me feel like i went back in time 40 years and im in some guy's living room asking for an abortion!

we left the appointment and went home to do the third shot of follistim and i got this overwhelming feeling of relief that this will be my last time going through this madness. after taking the summer off from TTC i was excited to be back in the process again... but each passing day and each irritating experience and each bruise on my belly from the shots, seems to leave me feeling less tolerant of putting myself through this mess. enough is enough. we will go into this cycle with a positive attitude, zero expectations and lots of hope. and although i know that a failure this time will be sad and heavy and hard to recover from... in a small way, it will feel very freeing to be done putting my body through this.

those who cant birth, bake.

i love baking. if given my choice, i would spend all day, everyday baking.


i spent this past weekend working on my never-ending-thesis and baking two new recipes. the first recipe was one for jam thumbprint cookies. a few weekends ago we decided to can tomatoes and peach jam with some friends and like total amateurs, we bought WAY too many peaches and ended up with over 6 gallons of peach jam (not kidding). so, in search of a new recipe that would allow me to use up some of that jam, i made THESE cookies. they were pretty much the bomb.com.


the other recipe i attempted came from bakerella. i have wanted to make her famous cupcake balls for a while now but never had the courage. until this weekend. in another total lapse of judgement i also decided to try her cupcake pops. needless to say, mine didnt turn out nearly as good as hers.

i think my main problem was the thickness of the chocolate coating which didnt allow for much detail. anywhoo... im sure it takes a few attempts so ill try them again at some point.

this weekend also included a special little package on my doorstep.

......................drum roll..................................

three cheers for fertility meds!!

*deep game show voice* that's right folks, we have here 3 doses of follistim, 6 needles and an hsg shot.

but wait... there's more! just when you thought this offer couldnt get more exciting, there was one more thing in the box.....

....................drum roll..............................

a $432.00 bill!! *crowd goes wild*

*sigh*

at least we got one of those cool freezer packs out of the deal.